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Author's Chapter Notes:
I sincerely apologize for posting this out of order. I had thought I had all of the chapters posted on here. Mea culpa. Hope you all enjoy these chapters, in the correct order.
A warning for those of you who may not be fans of quoting poetry or songs in stories. I felt that quoting the song "Good Night Sweet Girl" by Ghost of the Robot (James Marsters' band) was necessary. Listening to it & reading the lyrics evokes (at least in me) a feeling that Spike could have written this about Buffy. Judge for yourself.
And as usual, Joss owns all - I'm just borrowing.
Chapter 3

Spike was intermittently strumming his guitar and writing notes down on the sheets of lined paper. He was nearly finished, but wasn't sure if it sounded right. As he started playing from the beginning, Buffy's ears perked up at the melodic sound of guitar emanating from the courtyard. Willow tried to hold her back, but Buffy was too far out of her reach by the time she realized where she was headed. Buffy opened the doors into the courtyard and gazed at the back of the wavy, brown haired man belting out the plaintive tune.


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"Are we done for now,
Or is this for good,
Will there be something in time?
With us there should.

Only girl for me is you
There can be no other one
If I didn't have faith
I would come undone

So much promise in your eyes
Seems that I can only see
It always makes me wonder
If you save it all for me

Maybe you do
Maybe you don't
Maybe you should
Probably won't...

Because there will be...

There will be other guys
Who will whisper in your ear
Say they'll take away your sadness
And your fears

They may be kind and true
They may be good to you
But they'll never care for you
More than I do…"


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Buffy stood there stunned, unable to breathe properly. Spike laid the guitar down to write down a few more notes when his pencil broke.

"Oh, bollocks," he griped. He noticed her out of the corner of his eye. He stood up quickly and faced her.

"Buffy," he mouthed, unable to get the words to come out. He blinked rapidly, unable to move any other part of his body.

She was struck equally dumb. In her mind she was screaming "Spike!" but her mouth couldn't form the words and her vocal chords seemed paralyzed. They stood frozen like that for what seemed like an eternity before Willow came bursting through the courtyard doors calling out to Buffy.

She snapped out her shock long enough to realize he was standing in the sunny courtyard and hadn't burst into flames. What was going on and what did Willow know about this? Furthermore, why hadn't Angel told her that Spike was back? Millions of questions buzzed in her head but she couldn't get a single one to coherently come out of her mouth. Her emotions swirled like a vortex – happiness at having him back quickly changed to anger at having been lied to and then went back again.

Buffy turned to her friend, jaw slackened and eyes wide, glistening with tears. Willow's pleading eyes told her what she already knew.

"You knew?" she asked quietly, her anger starting to poke through again.

"He didn't want us to tell you," Willow said apologetically.

Buffy's jaw tightened and her eyes blazed. She glanced from her friend to the still immobile Spike.

"He told you not to tell me what exactly?" she seethed, pointing an accusatory finger at Spike.

"I told them not to tell you, love, because I wanted you to move on with your life. I would have just buggered things up," Spike explained quietly.

She turned to face him and he could plainly see the maelstrom of emotions that she felt right there on her face. Her eyes were still glistening as she held back tears, but her body was tensed, ready to attack.

"Who them?" she asked slowly, deliberately.

He silently cursed himself. He looked down for a moment before meeting her gaze again. "Angel, Andrew," he pointed a finger at Willow, "Red there, Wesley-"

She held up her hand to stop him. "I get it; everyone knew except for me. Great! Anything else you'd like to tell me? Like why you're not going all crispy in the sun? Find a new sunscreen? SPF 5 million maybe?" She crossed her arms in front of her and glared at him.

He hadn't really practiced what he was going to say to her. He thought he had had more time. His instinct had been to walk to the top of the steps where she was standing, but he stood his ground by the fountain.

"Noticed, did ya?" he said as he looked at her and smiled. She didn't smile back. Her lips were pursed and her eyes were angry now. He quickly went on.

"I've been touring the hell dimensions the last few years, killing anything that tried to make their way topside. Ran into a Mohra demon a couple months ago. Turned me into this," he swept his arms out.

She took in the new information, nodding her head. "So how long have you been back?" she asked quietly.

"Some brassed off Wolfram & Hart bloke named Lindsay found the amulet in the ruins of Sunnyhell. He mailed it to Angel a few days after, well, after," he explained.

She stayed quiet, so he went on.

"As soon as he opened the envelope, the amulet dropped out and I popped out too. Non-corporeal ghost. Bloody aggravating." He looked up at her and she silently signaled him to continue.

"The amulet had stored my soul, essence, whatever you want to call it. Fred, sweet girl, tried her bloody hardest to figure out how to get me a body. Few weeks later, the same bloke who sent the bauble sent me a package. Opened it and something went all sparkly and zappy, and I had my body back. Even bought a ticket to France to go and see you," he looked up at her as he said it and she locked eyes with him.

"And?" she prompted him.

"Decided it wouldn't look very heroic to show up after I saved the world. What was I gonna say to you? 'Hi Buffy, look, not dead, even though I went all crispy saving you.'" He looked down and kicked a rock with his boot.

"You decided? Don't you think I deserved some say in all this decision-making?" she said shakily. She wasn't sure she could make it through this without running. Instead she spat back at him,

"Do you even realize what the last six years were like for me?"

He was taken aback. So she was going to attack; well he would go on the defensive.

"Spending the last six years with The Immortal, if I'm not mistaken. Saw you with him when Angel and I came to Rome a few years back. You didn't look too broken up in that club, pet," he fired back, eyes blazing angrily.

"You saw me?" she asked.

"Yup, and Andrew told us the two of you played snuggle bunnies on the couch." She gasped. "That's why I told 'em not to tell you. I knew then I had to let you go and live your life and I had to live mine." He exhaled and stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. "Besides, if something would have happened to me, you would still think I was dead," he mumbled.

She had composed herself enough to reply to his accusations.

"I haven't been with The Immortal the whole time. We broke up five years ago. I had to concentrate on training and bringing in new Slayers. Work has been the only thing keeping me sane. I haven't had a good night's sleep in, in," she choked up, "since that night before you..."Tears streamed down her face."I have nightmares every night. I see you and what you said to me repeats over and over in my head like a broken record and I can't save you," her voice cracked.

He could tell she wasn't lying. She was broken, hollow. He slowly walked up to the steps. The closer he got to her, the clearer he could see the deep purple half-moons under her eyes.

"Why didn't you believe me?" she cried, looking at him as he stood by the bottom step.

"Needed you to live, pet. Couldn't have you sacrifice yourself again. Dawn needed you, the little Slayers needed you; you had to live. It would have been selfish to keep you with me," he said gently, as he slowly ascended the steps.

She wiped away her tears angrily.

"You call this living? I have felt hollow the last six years. It's been even worse than when I was pulled out of heaven," she said angrily. Willow flinched beside her. "Sorry Wil, but you know what it's been like," she half-heartedly apologized to her friend.

"It's OK, I know. It has been pretty sucky," Willow shrugged. "I've taken to putting a silencing shield around her room after she goes to bed so she doesn't wake up the rest of us," she explained to him. Buffy looked at her quizzically.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have moved out," Buffy said softly, looking down.

"Nah, it wasn't that much of a biggie. Besides, me and Tara made it part of our nightly ritual," she smiled as she said her girlfriend's name. She could take any amount of crap from Buffy now that she had Tara back. Buffy's wish had brought a light back into her life that she thought had been gone for good.

He reached the top step and stood just mere feet from her. He could smell her perfume and it was intoxicating. He was fighting the urge to wrap her up in his arms and tell her that everything would be all right. He stuffed his hands in his pockets again and gazed at her.

"I'm sorry, love, I really am. And I'm sorry I bollocksed up your life," he said apologetically.

She looked up and gazed into his beautiful blue eyes. Then she reached back, slugged him across the face and knocked him out cold.





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