They’d been in the car for about half an hour now. Neither of them had said a word. Which in Spike’s case made sense, given his previous abrupt exit. In Buffy’s case it did not. She wanted to talk to him. Explain. Understand his hasty change of heart. Make peace at least. But she had no idea as to how to even begin to do that. Normally Spike would have prodded her if he knew she had something to say. He would have annoyed her until she finally gave in, even if just to shut him up. His unwillingness to say anything at all, was therefore all the more unnerving. She felt like her proximity was actually physically bothering him. Like she was a fly that kept settling down on his forehead that he swatted away but every time it came back to land in the exact same place. It was not a pleasant feeling to say the least. She caught herself wondering if this was how Spike had felt throughout their relationship. If he’d felt like a fly. She recognized now that for much of their relationship she had treated him like one.
When they had started sleeping together after her return from the land of the dead, they’d been friends at first. Throughout the sexual relationship that followed, she had often missed being able to talk to him. Or, in all honesty, she missed the times when she allowed herself to like him, instead of scampering off with her virtue fluttering after glorious, mind-blowing sex. She’d kept him at a distance, letting him in only when it was convenient for her. Whenever he’d tried to see her or do something nice for her, she’d reacted with annoyance. As if he was bothering her by trying to see her.
See sat there, almost hearing the seconds tick by, telling herself that when the time on the dashboard showed one minute more, she would finally start speaking. Fifteen minutes had gone by in this manner, and Buffy was no closer to voicing her thoughts.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Slayer,” Spike finally snapped, “I can hear your heartbeat speed up at the beginning of each minute. If you’ve got something to say spit it out already. You’re driving me bonkers!”
Buffy proceeded to fidget nervously.
“We…we should talk, Spike.”
“I believe I already covered that when I said spit it out already,” Spike said, his tone no less irritated than before.
“What…uh…what happened in there, Spike?”
“Angel and I got into a scuffle. I won. I drank from the goblet of perpetual “we are the powers that be and we like fucking with your head” torment. You showed up. Angel went to brood somewhere else. We left. That about cover it?”
“I meant the part in between Angel being twelve and you being an idiot.”
“Don’t know what you mean, Slayer,” Spike said, avoiding looking at her.
“That’s bullshit. And quit calling me…I have a name you know.”
“Right. Don’t know what you mean,…Buffy”
“I take it back. You’re an idiot and twelve.”
“Yeah well, really is typical for tall dark and forehead to come out on top regardless of what us lesser beings do.”
“Wait…this is about Angel?”
“Isn’t it always? Figures that I sacrifice myself to save the world and as my reward I get mystically umbilical corded to the poofter. Can’t leave his bloody side. And then I get to watch the two of you making googly eyes at each other. I’d have fucking staked myself if I wasn’t half convinced that I’d end up having to shag the wanker in hell for all eternity. I deserve to go to heaven just for having to deal with him for the past a hundred plus years.”
“Ok. A of all, are you insane? B of all, Angel and I were not making googly eyes at each other. There’s not been anything between us in a long time.”
“A few months is a long time to you then, is it? That certainly explains a lot,” Spike answered angrily.
Guilt briefly flashed across Buffy’s face as she remembered the last kiss she had shared with Angel, as unbeknownst to her, Spike watched them from somewhere in the background.
“That was different.”
“Really? How now?”
“I…we…I thought there was a real chance that I might die and never see him again. I didn’t…there is nothing between us anymore.”
“Well you might want to let him know about that. ‘Cause he sure seems to think different.”
“What? What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that he’s convinced you’re still in love with him. Thinks I was just a poor substitute for him.”
“That’s not…that’s not true.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“I wasn’t the one fucking my ex on a random desk not five hours ago!” Buffy screamed, letting her anger finally get the better of her.
Spike had the decency to once again look guilty and turn his face back towards the road, just in time to avoid running into a tree. He swore loudly and swerved heavily causing them both to painfully slam against the interior of the car. Thankfully they had been alone on the road, so there was no one behind them to run into them. They both breathed heavily, from the exertion of their argument and the shock of almost slamming into the tree. They turned stunned eyes to each other and perused each other’s bodies for injuries. Not finding any, their eyes rose to meet each other’s gaze, as they both held back from touching each other to ensure that everything was indeed okay and not broken.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, her eyes still fixed on his.
“You…what?” Spike asked, his expression turning bewildered.
“I’m sorry for implying that you weren’t worthy of the word “hero”. I neither meant it, nor believed it.”
She looked away from him, knowing that this next part would come easier if she couldn’t see him staring at her like that.
“Seeing you with Harmony…it ummm…it hurt. I was angry with you and so I said what I said to get back at you, I guess.”
“Buffy…I – “
“No,” she interrupted, “please let me finish. Otherwise we’re sure to get into another stupid argument before I get this out.”
Spike nodded his head slightly in agreement as a response.
“I was angry with you when I saw you with her,” she continued, causing Spike to lower his eyes and get that remorseful and ashamed look on his face again, “but I had little right to be.”
Spike’s head instantly shot up to look her in the eyes at that last part.
“We never really had a relationship. Well, we at least never had what mentally sane people would call a relationship. When Willow brought me back…I…I felt like you understood me. Like you were the only one who really did. The others…Willow and Xander…they tried but they couldn’t even begin to know what I was going through. In those first months, you were my only real friend.”
As she looked at him with what were obviously tears in her eyes, Spike felt the pain of her words in his unbeating heart. Even now, even as furious with her as he’d been no five minutes ago, seeing her like this made him want to gather her in his arms and hold her until everything was alright again. Whisper sweet, soothing words into her hair.
She turned her teary gaze away from him as she went on with what she needed to say.
“And then…when you got your soul…I felt close to you again. Like there was this thing between us that we both knew about but never spoke about. And it was warm and beautiful and delicate…and heartbreaking… but I never made it official. I never told you that I wanted to be with you. I never explained to you what was going on in my head, or my heart. I wasn’t fair to you. I wanted you by my side, but I never told you so. I never made any kind of commitment to you, while you’ve always given me whatever I wanted, or needed.”
Spike fought the steadily increasing urge to touch her, as a tear trailed down her face.
“So yeah. I had no right to react the way I did and I am sorry. You don’t owe me anything. And I will always think of you as a hero.”
“Buffy, I don’t know what...I…thank you,” Spike finally settled for.
“Once we figure out who was behind this apocalypse and setting you guys up, I’m going to leave. Giles was wrong. I shouldn’t have come here. Not this way. It was wrong of me to come in and try and fix things. It isn’t my place.”
“Okay,” he said.
She wanted to leave. After everything she’d just said to him, she still wanted to leave. He wanted to grab onto her and hold onto her tightly before she slipped through his fingers again. Ask her, no, beg her to stay, just this once. Instead, he nodded his head and turned from her, restarting the car, hoping the roar of the engine would mask the sound of his heart shattering into two million little pieces all over again.
Neither spoke during the rest of the drive back to Evil Incorporated.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here it is folks, chapter 9. And it didn't even take me a month to write. Woot!
Chapter End Notes:
Any thoughts? Suggestions? Philosophical inquiries or contemplative notions?