Spike kept walking, he didn’t know what to think, or how to think it. After being told such... horrible things that he’d done is his past, all just within a span of five or six years, it sickened him. He couldn’t imagine himself doing those things. Especially the things that he’d done to Buffy and her family. It made him want to throw up. Since that was impossible for a vampire, he decided to drown himself in liquor, instead.
Quickly finding a liquor store, he bought a bottle of the cheapest bourbon he could find and paid for it. He needed to find a shoddy motel, then drink himself into a stupor. Hopefully that would silence the screams in his head, and the longing for a particular Slayer in his heart.
After renting a room, he sat on the bed and opened the bottle of bourbon, taking a healthy swig before kicking off his boots. Had he really been the one to do all those nasty things to the Slayer? Did he really ruin her parent teacher night with a hoard of vampires, only to be whacked over the head with an axe by her mum? Did he Steal her friends, hold a broken bottle to a red-headed witch’s face and threaten a boy’s life for a soddin’ love spell? Did he actually try to rape his sweet Slayer?
He shook his head, telling himself that she wasn’t his Slayer. She was Spike’s Slayer. A man—no, vampire—who was just a memory to them and a figment of Matt’s imagination. If this Spike character actually did all of those things, he wasn’t exactly sure he wanted to be Spike again. He didn’t want to live with that guilt.
Of course, going on this journey to regain his memories, he knew that he had to of been evil at one point. Vampires didn’t just keep their soul when they’re turned. He’d been all over the half of the world in the past three months, and he’d yet to meet another vampire aside from Angel to have a soul. Matt just wasn’t prepared to have been that evil. And there was even more stories of his past to be told. A whole century’s worth.
Bloody hell.
He took another swig of his bourbon and flopped back on his bed. A bloody century. That was hard to comprehend. He’d been alive for only three months, as far as he knew. But to everyone in that hotel, he’d been around for a hell of a lot longer than three measly months.
He felt like he was back at square one. On this journey, he’d gotten to know himself the best he could. He’d spent a lot of his time in a confined space, travelling to one mystical being to another in a search for his memories, and that gave him a lot of time to think about who he was now. He had a personality, likes and dislikes, huge aversion to sunlight, a set of fangs and a thirst for blood. He had one bad memory, and he’d already put that behind him the best he could.
However, now it felt like anything he found out about himself in the time leading up to this point had been totally eradicated. Now he was finding out who he was before, and losing who he thought he was now.
It was bloody confusing as all hell.
A part of him wanted to say ‘screw it’ and just leave. Go and make himself into who he wanted to be, not who he used to be. There was a reason that he was put in that alleyway in England, with no memory or anything to tell him who he used to be. Maybe he was given a clean slate to right the wrongs he’d done in his past. Or maybe he’d done this to himself, because of the soul and the guilt he felt because of his prior actions. It would be a waste of his own time to try and get the memories back, if he was the one to make himself lose them, wouldn’t it?
Maybe the Powers That Be chose him to be some... Almighty Hero of Light, a chosen one to smite down the evil, whilst dwelling within the darkness with the said evil. An ear to the ground; an insider with the information and strength to stop whatever was to pop up next.
Something told him he was grasping at straws now.
Although he had an urge to just leave and never return to L.A, he knew Buffy wouldn’t let that happen. She was so insistent on inserting herself into his life that he was pretty sure she would just follow him wherever he went. Best he just stay here and save himself and the chit the trouble.
Besides, now that he got a glimpse of her, a chance to be near such light and beauty, he was certain he wouldn’t let himself get too far away before wanting to be near her once more.
Reaching in his duster pocket, he pulled out the gaudy necklace and fisted the chain, letting the hunk of diamond—or whatever that big and badly cut gem was—dangle in front of his face. “This is your entire fault, isn’t it? Buffy said I was wearing you when I disappeared.”
The light hanging from the ceiling was reflecting off the gem, sending shiny beams of light all over his chest. He took a closer look at it, seeing the rest of the room behind it all blurry and upside down. He had no clue why he felt connected to this thing, or why it intrigued him so much.
Growing frustrated with his thoughts on his past and this stupid necklace, he threw it across the room with a growl and ran his hands through his already dishevelled hair. “Bloody hell, I can’t take it anymore! Just give me a sign! You put me in this soddin’ mess, why can’t you just give me a little push in the right bloody direction, for once!”
He didn’t know who he was hollering at, or if anyone was even listening, he was just at his wits end. How much longer did he have to travel to find himself? How many people was he supposed to meet before his murky past was revealed to him? How many more trials? He couldn’t take it much longer, he just wanted it all to be over with.
He stood up and shucked his duster, letting it slip to the ground before falling back onto the bed, landing on his stomach and burying his head in the pillows with a groan.
Relaxing his tired muscles, he left himself slip into the semi-peaceful oblivion of sleep.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So, it's been like, a year since I updated this, which I am really, really, really sorry for. But good news, I seem to be on a flow of words, and I've written a little over 800 words for the next chapter of Almost Famous as well. I'm excited to get back into writing! Though I won't be as frequent as I was when I first started writing, I will post as much as I can. This chapter is also unbeta'd, since I can't seem to get into contact with any of my Spuffy friends that I talk to outside of this site, which is a tad unnerving. I miss them haven't talked to them in over a month! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy, and I hope I still have some readers for this story. Thanks!
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