The meal was subdued with talk on the plans for the future and it left Buffy feeling aggravated. This day felt longer than all days prior. She had to gather the rest of the slayers, train them, lead them, support them and somehow keep herself together. She hoped her family of friends would be there for her, though somehow during dinner she felt them slipping from her. She didn’t want them gone, not yet. She wanted to give them another shot; she wanted them to be a real family again.
As Buffy felt the color drain from her face at the thought of losing her friends, she looked for William. Last night Spike was the only person who Buffy truly trusted to really be there for her. No one at the table had that privilege and it had taken Spike to die for her to understand that. It had taken Spike to die for her to realize she loved him.
But William wasn’t her Spike. He was human and could live a normal human life after he learned how to adjust. She felt a connection missing, something that had been there that was now lost. She knew the connection had been severed when Spike became William and it frightened her, couldn’t she love a normal human?
As she watched William sit back down at the table after being gone for what seemed like half the night Buffy felt relieved. William was now here and though he wasn’t exactly Spike, his mere presence seemed to calm her.
She needed William but she was scared. She felt a distance between them that felt too wide to cross. Buffy knew that unless she wanted to fall back on bad habits from last year, she had to learn to see William as William, no matter how like Spike he could sometimes be.
They ordered their meals, with William stuttering his way around the food menu. He sat in silence for most of the meal, only adding a few comments here and there that lightened the mode or brought a clear point to a simple idea, such as when he mentioned morale of an army and how that can be a turning point for any battle, whether that battle was fought on the outside or in. The few sentences he did make could have been construed as poetic at times, and Buffy felt herself smile.
Buffy didn’t feel like talking much and Dawn asked her about it more than once. She caught William’s eyes during the third time Dawn asked and Buffy knew William understood. The day was not the kind of day to encourage small talk. And the rest of the night Buffy watched William as he watched and studied everyone else.
Dinner had taken almost the whole night and Buffy wanted to lie in bed, to rest her body and hopefully her mind. Xander mentioned that he had also rented a vehicle, a large SUV, and the six of them broke apart to head for the motel. The car ride was again in silence. Buffy had kept her hand in her pocket, gently touching the amulet, knowing her Spike was in there, waiting for her.
She wasn’t going to bandage up William, she wasn’t going to hover. She couldn’t, it was too much for her at the moment. Buffy entrusted the duty to Giles and the boys went into their room after a quick goodnight. She then made a beeline to her room she was sharing with Willow, Kennedy and another slayer. The moment she opened the door, Willow almost toppled her.
“Buffy, I need to talk to you.” Willows hair swirled as she had yet to come to a complete stop in front of Buffy.
“OK, what’s up?” Buffy was a bit taken aback by Willows abrupt greeting.
“Well, I’ve been thinking,” Willow lead Buffy inside the room, “Everything is happening really fast, in one day we’ve activated the potentials, closed the Hellmouth, and made plans to run an army.”
“That’s what happens when you’re dealing with the world of demons and apocalypses, everything zips by before you notice. I thought you would know that by now.” The light tones of Buffy’s voice didn’t seem to have an effect on the red head.
“This time seems really different, everything seems really different.”
“Yeah, a lot has changed.” Buffy’s mind went right to William and Spike.
Buffy sat on the bed closest to her that wasn’t being occupied, ready to give Willow her full attention. Kennedy, a dark haired girl with strong eyes, was watching TV while sitting comfortably on a chair as the other slayer looked to be asleep on the only other bed in the room.
Willow took a deep breath, “I’m thinking of, well, once we get to the UK, and after we’ve all kind of settled and stuff, that Kennedy and I would travel for a bit.”
“You’re not going to stay?” Buffy was shocked to hear that Willow planned to leave her as soon as she got the chance.
“I think it would be good to travel, get to know the world.” Willow looked bashful, “It might help with my magic.”
Buffy closed her eyes. Willow was leaving her and Buffy needed her. Slowly trying to regain her composure she opened her eyes and saw Willow’s eager and hopeful expression. “It’s up to you Will, if you think it’ll help you with your magic then I’m all for it.”
With that, Willow turned to Kennedy, and saw that it looked like Kennedy was actually hanging on every word of their conversation. Willow and Kennedy’s relationship was new, and exciting for them, Buffy didn’t want to get in the way. Buffy understood that Willow would leave with Kennedy, and see things that maybe Buffy never would.
:::::::::::::::::
William was shirtless, sitting on a bed in an odd and dingy motel room, where the lights seemed overly bright and none of the interior matched. He was being banged by a young and eager young man that went by the name of Andrew, who didn’t want to hold his tongue for more than a few seconds.
“There was this episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation in which the Enterprise found this space pod filled with cryonic people from 300 years in the past. They had to adjust to the future which is really…”
William shut out the boy’s speech. He didn’t understand it. He didn’t want to be rude, but the useless chattering appeared to have numbed his thoughts. In the darkest parts of his mind he had wanted Buffy to have bandaged his wound, though he was grateful that she did not, he was still disappointed. Her weak goodnight and her lack of participation at dinner’s conversation had him wondering about her state. He couldn’t help but feel worried for her. He only knew her a day and somehow he felt a connection to her, something he had never felt before.
William had thought a lot about what had occurred at dinner. He had noticed the way the others were communicating with each other and how it was more open and acceptable for disagreements to arise. Thoughts and opinions were welcomed, even if it was in opposition with the others. The language used was coarse, but freeing. Body language was as well more so relaxed.
Before William always preferred not to think of dark and dreary topics, but the conversation at dinner was filled with items that were too dark to ignore. By half way through dinner he was sucked into the dilemma, even adding, to his delight, his opinion, which garnered the approval of the group. This world of demons and magic perplexed him, and that fact that Buffy was center of this world fascinated and terrified him. His heart had doubled in size for Buffy; she had a great and terrible burden.
And he wanted to help her. William wasn’t sure how he could help, but he knew he wanted to be a part of this world now; he wanted to make an impact. Mr. Harris was a normal individual who appeared to contribute to the group. And like Mr. Harris, William would be on the lookout for anything within his power he could do.
“You know you and Spike make this really interesting loop, oh I think I’m done.” Andrew’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.
“Thank you for your assistance…Andrew.” William was still uncomfortable with given names.
“Not a problem, I think there was vending machine in the lobby, I’m thirsty.” With that Andrew left the room, leaving William a bit stunned by the boy’s behavior.
William ran a hand through his wet hair. He had bathed as soon as he had gotten in the room, learning how to work the bath from Mr. Giles and since then he felt a bit more normal. Both Mr. Giles and Xander were getting ready for bed since the night was getting darker. With only two beds they would be sharing, but William didn’t mind. He was grateful for a bed after the events of the day.
William wanted to lie down and sleep, but he was troubled. Buffy had a large responsibility, the world held a dark side he knew almost nothing about and the future was filled with devices that intimated him. What to tackle first wasn’t an easy decision, and he knew he might not be able to make the choice until he was forced to.
:::::::::::::::::
The lights were out and everyone but Buffy was asleep. The clock beside the bed read 2:00am in blinding red. Buffy sighed and put her arm on her forehead, wishing she could sleep. She didn’t need insomnia to add to her problems. Her brain wouldn’t shut down, and she desperately wanted to be alone. Too many things were assaulting her every time she closed her eyes.
Frustrated and resigned, Buffy got out of bed. Slowly and quietly she tip toed to the balcony door and stepped outside, firmly closing the doors behind her. It wasn’t cold, and she was still in her clothes, no one had anything else besides what they wore on their backs. Buffy held herself anyway.
Spike…
Buffy missed him. She had to keep herself from knocking on the door to the boys’ room and demanding to see William. She wanted to pretend, but she couldn’t, that wasn’t fair to him or to her. She was going to change; she was going to do better. Buffy would stay strong.
And then there was just so much, everything was just too much. The day, the losses, and everything ahead dropped on Buffy’s shoulders and she felt herself crumple. She put her arms on the railing and then buried her head in her arms and wept.
:::::::::::::::::
William stared at the ceiling of the motel room. The lights were off and the clock was behaving oddly, the light flickering in a way that would give him a headache if he stared at it too long. The others were asleep, some more quietly than others. William turned to his side, feeling the edge of the bed.
William couldn’t sleep, his mind was racing. The events of the day replayed over and over, from waking in the rubble to Buffy’s whispered goodnight in the hall. His world was upside down and he had a journey ahead of him. William couldn’t believe the change he experienced in only 24 hours. And his astonishment at everything didn’t compare to the change he felt in his heart.
But that didn’t erase the sorrow of losing all he held dear, his mother and his home. He lost his love interest, long dead now. He didn’t have many friends in London before he was thrown in to the future, but the ones he did have were gone. His fortune was gone, as well as his status and his reputation, though he honestly didn’t care as much as he thought he would about those things. His fortune he inherited from his father, his status was important but he felt more relief at the freedom of the loss than remorse, and his reputation was a joke, so that didn’t matter.
Rolling gently out of bed he made his way to the balcony, careful not to disturb the others, and went outside, slowly closing the doors behind him. He breathed in the air and found that it was filled with scents that he never experienced before, but they choked him. William looked up at the sky and couldn’t see the stars, red hazy clouds and lights made it impossible to see anything besides the town that surrounded him.
His thoughts continued on, thinking of the past and the future, his day and this new world. William was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice when Buffy had also stepped onto her balcony, which was right next to his. He didn’t notice her until he heard her sobs.
“Miss – Buffy?” He asked timidly.
Her head shot up and looked at William in stunned surprise. Buffy’s cheeks turned red as she wiped away the tears that were so very clear on her face.
“Are you alright?” William tried to keep his voice as soft as possible.
Buffy’s face suddenly became blank and he watched as a torrent of emotions overcame her. Weakly she answered him. “Yeah, I-I’m fine.” She gave him a weak smile.
Thinking about the directness of her friends at dinner he didn’t hesitate to point out the obvious, “No, you’re not.”
“Oh,” Buffy’s face fell, “Just got dust…” She huffed and looked down; William knew she understood that she wasn’t fooling him. “Been a long day, couldn’t sleep.”
“Yes,” the sarcastic tone came out naturally without him realizing it, “Bloody long day.” He agreed whole heartily with her, though quickly remembered that he had cursed in front of lady when he saw her face. She was looking at him so peculiar that it made his stomach flip and then flop. “I a-apologize, I didn’t mean-“
“Don’t, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Confused, William wanted to ask what had caused her distress when she answered his unspoken question, “You just sounded…like him.”
William stood motionlessly, he understood her comment, but was unsettled by it. He had been trying to forget that he had been a vampire, trying to disconnect with that other being that wore his face. “I see” were the only words that would escape his lips.
Silence filled the two balconies for a few stolen moments. William looked at Buffy and saw the longing in her eyes as she scanned the air around her. She was avoiding him and he swallowed, knowing it must be hard for her to see him and not the vampire he had been.
“Buffy?”
She nonchalantly looked over to him, trying to hide what was obvious to William. She was falling apart by the seams. “Yeah?”
“It’s not a crime to cry.”
She laughed, “Sure, it’s not.”
William knew, somehow, she wasn’t making fun of him; she was hiding, trying to keep a mask on, so he stared at her, waiting for her to say more.
“It’s just, I gotta be strong, for everyone. I have to be a leader.” Her voice was determined, but still, somehow he didn’t fully believe her.
“And for you?”
“That’s part of the package, being strong for everyone means I have to be strong for myself too.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel.”
Buffy looked at him then, really looked at him, and William didn’t understand the expression on her face. She studied him for a moment, searching his features for something that William was scared to admit, that she was looking for signs of him, her vampire.
Before either could say another word a scream tore through the alley below them.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you again for the reviews. Let me know if this is a little confusing. I'm trying to rebuild relationships in this fic and trying to really let Buffy grow, so there is going to be some back and forth...
New beta chapter by Sharon/Havena! Many thanks to her!
New beta chapter by Sharon/Havena! Many thanks to her!
Chapter End Notes:
Finally, some violence coming up...