Chapter Eight
On the way back to the apartment, they stopped at one of the food stalls on the esplanade, where Buffy purchased a sandwich and a bottle of water. The carnival was still in full swing, people with pints in hand lining the streets outside the pubs and spilling out onto the beach.
A stage had been set up and a band was playing, the music lending the festivities a jovial air. Couples and groups of friends danced in the small area that had been roped off in front of the stage, and Buffy eyed them speculatively.
Throwing the last of her sandwich in a nearby bin, she turned to Spike and smiled. “Want to dance?”
“Oh, you know I do, Slayer,” Spike replied, raising an eyebrow. He followed her lead onto the makeshift dance floor and pulled her against him, his arms slipping around her waist.
“No,” she said, turning in his arms and pressing her back to his front. “Like this. It’ll look less strange.”
She began to sway to the rhythm, with sensuous little movements against him, knowing that this position would look more natural to an onlooker, who would see her dancing alone. Closing her eyes, she lost herself in the low beat of the music, wishing she could stay in the moment forever.
Knowing she couldn’t, she concentrated on imprinting it in her mind instead, memorising every little detail: the whisper of the waves on the beach in the distance, the tang of mulled cider and roasting meat on the air, and the feel of Spike at her back as he moved his hands up and down her sides and pressed his hips against her.
Spike ran his tongue along the shell of her ear. “Let’s go back,” he whispered, and his words sent a shiver down her spine. Nodding, she slipped from his arms and led the way back towards the apartment.
***
The sun shining on her face roused her from sleep the following morning and she stretched, the ache in her muscles from the previous night’s activities a pleasing one. She rolled over in the bed, expecting to see Spike lying next to her. He wasn’t there. She sat up, covers clutched to her chest and heart pounding.
“Spike?”
Slipping from the bed, she wrapped the sheet around herself and went out into the living room, quickly realising that he wasn’t there either, or in the kitchen or bathroom. She felt sick as she went back into the bedroom and dressed, wondering if this was it, if Spike had gone for good.
The day outside was another gorgeous one, a crisp blue sky with the bright early sunshine burning off the last of the morning’s chill, but she barely noticed it. “Spike!” She circled the perimeter of the house, finding no sign of the missing vampire. She thought about heading down to the beach, but decided it would be futile. There was no point. He’d said, the day before, that he felt he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer. That he needed her to be his anchor, to keep him grounded. Perhaps whatever tenuous hold she’d had on him had lessened whilst she was asleep.
She sank to the ground, uncaring that the grass was still wet with dew, feeling her mouth twist up as she tried not to cry.
A dog barked in the distance, a fly buzzed near her ear, and somebody was singing. She looked up, confused as the ba-da-ba-ba-ing came ever closer, and her jaw dropped when she saw Spike saunter into the garden, a shopping bag in one hand and a newspaper in the other.
She jumped up and leapt into his arms, the shopping bag and paper falling to the ground when he grabbed her shoulders to keep his balance. “Buffy?”
“I thought you’d gone!” She squeezed him tight and then released him, stepping back and glaring at him angrily. “Where did you go?”
He gestured to the items on the grass. “To get a few things from the shop. Food and such. You’ve not been eating properly.”
Clenching her fists, she took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. “And you couldn’t leave a note? Didn’t you think that I might get worried when I couldn’t find you? I thought that it—the greyness, whatever—had taken you back.”
“I’m sorry, love.” He tried to pull her back into his embrace, but she shook him off, still angry. “It’s still early. I thought I’d be back before you woke up.”
“Yeah, well, you were wrong.” She sighed, but finally allowed him to gather her in a hug before quietly admitting, “I was scared.”
“It’s gonna happen sometime.” Spike’s voice was no more than a whisper.
“I know.”
They stayed that way for several moments more, until Buffy felt her heartbeat calm, then turned to go back into the apartment. Spike stopped to pick up the plastic bag and the newspaper.
“How did you manage to go shopping, anyway?” she asked.
“Didn’t steal it, if that’s what you’re asking,” Spike said, suddenly defensive.
“Not saying you did,” Buffy replied. “But, you know, must have been hard, having come down with a case of the invisibles.”
“I can still pick stuff up, move things around.” Spike shrugged. “Don’t ask me how, when only you can see me. Not Mulder or Scully, here. Anyway, went in early when the shop’d be empty, got my bits and pieces and left the money on the counter. Easy.”
Buffy smiled to herself when she unpacked the bag to find all her favourite foods in it. “You’re all kinds of clever today. Especially because you brought me chocolate cake. Expensive chocolate cake. My hero!”
Spike chuckled. “Only the best for my girl.”
“You know I am, right?” Buffy bit her lip, remembering another, not-so-pleasant time, when he had called her his girl. “Your girl.”
He looked away and turned to the groceries on the kitchen counter. “Let’s get all this put away.”
Buffy laid her hand on his shoulder. “Spike? I didn’t mean—we don’t have to talk about that.”
He finished putting away the carton of milk before turning to face her. “It’s not that,” he said, waving his hand. “That’s in the past, we put all that... badness behind us last year, I thought.”
Buffy closed her eyes and tried not to remember all she had done to him and the things he had done to her. “Right. So what’s with the frownies?”
He shrugged. “You’re my girl for now, but I’ll be gone soon. I hate knowing that when I’ve finally got you, I can’t have you.”
“Oh.” Buffy sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, her fingers twisting in the material of her shirt. “Look, I want to call Giles and tell him… see if he and Willow can help.”
“No.” He threw a box of biscuits into the back of a cupboard.
“Why not?” She stood up, fists clenched at her sides.
“Because there’s no point!” Spike slammed the cupboard door shut. “There’s nothing they can do.”
“We haven’t even tried!”
“Leave it, okay?” He came to stand in front of her, jaw clenched and the tendons in his throat standing out.
“Spi—”
“I said, leave it!”
They stood in a tense-filled silence for a few moments before all the anger seemed to seep out of him and he turned away, fingers pressed to his temples, pain etched across his face.
***
After breakfast—which was a quiet, strained affair during which Buffy ate and Spike looked on—Spike complained of a headache and went to lie down in the bedroom.
Buffy hated the strained atmosphere that had come between them, but didn't know how to fix it. She went into the bedroom to find Spike lying on the bed, flat on his back. When she entered the room, he turned his head away from her and closed his eyes.
Sighing, she climbed onto the bed and curled up next to him. He said nothing and didn't move, but the tension in his body relaxed a little and she knew the argument was over. Even if nothing had truly been resolved.
They lay together for a while, Buffy listening to the birdsong outside until she was sure he was asleep. When she knew he was, she gently rolled out of the bed and padded towards the door, picking up her cellphone as she did so.
The front door shut behind her more loudly than she'd thought it would and she winced, waiting a few moments before deciding that it hadn't awoken him.
She hated this, going behind his back, directly against his wishes, but she knew that she was right. And after the utter bliss of the last few days, she wasn't ready to let go. Oh, she wasn't stupid. She knew that it wouldn't always be like this, if he found a way to stay.
Something about this seaside town was magical, giving the last few days an out-of-time feeling. Real life would be silly squabbles over dirty dishes, not idyllic walks on the beach.
But it didn’t matter. They would be together, and she wanted that so badly.
Dialling Giles’s number, she hit the call button and waited.
***
“Hello?” Buffy had been expecting her watcher to answer, so when she found herself speaking to Dawn, it was a surprise and she almost hung up. A sudden rush of guilt stayed her hand when she realised that she hadn’t contacted her sister since that first morning on the beach.
“Hey, Dawnie.”
“Buffy!” Her sister sounded two-parts excited and one-part anxious. “I’ve been so worried! I wanted Willow to do a locator spell, but Giles wouldn’t let her. Where are you?”
“I—” Buffy wasn’t sure what to say. Did she tell Dawn that Spike was back? Get her hopes up only to dash them when she revealed he came with an expiration date? She settled for telling half of the truth. “I’m by the ocean.”
“What?” She sounded angry. “You left us to go to the beach? Buffy, our world just collapsed. Literally. I needed you, and you took off without a thought! You could have at least told us.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Buffy replied. “I can’t explain right now. I’m sorry for not telling you.” She paused, glancing back towards the house, hoping that Spike was still asleep. “Is Giles there?”
“No.” Buffy could hear the sulk in her sister’s voice. “Don’t think you’re off the hook, missy. There’s gonna be full-on brattiness when I see you next.”
“I look forward to it.” Buffy smiled. “But I really need to speak to Giles.”
“I told you, he’s not here. Willow found some more new slayers in Scotland and they went to fetch them. They’ll be back by tomorrow morning.”
“They left you alone?”
“No, geez. Xander and all the other slayers are here.” Dawn fell silent for a moment, before continuing, quietly. “It’s not like you care, anyway.”
“I care.” Buffy felt a heavy weight begin to build in her chest, the guilt creeping up again.
“Then you should be here,” Dawn argued, tone petulant. “When are you coming back?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t plan to stay this long.”
“You are coming back, right?” This was whispered, Dawn’s voice barely audible over the phone.
“Yes! How could you think I wouldn’t?” Buffy switched the phone to her other ear and sat down heavily on the stone step in front of the door. The sun was warm on her face, the pleasantness of the day a direct contrast to the seriousness of the conversation—her apparent failings as a sister, a slayer, a friend. She knew that nothing she could say, except the truth, would convince Dawn that she had a good reason for leaving so soon after the apocalypse, and for staying away.
She sighed. “Dawn, I swear I’ll explain everything when I get back. And I am coming back, I just don’t know when. But I really do need to talk to Willow or Giles. It’s important.”
After a few moments, Dawn replied. “Life or death important?”
Buffy hesitated, thinking of Spike asleep inside the apartment, knowing that, even at that moment, he could be losing himself to the nothingness that wanted to take him. “Yes.”
Perhaps Dawn sensed that she was serious, because she didn’t offer any further protest or argument. “Okay. As soon as they’re back, I’ll tell him.”
“Thanks, Dawnie.”
They said their goodbyes and Buffy hung up, setting the phone down on the step beside her. The sudden creaking of the front door made her jump and she stood up, hand pressed to her pounding heart, trying not to let anything show on her face. “Spike!”
“What are you doing out here?” He looked tired still, eyes bleary and hair adorably tousled from sleep. “I heard you talking.”
“Nothing.” Her eyes flickered involuntarily towards her cellphone and she cringed when she saw Spike make the connection. His jaw set and he narrowed his gaze.
“You called them.”
“I didn’t,” she replied, but the words sounded false even to her own ears. “Fine. I did. I called because I want them to help find a way for you to stay.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not going to apologise for that.”
“Yeah? Well you bloody well should!”
Buffy took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “Why? What is so wrong with me wanting to help you? I thought I could accept it, accept that you were only here for a few days, but that feels too much like giving up to me, and I don’t give up. Ever.”
“It’s pointless.” Spike shouted, throwing his arms up in the air and pacing down the front path.
She shook her head and mouthed wordlessly, trying to talk past the lump building in her throat. “Who are you? Don’t you want to stay? Is that it? The Spike I knew wouldn’t give up. He would fight this. For me. For us.” She pushed past him and out into the lane, running towards the beach and leaving him standing open mouthed behind her, before he too set off at a run.
Catching up with her as she rounded the corner to a secluded cove, he grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around.
“Leave me alone.” She shrugged his hand away, turning her back on him.
“Buffy, love, it’s not that I don’t want to stay. I do. You just don’t understand.”
“Then tell me!” Her eyes blazed angrily. “Explain to me why you won’t let Giles and Willow help.”
He said nothing, just stared at her with anger, and pain, and confusion in his gaze. She had a few moments to wonder if he was going to reply, before he fisted the material of her shirt in his hand and pulled her towards him.
His mouth crashed to hers with such force that it almost hurt, teeth clashing and lips bruising.
Buffy moaned into the kiss, all thoughts of anything else but Spike leaving her as she lost herself in his touch.
-TBC-
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you to everyone who's reading and commenting on this fic. Your comments mean a lot and without them I might have given into my perpetual laziness and not got this far. I think there will be two more chapters and an epilogue, but I'm not sure yet. There won't be an update this Sunday, but I might have something else to post related to this fic in the next week at my livejournal. Keep an eye out. Thank you lots and lots to Sotia for beta reading. She's awesome! *hugs* Enjoy!
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Thank you for reading. Please review with your thoughts!