Buffy felt like the biggest jerk that ever lived.
She hadn’t meant for it to end that way. When he laughed, he broke the trance she was in and all she could hear were Dru’s words of warning ringing in her ears. It wasn’t supposed to be this way!
After she fled the room, Buffy ran to the library and hid behind one of the bookshelves. Dru was right: she was a slut. She did not deserve a guy like William. Dru didn’t deserve him either. He had only been sweet and understanding to her under strange circumstances. And what did Buffy do? Ruin everything.
Through the haze of self-loathing, Buffy realized that she had left him in her bedroom. Not knowing how long she had been sitting there, Buffy bolted back, hoping that he would miraculously still be there. But he was gone. He probably walked home because he could not stand to be with her anymore. Buffy was ashamed of her reaction, but how else could she after all that had happened?
But William didn’t know about any of it. She had not told him a word. He probably thought she hated him or worse: hated her. She had to make it right, or at least explain herself.
And Buffy was never one for waiting. Grabbing her keys, she got into her car and drove to William’s house, hoping it wasn’t too late.
……………………
Was it entirely his fault? William was not sure.
As he calmed from his mental breakdown, William could do nothing but stare into space and wonder. When he and his father broke apart and he stopped crying like a stupid git, Rupert had gone to work, leaving him to his thoughts.
He heard knocking at the door, but felt no need to answer the mailman or Jehovah’s witnesses, or even Buffy, however unlikely it was to actually happen. William did not even have the motivation to stand up.
His mental state was not because of Buffy. She had been the final straw more or less, yeah, but it was the combination of stress and fights, the move, and everything that had happened over the last couple of years. William did not know how much more he could take.
No one wanted to embody the stereotypical angsty teen, but William did not have the energy to fend off the idea. He certainly felt the angst, and yet he was not sure how typical the situation was.
Suddenly, there was a knock on his bedroom door. Thinking it was Rupert, William forced himself up and opened the door.
It wasn’t Rupert, though. It was Buffy.
……………………
Buffy took one look at his face and wished she had stayed at home. His puffy eyes were stained red and he seemed to tremble. It was all her fault. Why did she subject the poor kid to her insane life?
But she had to tell him about her past to make him understand. He had asked her once; perhaps he was still interested to know. Either way, this was it. Now or never.
Meanwhile, Buffy remained motionless in his doorframe as she continued her inner debate.
“Um…” he spoke to get her attention.
“Oh, hey William!” her voiced cracked. She really didn’t want to do this. “I, um, I came to apologize I guess for running out on you. It wasn’t fair to you and now everything is confusing and I am not sure how you feel about me or Dru-“
“What is it with you and Dru?!” he interrupted loudly. “All you do is talk about your problems with her. I mean, this entire plan was just to get back at her, right?” Buffy stared at the ground in shame. “I’m not stupid Buffy,” he surmised. “Y-you can’t honestly think that I would believe this plan is for my own benefit. I just thought… I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Buffy wanted to leave. She did not want to deal with the consequences of handling someone else’s life. But, she knew it was all her fault and therefore all her responsibility. She had to make it right, even if he would never speak to her again.
“I am so sorry, William.”
“Sorry? You are sorry?” he looked at her disbelievingly. “For what?”
“For what? What do you mean for what?! I ruined everything back there!”
“You? What about me?”
“What about you?”
“It was my fault!” he gestured to himself. “I just want this all to stop, or start over, I don’t know. I always bollocks everything up. Don’t take the blame that isn’t yours, pet.”
“No!”
“No?”
“No! You are wrong. Don’t you get it? I put you in that position. ME. And then I freaked out because of my own stupidity, then caused you to blame yourself… If anyone ‘bollocksed’ it up, it was me. Why don’t you not take the blame that isn’t yours.”
“What are you talking about? I could not keep myself in line, earlier. I was forceful and you probably hate me, and it’s my fault.” Buffy tried to stop it, but began to giggle. “Kind of inappropriate timing, luv, what with all the pain, you know?” he said between clenched teeth.
“I know and I’m not laughing at you, I swear. It’s just that,” she tried to keep her laughter at bay, “we are arguing about whose fault it is. I mean it is kind of funny that we both think that the fault belongs to ourselves.” The giggle loop caught hold of her and she began to laugh again, first out of nervousness but then out of humor. Naturally after hearing her laugh, William joined in, despite his anguish.
“We really should send this story to a sitcom writer. I am sure it would give him enough material for a good month, the days we’ve had.” William spoke between the laughter that overtook him.
They both laughed desperately, because neither wanted to admit it was anyone’s fault but their own. After the intense emotion day they had, it was only natural that they would break down in hysterics. But when the laughter died down, the two stared gloomily into space as the afterglow left entirely.
“I want to tell you something,” they spoke simultaneously. In other circumstances, this may have brought about another round of laughter, but times being what they were, they both smiled softly. Buffy continued.
“I have to tell you what happened to me. You know, before? It might explain why I reacted so overdramatically.” Buffy sighed, “Just… don’t judge me too harshly. I mean I would understand if you wanted me to leave you alone-“
“Buffy,” William interrupted. “You are rambling again.”
“Right, right. Sorry. OK,” she took a breath, “here it goes.” William looked at her intently.
“I have been friends with Dru since middle school. We did everything together, you know, shopping, gossiping, the works. And she always used to talk behind other people’s backs, but I never gave it a second thought. She was basically my best friend, so I was shocked when we got to high school and I actually heard her spilling my secrets to the first popular body she could find. I was hurt by it, but I did not want to break up the friendship because of it so I let it slide. That was right before my Sophmore summer.
“We went our separate ways for the summer. I traveled abroad with my mom and she stayed home to work at a trendy fashion store. I guess it really must have gotten to her that I was so much wealthier than she. The money never really meant much to me. I told you, my dad just flooded us with it and we naturally accepted. Apparently it meant something entirely different to Dru. To her, I was wasting my money on stupid luxuries while people from her side of town had to work to make themselves comfortable. If she had needed money, I would have gladly helped her out. However, that would have been considered social suicide in her eyes. She never wanted to owe anything to anyone, not even gratitude. Dru had a lot of pride.
“Anyway, I got back to Sunnydale and Dru was different. I don’t know how to explain it, but she was just… distant, I suppose. From me, at least. Then, in October she suddenly wanted to hang out again. She waited for me after all of my classes, she called me everyday, wanted me to sit next to her at lunch. It started driving me crazy, I swear, until one day she came up to me in the hallway and said that Angel Aurelius had crush on me.” William tensed at this, knowing ahead of time that he was not going to enjoy this section of the story.
“I was so excited! I never thought that a boy like him would ever like me, especially with Dru around. You of all people should know the draw she has. Everyone just flocks to her side. The girls all wanted to be her and the guys all wanted to have her. And I… I really did not care either way. Sorry, I tend to ramble. I’ll try to stay on track better from now until the end, I swear.
“Ok so, Angel had a crush on me according to Dru and I did not give it a second thought when he asked me to Homecoming. She even helped me pick out a dress. After the game, he and I went out for dinner at a nice place, then went to the party and then drove me home. Angel was a perfect gentleman with me. That is why I was so surprised about what later came to pass.
“I’m trying to sum this up, so bear with me. The next week, I was positively glowing. Glowing until I noticed Dru hanging all over him. Thinking that he just dated me to get to Dru, I let it go. It had happened before. A couple of weeks later, I started liking this guy Xander. He was cute and funny and sweet, but nowhere near the realm of the popular crowd I was a part of. Needless to say, Dru confronted me about it and said that I shouldn’t date him because he was a geek. She made fun of me mercilessly. I could have killed her, I swear to god, but I just took it. I just took it and told Xander that we could not be together. And that was when everything changed.
“Dru started spreading rumors about Xander, saying that I told her he was secretly gay, which I never said! She told everyone it was me so when Xander confronted me and I denied it, he stopped speaking to me completely. He got picked on daily after that. I guess it must have been true because he moved out of Sunnydale soon after. And even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, I felt horrible about it.
“Seeing as Angel and Dru were still single by the time all of this occurred and he was a nice, solid guy, I asked him out. He said yes, but according to Cordelia, it was because Dru told him I was easy. Of course, I was never really friends with her so I figured it was just jealousy or something. Nearing the end of another really nice date, Angel tried to get me into bed with him. Not forcibly, just asked politely. When I refused, he asked again a little more frustrated. I said no one more time. He then told me to get out of his car in the middle of nowhere. He said he ‘didn’t want to spend another minute with a tease like me.’
“I was devastated. I walked home alone, in the dark, for a couple of miles. Realizing that Cordelia was telling the truth, I confronted Dru about it. She denied everything and screamed at me for spreading such lies about her. But at lunch that same day, she was all over him again. It made sense of course that Dru would want someone who wanted someone else. And when Angel hadn’t wanted either of us really, she just did it to put it in my face that she could.
“Moving along, Angel came to my house during the break and tried to get with me. This time, though, he was forceful. When I said no again and he lunged at me, I knocked him out leaving a nasty bruise on his left cheek. After that, he told our entire circle of friends that I went psycho when he tried to kiss me and I knocked him out. Dru, seizing the opportunity, threatened them all saying that if any one of them were to breath a word concerning what happened, she would destroy each and every one of their reputations. She had dirt on almost all of them and could make up lies for the rest. They all knew it was not an empty threat.
“Later in the week, Dru threatened me. She said she would tell everyone Angel’s version of the story if I did not fall in line. Dru claimed that she ‘wanted our little family to get along.’
“See in Dru’s mind, she did not do anything wrong. She honestly thought that she was the epitome of a good friend to me. Keeping Xander and Angel away was a favor in her eyes. Which is why she thought it a good idea to dangle guys in front of me, then either discard them or take them for her self. She thought she was making me stronger for it and making sure they were good enough for me.
“A couple of months later, I was at the end of my rope. I was trapped. I couldn’t stop being friends with Dru because she could murder my reputation with a word. I couldn’t try finding new friends because everyone knew I was a friend to her and no one wanted to get on her bad side.
“So I remained, miserable as ever. I watched her change into this ice queen who made fun of every guy she came in contact with. She broke each and every one of their hearts. I could not stand to see her continue. Then, you showed up.
“Dru thought she could have anything she wanted. She made fun of those who worshiped the ground she walked on and I was personally sick of her behavior and sick of being her little lapdog. No offense, but when I first met you I thought you were some bumbling nerd. I am so sorry though. I did not realize that this plan in the end would make me just as bad as her.
“Please don’t hate me when I say this and I would understand if you wanted me to leave and never speak to you again. I deserve it. Anyway, when she made fun of you that day, it was the last straw. I wanted to change you into the perfect guy for Dru. I wanted her to crawl, to beg for you. I knew what she liked in a guy so I knew I could do it. And when she would forget about all of the other boys, Dru could finally focus on herself. She also would be put in her place for making assumptions about every guy who made a pass at her.
“And then, when she would be off the market, I would be free to date whoever I wanted. It would finally be safe for me because she would have no reason of either jealousy or boredom to step in.
“But then, you were nothing like I thought. You were kind and giving, gorgeous and passionate. I cannot apologize enough because I just made assumptions without getting to know you. I really was just as bad as she. So when you and I were together earlier, everything fell apart.
“I saw myself the way I saw Dru and could not handle it. I ran because I was ashamed of what you would think of me. Maybe Dru was right and I really was a slut. I haven’t known you for very long, after all. Also, I feel like I took advantage. I thought I wanted you so I could get back at Dru in my own way and finally possess someone who formally wanted her. In some way, I would win.
“But I just hate myself for it.” Buffy began to cry. The stress of the last few months caught up with her and it was just too much to handle. He stared at her slack jawed and bewildered. “I am so, so sorry William. You deserve so much more,” she whispered.
For a while there was rigid silence. Buffy watched closely at the range of emotions that played over his face. She looked down and realized what a complete mess his room was. Things broken and torn and clothes crumpled together. It was a total wreck. And it was all her fault. She just knew it.
“I’ll just,” she sighed, “I’ll just go. Goodbye William.” She tried not stepping on anything but the floor was completely covered. Buffy finally reached the door, turned the knob and walked out. William did nothing.
And when Buffy got to her car, she sat in the drivers seat and cried. Suddenly, the car door opened. William pulled her out, set her against the car, and kissed her passionately.
When the kiss was done, they looked at one another, tears in both of their eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered again.
“Buffy, I-“ Before he could finish, another car came into the driveway.
Rupert was home.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys. Thank you SO MUCH for the reviews! I love you guys :D I am so glad that you all are enjoying these. Please continue to review and enjoy this next chapter. It is another intense one, so hold onto your hats, but more Spuffy goodness on the way. Enjoy!