For the first time in months, Buffy was feeling better about the Xander situation. The knowledge that he had someone to rely on gave her a sense of peace about him. She had a feeling that Anya would be able to talk some sense into him and had faith that he would eventually be able to come out to everyone. She decided not to tell Will, however, as she didn’t feel it was her place and thought that it might hurt him to know that Xander felt more comfortable telling Anya than him. But, all in all, she finally felt as if her brother was on the right track and would be able to be happy with himself in the future. It was all she had ever wanted for him.
While things on the Xander front were better, things with Will were more frustrating than ever. They spent lots of time together, getting along for the most part, like they always had. Early on, their friendship had consisted of light flirting and serious talking, mostly about Xander. These days it had become much more tension filled, with both of them wary of any kind of flirting, and awkwardness when it slipped out. They were quicker to get angry at each other as well, usually over pointless things. Jealousy started to color their relationship as well. Any time they were out somewhere and someone else gave Will so much as a smile, Buffy would fume with jealousy. She could tell that Will felt it too, as anytime other guys talked to her, she could see his jaw clench, something he only did when trying to hold back anger.
As the days got longer and hotter and May turned into June, the tension between them became more apparent and Buffy was all kinds of conflicted. On the one hand, she loved spending time with him, even if they were just talking. However, she couldn’t help but want the relationship to become physical and emotional as well. She felt shaken in both his presence and his absence. When they were together, she was tormented with want for him and often had the thought that it would probably be easier to not be around him. But, when he wasn’t around she missed him so much and anticipated the time when she would see him again.
She was fighting a war within herself and didn’t know how much longer they could go on they way they were. It was becoming almost unbearable.
***
It was June, about two weeks from the end of the school year, and Buffy and Anya were outside during gym class. The heat outside was intense, but the coaches made them go out anyway, in what Buffy could only assume was an act of torture. Most of the girls stood around while they were supposed to be playing soccer, so as not to sweat more than necessary.
“Buffy, you do realize that you two are essentially in a relationship, right?” Anya asked after listening to Buffy complain about Will yet again.
Buffy was surprised at Anya’s question. She and Will were most certainly not in a relationship; that had been made very clear. They were just friends, albeit friends who really wanted to touch each other all the time.
“No, that’s impossible,” she replied with disbelief. “We both decided that we can only be friends…it’s for the best.”
“That seems to be working out rather well,” Anya said sarcastically. Buffy could always count on Anya for derision and frank observations. In fact, it was usually one of the reasons Buffy liked her.
“Yeah, it’s difficult, but…but, we’re managing,” Buffy said, faltering on her words. She knew Anya was right, but it was something she didn’t want to acknowledge out loud.
“You guys can never be just friends,” Anya stated, matter of fact.
“W-why not?” Buffy asked in a small voice. She had the feeling Anya was going to burst the bubble of self-denial that she had been living in.
“Look at it this way,” Anya said, seeming to be preparing Buffy for some sort of logic lesson. “You two spend most of your time together, like all couples do. There are lots and lots of feelings there, and they’re definitely not one sided. And even though you two don’t share those feelings with each other, they’re still there and they aren’t going to just go away. Neither of you date anyone else, or even really take interest in anyone else for that matter. So, it’s just the two of you in this weird half relationship thing.”
Buffy didn’t know how to respond to all the facts that Anya had just spewed at her. Deep down she knew that Anya was right, but she didn’t want to believe it. She just looked away from Anya and closed her eyes, willing it all to go away.
Anya continued after a few moments, taking on a slightly less abrasive tone. “Buffy, you know that no matter what, someone is getting hurt in the end…regardless of whether its an official relationship or not.”
**
“Do you think she’s right?” Buffy asked Willow in English class later that day, having just recapped her conversation with Anya. It had left her with even more to think about, so she decided to talk to Willow about it.
“Well…” Willow started.
“You do, don’t you?” Buffy said, pointing a finger accusingly. “Willow, you’re the one who’s been telling me that everything will work out okay! Why did you say that if you didn’t think it was true?”
“I’m sorry, Buffy,” Willow said apologetically. “I was just trying to support you and make you feel better. At first, I really thought that it could be okay. But now...I just don’t see how this can end with you not being hurt in some way.”
“Well, yeah…it was always going to be difficult when he left, but…”
“I just think that if things are this difficult now, then it’s only going to get worse.”
“I know,” Buffy said, voice cracking. She was feeling tears coming on, but doing her best to keep them at bay.
“Maybe you should get some distance from him,” Willow suggested, trying to be helpful.
“We tried that at first, Willow. It didn’t work.”
“I don’t mean stop altogether. I just mean that maybe you should spend a little less time together.”
“I don’t think that will work…but I don’t know what else to do,” she said, burying her face in her hands.
“Well, what did you think was going to happen?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was just hoping that everything would turn out okay…or that he would change his mind or something,” Buffy said sheepishly.
“You mean not go to New York?” Willow asked.
“I know…it’s awful for me to even want that. He’s so excited about going to school and I really want him to be happy…I just don’t want him to go,” Buffy said sadly.
“I know, Buffy. But, that’s what happens. Life isn’t like those T.V. shows where all the characters go to college in the same town where they grew up. It’s just not realistic.”
“Life is stupid,” Buffy said with a pout as their teacher walked in, ready to start the class. As Mrs. Olsen began to talk about Romantic poetry, Buffy completely zoned out, thinking more about Will and how it could possibly be okay.
**
“Mom, I have something I want to talk to you about,” Xander said the next night at dinner. It was a rare night that Buffy, Joyce and Xander all got to have dinner together, as Joyce was usually home late or Xander was eating at Anya’s house.
‘This is it,’ Buffy thought with eager anticipation. ‘He’s going to tell us.’ She studied Xander’s face, trying to gauge his emotions. He seemed nervous and unsure and she was sure that he was about to come out to them.
“What is it, honey?” Joyce asked as she placed a serving dish on the table and sat down in her usual spot at the head of the table.
“Um…I’m going on a trip,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“Wait, what?” Buffy asked, confused.
“What do you mean a trip?” Joyce asked with a confused frown.
“I need to go…find myself,” he explained. “I’m going to drive around the country and figure some stuff out.”
‘How clichéd,’ Buffy thought to herself.
“And how are you planning to fund this self exploration?” Joyce asked.
“Well…I, uh, have some money saved up from birthdays and stuff,” he said. “And there’s graduation money.”
“You don’t have a car,” Buffy added.
“Well…Dad said he would buy me one…for graduation.”
“Oh, really?” Joyce said with disbelief. “That’s very generous of him,” she said sarcastically. Hank and his money had always been a hot button issue for her. She hated the way he would spoil the kids, especially when he knew very well that she couldn’t afford things like that.
“Are you mad?” he asked.
“Well, I can’t say I’m pleased. But, I suppose I can’t tell you what to do any more. You are eighteen.”
“Mom, I really need to do this,” he said earnestly.
“Okay,” she said resignedly. “I just worry about you. I don’t want you to get into any trouble.”
“I promise I’ll call you twice a day and I won’t be gone longer than a month.”
“A month?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “And where do you plan on going for a month?”
“Um…around the country…not too far.”
Joyce breathed out a sigh, putting a hand on her forehead in a gesture of exasperation.
“Mom, I’ll be fine,” Xander said, trying to reassure her.
“Okay, but after you get back you are getting a job,” she instructed him.
“I will,” he replied. “I just need to…be somewhere else for a little while.”
‘This is an interesting development,’ Buffy thought. She wasn’t sure how she felt about him leaving for a month and didn’t fully understand the motivation behind it. He had already realized he was gay…was there something more to it?
***
It was Friday night and Buffy and Will were watching a movie in Will’s bedroom. Xander and Anya had claimed the Summers’ house early in the evening so they were forced to avoid it. They rarely went to Will’s house, as he didn’t seem to want Buffy around his parents. But, they were out that night and they had the house to themselves. They sat it a comfortable silence during the movie, sitting a safe distance from each other on Will’s bed.
“Xander is going on a trip around the country this summer,” Buffy told him midway through the not so interesting Prince of Persia, which Will had insisted on renting.
“Hmm,” was all he said in reply, not looking away from the television.
“Hmm?” she repeated. “That’s all you have to say?” she asked. Usually, Will had a lot to say about everything, especially when it came to Xander, though they hadn’t talked about him in a while.
“What do you want me to say? Xander doesn’t concern me anymore,” he said, sounding slightly annoyed.
“When did you get so bitter about him?” she asked, furrowing her brow.
“When he decided not to talk to me for six months,” he said, not looking at her. “This movie is shit,” he said, using the remote to turn it off. “You would think an action adventure movie would feature a bit more-“
“Don’t change the subject,” she said. “Why are you mad?”
“Buffy, Xander and I aren’t friends anymore. You know that.”
“I know…but, don’t you still care about him?”
“I don’t know anymore,” he said. “You know, he and I had planned on taking a trip around the country this summer. But, it doesn’t matter now.”
“Of course it still matters,” she argued. “Maybe if you just talk to him-“
“I’m not gonna do that. I’m moving to New York in a few months and I won’t even have to think about him or anything in this bloody stupid town ever again,” he said, picking up a bottle of beer from his night table and taking a swig, leaning back against the headboard of his bed.
“Oh,” she said, feeling the sting of his words. “I see.”
“Buffy, I didn’t mean-“ he started, noticing her hurt expression.
“Why are we even bothering with this then?” she asked, her voice taking on a bitter tone. “If you’re just going to leave and forget about me.”
She moved to the edge of the bed and slipped on her shoes, then got up and started to walk toward the door. She was being immature, she knew, but she couldn’t help the anger that she was feeling at his statement. He was just giving her more reason to end this friendship, something she had been considering more and more lately.
“Buffy, wait,” Will exclaimed from behind her.
As she reached the door, she felt his hand on her shoulder, turning her around to face him. She tried to keep the stony expression on her face, but could feel her lip trembling in an effort not to cry.
“I didn’t mean you,” he said, his blue eyes bearing down on her. “You are the only thing in sodding Sunnyhell that I care about. The only thing.”
He had kept his hand on her shoulder. She was only wearing a thin-strapped tank top and she could feel it burning her. He began to rub his thumb over her bare skin and she shuddered from the feeling. He took a step closer to her, moving his other hand to her upper arm.
“I would never forget about you,” he said, keeping eye contact with her.
Buffy could feel her resolve breaking and felt tears come to her eyes. She closed them to hide the wetness that she was sure he could see, hating that he could make her feel this way.
“Buffy,” she heard him say softly.
She opened her eyes again and his face was just an inch away from hers. She could feel his breath on her face and noticed the scent of alcohol from the beer he had been drinking. He hovered there for a moment, then moved forward to press his lips to hers. She anticipated the move and accepted them eagerly and as much as she knew she should end this, she couldn’t summon the will power to do so.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's the next chapter! It feels like forever since I've posted, though it's only been a few days...
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!
Chapter End Notes:
I'm not so sure how I feel about this chapter, so I would greatly appreciate feedback on it. I've been feeling like the story is dragging, so I'm trying to pick up the pace a bit.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for reading!