After Buffy’s tears subsided, they had moved into the living room and she was leaning on her mother’s shoulder as Joyce stroked her hair. She had told her mother everything that had happened, from the first kiss to what had just happened in the car.
“I know, sweetie,” Joyce said in a soothing voice. “I know this seems like the end of the world right now, but it’s probably for the best.”
Buffy felt tears come back at her mother’s words, though she knew they were true. She was getting a strong dose of reality and she did not like it one bit. It was almost easier when she loved him from afar, though that had hurt as well. Now that she knew that he might feel the same, but wouldn’t be with her because he was leaving, it was even more painful.
“I know, Mom,” Buffy said shakily. “I just love him so much,” she admitted in a choked whisper.
It was the first time she had said this aloud to anyone. For most of the time she had known Will, her affection for him had been mostly infatuation, a child’s fantasy. However, for the past few months her feelings had grown. As she got to know him better, Will became a reality. Now, she knew it was really love. Buffy was sure that if it wasn’t, then she wouldn’t feel this way.
“Oh, Buffy,” Joyce said, hugging her tight as she began to cry harder.
“What’s the matter?” Xander’s voice came suddenly. He had just come downstairs, still dressed in pajamas, though it was almost noon. He always slept as late as possible on the weekends.
“None of your business, Xander,” Joyce said to him in a soft, but warning tone. Buffy buried her face in her mother’s shoulder, trying to hide her tears from Xander.
“Is Buffy okay?” he asked, concerned.
“She’s fine,” Joyce said. “”Now go eat some breakfast…or lunch for that matter.”
Xander went into the kitchen, reluctantly, though Buffy knew he would probably try and listen anyway.
“Thanks, Mom,” Buffy sniffled, grateful that Xander was gone. She didn’t want to have to explain any of this to him.
“Everything will be okay, honey,” Joyce said.
Buffy wasn’t so sure.
***
“Are you okay?”
Buffy was lying on her bed when she heard a knock her doorframe and then Xander’s voice. She was on her side, facing away from him and hugging her pillow.
“Yeah,” she said quietly. She really didn’t want to talk to Xander about this. He would probably just turn it into a Will bashing session and that wasn’t what she wanted or needed.
“Okay is you curled up and crying on your bed?” he asked with typical Xander sarcasm, coming in and sitting down on the end of her bed.
“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” she said, not turning from her curled position.
“Does it have anything to do with Riley?” he asked.
‘Xander is so clueless,’ she thought. “No,” she replied.
“Then what?”
“You wouldn’t understand,” she replied.
“I might understand,” he suggested, trying to coax it out of her.
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
She gave in a bit. “It’s about Will and I don’t want to hear you rant about him for an hour. So, I really don’t want to talk about it with you.”
“Oh,” he said, then didn’t say anything for a few moments. “I know you don’t really care what I have to say, but I know Will pretty well. And though you haven’t told me what this is regarding exactly, but I have an idea.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“Buffy, I know how you feel about him.”
“Is it that obvious?” she asked.
Xander chuckled. “Kind of. Listen Buff, I’m sure you and Will have had plenty of talks about me and he tells you he knows all about me. Well, I know all about him, too. Everyone thinks I’m a moron cause I get shitty grades, but I can read people pretty well, and I’ve known Will a long time. Buffy, Will has no idea what he wants. He doesn’t know if he liked boys or girls or both…or whether he wants to get the hell out of Sunnydale or stay here forever. He talks a good game, but he’s just as confused and lost as the rest of us.”
“He’s going to New York.”
“Oh,” Xander said, sounding surprised and, if Buffy wasn’t mistaken, a bit disappointed.
“Yeah.”
“Buffy, he’s only going to break your heart,” Xander said, getting up from the bed when she didn’t say anything for a few moments. He stopped at the door. “I’m here if you want to talk about it,” he said, then disappeared.
Buffy didn’t know if that conversation was meant to make her feel better, or worse. She supposed that nothing would make her feel better right now, except Will, and she wasn’t going to get him. It seemed that everyone else agreed with him, too. Maybe they really just didn’t belong together.
***
Will respected Buffy’s request for about a week and a half, then it seemed his impatience got the best of him and he accosted her at her locker during school.
“How have you been?” he asked, trying for casual and leaning against the locker next to hers.
“Fine,” she said dismissively. “You?”
“Terrible,” he answered honestly. As much as she hated to think so, it gave her a bit of satisfaction that he was feeling that way. “You didn’t call me,” he said with disappointment.
“Well, maybe you should take a hint,” she said, annoyed. The time away from him had given her time to fully consider her feelings and eventually the sadness had turned into anger. It certainly didn’t help that she had Xander feeding her negative thoughts about Will at every chance he got. Even so, she missed him desperately, though she wouldn’t say it to him.
“Are you angry?”
“Duh.”
“But, luv-“ he started.
“Don’t call me that,” she warned, jabbing her finger at him.
“Buffy, I-“
“You made yourself perfectly clear. We can’t be together…and I’m still not ready…” she trailed off.
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know if we can be friends anymore,” she choked out, looking away from him.
“Why?” he whispered, hurt evident on his face.
“I want to be with you, Will,” she said with honesty, looking him in the face. “But we can’t. You know it and I know it.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“Either way it’s going to happen. So it might as well be sooner rather than later.”
She left him standing in the middle of the hallway, stunned.
**
Arriving in the library, Buffy finally allowed herself to breathe. Leaving Will there in the hallway had been more difficult that she could have imagined and she let out a choked sob when she sat down next to Willow at their usual table.
Willow had been a force of reassurance for Buffy over the past week. While both Xander and her mother had agreed that not starting anything with Will was best for her, Willow had a difference of opinion.
“Buffy, people make things like this work all the time,” she had said. “I mean, my cousin and her boyfriend stayed together when they went to different colleges and they’re getting married this summer.”
“I guess, but he clearly doesn’t think that can happen. I still think it’s an excuse, though. I think that he knows he’ll never feel that way about me, so he doesn’t even want to try.”
“It seems like he’s just as confused as you are.”
“That’s what Xander said. Although, in a much less encouraging way.”
“If it’s meant to be then you’ll make it work.” Willow was always too chipper for her own good.
“How are you always so positive?” Buffy had asked, shaking her head.
“I read too much fan fiction,” Willow had said with a silly grin, making Buffy laugh for what felt like the first time in ages.
Since then, Buffy had been leaning on Willow more than ever and today would be no different.
“What happened?” Willow asked, concern on her face.
“I just talked to Will,” Buffy explained.
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. I’m angy,” Buffy said. “But, I also just…miss him.”
“What did he say?”
“Well, it seems like he thinks we can still be friends. I told him I didn’t think so.”
“Do you really think that’s true? Maybe you should just give it a shot,” Willow suggested.
“I don’t know if I can take the hurt, Willow. It’s too hard.”
“But, do you really wanna lose him completely?”
“Either way, it’s gonna happen.”
“It doesn’t have to,” Willow said with a hopeful smile.
***
Buffy knew that Will was nothing if not persistent. Yet she was still surprised when he appeared at her locker again the next day.
“Didn’t you hear what I said yesterday,” Buffy said, trying for harsh. She just ended up sounding tired.
“Yes, but I disagree,” he said with resolve.
“It’s not a matter of your opinion, Will.”
“I don’t get a say? I’m part of this too,” he argued.
She slammed her locker shut and turned to him.
“You’re the one who said that everything would end when you went to New York.”
“I know, but I didn’t mean-“
“I understand, Will. I really do,” she said, interrupting him. “God knows, Mom and Xander both think it’s for the best, too.”
“Xander? Your taking advice from Xander now?” he asked with disbelief.
“Well, sort of. He just kind of talks at me and somehow it penetrates my brain,” she admitted, sheepishly.
“He’s trying to make you hate me,” he said solemnly.
“Yeah, well, he doesn’t have to try that hard,” she lied. She didn’t hate him and didn’t think she ever could.
“I’m sorry, Buffy. For everything.”
“Me too,” she said, starting to walk away from him.
“I’m not gonna let this go that easy,” he said, following her.
“Neither am I,” she said, not stopping.
“What’s it gonna take?” he asked.
She stopped and turned to him. “Will, I could give you a thousand reasons why we could make it work. But, I won’t. I’m not going to beg you to be with me. I have too much self-respect for that,” she said.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gave her a smile, and then walked off down the hallway, leaving her standing in front of her classroom.
‘This isn’t anywhere near over,’ she thought, watching him walk away.
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