Chapter 17
Buffy took in the expressions on her friends faces as they each gaped at her. The look of disgust Xander was shooting at her and Spike was making her angry but faced with the obvious disapproval and horror of the people she loved and considered family hurt her and she couldn’t bring herself to speak. She knew it would be bad when they found out and she had wanted a chance to explain it to them and get them used to the idea first, not have it dropped on them like this.
“No. No, tell me it’s not true. It can’t be true. Buff?”
Spike scowled at the whelp. Buffy’s silence was worrying him. He knew she was upset by the current situation but she needed to start talking before the full onslaught began. She told him she didn’t want them to be a secret forever and she wanted to be with him but her reaction to her friends right now wasn’t very reassuring. He stayed by her side, however, waiting for her to respond. If she didn’t start talking soon he was gonna end up saying something to the Scoobies she wouldn’t appreciate.
“Buffy, is it…was what Riley said true? Are you and Spike…?” Willow questioned.
Buffy looked at her friend and opened her mouth to speak but no sound would come out. Xander interrupted, still in full denial mode.
“Of course it isn’t true. Buffy would never give Captain Peroxide there the time of day, it’s just some crazy mistake, some wild accusation Riley made because he was pissed off, that’s all.”
Xander looked at Buffy hopefully but she knew he didn’t really believe what he was saying himself. How could he when she was acting the way she was? Spike growled and made to step forward. He was getting pissed off. The sound of Buffy’s voice stopped him.
“It’s true Xand. Everyone…I’m…me and Spike…we’re…together.”
Anya and Tara waited for the knowledge to sink in with Xander and Willow. Xander was taken aback and stared at the pavement as though everything he’d ever known about the way the world worked had just been proven a lie while Willow’s expression changed from confusion to hurt.
“Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? Buffy I thought we were best friends, how could you hide this from me?”
The disappointment and hurt in Willow’s face made Buffy’s eyes well up and her voice caught in her throat.
Mom was right. The longer this was a secret the more hurt they’d be when they found out. I wasn’t even the one that told them and now Willow feels betrayed because I’ve been lying to them. Maybe she would have understood if I’d given her the chance. Everything’s all messed up.
Spike couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer. He knew Buffy was putting all the blame on herself, allowing them to turn her into a villain for something they had no right judging her for.
“Maybe if she didn’ think you’d all jump down her throat like this and instantly assume there was somethin’ wrong with it she would have.”
“Oh no, you, you don’t get to talk now, and this, this is wrong, way wrong. Besides the fact you’re a vampire, you don’t have a soul and if it wasn’t for that chip you’d still be trying to kill us all right now.”
“You don’ shut your mouth I might just beat you through the pain whelp.”
“Oh yeah, a perfect example of why you and Buffy should be together. Have you completely lost your mind Buff? This is Spike!”
Spike was just about ready to punch the brunette but Willow stepped in again.
“What did you do?”
“What d’you mean what did I do?”
“To Buffy. You must have done something to her to make her act this way, to be with you…a spell or…something.”
“I didn’ use any soddin’ spell, she chose to be with me on her own, you know I hate magic, can’ trust it.”
“Oh yeah, what about when you kidnapped me and Xander to use that love spell to get Dru back?”
“I didn’ go through with it after did I? I don’ like spells an’ I wouldn’ want her like that. I love her the way she is an’ I’d never change her.”
Willow stared at him, her eyes widening at the word love. Tara stepped forward and took her girlfriend’s arm. She understood how they felt about this and she never would have thought of Buffy and Spike becoming an item but Buffy was looking a little bewildered right now and she didn’t think they should be ganging up on her, besides which, Spike meant what he said and Buffy still hadn’t moved away from him. Would it really be so wrong for them to be together?
“You love her?”
“That’s impossible. You can’t love without a soul, not really.”
Spike ignored Xander and looked Willow straight in the eye.
“I do. Soul or no bloody soul,” he looked pointedly at Xander, “I love her.”
Xander started giggling crazily and threw his hands up in the air. He started pacing around in circles.
“Oh this is just great.”
Willow refused to believe Buffy would have just decided to start dating Spike all of a sudden, especially without confiding in her. Not of her own volition. She looked at the quiet blonde staring at the ground.
“Buffy. Why would you just…change your mind about him? Why would you hide it if you really wanted him, if you didn’t think it was wrong?”
“Red, I jus’ told you…”
“I…I didn’t want…with the Council here…”
Tears were starting to flow down her cheeks and she took a shaky breath before starting again.
“Spike didn’t do anything. It was my decision to be with him. I didn’t tell you because I knew how you’d react and I just wanted…”
“You wanted to keep it from us because you knew how sick it was? You knew what we’d say so you wanted to keep it your dirty little secret right? Well cat’s out of the bag so why don’t you explain it to us? Explain to me how you ended up with him.”
“Xander! That’s not what I meant! I wanted to get through this Council visit without this breakdown once you guys knew. I was going to tell you once they left.”
“Sure you were. Guess you don’t have to worry about that now right? You knew this was wrong or you wouldn’t have hidden it. The Council certainly won’t see it as part of being a good Vampire Slayer. Guess you should just drop the ‘S’ off that title. Two vamps Buff? Riley was right, I never thought you’d sink that low.”
Buffy gasped. She knew Xander had a prejudice against vamps but to say such hurtful things to her was something she‘d never anticipated. Spike had had enough. He punched Xander in the face and sent him sprawling on the pavement. Spike shouted and grabbed his head but shook it off and headed for Xander again. The others backed away with fear in their eyes.
“Spike no, don’t!”
“He has no right to talk to you like that.”
“Stop, don’t fight him, it won’t help. Spike please.”
She grabbed his arm and hauled him back, she had to struggle to restrain him, his eyes flashing yellow.
“Spike, vamping out will not help right now.”
Xander sat up, holding his bleeding nose and Anya dropped to her knees beside him helping him up.
“Why not? Ashamed to see the monster your sleeping with? Let the demon out Buff, show us your boyfriend’s true face if you really think it shouldn’t matter what he is.”
Spike struggled to break free of her hold again, going into full game face.
“God will you all just stop please! Stop fighting! I want to explain but you won’t give me a chance. I just…I can’t…I can’t do this…please…”
She burst into tears. How could she explain it to them when they refused to listen. The looks on their faces made it impossible to face them. The people she’d shared so much with were looking at her like she was some stranger, like she was wrong. All of them except Giles.
He doesn’t even want to look at me.
Spike saw her break down and instantly regretted his actions. The boy wasn’t worth this. He slipped back into his human features and put his arms around her, pulling the shaking girl to him but she wasn’t responding. She just kept her eyes squeezed shut with her hands over her face and cried.
“I can’t watch this.”
“Xander!” Willow called but he ignored her, walking off with Anya following in his wake, looking back over her shoulder apologetically.
“Buffy, pet? C’mon luv, look at me. I won’t fight them anymore all right? Xander left. Please Buffy, don’t cry kitten.”
Willow watched as Spike tried his best to comfort her friend. She couldn’t understand it. He wasn’t acting at all like the Spike she knew, but Buffy wasn’t acting like herself either. She was still hurt Buffy hadn’t told her but the way things were going so far she guessed she couldn’t blame her for not jumping in to tell them. The stuff Xander had said to her and even the way she had reacted was making her feel bad as she watched one of her best friends fall to pieces.
“Willow? I think, m..m..maybe we should go? I think everyone needs to c..c..calm down a bit and the Watchers are waiting for Buffy.”
Willow looked at her girlfriend’s concerned face and then back at Buffy and Spike. She didn’t want to leave things like this but Tara was probably right. Everyone needed to calm down and soon Travers would be looking for the Slayer. Maybe it was best if they just left. Fighting and standing there looking disappointed wouldn’t help anyone, especially Buffy. They could talk tomorrow.
“Okay. Buffy we’re leaving okay? We can talk tomorrow, please, I…I don’t want you to think I hate you or anything…I just, think it’s better we talk tomorrow alright?”
Buffy was too busy crying her eyes out into Spike’s shirt to answer. The vampire looked at Willow, stern but not threatening.
“Fine. It is prob’ly best you lot go home. Talk tomorrow but you better damn well give her a chance to talk, not that she needs to explain herself to all of you hypocrites.”
Willow wanted to ask just what he meant by that but Tara pulled her away.
“Leave it please? Tomorrow. We can sort it out tomorrow.”
“Okay. Bye Buffy.”
The wiccans left and Spike turned his attention back to the crying Slayer.
“Buffy? They’re gone now okay? Pet please talk to me.”
When her cries turned to sobs she raised her head up to meet concerned blue eyes. Her own were red-rimmed and her face was puffy, her throat hurt from crying ad her voice was croaky when she spoke.
“I n..n..never w..w..wanted them to f..f..find out like t..that. I knew it w..would be a p..p..problem but I n..never expected…”
Spike ached for her. She was tortured from the way her friends treated her and he couldn’t think what he could do to make it better.
“Let them sleep on it yeah? The whelp…he needs a right arse kicking but demon girl didn’ seem to mind, maybe she can straighten him out a bit, an’ Tara has Red considerin’ it. She was upset yeah, but she looks like she might change her mind. Everyone jus’ needs to calm down a bit an’ let it sink in is all.”
Buffy shook her head, struggling to hold back another wave of tears.
“No they won’t. They, c..can’t accept it. After Angel…they w..won’t understand Spike. You don’t have a soul.”
“An’ what does that mean exactly? To have a soul? What’s so bloody fantastic ‘bout havin’ one o’ those? Angel has a soul an’ he’s a broody, whiny useless excuse for an immortal. Your friends have souls but they certainly didn’ have a problem tearin’ into you because you did something’ they didn’ agree with. Soldier boy’s got a soul an’ he hunts down an’ kills harmless demons. Murderers, rapists, all the bloody criminals in the world got soddin’ souls an’ are they any bleedin’ better for it?”
Buffy gaped at him. He was pacing now and seemed really angry. She didn’t understand why he’d suddenly turned from trying to comfort her to looking like he wanted to strangle her.
“Spike…what…?”
“I’m tryin’ Buffy. I don’ have a soul but it doesn’ mean I can’t love. Yeah the chip’s been the only thing holdin’ me back an’ makin’ me work with you lot as long as I have but you know that changed when I fell in love with you. I wanna be good for you Buffy. I’ve been doin’ everythin’ I could think of an’ it never seemed like enough, not until you gave me a chance. That was the happiest moment of my life, an’ unlife, but I’m startin’ to wonder if you even meant it.”
“What? Spike how can you ask me that? Of course I meant it.”
“Did you? Cos gotta say luv, the way you keep yammerin’ on ‘bout my obvious lack of a soul’s not doin’ much for my self esteem. I know why you didn’ want your pals to find out while the Wankers were here but they did, couldn’ be helped, but I never thought you’d freeze up like that. You couldn’ even answer ‘em Buffy. If I hadn’ been here threatenin’ them would you have even bothered or jus’ sat there an’ taken it?”
“Spike why are you being like this? You know I don’t care that you don’t have a soul, if I did I wouldn’t have been with you all this time. You proved to me you changed and I accepted it. I just had a huge fight with my friends and you’re jumping down my throat because I wasn’t prepared enough for that onslaught?”
“You weren’ fightin’ Buffy. To do that you’d actually have to stand up for yourself. You let them overrule you like you always do. Their approval is all that matters an’ if you don’ get it then it’s all your fault. You’re the Slayer for cryin’ out loud. You don’ have to answer to anyone. The Watchers, your friends, you’re the one in charge, the Chosen One, the Slayer, but you never bloody act like it. Not until someone you love is in danger, otherwise you just sit there an’ do as you’re told and shoulder the blame when things don’ go the way you planned. Bloody hell Buffy jus’ be the woman you can be, the woman you are an’ stop lettin’ others control you.”
“How can you say that to me? I am doing the best I can. I chose to be with you. I care about you and you told me you love me but you’re turning on me just like them. You told Willow you never wanted to change me but you just said I should be different. You want the Slayer Spike, that’s all. You don’t want Buffy, the girl, she’s too sensitive for you. I can’t deal with the people I love hating me and you turn on me for it. All you want is the Warrior, the fighter, the girl who beat you down, your match. I’m more than that, I’m a girl too and I can’t help being vulnerable sometimes. God, why does this keep happening to me? I thought you were different. Angel and Riley, they wanted plain defenceless Buffy. You, you saw me, at least I thought you did, but I was wrong. You just saw the Slayer. Am I ever going to find anyone who wants me for both?”
“I do want you for both. They’re the same girl Buffy you just insist on seperatin’ ‘em.”
“I am the way I am Spike. I’m trying to live my fucked up life the best way I can. I’m sorry if that isn’t enough for you.”
Spike was getting more pissed off by the minute.
“Why won’ you listen to me? I’m tryin’ to prove somethin’ to you here an’ you jus’ insist on fightin’ me over it.”
Buffy felt anger flood through her. She held onto it for dear life just to keep the overwhelming urge to dissolve into tears at bay.
“Are you even listening to yourself right now? You just told me I don’t ever fight for myself but now I’m too busy fighting you to hear you out? Did you ever think the reason I’m so clearly screwed up is because no one around me can make their minds up?”
Spike growled in frustration. His anger was building and he cursed the chip for ever forcing him into a situation like this. He just wanted to beat sense into everyone around him sometimes and couldn’t.
“I’m the only one you ever seem to bloody want to fight with. You know what Buffy, or Slayer, since that’s all of you I can see, maybe they aren’ the only ones that need to take a break from this. Maybe it’s best we jus’ put some distance between us before you decide you’ve had enough an’ take that mountain of frustration out on me again like you always do. Forgive me if I don’ fancy a round of kick the Spike right now but I’ve heard about enough for one night. If you decide to get off that high horse of yours an’ see some bloody sense you know where I’ll be.”
With a final glare Spike whirled around and stalked off back in the direction of Restfield. Buffy was gob smacked.
He’s just going to walk away? Spike is leaving me here? After everything that just happened, he’s leaving?
“Spike! Spike you can’t just walk off like that. Damn it, Spike!”
He ignored her and continued walking. Buffy cursed and started to follow when an unusually calm voice called her name and she spun to see Travers looking at her from around the Magic Box’s door.
“Miss Summers if you’re quite through out here we do have the little matter of your evaluation to discuss. I’m sure you don’t want to keep Mr. Giles waiting any longer do you?”
Buffy wanted to pound his stuck up horrible face into the pavement when something he said struck a chord with her.
Giles. He’s in there, waiting for me. He could be…
Giving in, Buffy threw a last wistful look in Spike’s direction before heading in to face the music. She knew it wouldn’t be good. It would be a horrible end to a horrible night.
***
Inside all the Watchers were gathered around, surrounding her. Travers stood in the middle of the circle facing her. Lydia was behind him. Giles was standing against the wall to the left. Buffy tried to catch his eye but he purposefully avoided looking at her, staring instead at Travers, that same blank look on his face. Buffy felt the lump in her throat growing and switched her focus to Travers.
“Okay then,” she croaked, “let’s hear it.”
Travers smirked at her but she didn’t care. All the rage was gone out of her. She just felt…empty.
“Well let’s review shall we? First the interviews. Your mother and sister have had quite the time of it haven’t they? With a Slayer in the house they’ve had their lives in danger a lot and I believe they had a situation when you decided to run away once correct?”
Buffy didn’t answer. They had all the information they wanted. He continued.
“Your friends too have had their lives changed. The witches experimenting with magic, some if not most of which has gone wrong to my understanding. The foolishness of said friends and lack of respect for the dark arts and demon summonings has caused many disturbances in the past.”
Buffy just watched as he listed off every negative he could think of.
“The vampire,” he paused significantly, hoping for a reaction, Buffy just continued to stare at him, waiting for him to continue, “he’s an interesting creature certainly. Had many good things to say about you as a fighter, the only one he met that survived his attacks. He did, however, mention how much you rely on your friends and Mr. Giles for help. Seemed to think you could do it on your own and be a much better Slayer if you weren’t conditioned by the Council for so long to believe you had to do as you were told, follow orders. Said that you listened to other people too much to become the best, even if you have lasted this long.”
Buffy swallowed hard. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. Spike said almost the exact same thing to her outside. He’d been backing her up but still he’d told the Watchers she was holding back from being a proper Slayer.
“Next your skills as a Slayer. You have been following none of the traditional techniques and as far as training goes are by far the worst I’ve ever tested. You do have your own unique style which, admittedly, seems to serve you quite well in the field. Of course you have the uncanny ability to let your enemies get much closer than should be necessary and it is my firm belief that had the vampire not turned up in that fight with the demon you would be dead by now.”
He paused and waited for her to meet his gaze for a few tense seconds before he continued slowly.
“Despite everything I’ve seen that proves to me you are incapable of performing your duties as a champion for the powers the fact remains that you are one of the longest living Slayers on record. Your friends and family seem to think that even though some situations get rather heated and it has been touch and go many times in your big battles you always pull through, and for a young girl who has died once to save the world you have faced many seemingly impossible situations at million to one odds and come out of them the victor. They each assured us that if anyone was capable of putting a stop to Glory it would be you, Buffy Summers.”
Buffy didn’t think she could take any more. He was taking everything that meant so much to her, that would have filled her with such hope previously, and shoving it back in her face. She glanced at Giles again but he remained stony faced. She wanted to scream at him, make him talk to her. Shout, lecture, anything. Anything but this constant silence and refusal to even acknowledge her.
“However, I cannot help but wonder if that is still the case. Do you suppose they would say the same thing now that they know you have become involved with another vampire, one who has tried to kill each of you several times and has only ceased his evil plans because the military put a leash on him? A Slayer and a vampire. You’ve been through this before have you not Miss Summers, although I seem to remember the last one at the very least possessing a soul. Somehow I doubt you have quite the fan club you had before tonight, wouldn’t you say Mr. Giles?”
Giles didn’t answer.
“I’m afraid I cannot allow the information I possess to fall into such incapable hands. I had initially intended to have you re-schooled as a Slayer but now I see that would be futile. You are too far removed from the ways of the Council and we cannot have anything further to do with a Slayer who throws in her lot with vampires, repeatedly. As such I am leaving with my team on the next available flight. Mr. Giles, you will be returning with us. I would like all of you including your fellow team members here tomorrow for a final meeting where I will have made my decision about who we’ll be sending to control the Hellmouth as your replacement. At the very least they should be here to bid your mentor farewell, if they have any respect for the man.”
With that Travers and his team began to file out of the shop, leaving Buffy shell-shocked. She couldn’t believe this was happening. Giles moved from his spot by the wall and headed towards the register.
“Giles. You can’t leave. We have to do something. Giles please, talk to me, look at me. Giles!”
He completely ignored her. Buffy ran over to him and grabbed his sleeve.
“Giles, please, say something to me! We have to talk about this!”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m being deported. I’ll see you at the meeting tomorrow.”
Buffy sobbed and watched as he shrugged his arm free from her.
“Giles!”
“Buffy! I have to close up the shop and prepare things for Anya before I have to leave. Please just go.”
He stared solidly at the counter. Buffy didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t look at her. She relented.
“Fine I’ll go. Please just…try talk to me tomorrow. I don’t want to leave things like this. Giles?”
He began looking through his books and Buffy gave up. She left the shop and walked home in a daze, everything that had happened tonight replaying in her mind, as if it had happened to someone else.
***
When she got home she walked through the door and closed it quietly behind her, then she just stood in the hallway unmoving. Joyce walked in and stopped when she saw her eldest daughter.
“Buffy? I thought I heard the door. Buffy, sweetie what is it? What happened?”
Buffy looked at her mother and fell apart. She ran into Joyce’s arms and broke down in tears. Joyce held her trembling body closely in shock. She’d never seen Buffy get this upset since she became the Slayer.
“Buffy, what is it?”
“Oh Mom. Everything’s gone so wrong.”
“Oh honey…”
Buffy fell to her knees and Joyce dropped down beside her, cradling her in her arms. Something was seriously wrong. Dawn walked in from the living room having heard her sister’s cries and stood dumbfounded as she watched their Mom try to soothe the nervous wreck that was her sister on the floor. Wordlessly she joined them and hugged her sister, sharing a look of concern with Joyce.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, this is an angsty chapter I'm warning you now. Luckily you have another one to read after this so bear with me, it's not all bad.