[Reviews - 123]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 1933 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
I found a new job, but it’s very physical and I’m a little wimpy thing so its taking a lot out of me. Writing isn’t coming because I’m not in the right place, tired all the time and just wanna veg out on my days off, but it’s only temp work and ends at Christmas so I hope my muse returns after that. Please keep checking my twitter, http://twitter.com/#!/AngelelauraRae I write on there at least once a week to keep you updated, and if I don’t write on there for a couple of weeks you know I’ve dropped off the map, otherwise don’t presume I’ve abandoned this, I am writing all the time, but it’s a couple of paragraphs at a time because my brain can’t focus on anything more when I get home from work, and weekends are family/fiancé time so I don't get anything done then anymore.



She hadn’t been here since the day she left, but when she had left she’d memorised every step she’d taken, every turn, every street name, so she could find her way back. And it’d taken her 2 weeks to get here, a full 10minutes to work up the courage to step up to the door, to knock on the door had taken another 5, and longer still to realise he wasn’t in.

She took out the old student diary she had in her bag, ripped out a page from the centre and scribbled a note in the only thing she could find, her eyeliner. Pushing it under the door she took a deep breath and left just as easily as she had come, torn between being grateful she didn’t have to face him just yet, and sad over the weight she had on her shoulders still.

The police were looking for him, they’d come knocking on his door as soon as they had enough evidence to hold him for questioning. She didn’t know why they hadn’t already, but maybe they were waiting for something.

She walked away, down the steps, across the street. She felt no better for coming, because she still didn’t know if he would get the note and do what she asked. She hadn’t been in touch with him for weeks; if he was angry he might see her name at the end, throw it away and not even read the rest. And she couldn’t blame him for that.


* * * * *

Spike had been to a bar every night since Buffy had left. He would get so blind drunk that he could barely remember his own name and then he’d have a few more. In truth the alcohol didn’t affect him too much on the surface, he could walk in a straight line and he didn’t slur his words when he talked to the drunks either side of him, it was deeper down it did its work, exactly where he wanted it to. It made him numb, it made him forget about her, about how lonely his big house now seemed, how cold and drafty it was without her in it. It also made him forget about leaving, and that he still hadn’t.

He had his money; he’d paid off Angel’s father to leave the city and the “family.” Angel wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t care, he could have left anytime he wanted to, and still day after day he found himself drinking to forget everything, because he couldn’t face the thought that she’d left him, but that he still couldn’t leave her.

That night he came home the same as every night, at least he was the same; it was something else that had changed. He didn’t feel it when he first got in, or even when he went into the living room to sit down on his couch. In the end he didn’t sit, the couch hadn’t felt comfy in a while and so he stood to take his coat and shoes off.

Soon though he realised he hadn’t come home to a cold house, it seemed different and it didn’t feel as empty, because when he looked down there was something under his foot, stuck to the underneath of his shoe, the corner poking out.

He reached to pull it off and wipe away the dirt of his footprint. It was a diary page, from January, sectioned off into days, with dates at the top of each box and lines in between for writing. He looked it over and saw nothing special, so he turned it; there diagonally across the other side was a note in thick black.

“I need to see you. Meet me at the Bronze club tonight at 8. Love Buffy.”

Thumbing her name made the writing blur over the page. He crumpled the paper in his palm and sat down. The couch was slightly softer than he remembered and he sunk back into it to think.


* * * * *

Buffy was nervous, she couldn’t stop looking around, and she wasn’t just looking for Spike. It had crossed her mind more than once that the police might be following her. That if they knew she was harbouring feelings for the person who’d kidnapped her that they would think she might try and contact him again. She was worried, but she couldn’t see any other way to warn him; he hadn’t been there when she’d gone to his house, and she didn’t have his phone number to call him up and tell him what happened. Plus part of her had to see him, even if it was risky, she had to see him one last time before he left, because leaving was what she knew he had to do.

He couldn’t stay around and wait until the police had enough evidence to arrest him. The question stuck in her throat, the one she didn’t know if she had the courage to ask, was whether he’d take her with him. She didn’t know if he’d say yes and that made her afraid to say the words. She honestly didn’t know whether she would ask him, but the question was there in her thoughts nonetheless.

Some guy came over to her just then; he stunk of beer and was stumbling around, getting uncomfortably close. “You been stood up?”

His breath made her want to gag.

“No.” she said firmly, backing away as far as she could.

“You sure?” he asked, “Because you’ve been looking around for someone for half an hour, and no one seems to be coming. Sounds like being stood up to me?” He grinned disgustingly.

It was true, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t coming, she’d been here 20minutes early; he was only a little late.

“Look, I’m really not in the mood, so can you please leave me alone.” she asked.

“Hey, don’t be getting upset. I’m not the one who stood you up! I’m the one who’s willing to make you forget though.” He leaned forwards as if he was going to kiss her, Buffy shoved him a little, and he flew back a lot.

Confusion hit her, she wasn’t puny, but no way would her little shove have sent him that far, he was stunned from the force. Then she noticed a presence to her left, Spike walked in front of her.

“I think it’s about time you pissed off mate.” he said angrily.

Buffy felt her heart skip a beat, “You came.”

Spike turned to her, forgetting the man behind him, who took the opportunity to skulk off. He sighed, “Of course I did.” he said dejectedly. It was Buffy that had left him not the other way around; he was upset that she thought he wouldn’t show.

Buffy bit her lip, “I didn’t mean anything by that.” She wanted to explain that she wasn’t doubting his character, but just worried he was angry with her for leaving, or because she’d not been in touch before now. However she had enough explaining to do as it was.

She took a deep breath and moved back a step underneath the stairs. Somehow that made her feel like she was in a safe cocoon. It stopped her wanting to run, and because Spike was in front of her she didn’t have an escape root anyway.

“Why am I here?” he asked, trying to seem calm, still upset about seeing that guy coming on to her right in front of him.

“You sound like you didn’t want to see me.” she whispered.

It was almost a question and it broke through his resolve, she looked upset when she said it so he knew he had to answer.

“I did.” and he left it at that, unable to commit more.

There was silence for a long time, and neither of them looked each other in the eye.

“This is awkward.” she said suddenly, “I didn’t expect it to be like this.”

“Me neither.” he said, “It’s nice to see you, Buffy.” He hadn’t meant to say that, but it slipped out.

She smiled, “Well that makes up for the awkwardness a little.”

She came towards him, tentatively and uneasily placing her arms around him and she laid her head on his chest.

He hugged her back, relaxing into the embrace and for a moment forgot where they were; the music blaring, the people bustling past them. He felt in a quiet room alone with her, and over the smoke and the smell of people he could lean down and take in the fragrance of her hair, and he knew that he had missed her, and he hugged her harder.

It took all her strength to pull away, but she did. She had to tell him what she’d brought him here to tell him; she couldn’t wait another minute even though she wanted to. It felt wrong to lead him on; the guilt of what she’d done was too heavy a burden.

“Spike, I have something to tell you, and you’re going to hate me when I do.”

“Sounding a bit familiar, pet.” he said, but there was no humour in his voice, his tone was cautious. As much as he would have liked to think she just wanted to see him he’d known it was about something important, otherwise she wouldn’t have waited two weeks and then suddenly turned up on his doorstep.

“Its about the police, they’ve been hassling me ever since I left.” she confessed.

“Don’t worry about the bloody coppers, they’re none the wiser.” Spike replied.

Buffy hesitated for a long time, “That’s not true.”

Spike looked puzzled as she shook her head, he could see she was struggling with something, but he didn’t know what. “What is it, luv? Did they say something?”

It crushed her, the weight of that question. No, they hadn’t, she had. In the end she just blurted it out, “They know Spike, they know it was you.”

Spike’s face was like stone. “Are you sure?” he said evenly. Buffy looked panicked, maybe even more so by how calm he was being, but he had to make sure she wasn’t simply being paranoid before he reacted.

“I’m sure…because…I gave you away.”

Spike’s face pulled into something she’d never seen before. He almost shouted, but he didn’t want to attract attention, so his question came out like a quiet hiss, “What?!”

“I didn’t mean to!” she cried, “I didn’t say anything, but they knew.”

Spike’s demeanour changed immediately, “Shit, hey, hey.” he said reassuringly, pulling her close to him, but she stepped back.

“They had a hunch it was you and they said all this stuff about what you’d done, and that you didn’t really care about me so why was I protecting you, and they practically said I was crazy for pretending we cared about each other, and I started crying, and then they knew they were right...”

“Kitten, its okay.” he said, reaching out to her again, bringing her into him. She started sobbing, “Look, I’m not angry; I was just shocked at first, I didn’t mean to shout, or upset you. I should have known the cops would give you a hard time, you don’t have to explain anything to me.” He whispered the next part, “And for the record they weren’t right about everything.”

Buffy knew what he was talking about, “That’s the bit I never believed. It was real between us wasn’t it?”

He didn’t say anything, but he hugged her harder.

“I didn’t mean to give you up.” she said into his shoulder.

“Its okay.” he said rubbing her back.

Buffy pulled away suddenly, “How can you say that? What I did, I…” she trailed off, unable to even think about it.

“I knew this might happen one day, Buffy. It’s the reason I kept you locked away remember? When I let you go I had to prepare myself for this.”

“You thought I’d betray you?” she said miserably.

“No,” he said, “but I should have, if I was smart I should have thought about it.”

Buffy couldn’t deny that, she was saddened by it, but at the end of the day it was true, they hadn’t always trusted each other, and she didn’t even know if he should trust her now.

“Policemen have ways though,” he continued, “and I thought they might figure it out.”

“I’m so sorry.” she whispered.

“Please, stop.” he begged.

Tears were streaming down Buffy’s face freely now, she wiped them away with the sleeve of her jacket, but he still saw them coming.

“Shh,” he soothed cupping her face and moving into her again, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Buffy had been quiet for a while, but that snapped her out of her silence. “You need to leave, Spike, tonight. They’re just biding their time; they’ll come looking for you eventually. You need to get out of the state, out of the country!”

Spike was silent now, and it unnerved her. Leaving had always been his plan, but he said nothing when she suggested it.

“You’re still leaving, right? You have the money?”

“It’s not as simple as that, luv.” he said taking a step back.

“Of course it is! You stay and you get sent to prison, you leave and you don’t!”

“And what about you?”

That made her shut up.

Spike looked pained, almost angry, his jaw was clenched as he spoke to her, “I’m running off into the bloody sunset all alone, and I’m running the rest of my life, and I can never come back for you, or see you again.”

She swore there were tears in his eyes, but they were gone as soon as they appeared.

She didn’t know what to say, she wanted to be selfless. She wanted to tell him to go again, to push him towards safety, even if it meant she was alone. But then her heart wanted him to stay, and it broke at the thought of him leaving. This was the man she loved, talking about a future they couldn’t have together, and that was crushing, and she couldn’t be strong and selfless anymore, so she stayed quiet.

“Say something, Buffy,” he pleaded, “If not about that then about anything.”

Buffy thought about that for a long time, and then took the plunge. “They told me things,” she said carefully, “things you’d done, that they thought you’d done; to get me to give you up.”

He exhaled a deep breath as if he was smoking a cigarette, “They pull dirty tricks.”

“But you never told me about these things.” she asked, heart in her throat, “You said you’d done some things, for Angel’s dad, but you didn’t tell me about them.”

“What are you getting at, luv?” he asked gently.

“Did you?” she breathed, “Do the things they told me?”

The music was louder now, but he heard her perfectly, he stepped back away from her, unlike weeks before there was no hesitation when he told her the truth, “It depends what they told you.”

Buffy didn’t falter either, “At first I thought you might have.” She stepped forward to close the space again, “Afterwards I thought you couldn’t have, because if you had, and they knew you had they’d have arrested you, and it made me feel so awful for giving you up, but I couldn’t hold it in when I saw. They showed me photos, and true or not I didn’t want to believe what they were saying, and they knew, they saw me struggling with it and that’s how they knew.”

Spike put a hand up to hold her cheek and absentmindedly let the tips of his fingers run through her hair, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Buffy was talking breathlessly, “But did you?”

He sighed, but never took his hand away from her face, “Probably. I’ve done bad things Buffy, if you’re ever going to accept me, to love me; I want you to understand that before you make that choice.”

Buffy’s eyes squinted.

He thought this was it, she seemed to not grasp what he’d said and he was scared that meant that she’d never take him for what he truly was.

She brought up her own hand to his face, mirroring his affection, “Loving you isn’t a choice for me.” she said, “I just needed to know one way or the other.”

He wound an arm around her waist, gripping her tightly and stepped forwards; before he even knew it he was pushing her into the stairwell. His mouth was on hers hungrily, desperately moments later.

Buffy felt herself melt into him, and all the awkwardness slipped away, all the painful images in her head from the interrogation slipped away, all the bad things Spike had done, that she had done, and it seemed like no time had passed at all since their last week together, when everything had changed. It felt right to be here, with him, like this, and she held onto that.

Spike pulled away reluctantly, “I have to turn myself in Buffy. It’s the right thing to do.”

She grabbed his face with both hands, “No, Spike! Please run! If you won’t leave me behind then I’ll come with you.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t want it, Buffy. That kind of life, it’s not fair on you.”

“Please, Spike. Please.” she said suddenly crying, her hands grabbing and twisting the collar of his jacket on each side. “Just take me somewhere, and just be with me, and don’t let me go.”

He laid his forehead onto hers and stared into her eyes. He knew she meant now, this moment, because she was tired of fighting him over tomorrow. Take her somewhere and make love to her, show her what they had together, and he almost didn’t want to, because he knew whether she was thinking of the future now or not it would come up again. She’d try to convince him to go with her, and he didn’t know what he would say the next time, it was so hard to say no to that. Even if she didn’t ask he didn’t know if he could do it, take her to bed and then leave her.

His heart surrendered moments later. It wasn’t fair to give her false hope, but he had to have this night with her, to remember the better man that he was trying to be, because it was her that made him want to be better. It was her love that made him want to set things right, even if she hated him because of it. He just hoped he could make her understand why he was doing this.

They walked to a motel and booked a room for the night, his house was too far away and so was her flat, they didn’t speak about it but time was of the essence.

Buffy went to open the door, but she could feel his impatient breath on her neck and it made her fumble. When they were inside he kicked the door behind him, and before it was even shut to he was kissing her again.

Her fingers felt numb as they tried to work him out of his jacket, and she didn’t even realise she’d succeeded until she heard the dull thud it made when it hit the floor behind him.

He slipped hers off soon after and then his hands came to hold her shoulders and although he kept kissing her a second longer, she knew he was preparing her for him to pull away. Because of his grip he easily kept her at a distance when he did.

He did nothing except stare at her a while, but he looked so serious that she didn’t feel like she could ask him what he was doing. He reached out eventually and touched her, just gently on her face, but it felt all the more powerful because of the build up. He pulled a piece of hair from behind her ear, twirled it between his fingers and then let it fall.

His eyes searched hers for something as he took a step forward, and a knot clenched in Buffy’s stomach. He slid his hand boldly underneath her shirt at the bottom, and stroked the skin just above hip. She fought back a shiver as his other hand started undoing the buttons in front and his mouth latched onto her neck.

Her hand came up and wound through the hair on the back of his head for support, because as he started walking her backwards he leant over her and she felt as if she was going to fall.

That was his intention of course and when she finally untensed her body and succumbed to everything she fell back onto the bed with him on top of her. He’d undone all the buttons of her shirt now, and he rolled away and smoothed the sides of it apart, ghosting his fingers over her stomach and ribs as he did so. He watched her give in to her shivers this time under his touch and he placed a kiss on her stomach.

Her breathing became heavy as he took another minute to stare at her and take everything in before moving on top of her again and pressing himself into her.

“You’re so beautiful.” he whispered in awe, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.” she said arching into him and pulling his head down to her chest.

He kissed the skin between her breasts and moved up slowly towards her collar bone, then he turned his head and kissed up her neck before breaking away.

He moved to face her directly, “Sometimes I thought I’d never see you again.” he said, almost as if it was still a worry.

Buffy couldn’t think what to say to that. She couldn’t honestly tell him she would have come back to him if she hadn’t needed to tell him about the police, because she didn’t know for certain. She knew she wanted to be with him though, in every way. So she kissed him, to silence everything.

And they made love, but it was different than all the times before. They weren’t coming together for the first time in uncertainty or getting lost in the moment and pretending, this was real and hurried and precious and as if they were never going to see each other again.

Buffy pushed that thought away with all her energy, because this wasn’t the time to worry about what Spike had said; she knew she could talk him out of handing himself in; they could run away together; he wouldn’t abandon her like that. She tried to fight that thought, but it kept winning over. The truth was all around them, in the way they moved together, in the way they memorised every part of each other. It was in the way he looked at her, and that was the worst thing of all.

It was as if he was a satellite that didn’t believe she had the power to make him stay grounded, and the fact was through everything she told herself, she could feel that thing, whatever it was that was pulling at him and he was right, it felt stronger than her. If she could only have tonight and tomorrow she knew she could convince him to leave with her. She held him tight to reassure herself that he was still there at least for now, and even after, when they were spent and she could hardly breathe, because the space between them was so hot and the air so thick, she still pulled him closer.

He got the message and he wrapped her up in his arms, his chest moving up and down agitatedly with the strain of trying to steady his breathing, and she fell asleep there.

Spike never slept though, he laid there for hours watching her, and then when it became too much he rolled her away, got out of the bed they’d shared and got dressed. It was still dark outside, so it was obviously before dawn, but that’s all he knew. He snuck out of the room to see if there was anyone at reception, he needed to borrow a few things, and satisfied with what he found he snuck right back in a few minutes later. He laid something on the pillow for her to wake up to and stood there a moment.

Spike looked down at her, lying there on the bed. He turned around to leave and had to shut his eyes tight. He felt an ache in his chest, but he had to push through it. This was the right thing to do, for him, for her, for everyone involved. He would never forgive himself, but he had to do it.


* * * * *

Buffy woke up when the light streamed through the windows, it had been warming her skin, but as it got brighter it also pulled her away from sleep. She rolled around to snuggle closer to Spike, smiling before she’d even reached him, just happy to wake up and have him there.

And then he wasn’t.

She reached for the pillow where his head should have been, and instead there was an envelope; she grabbed it and sat up, brushing her hair away from her face she opened it. Inside was a short letter written on the motel note paper she’d seen at the reception desk when they’d checked in.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and read what he’d left behind.

“Buffy,

I know you want to run away with me, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you would risk everything to do that. But I couldn’t bare you giving anything up for me.

I know you’ll hate me for this, but I had to turn myself in, and I couldn’t let you talk me out of it, because one more morning with you and you would have. I know you accept me now for who I am, but I don’t. I need to set something right in my life, or I’ll always be looking over my shoulder, and I’ll always think I don’t deserve you. I need to try and be a better person in my actions not just my thoughts. Like you told me, running away doesn’t solve anything.

I understand if you don’t want to speak to me, and even if you get over being angry at me I understand if you don’t want to wait for me. I just need to pay my debts, and I don’t want you to have to pay them too.

I love you.

Spike.”

Buffy felt all the air leave the room.


* * * * *



Chapter End Notes:
I hope it was worth the wait, the story is going to change from now on, there will be less full on Spuffy. Spike makes his big decision and next Chapter you’ll see what the consequences are for both of them!



You must login (register) to review.