Chapter Five
It was later, while they were walking on the beach, that Buffy realised what neither of them had said yet.
I love you.
As soon as that realisation hit her, she couldn’t help but wonder why it hadn’t been said—by either of them. She felt it. Had felt it for some time, back in Sunnydale, even if she hadn’t told him until it had almost been too late.
And that was the crux of the matter. She had told him; said those words—I love you—words she didn’t throw around willy-nilly, and he had all but rejected them. Thanked her, and told her that she didn’t.
Now, when she had the perfect opportunity to say the words again—and again, and again—she was hesitant. She didn’t want him to reject her.
He hadn’t told her he loved her, either, and she didn’t know why. He certainly acted like he did, their lovemaking of the night before telling her how he felt in ways stronger than words. But Spike had never been one to shy away from declarations of love, and Buffy found his silence strange.
Buffy glanced at him, and he smiled back at her, squeezing her hand just a little tighter. She squeezed, too, and tried to stop thinking.
She knew he wasn’t back for good, knew that she should tell him before it was too late, but she couldn’t make the words come. She tried and they got stuck in her throat, choking her.
Avoidance, thy name is Buffy.
She was torn from her silent musings when Spike started to pull her towards the sea. “Fancy a paddle, pet?” he asked, an eager smile on his face.
“You, the big bad vampire, want to go for a paddle in the sea?” Buffy replied, amused.
“Well, yeah. Why not?”
Buffy shrugged. “I just never pictured you ever doing anything like that.”
“Not been able to go outside during the day like this for over a century. Never wanted to, either,” he said. “Can't blame a vamp for wanting to have some fun when he has the chance.”
“Not exactly what most vampires would consider fun.” Buffy arched an eyebrow.
“Yeah, well, I'm not most vampires, am I?” He stopped, a peculiar look crossing his face. “If I’m even a vampire still, anyway. I'm out in the sun, all soulful, can't drink any blood. Can't even go into game face.”
“Have you tried?”
“Yeah. Couldn't do it.” He sighed, and Buffy put her arms around him. “I’m a bloody pathetic excuse for a vampire-ghost.” He hung his head.
“Well, I still love you anyway,” Buffy replied, freezing when she realised what she had said, and the casual way she'd said it. She glanced at Spike, who had stilled at her words.
Neither of them spoke for several long moments, until... “Buffy?” He said her name with such hope in his voice that Buffy knew she couldn’t play the avoiding game any longer. “You mean that?” He let out a huff of breath that almost sounded like a laugh.
“Yeah, I did. I do.” She looked up at him, wanting to see his face when she told him again. “I mean it. I meant it before, in the Hellmouth. Kinda hurt that you didn’t believe me.” She touched her lips to his neck and spoke against the softness of his skin, the words whispered. “I love you.”
A shudder ran through Spike and she clutched him tighter, wondering what he was thinking. She drew back, her gaze steady as she looked at him.
“God, Buffy,” he said, eventually. “I love you, too.”
She smiled. “And that’s the proper response, you big dummy. Not ‘No you don’t, but thanks for saying it’!” Her imitation of his English accent was so terrible that when he started laughing, she joined in.
“Never do that again, pet,” he said, smiling.
“What?” Buffy replied. “Tell you I love you?”
He pulled her roughly against him. “Oh, no. You can tell me that whenever, wherever.”
“All right, then. I love you.” She kissed him lightly, the mood turning sombre once more when she hesitated over her next words. “Why do you believe me now, when you didn’t before?”
Buffy felt him tense before he looked away. She grasped his chin and turned his face back to hers. “It’s barely been a week since Sunnydale collapsed, Spike. Why didn’t you believe me then?”
“Guess I was scared,” he said, voice hoarse. “Has it only been a week? Felt longer. Had a lot of time to think… time I didn’t have when the bloody Hellmouth was collapsing all around us. I didn’t want to believe you, you see? Didn’t want to have that golden carrot dangled in front of me when I knew I was gonna die.”
“It wasn’t the best timing in the world,” Buffy admitted. “But—will you believe me if I said I didn’t realise I loved you until that moment? I knew I felt... things for you before. I knew that I cared about you.” Frowning, she turned in his arms to look at the sea, calm and flat, and reflecting the evening sun in a dazzling display. “I guess I was scared, too. I still am, Spike. You’re not staying.”
“Shh.” Spike followed her gaze across the shore. “Try not to think about it. You know I’d stay if I could.”
“I know.”
Neither of them spoke, or moved, for several long minutes. Spike had slipped his arms around her waist, his chin resting on her shoulder. Buffy tilted her head back, leaning against his chest. The sun had just started to set and the tranquillity of the moment was palpable.
It had been a long time since she had felt this content, this peaceful, and she liked it.
Yet, in the back of her mind—and despite Spike’s request that she not dwell on it—she couldn’t help but think of how this was just temporary and could be over in the blink of an eye.
***
“Ahh, get off!” Buffy’s shrieks were piercing as she slapped his hands away. Looking down, she sighed when she saw the sandy handprints Spike had left on the front of her t-shirt. “Really mature, Spike.”
“What?” He widened his eyes innocently, moving forwards to cup her breasts once more. “Couldn’t help myself, pet.”
“You could have waited till we’d gotten clean,” Buffy replied. “I only have, like, one other shirt with me.”
“Sorry, love. But hey, I have no objections if you don’t wear any clothes from now on.”
He looked so pleased with himself, she couldn’t help but smile. She grabbed his right hand and tried to pull him away from the sea. “Come on, let’s go clean up.”
Spike pouted. “I wanna stay.”
“It’s late, and you’ve made me all yucky,” Buffy replied. She was surprised at how much fun she’d had that evening, playing in the sand and sea with him. She felt light, free, like a child again. Spike was like she’d never seen him before, his usual playful teasing mixed in with pure delight at the simplest things: finding a perfectly smoothed seashell, spotting a tiny crab moving sideways in the sand. He seemed like a completely different person to the vampire she’d known back in Sunnydale.
Spike’s exaggerated sigh broke her from her thoughts and she tried to pull him towards the apartment again. She shivered, the chill of the night suddenly hitting her, now that the sun had gone. “Cold?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Come on, let’s go back.” Walking a little way ahead of him, she turned back, eyebrow raised. “I’ll make it worth your while. Hot shower, wet Buffy…”
She didn’t think she’d ever seen him move as fast.
***
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm a little hesitant to post this, as I'm running out of pre-written chapters. I've got chapter six done and about a third of chapter seven written, but no more. I'm hoping to finish chapter seven in the next couple of days, which will then keep me on my Thursday-Sunday posting schedule. Anyway, we'll see. Thank you for the reviews to the previous chapter, I hope you enjoy this one. :) Thanks to Sotia for the beta read!
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought in a review. :)