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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys, hope you’re still with the story, had a very busy week, for a bit of it I was out of town staying with my boyfriend then I had loads of jobhunt related stuff to do, argh! Anyway here it is and I’m hoping the end of the Chapter will make up for everything :)



Spike came home much later, he was exhausted, but he’d had time to calm down and that’s all that mattered to him. He didn’t know why but he lost his cool around Buffy more than he was used to. He preferred it at times like this when he could manage to get his feelings fully under control.

As he strode up the stairs planning to go straight to bed he heard something. He realised as soon as he reached the landing what it was, and although he knew instantly what he was going to do about it, he still hesitated for a moment. He could hear Buffy, and she was crying, in fact she was sobbing to be more accurate. It sounded quiet, gentle, but he knew that was mainly because of the distance between them, and when he went up those second set of stairs and opened her door like he knew he had to, those cries wouldn’t be so quiet anymore.

She was really upset; he could tell she wasn’t faking. The sobs were harsh, but they weren’t attention drawing or theatrical. He could imagine how they were probably making her whole body shake as she tried to smother them. He didn’t know this girl by any means, but he didn’t think she was the type to fake anything in order to get attention or pity, he doubted she even knew that he was home.

With that thought crossing his mind he briefly considered continuing with his original plan to go to bed, she would never know he’d ignored her. But it was hopeless; he knew immediately that that wasn’t an option. It wasn’t about whether she knew he would come and comfort her or not, it was about the fact that he wanted to. No matter how he tried to keep his cool he knew one thing; he was falling for this girl.

Not in a clichéd affectionate way, he told himself. It was just that he was drawn to her, unable to distance himself even though he needed to. No matter what the circumstances he couldn’t help but feel something for her. He didn’t know what it was; he tried to tell himself it was only sympathy. He did worried about her, but wouldn’t any normal person?

Granted, any normal person wouldn’t have kidnapped her and locked her away against her will, but even if he wasn’t normal he refused to believe he was a monster. He couldn’t see her every day, see the pain she was going through, and not care. There was nothing he could do about it, he valued himself and his future over her, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t sorry about it, and it didn’t mean he didn’t care. He had feelings; somewhere buried deep he did.

Whatever the explanation he knew he was going up there, to check on her, whether she wanted him there or not he had to go. He couldn’t stop himself, and he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if he didn’t. He took the stairs carefully even though a part of him wanted to run he kept a slow pace so that his footsteps didn’t startle her.

“Buffy?” he croaked carefully as he got closed and unlocked the door to her room, but he heard no answer, “Buffy, pet you okay?” he asked stepping inside without even thinking about checking the peephole as usual.

He came around the door and just as he thought it would the crying got louder now there were fewer barriers between them, but it was still muffled slightly and he still couldn’t see her. The noise was coming out of the bathroom he realised, and he noticed immediately the door was shut. He crossed the room, a million thoughts running through his head, but the need to find out what was wrong with her was at the forefront of his mind.

He slowed down as he found himself in front of her ensuite, he decided he should take a breath, and with his heart in his throat he tapped gently on the door with the back of his hand, and asked to come in. She didn’t open the door, and her sobs didn’t falter, so Spike closed his eyes and opened the door himself, not looking forward to what he would find.

She was a mess, Buffy knew she was, she just couldn’t help it, and she sure as hell couldn’t stop it. She wasn’t sobbing loudly, or uncontrollably, but her tears were relentless and she felt as if she was shaking from the inside out, although she wasn’t moving a muscle.

“Is this about earlier?” Spike asked as he entered, “I’m sorry pet. It was a really bad idea…” he paused when he finally got a good look at her. She wasn’t looking at him or anything in particular, her detached expression scared him and he knew instantly that she wasn’t crying about the birthday fiasco, there was something really wrong with her.

He knelt down straight away and without thinking about keeping his distance or her personal space he brushed away the stray hair that had fallen over her left eye and swept it behind her ear.

“Spike?” she said turning to him.

“What happened?” he asked in confusion.

Buffy suddenly came back to herself, the present, the room she was in. Finally she was aware that it was really Spike here with her now and no one else. Suddenly her mind was bombarded with voices, opinions, worries, as she tried to decide what to do. Should she tell him what happened? Should she tell him anything at all?

Maybe he could make sure it wouldn’t happen again, maybe Spike would fight her corner? But she was still confused why earlier in her moment of need she’d thought so much of him. He was her kidnapper, how long was it going to take for her to think of him that way again? He wasn’t her rescuer and he didn’t want to help her; he wanted rid of her, so surely the more likely scenario would be that if he knew she’d seen that other man’s face he’d try and pass her off on him, say she wasn’t just his problem anymore. She didn’t know what frightened her more, staying here and never knowing if she’d be safe, or being given to that man, and knowing exactly what awaited her.

“Pet?” Spike pressed, hurrying her thoughts.

“The man,” she began quietly, “from the bank?...The man who shot the bank manager?”

“Angel?” Spike asked without thinking.

“Angel.” she echoed, repeating the name to herself as she remembered his needy touches.

She shivered.

“What about him?” Spike pushed, suddenly confused and wondering when she’d finally explain what was wrong. His heart ached to help her and he didn’t like the feeling, or the helplessness he was experiencing in the meantime.

“Who is he?”

Spike sighed regretfully, wishing he could give her whatever she wanted, even if he didn’t know why she wanted it, “I can’t tell you that, pet…You know I can’t.”

“You’re protecting him?” she asked without judgement. It wasn’t an assumption, it was a genuine question and she wanted a genuine answer.

“I’m protecting us all.” he explained, avoiding agreeing with her. He didn’t want to admit he was doing Angel a favour by not divulging more about him, but it was a necessary evil in order to keep them all safe. They were all known associates and the police could easily follow one of them to the others.

Buffy didn’t fail to notice how he’d dodged her question; she picked up on his unwillingness to group himself with Angel. “So you’re not his friend?” she pried.

“No.” he sighed again.

Buffy dwelled on that. The voices in her head were getting louder, confusing her. Did that mean he wouldn’t give her to Angel if he knew? Or would it mean he’d be more likely to give her away, knowing how much of a pain she was to look after, maybe wanting to annoy Angel at her expense.

Her mind hurt, she’d been crying all day and her nerves were ready to snap, the effort to stop them was putting her under enormous strain.

“Then why were you there with him?” she asked.

Spike seemed dumbfounded by her question at first, but she glared at him suddenly, waiting for an answer.

“I…” he stuttered, “It had nothing to do with him.”

She laughed bitterly, “Liar.” Just like that all the compassion she’d felt while she worried about him in the storm earlier was gone. She felt nothing for him but hate; finally she felt pure hatred for him, because he’d brought her here, and by doing so he’d brought that monster into her life. “I bet he’s your buddy, your best pal,” she continued, “bet you do everything together. All sorts of seedy, disgusting things.” Her mind replayed Angel’s words; Ask him, about all the things we’ve done together; about all the people we’ve hurt; about all the blood on his hands.

“Buffy the only reason I did that job was for the money.” Spike defended, “I didn’t do it because I wanted to, and I didn’t do it for Angel, I have no loyalty to him. I was there because I want to start a new life, and it’s all I know. I needed money to get away from people like him. All my life I’ve…”

“Spare me the sob story.” she said cutting him off.

Spike’s jaw twitched as he fought down the demon inside him.

She didn’t believe he was good, that he wanted to be good, she wouldn’t let herself. He was lying, he had to be. “I think you should go, Spike.” she said softly, trying not to sound frustrated. She didn’t want to make a scene or start a fight with him, knowing now how his temper could flare dramatically even when he seemed at his calmest. “Just go.” she asked quietly.

He stared at her for a long time, he could see legitimate hurt in her eyes, so he tried not to let his anger take over this time. “If that’s what you want, kitten.” he said getting up and shutting the bathroom door behind him. Buffy’s head fell onto her knees, and she soaked her jeans through with her tears.

* * * * *

Spike didn’t come to see her all the next day, not even to bring her food. She didn’t hear him leave, but wondered if he’d gone out before she woke up, because she didn’t hear any noise coming from the rest of the house all day, and when she called out for him no one answered.

As the day dragged on Buffy found that not only was she becoming beyond hungry, but she was bored. Again she found the idea that Spike was her only solace inescapable, because in his absence she had nothing.

Faced with being alone she fell asleep early in the evening, but when she woke the next day it was because he was knocking lightly on her door. She sat up in bed and he came in a moment later, too ashamed to meet her eyes properly at first.

Huffing Buffy threw the covers off herself and shuffled to sit on the end of the bed, for once too mad at him to let the fact that he was shirtless bother her. Sometimes if he’d just gotten out of bed or was just ready to get into bed he came to her in just his sweatpants. Normally that made it impossible to be mad at him; as if his charm seeped out from his personality and into his rock hard abs. Buffy was still a woman, she allowed herself a quick glance at him, but today she was too far gone to let his body sway her.

She waited for him to speak, because she had no idea what to say. She waited thinking maybe he would explain himself, but he didn’t, so she had to take the first step.

“Where have you been?” she asked sharply.

“I had to go see a friend.”

She turned and locked eyes with him, “Who?”

“I can’t tell you who.” he said not breaking eye contact with her, suddenly no longer afraid.

“Why?” she asked.

“I needed some advice.”

“About me?”

“About stuff.” His expression seemed to ask her if that was enough of an answer, but hers told him no.

“Look, just keep out of my business, and I’ll keep out of yours.” he said frustrated.

Buffy laughed, “What business do I have? I’m a prisoner. I have no one to talk to; I can’t even remember the last time I went outside…and oh yeah, as of yesterday I’m being starved!”

Spike winced, and his voice softened, “I’m sorry about that, kitten.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough!” she snapped.

“Well sorry’s all I’ve got!” he yelled suddenly.

Buffy froze as she usually did when he raised his voice that loud.

Spike continued almost snarling, “I have other things on my mind you know, luv. I’m sorry your stomach started rumbling, but I’m trying to sort my life out here!”

Buffy felt defeated; for a second she no longer wanted to argue, she just wanted this to be over. He saw it in her eyes and took a few strained breaths to calm himself.

“We can’t go on like this, Spike.” she sighed out after a while.

“I know.” he said, mirroring her tone as he stepped further in and finally shut the door behind him. “I think maybe if you just tried to see things from my point of view...”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

“Like you said, we can’t go on like this. Things need to change.” he explained.

“Things need to stop!” Buffy shouted, rising from the bed as the fight in her built up once more, “I meant we can’t go on like this, Spike.” she said gesturing to the room around them, “You have to stop pretending this solves anything, you have to stop keeping me here! You have to let me go! Its time this stopped! Its time it all stopped!”

“Buffy, you don’t get it. I can’t just let you go. It isn’t that simple.”

“Make it that simple!” she cried in frustration.

He stepped further inside and took another harsh breath through his teeth as he fought to keep his control, “Buffy, you need to look at it from my perspective…”

“I don’t want to look at it from your perspective. You’ve kidnapped me! Why the hell would I care about you? If you don’t have the balls to kill me, then just get over yourself and let me go!”

“Get over myself?” he repeated incredulously, “If I let you go I’ll go to jail, Buffy. You do realise that right?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know people that robbed banks went to jail. That doesn’t seem fair.” Buffy replied sarcastically, but not maliciously.

“Come on…” Spike begged for a little latitude.

“No I misunderstood.” she butted in, “I don’t want you to go to jail,” she said straight-faced, “so I’ll stay.”

“Really?”

“Hell no!” she shouted.

“You’re a selfish spoiled little brat.” Spike snapped.

Buffy stilled, hurt etched all over her beautiful face, but Spike was fed up with being brought to his knees by that look. He was fed up of her Princess routine.

“Yeah, that got your attention huh?” he said furiously. “I could talk until I’m blue in the face about my problems and you wouldn’t listen, but insult your pretty little arse for one second and suddenly you’re all ears. You don’t think of anyone but yourself!”

Buffy bit her lip hard to keep from screaming. When he’d finished she took a deep breath and started calmly, “I’m not listening to you because I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe you anything.”

“Buffy…”

“No!” she said, tired of his assumptions. “I’m not selfish, don’t you dare say I’m selfish! I gave the first 18 years of my life up for someone else! And now I only have myself to think about. Right now I’m allowed to think about me, when it’s me that’s being kept here against my will!

“Buffy…” he tried to interject again.

“You know who’s the selfish one?!” she said, “You! You’ve never been told what’s right and wrong, never respected anyone, especially the law. You think you can do whatever you want; screw over whoever you want!”

Spike suddenly held his hands up in desperation, “I don’t want to rot in jail, why can’t you understand that?”

“I do understand that, I just don’t care!” she screamed.

“Yes you do!”

Buffy was taken aback, she gasped. Her heart stopped a little. Had he found her out?

“I…” Spike scrambled over his words, unfortunately he stumbled long enough for her to escape into the bathroom and slam the door shut behind her.

“Shit.” he said under his breath.

* * * * *

Buffy was sat there, on the edge of the bath, willing herself to pull it together.

Did he know her feelings for him? Had he always known? Or had he just called her bluff back there?

He was a man, and they weren’t known for being the most perceptive when it came to how women felt, so there was a chance he was still in the dark. After all she didn’t even know what her feelings were for him, so how could he?

She hoped whatever the case that he’d let it go. It wouldn’t make things any easier if they acknowledged it, so maybe he’d pretend, for her. Maybe she could go out there and he would change the subject back, but then of course going back into that was almost as uncomfortable a prospect.

Buffy had been hurt by him jumping to conclusions, acting as if he knew everything about her from what he saw on the surface alone, what he’d seen in the past few weeks. But hadn’t she done the same?

She pulled the hair back from her face, raking her hands through it. Sighing she got up and stepped towards the door; she took another deep breath and gently pushed. He was still stood in the middle of her room; if he’d moved at all it was a few tentative steps closer, but nothing too noticeable.

For a while she said nothing, but when she dragged her gaze up to his face she saw the worry in his eyes.

“Spike, I’m…”

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly interrupting her.

Buffy said nothing, hoping he would continue. She knew that they both had things to be sorry for, but she wanted to hear what he had to say before she made her own apologises.

“I shouldn’t have said you were spoiled, or selfish. I obviously don’t know you...” He paused; he wanted to ask her what she’d meant when she’d said she’d given up her life for another person, but he knew it wasn’t his place to pry, and he also wanted an end to this conversation, fast. He continued reluctantly, “But I can’t let you go, Buffy.”

Buffy walked towards him and when she stopped close by he looked away.

“I’m scared, luv. I don’t want to go to jail.” Spike’s eyes were glued to the floor, “I know I should let you go, but I’m not ready to spend my life in a prison cell. I don’t want to go to jail, and I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”

Buffy was surprised he’d admitted that to her, she was almost relieved. “I could promise I wouldn’t tell anyone.” she suggested almost as a joke.

Spike laughed bitterly, “And I wouldn’t believe that, even if I wanted to.”

Buffy sighed, “Spike, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” he begged, his nerves on edge, “Please don’t say anything else.”

“But it’s true. I don’t want to be sorry, but I am.” She stepped even closer, so that they were right in front of each other, moved by his sudden vulnerability she now didn’t feel uncomfortable being so near to him. “I’m sorry I said those things. They might be true, but I don’t have a right to say them, because I don’t know you either.”

For the first time in a while Spike looked up at her, his face looked pained as if he was really desperate for her to shut up now.

Buffy knew she had to continue, she could sense he was getting ready to stop her so she had to get it all out, “What I do know is that you have to let me go…You have to Spike, because…”

Before she could finish her sentence she felt pressure on her mouth, and it took a few seconds to register that Spike had forced her silence, and a few more to register that the pressure keeping her quiet was actually from his lips.


* * * * *



Chapter End Notes:
It’s cruel, but I love leaving Chapters on small cliffhanger endings, even with something so simple as a kiss! Anyway, so what do you guys think about Buffy not telling Spike about Angel? Don’t be disappointed, I just have a plan, I promise that even though it takes a while, the truth will come out and Spike’s reaction will hopefully satisfy all of those of you who have been wondering about it :)



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