“You’re covered in his scent.”
There was an edge to Angel’s voice that made Buffy falter in her step. Like a phantom, he emerged from the shadows of a derelict tomb, and erring on the side of caution, the Slayer halted at a safe distance, resting her arms at her side. If Angel wanted to try something stupid she’d be ready for him—whether he’d be ready for her was a different matter. His eyes hardened as he swept his gaze over her duster-covered body, and Buffy struggled to hide her discomfort at the obtrusive act.
“Okay,” she said, watching him warily. “Just for the record—the whole vamp smelling thing, really gives me the wiggins.”
Angel didn’t even blink. “Have you—”
“Don’t!” Irritated by his attitude, Buffy’s defences were running at an all-time high. She tightened her stance, swallowing hard in an effort to clear the sudden lump in her throat. “I’m not going to answer that question, because quite frankly, your continued interest in my personal life is beyond creepy. I’m capable of making my own choices, Angel. And if that choice happens to involve Spike—that’s your business, how?”
“He can’t love you without a soul, Buffy.”
“No, Angel. You couldn’t love me without the soul; Spike is more than capable of it.” She took a deep breath, hoping to calm her erratic heart rate. “I’m through being told what to think by you and the Council. The truth is you didn’t love me enough to stick around—to fight for us when things got tough. Well you know what? Soulless he may be, but Spike can love. He loved Drusilla—loved her for over a century—you can’t even try to deny that.”
“Buffy—”
“You can’t keep doing this, Angel. In case you’ve forgotten, you walked out of my life, and you lost any say in how I live it the moment you did. You can’t keep coming back and interfering whenever I do something you don’t approve of!”
Indignant, Angel threw his arms into the air as he stalked forward. “That’s not what this is about,” he replied, intruding into her personal space. “I’m not just going to stand by and watch you get hurt!”
Well, that’ll be a first, Mr. Bearer-of-cryptic-doom.
Folding her arms defensively, Buffy straightened her back and refused to back down from his looming presence. “Oh, please,” she said, proud of the evenness in her voice despite the quivering in her limbs. “The only reason you’re here is because you're jealous.”
Angel baulked. “That’s not true. Jealousy has nothing to do with this, and you know it. Spike is dangerous, Buffy. You’re vulnerable right now and he’s twisting your mind—putting ideas in your head. I’m only looking out for you here.”
“I don’t need you to look out for me, Angel. Why are you not getting this?”
Good Lord, it’s like talking to a brick wall.
Buffy knew that things were of the wacky if she was channelling her inner-Giles. Had it always been like this? They say that time views the past with rose-tinted glasses—and yes, Buffy knew she’d loved him once—but she was becoming increasingly certain that the owner of her teenage heart was as undeserving of her affections as the two men that followed.
“I swear to God, Angel, if you start with the ‘it’s for my own good’ speech…” Buffy’s words ended on a sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose, hoping to avert the headache that was beginning to pulse behind her eyes. “How many times do I have to say it?”
Glowering, Angel folded his arms across his chest. “Until I believe it.”
His eyes smouldered with fierce intensity, and Buffy froze at the sheer conviction in his voice. “I don’t owe you anything, Angel. Spike is—”
“Believe me,” Angel’s eyes narrowed to slits, as he spat the words with such force that the Slayer felt a sliver of fear race up her spine, “I’m perfectly aware of what Spike is!” Instinctively, Buffy’s thoughts leapt to the stake in her boot as Angel began to pace, seemingly ignorant of the potential threat to his undead status. “He’s soulless and—how did this even happen?” He turned to face her, his cool composure long since replaced by a mask of confusion. “This isn’t what I wanted for you. You were supposed to find a normal guy.”
“And to hell with what I want, huh? Newsflash, Angel. I’m not normal. I will never be normal. I gave it a shot and do you know what I found?”
“What?”
“Normal isn’t enough for me. I was fooling myself with Riley, and the worst part?—I knew it right from the start. That normal life you’re so fond of... it doesn’t exist. Demons, bloodshed, stopping the next whack job who tries to jump-start an apocalypse—that is my normality... and nothing I can do will ever change that.”
Angel’s gaze fell to the ground. “Why him?” he asked after a long beat. “I can understand why you fell for me but—”
“Oh my God!” Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “Arrogant much?”
“I won't lose you to him.”
Buffy’s patience was wearing thin, and she couldn’t help thinking they were going around in circles. Maybe Spike’s not-so-subtle approach was worth considering after all. “You didn't lose me, Angel,” she replied after a calming breath. “You abandoned me. Spike didn't. He stuck by my side and never gave up. Even though I’ve been a total bitch to him, he’s been there for me and Dawn.”
With each word out of her mouth, Angel could feel his long-held aspirations slipping further out of his grasp. Buffy was carrying herself with a newfound confidence—a determination that he’d rarely glimpsed in the past—and Angel flinched at the certainty behind each accusation. Given time, maybe he could accept that his destiny wasn’t as foregone as he’d believed. Maybe he could accept that their lives were indeed fated for two separate paths—but he’d be damned all over again if he let Buffy’s journey end at Spike’s door.
“This is just a game to him,” Angel said, stepping forward so that Buffy had to crane her neck to look at him. “He’s playing with your emotions—taking advantage of your weaknesses. Clearly he’s good at it if you’ve developed... an attachment... but don’t kid yourself that it’s anything more than a ploy to drag you down to his level.”
Okay. Be kind. Rewind.
Was that acceptance in his eyes? Was Angel finally grasping the fact that her feelings were real? Buffy supposed it was a start... even if he did think she was of the massively confused and brainwashed. Stealing herself for the potential return of caveman vamp, the Slayer clenched her fists and met his stormy gaze.
“I’m not weak, Angel... not anymore.” Her breaths were coming in rapid bursts, and it was all she could do not to walk away and leave him to his delusions. “If anything, Spike makes me feel strong. He helps me. He listens to me. He holds me when it all becomes too much... and do you know what? He makes me feel alive.” Buffy paused just long enough to let her words settle between them. “And that’s something that nobody else was able to do.”
Angel frowned as she backed away, obviously uncomfortable with his close proximity. “You could have come to me,” he whispered. “If you’d let me help you, I could have—”
“It wouldn’t have been the same.” Shaking her head, Buffy stopped pacing and turned towards him. “I’m not the same girl you knew, Angel. I’ve grown up—I had to. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but you need to take me down off that pedestal. I’m not perfect... nobody is.”
Whether it was deliberate, or purely subconscious, Angel didn’t miss Buffy’s sideways glance towards the crypt with those last whispered words. “What if his chip stops working?” he asked. “Have you thought of that?” Angel’s gaze was fixed on the home of his pain-in-the-ass grandchilde, and once again missed the dangerous glint in the young woman’s eyes. “One day Spike will get bored of behaving himself. He’ll turn on you without a second thought. What happens then, Buffy?”
“Well, for one thing I doubt the good folks of Sunnydale will need to lock up their goldfish.” The retort was through her lips before she knew it. “I’m sure the local pet shops will breathe a huge sigh of relief.”
“I’m serious!” If the furrowed forehead didn’t underline his complete lack of fun-having, the puppy dog eyes sure did. “He's not good for you. He’ll only hurt you in the long run.”
Hello, pot. Meet, Kettle.
Buffy was furious. She’d spent far too much time justifying herself today, and she was damned sick of having her relationship judged by people with no business casting stones. “Why are you still under the delusion that I need to be protected?” she asked, crossing her arms and standing at her full not-so-intimidating height. “Seriously, Angel, what gives you the right to question my decisions?”
Sighing, Angel ran his hand over his hair as his frustration simmered to melting point. “Buffy, you don't know the things Spike’s done—what’s he’s capable of... I’ve seen it. Hell, I've lived it.”
“Yeah?” Buffy raised an eyebrow. “And where did he learn it, huh? You taught him how to be a vampire, Angel. You moulded him to your image—tried to make him just like you... Well it didn’t work.” She released a shuddering breath then tilted her head back to watch the starlit panorama above. “Don't you think I've asked myself the same questions?” she said, never once lowering her gaze. “Sure, the chip stops him from hurting humans, but so what? Spike’s not stupid. If he really wanted to, he’d have found a way around it. If he wanted his meals fresh from the tap, he could have left with Drusilla. But no—he stayed. He protected me and Dawn when he didn’t have to. He withstood torture to keep our secret. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
As her voice began to crack under the raw strain of emotion, Buffy turned to face him with a look of sheer determination on her features. “You only see things the way you want to see them,” she whispered. “It’s not just about the chip, Angel. Spike’s changed. He changed for me… maybe you couldn’t, but he did.” Tears sprang to her eyes as a rueful smile formed on her lips. “I didn’t want to admit it. I tried to ignore him—pretend he was just another vampire—but it’s true. Spike’s different. I should have realized it the minute he came to me for help against you and your stupid rock.”
Angel’s eyes flashed to feral amber. “You can’t be serious?” he said, nostrils flaring as his lips curled into a sneer. “If I didn’t know first-hand of Spike’s limitations I’d say he had you under a thrall.”
“And I’d be forced to say that you’re as clueless as Xander!” Buffy replied heatedly. They stood rooted to the spot, gazes locked, as both refused to back down. After countless seconds, the tense silence was broken by a howling gust of wind, and Buffy used the opportunity to step back and perform a cursory sweep of her surroundings. “Were you always this much of a control freak, or was I just too blinded to see it?”
“I helped you.”
“No, you told me what to do. That’s not the same thing.” Buffy took a deep breath as she attempted to rein in her disorderly emotions. “You were all about the cryptic messages, and doing things for my own good. You never asked my opinion, or listened to what I wanted.”
Angel scoffed. “And you think Spike does?”
"I know he does.”
“Buffy—”
“You know what?” Enough was enough, and the Slayer had better places to be. “For someone who has so much to say, you don’t have anything I want to hear. Spike may not be perfect, but neither am I, and he loves me anyway...” Buffy could almost feel that pedestal toppling beneath her as she uttered the final death knoll to Angel’s misguided dreams, “...and I love him too.”
With a ferocious roar, Angel morphed into his demonic facade and turned towards the crypt. “I'll kill him,” he snarled around glinting fangs, only to find himself spun around by the arm when he attempted to move towards the shadowy residence. Stunned, he shook off his game face and stared down at the petite blonde blocking his path, her stake poised in mid-air.
“Don’t even think about hurting him,” Buffy said in a deadly whisper. “I've killed you before, Angel, and I loved you at the time. If you harm Spike in any way, I won’t think twice about doing it again.”
It was clear by her tone that she was serious, and Angel brought his hands up as he slowly backed away. “The things you’re saying... the way you’re acting...” He trailed off, shaking his head in resigned acceptance. “You’re not the Buffy I fell in love with.”
“No, I’m not,” she replied. “The Buffy you fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore. She grew up, and you’re in love with the naïve little girl you still think I am.” Gathering her resolve, Buffy lowered her stake, refusing to be swayed by the anguish in his eyes. “You don’t know the real me, Angel. I'm bitchy and hormonal, completely neurotic, and impossible to live with… but you know what? That’s just me… and Spike loves me for it.”
Angel’s lips pressed into a tight line. “You’re right,” he said, his voice cold and detached. “I don’t know you anymore.”
“I don’t think you ever did.” Buffy heaved a heavy sigh, and offered him a conciliatory smile. “Look, if there’s an apocalypse, pick up the phone, otherwise we’re done here. There’s too much history between the three of us, and you showing up unannounced doesn’t help anybody. I love Spike, and I’m not gonna hurt him anymore... I’m done with that.”
Buffy’s hands fell to the small of her back, and her brow furrowed as she felt an irregular protrusion pressing through the soft leather of the duster. Suddenly remembering Willow’s spell, she removed the silver necklace from the pocket of her skirt, giving it one last thoughtful look before tossing it in Angel’s direction. “Catch.”
His hand shot out, deftly catching it by the chain and avoiding the decorative cross. “This was a gift,” he whispered. “I want you to have it—to keep you safe.”
A telling smile lit up Buffy’s face as she glanced back over her shoulder. “I won’t need it anymore,” she said, holding her hand up to silence the reply that danced on her ex’s lips. “Goodbye, Angel.” Without another word the vampire turned, disappearing into the night from whence he came, and Buffy felt almost giddy as she made her way back to the crypt, and the man she loved.
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Chapter End Notes:
Well, did you all have a good holiday? There are five chapters left to go and I really need to get it posted because I’ve gotten into the annoying habit of rereading and changing stuff, as can be seen by the slightly revamped version of In Death, Love Prevails (No pun intended) But on the plus side, the loose ends in this fic are mostly tied up, so I guess it’s time for Buffy to bar that door shut and go get her vamp…