[Reviews - 123]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2354 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:

Hi guys, sorry I've been a complete let down with updates, but I'm covering so many shifts at work I can't think clearly when I get home, and the days off I have had I've been out of town spending time with my boyfriend...I'm really sorry again...but after a long wait here it is! The fallout from the Spuffy night, and A LOT more confessions about Spike's past which I think will make up for the wait...


Major plot points ahead, so this Chapter is VERY long and has MANY warnings so please read if unsure whether you will be harmfully affected by any of the material (which is not my intention) this chapter includes talk of domestic violence (against a woman and teenager), explanations of violent acts and murder...




Spike had been to her that day already, and three times the day before, bringing all of her meals. She didn’t know what hurt her more, the fact that most of the time he couldn’t stand to look at her, something that made her remember in detail what she’d really done to him, to them both; or that even though he was obviously hurt and showing it he didn’t avoid her this time. He still cared if she ate.

That first day he’d just opened the door, dropped the food on the floor with a thud and left again, but the next day he actually came into the room. He practically threw the plate at her though and said, “Enjoy it, princess.”

He hissed out the unfavourable nickname and it made Buffy’s stomach turn and before she could stop herself she was sneering out something equally nasty to mask how hurt she was. “Fuck you, Spike.” she said popping his name.

“Already did.” He smirked and moved to leave.

She panicked and shouted his name. He stopped and turned to her, and for a moment she didn’t remember why she’d done it, maybe because she regretted snapping at him. After all he could have been worse, he could have screamed and shouted; he could have not come at all. Maybe he was sulking, but he had a right to be upset, and she didn’t.

“I think we should talk.” she said sadly, knowing this would hurt them both even more, but also knowing that it was necessary to stop this cycle being dragged out another day or more.

Spike laughed under his breath, “The other night you told me not to talk.”

She looked down at the bed sheets she was sat on and whispered, “A lot of wrong things happened that night, Spike.”

“Like what?” he asked sharply.

She looked up at him slowly, but she wasn’t ready to carry on just yet, she didn’t have the courage.

“Come on, Buffy. Like what?” he asked again, “What was so god awful about me making love to you? Please tell me, because I’m at a loss.”

She tried not to let her quickening heart beat distract her, but it did. “I didn’t want it to happen…” She tripped over her words again, “It wasn’t meant to happen like that…”

She was talking about her plan rather than about them, but Spike mistook her and stepped forward angrily, “You did want it to happen, I know you did!” he shouted the words through clenched teeth. He stepped further towards her once more and continued, “And it was meant to happen.”

He had tried to stay calm, but with that last declaration she looked away from him and he felt the anger rise to the surface. He beat it down again, knowing it would only get in the way of what he had to get off his chest.

“It was meant to happen;” he repeated, “I’ve been fighting it for a long time and so have you. We’ve both been pretending that’s not where this was headed, but it was always going to end that way. It’s been on the cards since the day I brought you here, you’re not dumb enough to deny that are you?”

She didn’t answer him.

He paused, “There’s something between us, and if we’d met under different circumstances we’d have jumped each other’s bones a long time ago, if you ask me I’m surprised we lasted this long without it happening.”

Buffy took a breath, “But we didn’t meet in other circumstances, Spike. You have to face up to what we really are to each other, here and now, given the cards we’ve been dealt.” She got off the bed and stood in front of him. She was trying not to raise her voice and start an argument, but she saw how this was going to play out. She was always dragged into his pattern of fighting, and she could see he was about to lose his cool, but she hoped she could convince him of her point before it got that far. “We’re not lovers, we could never be lovers and we should never have been lovers.”

“Stop saying that.” he said turning away from her.

Buffy was surprised by his reaction, but she didn’t ignore it. What seemed to hit him the hardest was the idea that this was wrong, so maybe that’s what Buffy would have to focus on.

“It just didn’t feel right what we did, Spike.”

“It did to me.” he said, but she didn’t hear him; maybe if she had it would have weakened her resolve.

“You need to move on from it,” she sighed, “like I have.”

Spike laughed, bitterly, and Buffy noticed the change in his tone, and sensed his darker side was about to make an appearance. She wasn’t wrong.

“You’re not moving on from it, you can’t, not really.” He turned to face her again and walked right up into her personal space, “No one can have a night like that and forget it, you’re just pretending.”

“You think you’re calling my bluff, Spike, but its just wishful thinking.”

“Of course it is, luv.” he said laughing again. “Because I’m sure you scream like that for all the guys you forget about so easily.”

“No, you’re right, I don’t.” she said going in for the kill as the softly-softly approach still wasn’t deterring him, “I’ve never faked it like that before for anyone.”

She saw the flash in his eyes before she felt herself being pushed backwards, all the way to the wall with a slam.

“Take that back.” he growled.

She tried to laugh, as if she was being callous, but it didn’t quite come out right so she spoke instead, “Why? Does the truth hurt.”

“It’s not true.” he whispered, staring at her deeply.

“You think so highly of yourself?” Buffy asked, but before he could answer she continued, “You shouldn’t.”

He shook her a little, “I made you feel things.”

Her gut twisted at the memory, but she blocked it out. “Shame, guilt; yeah, lots of things.”

“No.” he said shaking her again.

“Get over yourself!” she shouted.

“Why are you denying it, Buffy?” he asked almost bewildered, “Your body is made for my body. I made you moan, and sigh.” He looked down at her mouth, “And cry out for me,” he leaned in to ghost his lips over hers, “for more of me.”

“It’s not true.” she said echoing his words, halting his assault on her senses before her body started to shiver at his closeness, “You’re nothing to me, you don’t even register.”

He pulled back, but his face was set in stone as if he was unaffected, “Your brain can deny it, but your body can’t. I bet that pussy of yours never had someone so deep.”

She grimaced at that, this time she didn’t have to fake her repulsion. “You’re disgusting.” she choked out, taken aback.

“Maybe, but you never had it so good as me.”

“Please, I had to close my eyes through the whole thing.”

“You did,” he said remembering, “but only because I made you come so hard your eyes rolled back into that pretty blonde head of yours.”

Everything he was saying was true, and Buffy felt tears brimming behind her eyes. She hated that she was hurting him; it was tearing her apart as she was forced to remember that night. It made her finally realise that by denying Spike of her, she was also denying herself of him, and the way he made her feel.

She covered quickly; he didn’t even notice her inner reflection. “Actually more like so it was easy to imagine someone else.” Her voice was starting to wobble, and she was sure that soon he would break her down, and part of her wanted him to; to break her down and never let her build these barriers back up again.

“You’re lying.” He meant those words to sound adamant, and to her maybe they did, but he felt they betrayed his insecurities, his failing confidence.

Buffy didn’t really know what to do anymore. Her guilty tears were still seconds away from claiming her, but should she keep going? Push him away once and for all? Or come clean and admit he was right, that she was lying to him?

She knew what she wanted to do, but she couldn’t stop that feeling in her gut that told her it was wrong, that they were wrong. Spike was right, there was something between them, but they weren’t meant to act on it; she couldn’t, and she couldn’t be the one to tell him that, she wasn’t strong enough. Maybe if she carried on fighting with him he’d pull it out of her? “Then why won’t I sleep with you again?” she asked him, hoping that would really get him angry, angry enough to shout at her until she had no choice but to give into him, “If you’re so great? Why am I flat out rejecting you?”

She waited, expecting him to come out with another witty retort, but it never came. He simply stared back at her for a moment or two and then let her go and left the room. She heard several doors bang on his way out and knew he had gone.

* * * * *

When Spike got back later he was still feeling the same, though he couldn’t think of any words that did his emotions justice. He wasn’t angry that she’d dented his pride and insulted his manhood, he wasn’t upset that she had rejected him and made him feel stupid, he wasn’t crushed that the best night of his life would not only never happen again, but that the very memory of it had been tarnished. None of these words held a candle to how that girl had made him feel, and as he came in from the cold he felt cold, through and through. Dark, alone and cold, and not even hearing her voice gently and tentatively call out for him when he reached the top of the stairs made him feel any better, in fact it only made everything worse.

“Spike?”

He ignored her, and this time unlike any other day he was determined to succeed. He went into his study and changed out of his wet clothes, it seemed to always be raining when he fled the house to get away from her, as if the weather was determined to mirror his mood, or was out to make fun of him.

“Spike?”

He busied himself with anything he could, he even went downstairs, but when he came back up to use the bathroom he heard her again. She was relentless, but she never raised her voice, and every now and then he heard a sob choke through.

He was furious with himself when he opened the door to her room, furious with her for breaking back into his heart for the millionth time. She was sat at the far end, huddled against the wall with her knees tucked under her chin. The bedroom was in darkness but the bathroom light filtered through enough so he could see her shift, bring her legs down away from her face and look up at him.

“Where have you been?” she asked.

“Out.” he said.

She sobbed again, and that’s when he stepped forward, tilting his head to really look at her in the dim light, “Have you been crying?”

Buffy shook her head pathetically, and if it hadn’t been completely inappropriate Spike would have laughed at how feeble her attempt was to hide her tears. They spilled out in front of him regardless of how much she tried to hide her face.

He walked across the room to her, and knelt down so their faces were almost nose to nose.

“What have you got to cry about?” he asked her bluntly.

Buffy wondered what he meant, was he belittling her, was he mad and suggesting she wasn’t allowed to cry because he was the one in pain? She decided to just answer him honestly as if he’d really been asking her that simple question. “You.” she whispered.

“Why the hell were you crying over me?” he seemed legitimately shocked.

“What I did to you was…” she trailed off, more tears bleeding out of her sore eyes.

“What did you do, luv?” He brought his hand up slightly wanting to cradle her cheek in it so she wouldn’t cry anymore, but when she saw it she flinched and he drew it back. He could have still touched her, but he didn’t, because he couldn’t. She wasn’t going to answer him, she wasn’t going to let him in at all, and he wouldn’t be made a fool of.

Instead he stood up and walked back towards the door, but he felt himself being turned around before he even heard her move and she threw her arms around him, hugging him painfully tight.

“You’re emotions are kind of giving me whiplash, Buffy.” he said trying to pull away, a little angry with her.

She held him firm for another second and then let him go, but only once he’d stopped trying to make her. “I’m sorry.” she whispered still crying, “This is my fault. I can blame you for so many things, but this part’s all me.”

His face softened immediately when he looked into her eyes, she was genuinely sorry, but she looked a little frantic. “What’s all you?” he asked, becoming slightly worried.

“I need to tell you something.” she said quickly, “I need to tell you before I lose my nerve again.”

“You need to calm down, pet.”

“Maybe.” she said softly. She looked behind her and saw the bed. She moved back to it, and like she had done that night, she led him over with her, and he blindly followed, not even thinking about why he shouldn’t. When she got there this time though she just sat, and motioned for him to sit next to her. They sat there in silence for a long time until Buffy calmed down enough and finally said something to him.

“Spike the reason I asked you to leave the other night…” she looked up at him, hating the fact she had to get this off her chest, that she felt, or more like knew she owed it to him to be honest. “It wasn’t because I really wanted you to leave, or because I didn’t want you; you didn’t do anything wrong…I did.”

“What are you getting at, pet?” he asked, now puzzled by her confession.

“I just needed to tell you that.”

This time he turned to her and shouted at her, “God damn it, Buffy!” It wasn’t mean or spiteful, he was just frustrated, and when he continued to talk it turned out it was exactly what she needed to hear from him. “Look, just for once forget who I am and who you are, and why we shouldn’t sit here and have a fucking conversation, and just tell me what’s going on in that head of yours without being scared of it…or me!”

“I used you, Spike.” she blurted out.

“Come again?” he asked still not piecing it together, which made it worse for her.

“You’re going to hate me after I say this, and its ironic, because these past few days I’ve actually been trying to get you to hate me, and now that I’m actually going to tell you this it’s the last thing that I want.” she laughed at herself, “You were right, Spike…about everything…about how amazing that night was, about how you made me feel,” she continued before he could get his hopes up, “but I was telling the truth when I said I didn’t want it to happen like that, and that I didn’t want it to happen again.”

“I don’t understand, Buffy.” he said shaking his head, trying to take everything she had just admitted in and process it, “I don’t want to sound like an amateur in my sexual experience, but I’ve never felt anything like that before, it’s not something I would want just the once.”

“I know,” she sighed choosing her next words carefully, “I’ve never felt that way before either. And I also know you’re not an amateur, believe me, I know, I’m enlightened on that point.” He smiled until she said, “But there’s a reason behind what I said, and when you hear it you’ll understand, and you’ll feel the same.”

Spike nodded to signal that he’d let her speak.

“I planned it, Spike; the whole thing.” She expected him to butt in, part of her even hoped he would, but he was still respecting her and keeping quiet, so she had to continue. “I didn’t like the idea that you were going to be in control of things. I had to get you on my side. I slept with you that night so you’d think twice about getting rid of me.”

Spike frowned, “Not really complaining here, luv; seen as I didn’t know the reasons behind it.”

“But you would have found out eventually,” she sighed, “and even if you hadn’t I knew. You were so tender and giving, but I was using you…and it was killing me.”

If she hadn’t been so tired, Buffy was sure she would have started crying again. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Spike. I didn’t think about it properly, I didn’t think how it would make me feel afterwards. I went through with it believing it would turn things in my favour, but when I saw how much it meant to you I knew I couldn’t do it ever again. It made me feel cheap just imagining how much it would hurt you if we carried on and you found out my motives further on down the line.”

Spike screwed his face up in confusion and looked away, as if he was trying to make sense of something he didn’t quite understand.

Buffy thought she’d made herself clear, but she didn’t anticipate how much of shock that would be for Spike to hear all at once, especially after the way she’d acted earlier that day.

“So, let me get this straight...” he said, “You slept with me so I would let you go, but now you don’t wanna sleep with me again, because it would hurt us both too much?”

Buffy nodded guiltily.

They sat there in silence for at least 5minutes without either of them knowing what to say next.

Then out of nowhere Spike asked, “Did you really fake it?” He knew it was such a guy-thing to ask, but out of everything that had happened, his bruised ego came to the forefront of his mind.

“No.” she said honestly, “That night was electrifying, you did make me feel things I’ve never felt before, and I shouldn’t have made you think otherwise, but I didn’t expect to feel like that. I wanted to bargain for my freedom and I know I hurt you when I threw you out, when I said all those things to make you angry and to make you hate me, but I didn’t want you to want me. I didn’t deserve you wanting me like that when I…”

“Didn’t want me back?” he finished for her.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you didn’t really want to be with me, did you?”

Buffy didn’t want to answer; she didn’t want to give herself to him more than she already had. Instead she implied what she wanted to say, “I hope you know how difficult it is for me to answer that.” She paused, “And I hope that is enough of an answer.”

He nodded, it was. If she hadn’t wanted to be with him it would have been easy for her to say, her silence gave him his crumb for now.

“I can’t justify what I tried to do, Spike, but I’m sure you can think of reasons why I did it. If not then maybe it’s because I don’t deserve to have excuses. What I did was wrong, and I’d give anything to take it back.”

Spike looked up at her hurt for the very first time, he could cope with what she’d done, but as before he couldn’t cope with her dismissal of their time together.

Buffy understood a little; “Only to save us both the pain of the consequences.” she clarified.

Spike huffed a laugh, but it wasn’t his usual laugh, it was sadder.

“What?” she asked.

“Its only what I deserve.” he said.

She wanted to tell him it wasn’t true, but she’d done as much convincing as she could tonight; anything else was dangerous territory. She couldn’t seem like she cared too much about his feelings, even if that was the case.

Out of the darkness came his voice, “I forgive you, pet.”

She looked up at him, wondering if she’d heard him right.

“But you’re wrong about one thing…I don’t feel the same now I’ve heard your story…What you did wasn’t okay, but…I shouldn’t expect you…” he trailed off sadly, correcting himself, “I shouldn’t expect anything.”

Buffy knew she should stay quiet. She’d felt guilty and Spike had forgiven her and cleared her conscience. She had no need to push anything further, but what she knew she should do, and what she wanted to do where always the opposite.

“If I asked you something, Spike, would you answer me?...If I asked you why you said things like that, would you tell me?”

He looked at her pained, this is what he’d feared the most, her asking him straight out; asking to hear about his past. He couldn’t deny her anything; he could hide it from her forever, willingly, but not if she asked him like this. “You know why I’m a bad man, Buffy. You of all people know why.”

“I didn’t ask how I see you, Spike, or what you’ve done to me. This isn’t about me…” she paused, “I asked you why you talk that way about yourself.”

“You really want to hear it?” he sighed.

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

He turned away and laughed under his breath, laughed at himself, at her and at their situation. Laughed because it was so inappropriate to laugh when everything he’d built with her would be destroyed by the story she was asking for, the story he knew he’d have to tell her one day.

“Just for the record, I don’t want to tell you…” he said shaking his head. “But I will.”

She didn’t know what he was going to say, whether it would be about the things he’d done, why he did them, or how they made them feel, but she wanted to know why he thought he didn’t deserve her. It might be true, but she needed to hear it.

“Ever wondered why I talk… ‘funny’ I guess would be the term?”

She nodded, she did wonder about Spike’s past; about simple things like where he was from and where he grew up just as much as his criminal background.

“Me and my mum didn’t always live here, but my step dad was American and he got us all Visas or whatever. My mum felt a bit pressured, but we came over from England when I was about 10; he’d gone to so much effort after all.”

Buffy could sense a hint of bitterness in his last statement; she waited patiently. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant story so she knew she couldn’t push him.

“And it was alright for a while...but then he got laid off work, and my mum had to take a couple of crummy jobs to keep us afloat. He started drinking, and…well…I can’t really blame the drinking, I think he’d always been violent, its just he had an excuse for it when he started that.”

Buffy gazed over at him, she had no idea what to do or say as she saw Spike’s story unfold before her eyes. This man, as with most violent men, had been the victim of violence to begin with. She knew that’s where this story was heading, and part of her knew it was going to be even worse than she imagined.

“He started on my mum first, but for a while I didn’t twig. Those stupid excuses…you know, ‘walked into a door,’ ‘tripped,’ ‘clumsy me, don’t worry.’ They all make sense at first, because it’s someone you love and you don’t really wanna see the truth. You want to think they all were accidents, because then they’re not in danger. You don’t want to see the truth, because then you’re scared for them all the time. Eventually though you find out; it’s the way they act around each other, for me it was the way her hand shook at the dinner table when she passed him something, or the way her voice shook when she apologised to him for the slightest…” he sighed, “And then of course it happened to me…after that it all became clear what was happening to her.”

“He hit you?” she asked, with some last shred of hope that it wouldn’t be true.

“Not very often…not as much as he hit her….just sometimes, I talked back to him and he didn’t like that…but it was never that bad for me…”

He trailed off, and sensing he was doing the same Buffy prepared herself for the rest of his story.

“One day when I was 16 I was upstairs in my room and heard them arguing; they rarely ever argued when I was in the house, they’d save it until I was at school or whatever I was doing instead of school. Vice versa he’d try and only hit me when my mum was at work, made it easier for everyone to pretend it wasn’t happening if it all happened in secret…but a few times things had got rough and I’d had to get in between them. Sometimes I’d managed to stop it, and sometimes I just took the punches meant for her, but it was better that way...”

Buffy gave him a concerned look, but he simply answered, “I had to.”

She didn’t know what to say, her childhood hadn’t been a bed of roses, but in her own way she’d felt loved. Her mother often failed to pull herself together, but she always tried, because she hated what their lifestyle was doing to Buffy. Her father had abandoned them, her mother had been ill, but she’d never been abused; she’d never been in a situation where she’d had to take a beating to spare someone she loved having to suffer it instead.

“Anyway, this day, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I couldn’t figure out what he was angry at her for, but then I never could. I came down and he was shaking, his fists were clenched, and I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn’t move.”

He paused for a long time, Buffy fidgeted, he didn’t notice she’d moved closer to him.

“The next minute…it was like she flew backwards…When something like that happens it’s not in slow motion,” he said turning to her, “not like they say. When something like that happens, it happens almost too fast, everything’s a blur and you can’t make sense of it. So, she flew...hit her head on the kitchen side and fell on the floor, and then he ran over to her.”

Buffy thought it was over, but then Spike huffed a bitter laugh and hung his head, it drew her attention enough that she studied him before he spoke. It was all going to come out, that’s what his expression told her.

Spike turned away, he couldn’t look at her when he said, “Silly bastard didn’t even realise she’d been dead since she hit the counter, just kept on hitting her.”

Buffy felt bile climbing up her throat and swallowed hard.

“Like I said, fast, everything was so fast, and I wanted to stop it, but I wasn’t fast enough…He just kept hitting her and hitting her until…”

She swallowed again, but this time for the courage to ask, “Until you stopped him?”

The guilt in Spike’s eyes when he looked back up at her answered her question.

“I had to Buffy.” he said breathlessly, a tear falling out of his right eye, “She was my mum.”

Buffy felt the pain he did, it made her heart ache, but he’d just admitted her worst fear; that the man she felt for was a murderer. Her heart couldn’t hear anymore, but she knew she had to finish this, “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” he said, shaking his head, the tears running freely now, “I honestly don’t. Everything went dark, like some rage blackout, but when I came back to myself I was standing over him, he was on the floor and I was kicking him. I backed away when I realised what I’d done. There was blood everywhere and my knuckles were covered in it, some of it his, I could tell I’d been hitting him, because his face was swollen and bleeding…But some of it was mine, because I’d hit him so hard and for so long I’d broken the skin on my hands. I looked back down at him, and he wasn’t moving, and I had no idea how long he’d been dead, how long I’d worked on him, but I knew he was…they both were.”

When he looked across at her this time he saw her move. She’d looked away so that he couldn’t meet her eyes. It felt like a knife to his heart that she could no longer look at him, but he hadn’t expected anything else from her, so he said, “I’d beaten him to death.” so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding between them, so that she knew everything he’d done, everything he was capable of doing.

Buffy collected herself, she felt tears coming, but she wouldn’t let them fall, because she didn’t understand them. She didn’t know if they were from fear, or from pity, whether they were for her, or Spike’s mother…or even for Spike. So she wouldn’t let them come.

“What happened after?” she asked, thankful her voice didn’t betray too much.

Spike carried on looking at her, even though she wouldn’t return the favour. “I called Angel.”

Buffy snapped her head towards him, he was shocked to see that that confession had gotten her attention so much, she always acted so bizarrely when he mentioned Angel, yet she’d only met him once. He didn’t question anyone who knew the real Angel and was wary of him, but Buffy hadn’t even had a taste of what he was capable of.

His brow knitted together in confusion, but he didn’t think she had anything to say, she almost looked stunned, so he continued, “When my step dad first started hitting me I went off the rails, I stopped going to school and I fell in with a bad crowd, or as bad as you can get at that age…Sometimes few of the guys went to places they shouldn’t, hung around with people they shouldn’t, and through them I’d met Angel a couple of times. Everyone knew him around town because of his dad. He runs all the business in the south of city.”

“And by business you mean?”

“Not stocks and bonds.” he answered simply.

Buffy nodded and looked down at the floor as he continued wrapping up the ordeal.

“Illegal gambling, drugs, prostitution, you name it…but most of all he owns the game, he owns people…He hands out favours and loans and the means to make your own petty dealings…but then you have to enter the fold and pay him back...and that’s what happened to me.”

He stood up suddenly, and it shocked Buffy a little. As he walked forward she wondered if he was going to leave, but when he carried on talking it was clear he just wanted to put some distance between them.

“I called Angel, and I wasn’t making much sense, but I said I’d do anything if him and his dad helped me out…He came over to the house and even he was shocked at first…It makes me sick to remember it, but he was grinning the whole time, telling me he didn’t know I had it in me, and he seemed…” he turned around to her once more and this time she did look at him, wondering what he was going to say, “…proud.”

Her insides churned, that sounded exactly right for Angel.

Spike moved towards her, holding his hands out, “I kept telling him what happened, I was rambling. I couldn’t make sense of it either and he just started laughing, and I started having a panic attack. The next thing I knew I was crouching on the floor wheezing, seeing spots and he was stood behind me, his hand on my shoulder telling me to calm down, that his dad would fix everything and I’d be taken care of.” Spike got down on his knees in front of Buffy. “He said he’d stash the bodies somewhere they’d never be found, and I flew into another rage, shouting that he couldn’t do that to my mum…I had him up against the kitchen counter, by the throat…”

He hung his head, and Buffy itched to put a hand on his face, but by now she was feeling too numb.

“He started laughing again, saying that he liked me, I was going to be ‘useful.’ I was so scared I stepped back and started thinking a mile a minute. I’d never been violent in my whole life, and suddenly I’d killed someone and wanted to kill Angel too…I know it sounds daft, but that’s when I realised I was no good, just like everyone but my mum had always told me. I wasn’t a good person, and if Angel thought I was good at being bad, maybe that was something…I know its bullshit, but I was a kid. I literally had blood on my hands, and the only person in the world who cared about me was dead. There in front of me was a guy who was gonna make all that go away, and so I did whatever he told me too…His dad got rid of my step dad’s body, the police questioned me, but I got given a really expensive lawyer and he saved my ass. Police figured my step dad had killed my mum, freaked I would find out and had run out of town. Case closed.”

“So for all that you gave your life away?” Buffy asked.

He looked up at her wounded, but couldn’t answer her straight away.

“You sold your soul to the devil and never looked back.” She continued, “No matter what it cost you, or other people; no matter what he asked you to do, or what part of yourself you had to betray.”

“He kept me out of jail, he looked after me in a way that I can’t just ignore…I owe his father my life.”

“You lied to me.” she said feeling betrayed somehow. “You told me you didn’t have any loyalty to Angel.”

“I don’t.” he stressed, “Not to him; Angel was just a go-between, his father did everything, and as far as he’s concerned I’ve more than repaid my debt. I’ve stolen for him, I’ve dealt for him, hurt people for him, I’ve…”

“…killed for him?” she finished.

“I’ve done enough for him. I don’t owe him anymore; he keeps me around because I’m useful and I’m there, but if I had the money to start somewhere fresh he wouldn’t look for me, not if I left on good terms.” was his only answer; ignoring her question was as good as a yes.

He saw the look on Buffy’s face, it was not acceptance or understanding, but it also wasn’t rejection either. She may not like, or feel comfortable with what he’d done, but she hadn’t decided to push him away again just yet, not until she’d let it sink in, and that was fine for now.

“It's done.” he continued defeatedly, “I just want an end to it now, even if I don’t deserve one.” He sighed, deeply, with all his being, and moved passed her, around to the other side of the bed behind her, and laid on top of the sheets. He shuffled up and brought his hand to her hip, encouraging her to lie down in the space he’d made for her. Catatonically she did.

Once she was settled next to him he wrapped an arm around her. “I’m just so tired, Buffy.” he whispered.

So was she, physically, emotionally, mentally, she was tired. So tired that she drifted off to sleep almost immediately, and when she woke it was the middle of the night. She’d woke in a panic from her nightmares, like most times during the night. Spike’s arm was still around her and out of reflex she gripped it tighter as if he would protect her from something that wasn’t really there in the first place.

Feeling her touch, but still very much asleep Spike’s arm slid further round onto her stomach and pulled her closer.

She let it, suddenly her head filled with thoughts of Spike rather than the dark man from her dreams. Why after all she’d heard that night was everything still the same? Why did Angel haunt her dreams and Spike make her feel safe?

Was Spike a good man who had made mistakes? Had his violent start to life imprinted on him forever, or could he be a person again? Was he good, or did she just want him to be good? She knew one thing; none of the answers would come to her tonight.

She realised she was absentmindedly stroking Spike’s arm with her finger tips. Hoping sleep would come and things would make sense in time she gave up and closed her eyes, never moving out of his embrace.


* * * * *



Chapter End Notes:
Hope you guys liked the reveal. What did you think? Does it make things easier to understand or are you more confused about Spike now you know all his layers? What do you think of Buffy's reactions and did you guess any of it? TELL ME! I am dying to know!



You must login (register) to review.