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Author's Chapter Notes:
Buffy and Spike have a heart to heart.

A huge thanks to my Beta Pixiecorn (Kelly) for going over this chapter for me thanks sweetie your the best. Also thanks again for the amazing banner i love it.
Chapter 7

Alone.

Buffy knew she was being childish the moment she had decided to sneak off early. She had promised to meet Spike at her house for their usual nightly protrols but after the events of the night before she just wasn’t up for an awkward night of silence, so just before the sun had gone down she had slipped out, deciding to break their routine and start with the cemeteries instead of down near the docks.

The sun had gone down almost an hour ago and Buffy thought she was in the clear for the night, that Spike had gone to her place, realized she was gone and had simply called it a night.

“Yeah right!” She couldn’t help but think.

She felt him long before she smelt the Spike combination of cigarette, whisky and leather, the tingle at the back of her neck a tell tale sign that a vampire was near. She had gotten so close to him over the months that she could actually tell the difference between him and all the others.

“I thought you'd out grown your stalker phase?” She spoke loudly into the quiet cemetery, stopping but not bothering to turn to face him. He smiled, stepping out from behind a nearby tree.

“Well I thought we agreed to meet at your place at seven.” He replied, moving in front of her.

“I got tired of waiting.” She replied coldly, not looking at him as she started walking.

“Really? 'Cause I wasn’t running late, in fact I was fifthteen minutes early.” He snapped, stepping in front of her once more effectively forcing her to stop.

“Well you must have just missed me.” She lied, finally looking up at him. She could see his anger and the concern in his eyes and couldn’t help but feel guilty that she had made him worry.

“If you’re going to lie Buffy at least try to lie better!” He snapped. “Dawn told me you left before sundown.” She sighed, knowing she was busted. “I was worried, Buffy. What if something happened to you out here? Don’t you remember what happened last time you patrolled alone?” He hissed, his temper getting the best of him.

“Yes, I remember but I'm not a child that needs babysitting, Spike. I’m the slayer, have been for over twelve years. I can handle myself!” She spat.

“What, like you handled yourself in London the night you got both you and your watcher killed?” Spike regretted his words instantly. He knew what he had said was low but when she looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears and face red with rage, he managed to feel even worse.

“Go to hell Spike!” She hissed, pushing past him and almost knocking him off his feet.

“Buffy wait!” He called but she refused to stop. Spike raced to catch her and grabbed her by the arm, turning her to face him he was met with a fist to the face. The force of the punch knocked him off his feet.

He wiped the blood from his lip before standing to face her.

“Okay, I deserved that.” He nodded.

“Yeah you did!” She snapped.

“Look luv I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong and out of line." He met her eyes. "It’s just, I worry about you. I don’t want to see you hurt. I know you can handle yourself but please just let me help okay." He let out a sigh. "Four eyes are better then two.” He smiled.

“Whatever.” She replied, moving again. They walked in silence for almost an hour, only running into the occasional vampire before Buffy couldn’t take anymore.

“Look, maybe you should call it a night it’s been pretty slow.” She sighed, turning to face him.

“Its fine. I don’t mind hanging around.” He shrugged.

“Well I do!” She snapped. “ Look, you're going to have to trust me alone sooner or later and what better time to start than when I want to be alone.”

“Pet, I’m getting the feeling you’re trying to ditch me.”

“Only just then... Apparently I’m not being clear enough.” She sighed before looking into his eyes. “Go home Spike.”

“Fine! I know when I’m not wanted.” He snapped.

“Finally.” she replied sarcastically.

“Be that way then.”

“I will.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” She said, standing there for a moment, neither making a move before Buffy spoke again. “Well?”

“What?” He asked, slightly confused.

“I thought you were leaving?”

“I am.”

“Good.” She said, turning and making a move to walk away.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s bothering you?” He called out. She turned to face him annoyed.

“Nothing is bothering me.” She snapped but he was unsatisfied with that answer, walking up to her.

“Bullocks! You've been acting like a child ever since I showed up.”

“I’ve been acting like a child? What about you last night? One minute you're kissing me and the next you're running from my house like a shy little virgin whose afraid I’m going to steal his virtue.”

Spike let out a sigh. He should have know that the night before would come up, hell he had pushed the subject but still he was afraid.

“Buffy…” He started but she quickly cut him off.

“Forget it Spike, I don’t want to hear it!” She snapped, turning to leave again.

“Buffy it’s not what you think!” He called out.

She turned to face him, scared of his rejection and the humiliation that came with it but hoping that maybe she had gotten it all wrong.

“Then what is it Spike?” She sighed, taking a seat on a nearby headstone, watching as he paced in front of her.

“I’ve been on this earth well over a hundred years and in that time I’ve lost so many people-" he met her eyes. "people I cared about deeply. My parents, friends, Drusilla, Jenny, Faith, so much lost. So much heartache it makes it so hard to get close to anyone else.” He said before deciding he needed to be completely honest with her if he wanted her to truly understand,

“I spent a hundred years with Drusilla before she left me. I was crushed," he sighed. "she was my everything. She made me and I was certain I would never trust another women again and then I came here and met Jenny and Faith and before I knew it they had captured my heart. Jenny was like a second mom to me I loved her and when she died I felt something inside me died with her. I experienced a whole new level of pain I never knew existed and then Faith died and for a very long time I felt like I had failed her. I cared about her so deeply and I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel that way for anyone again.”

“Did you love her?” Buffy whispered, almost fearing the answer.

“No but my feelings ran very deep.” She nodded in understanding before he continued. “When Giles told me you where coming to Sunnydale I told him I wanted nothing to do with you.”

“Why?” She asked, slightly hurt.

“Because I was scared of getting close to someone again. I was never really close to the scooby gang as they call themselves but after Faith died I had to fight by their sides to keep this town and them safe and I got close. I connected with them and now I think of how one day I'll have to watch them leave or worse die and it scares the hell out of me.”He spoke honestly.

“You blew into my life and took me completely by surprise, I tried to keep you at a distance but somehow you worked your way in here.” He whispered placing a hand over his heart. “But there is a line that I have to draw even if every part of me doesn’t want to. What would happen if I allowed myself to fall in love with you? It would be so easy but so painful and the day would come when you would die saving me or the world and you'd feel like you could no longer trust me.”

“I will always trust you.” She whispered tears in her eyes.

“You wouldn’t if the chip stopped working. You would always worry what I was doing when I wasn’t with you and eventually you'd leave. You've decided you can’t trust me and my heart can’t take another loss, not now… I’m sorry Buffy.” He whispered before turning and leaving her alone.


Chapter End Notes:
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