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Chapter 9: Savior

"When I came back this is how I saw the world," Buffy says softly and Spike listens intently as they stand in the strange slanted slate-grey room, the unsteady room that seems to sway and move making the vampire uneasy. "Everything was dark and cold and… and sometimes I didn't see a point in going on anymore." Her eyes meet his and she can see in his pained blue orbs that he feels the same about life. "I get it Spike, I get what it feels like to hate yourself, to really hate yourself… maybe not for the same reasons, but I do get it… I hated myself for hating my friends, for not being thankful even when I felt... I hated myself for not wanting to be alive."

"So what, you gonna tell me that it gets better, jus' gotta give it some time, don' think so pet. I lived a lot of selfish years, lived for me, an' if I can do any real good in this world the best thing I can think to do is to take myself out of it." Buffy shakes her head and takes a step closer to him.

"Then don't live for you… live for me," she says her eyes searching his. "You may think you're ready to burn for all you've done, but… but I'm not ready for you to not be here." Spike pauses; if his heat sill beat it would have skipped.

"What are you sayin?" His words are cautious.

"I'm saying… I'm saying that when my world was dark and grey you were the one thing that made it bearable… you were the only person I could be around that didn't make me feel so... I didn't have to pretend to be okay around you, I didn't have to… hate around you... and yes, with time eventually it does get better, eventually I could love my friends again." Buffy takes another step closer to Spike and now looks up at him with wide caring eyes. "At first though, it was just you. You saved me from this Spike, and when I was with you I felt alive again." Around them the room begins to warm, color slowly starts to seep into the walls. "When I felt like I had nothing left to live for, nothing that could make me feel anything, you showed me that… that I was wrong, and you're wrong too Spike… you think there's nothing left for you, nothing you can do to make anything better, and maybe you can't fix the past, but you can do a lot of good now." She grabs his hand. The mantle of the fireplace and the painting above it straighten. "You can't do anything about who you were, especially not by dying... but who you are, the man you've been becoming… that man is a good man." As he looks into her eyes she can see that he believes her. With sadness in his eyes and a slight frown across his face Spike runs his fingers of the hand not currently wrapped up in hers across her cheekbone. The room around them continues to warm and soften, sunlight now shines through the window instead of the harsh gray that was there before and the painfully sharp angles of the furniture smooth and soften.

"It all just hurts," Spike near whispers.

"Let me help," Buffy replies as she closes the distance between them and brings her lips to his.

As they meet and their eyes close the world falls away, it melts away into nothingness, and although neither is looking about to see they can both feel that the nothing they fall into is not dark, it's light and warm. Spike can feel the weight of his guilt falling away from him as he brings his arm around Buffy pulling her closer to him and deepening their kiss. As the Slayer embraces a man who before this journey into his mind began she had been planning to kill, she now finds that all she wants is to save him. Despite her denial of her feelings for him to her friends and to herself Buffy knows that she cares for him deeply.

Buffy's fingers twist in the collar of Spike's black tee and she falls backward pulling him down with her. They seem to fall forever as he wraps his arms around her shoulders and hers move to trail up beneath his shirt. As she pulls his shirt over his head Buffy finds her back resting comfortably on soft blankets. They're in her bed.

She smiles up at him, her fingers trailing down his bare chest. The thought that this is nothing more than their joined imagination fails to cross her mind, in this moment together everything is real, feels real. Buffy lowers her fingers to fight with the button on his jeans while Spike continues to kiss her hungrily. Then he stops. Spike pulls back and the button is left alone for the moment. Buffy's eyes search his in confusion.

"Buffy…" He lets out in a huff.

"What's wrong?" Spike rolls over to lie beside her and stares at the ceiling as he speaks. His sudden absence from her worries Buffy.

"If this is just… I couldn't bear it if this was nothing more than cold comfort… don' need your sympathy, an…"

"It's not." A moment of pause passes and Spike closes his eyes for a moment.

"Buffy don'"

"Spike, I want this… I want you… yeah, I want to help you but that's not… this is about me caring about you a-and… and wanting to be with you." His eyes snap to hers.

"Don' say it if you're unsure, I want you more than life itself but…"

"Spike… I can't promise you anything; I can't tell you that I love you… but I do know that I could… and I think… I want… I want to see where things go with us." His eyes sway back and forth as they search her expression for understanding. Could she really mean it? Her eyes are so clear, her soul open and everything about her says yes. He twists to his side and drags a finger down her cheek. She looks at him with loving eyes and he draws her face closer to him.

"You sure?" Spike asks his voice still wary. Buffy ignores words altogether, she crashes her lips to his and in a fraction of a second he's rolling back atop her. Buffy twists her legs around the vampire's waist and he presses his body against her.

Instantly his fingers move to the buttons on her blouse while hers send tingles across his skin as they trail down his stomach. His cool lips move to suckle her throat as he slowly undoes every button. Buffy gasps and throws her head back, her mind going blank and forgetting about the button of his jeans entirely for the moment. Spike pulls her shirt open and his lips move to the swell of her breast. A soft moan escapes the Slayer's lips and she can't stand it any longer. She pulls Spike back up to her and draws his lips back to her own. While her fingers are twisting in his hair his digits make their way to the back of her bra and he quickly unfastens it.

Buffy tugs at his blonde locks and again sets her sight on the button of his jeans. Without removing his lips from hers Spike quickly discards her blouse and bra carelessly tossing them to the floor. They land on the carpet with a muted thump. Then as Spike's fingers lightly trail down her body, the tickling feeling of which causes Buffy to arch toward him, he feels his jeans loosen. Thin tanned fingers tug at the now unbuttoned jeans and his fingers move to unbutton hers. Slayer and vampire cling together in the oasis in their minds twisting the sheets and kicking off the rest of their garments, ankles fighting for their lives against thick denim.

Moonlight shines through the panes of the glass laying cross like patterns across the bed where Buffy and Spike lie. Soft flesh and heated breath surrounds Spike while Buffy trembles from icy touches. The room is illuminated in a cool blue light as their lips part for a moment and their eyes meet. Eyelashes flutter, cobalt stares at emerald and ivory lies against gold. Buffy's eyes flicker with passion and love; a look that mimics that of Spike's, two sets of twinkling orbs staring into the soul of one another. Buffy's breath catches and for a moment she truly forgets to breathe. Everything is silent. Then with a shifting of hips all the details fade into a blur as the only thing either can focus on is the feel of the other.






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