Chapter 18
Buffy woke up praying that last night was nothing more than a bad dream. Her sore throat and red eyes informed her that she had no such luck. She’d managed to cry herself to sleep a few hours ago after convincing her Mom and Dawn she would be okay and they should just get some rest. Thinking about last night and how she’d spilled her heart out to her Mom about everything that had happened was making her chest hurt so she decided to push those thoughts away and focus on the mundane everyday tasks of getting up and preparing for the day ahead. She could barely look at her reflection. She looked terrible, and even after tidying herself up she couldn’t erase that tired, almost ill looking appearance she was sporting. She didn’t really feel like caring right now anyway.
She could smell breakfast as she made her way downstairs and walked into the kitchen to find her Mom and Dawn sitting at the island, yawning over their orange juice.
“Hey,” she croaked, “sorry I kept you guys up so late last night. You both look exhausted.”
“That’s okay honey. I’m always ready to listen to my girls and I was needed last night. I can catch up on any missed sleep this afternoon since I won’t be doing anything else. It will do me some good to get away from daytime t.v. for a while too.”
“Yeah it’s okay for you, I have school to go to. On second thought I guess it gives me a reason to catch some z’s in class.”
Joyce gave her youngest a stern look of disapproval.
“I was kidding. Jeez. I’m not actually going to fall asleep in class…probably.”
“Go get your stuff. Janice and her Mom will be here to pick you up soon.”
“Yeah yeah. Um Buffy? Are you, y’know, okay?”
Buffy gave her sister a small smile. Dawn had steadfastly refused to leave her and their Mom alone last night, wanting to know exactly what could have caused Buffy to break down. Buffy told her Mom it was okay, Dawn could stay. Everyone else knew, why not her sister too? So she’d told the story after Joyce had explained that Buffy and Spike were a couple but had wanted to keep it secret until the Council were gone and Buffy could find a way to break the news to the others. Dawn’s eyes had popped at the news and grown even wider upon discovering that the only person Buffy had told had been their Mom, the one person she used to hide everything from. She had seemed almost ecstatic that Spike and her sister were dating but her excitement soon diminished when Buffy relayed the events of Riley’s sudden reappearance and the subsequent disaster with the Scoobies.
“I’m okay Dawn, really. I’m all cried out. I’m just going to spend the day resting and get ready for the big meeting tonight, or the big goodbye, that is, if anyone bothers to show up. Wow, check out my skills at depressing everyone first thing in the morning. Forget the last part, I’m fine. Go get ready for school, I’ll see you later okay?”
“Okay. It will be alright sis. I’m not sure how right now, but things usually work themselves out, and don’t worry about Spike. There’s no way he can stay mad at you forever and he definitely won’t keep his distance for too long.”
Buffy thought about the day he’d gone off her radar, before they were even dating, and how it had made her crazy with worry. She just prayed he wouldn’t do that again, especially since he was so mad at her. She didn’t think she could bare it if he didn’t show up soon.
“I sure hope not. Bye Dawn, have a good day.”
“Bye. Bye Mom. Love you.”
“Bye honey,” Joyce called as her teenage daughter left the house, leaving her with a very unhappy Buffy.
“She’s right you know. He won’t stay away long.”
“I just really didn’t expect that from him Mom. One minute he’s there for me, telling me it’s not so bad and the next he’s on my back about sticking up for myself. I was upset and unprepared and it wasn’t enough for him. I thought he really understood me. Understood that there’s two sides to me but I guess I was just so happy a guy accepted my Slayer side that I never realised he didn’t see the girl. It’s the same mistake I’ve always made but in reverse.”
Joyce frowned and reached a hand over the counter to grab Buffy’s, making her look up at her.
“Honey I’ve heard this twice now. Once last night and just now and I still don’t understand it. You’re twisting what he meant. You’re so confused by having your friends turn on you that you’re taking what he said the wrong way. It’s no wonder he stormed off like he did, or that he got so mad. If I’d have been there I would have backed him up, he was right.”
Buffy stared at her mother in shock. She was taking his side? What was going on?
Spike was right? She’d back him up? Has Mom turned on me too, what the hell?
“What do you mean he was right? You think I should have handled it better? Did I not just say what sort of horrible, hurtful things my friends threw in my face last night? How was I supposed to deal with that?”
“Honey, listen to me, I’m on your side and so was Spike, that’s my point. Yes, okay, he could have made his point better instead of getting angry and yelling at you but your friends got to him too. He wouldn’t show it of course but everything they said that would have hurt you, hurt him too, especially seeing how much it upset you. Spike is…different, we’re agreed on that, and yes, he was someone you found it hard to trust because of the…questionable things he’s done but he has tried and you gave him a chance which would have meant more to him than anything. He’s always been an outsider even though he’s done his best lately to fit in with the group. When you said he’d never be accepted because he didn’t have a soul, even though I know that doesn’t bother you and deep down he knows that too, it would have hurt because it would have reminded him of how he’ll always be the outsider, that maybe they won’t accept him and that will make you change your mind about being with him. So he did the exact same thing you did when you got into that fight and used anger to defend yourself because you were hurt. You both have a lot in common and in this case, you both got defensive and it escalated until neither one of you would listen to reason and he probably decided it was just better to leave before things got worse. I have to say I really didn’t expect him to be the sensible one in this relationship but there he goes with his surprises again.”
Buffy took all this in. She fought the urge to interrupt and defend herself and just hear her mother out instead. She realised Joyce was right. It was just like Spike to protect himself by getting mad, just like she did. The problem was she only did that with him. She was beginning to see where her Mom, and Spike, were coming from.
“So yes, he was mad and he was upset and hurt but he was still making sense. Sweetie he wasn’t just looking at you as the Slayer. He wanted you to defend yourself like he knows you could. You’re the one in charge around here but you’re miserable doing everything the Council wants because of some silly test. They aren’t going to be able to do anything about Glory without you, despite what you think and this punishment is a way to make you suffer so you’ll obey them from now on. Those rats just want to feel important and they’re annoyed because you’re the first Slayer who hasn’t sat back and done what she’s told.
Yup, her Mom was definitely making sense and Buffy was beginning to pay attention to everything Spike had told her last night, reconsidering what he meant until she realised he had made a lot of valid points. Her friends’ approval did mean a lot to her and she hadn’t ever been able to stand up to them before. Spike was the only one she could fight with and she was regretting not listening to him. Now he was out there somewhere angry with her and thinking she was mad at him and going to let her friends tell her what to do, which would mean breaking up with him.
And that is so not happening. Spike is the one good thing that’s happened to me lately besides Mom getting better and I’m not going to let him go because of their prejudice against vampires, which, justified? Yes, but not with him, not now. He’s different and they have to see that, or I guess they really aren’t the people I thought they were.
“You’re right. You both are. Oh God, Spike…I’ve really messed this up haven’t I?
Joyce gave her daughter’s hand a reassuring pat and smiled at her.
“Not yet you haven’t. You have plenty of time to bring them around, or at least try to, and Spike shouldn’t be too hard to find. He loves you Buffy, he’s not going to leave because you had a silly fight. You can still apologise and make it up to him and as for the Council, you have a meeting with them today right?”
“Yeah, one I was not looking forward to. Giles’ bon voyage party. But I can stop that. I need time to compose myself, get rid of this beaten down little girl look and get back to Slayer mode and find some way to sort this out, starting with getting everyone at that meeting tonight. If I’m going to stand up for myself I might as well start with everyone all at once.”
“That’s the strong young woman I raised. You’ve made more sacrifices than you ever should have had to, to save the world and protect the people around you. It’s about time you fought for what you want.”
“Thanks Mom. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I still can’t get over the fact that you approve of Spike and defend him.”
“Well to be honest, I really wasn’t happy about it at first but you’ve been so much happier lately. I think I even heard you singing in the shower once. He’s good for you and even if I didn’t like him I don’t think I could argue with his reasoning. He makes a lot of sense. He really does see you for who you are. You deserve that.”
Buffy and her Mom chatted for a while over breakfast and then settled down in front of the television before Buffy felt up to showering and putting some effort into her appearance. When she’d made herself look reasonably like her normal, peppy self she braced herself for the hard part, convincing her friends to come to the meeting tonight. She knew Giles would be there, which was a relief because she was not ready to face him yet. Xander would be the most difficult and she had moved on to being pissed off about the things he’d said to her so she decided to wait awhile before paying him a visit and start with Willow instead. She had seemed the most likely to hear her out, especially if Tara was around and Buffy hoped their biggest problem was keeping a secret from her best friend which she could hopefully explain without too much trouble.
Okay. It’s now or never. Come on Buffy you can do this.
“Okay Mom, I’m going. I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Alright honey,” her Mom’s voice called, “good luck.”
I’ll definitely need it, Buffy thought as she made her way out the door.
***
Knocking lightly on the door of Willow’s dorm room Buffy replayed what she intended to say over and over in her head, praying she’d have the strength to get it out in the open and not back down this time. She was getting anxious when the door finally opened and Willow was standing in front of her.
“Buffy. Um, hi. I wasn’t expecting you. Um, you wanna…come in?”
“Yeah, thanks Will.”
Buffy stepped past her friend and spotted Tara sitting on the bed, glancing up with some surprise at her.
“Buffy. Hi, um, I should probably go, give you two time to talk and…”
“Oh no, that’s okay you can stay, really. I…have some things I wanna say and I have to ask you both something after. What I want to talk about…you should both hear it.”
“O..okay.”
“Um, yeah, sure. I think we do need to talk. You look…better, today.”
Not the snivelling mess when you guys left last night? Yeah, you wouldn’t believe the effort that’s taken.
“Yeah, I, uh, I had a lot of thinking to do and last night…well I was less prepared for that than you guys were and I was a mess but I’m ready to talk about it now.”
“Buffy…”
“No. No Will, both of you, just…please, hear me out first? You can say what you want when I’m done okay?”
Willow looked about ready to say something but Tara’s hand on her arm stopped her and she just nodded. Buffy gave Tara a grateful smile. She was really glad the shy girl was here to back her up. She started pacing up and down while the wiccans sat on the bed waiting for her to begin. She twisted her hands together and took a deep breath before facing them and saying what she came here to say.
“Okay, so, to start with something I should have told you before…Spike and I are a couple.”
She took in her friends faces. They just nodded and waited for her to continue.
“We only got together just before the Council came and since I was really only getting my head around it myself and dealing with the Watchers I decided to keep us a secret until after they left. Fact is, I knew you guys wouldn’t like it, heck I fought it at first too but I realised some things about him. He’s been changing. Since the chip he’s needed to do what we wanted because he was helpless but lately he’s done a lot of things that we didn’t even know about for good. He even turned down opportunities he’s had to kill us in favour of helping. Case in point, Giles being turned into a Fyarl demon, something Spike could kill. This stupid test of the Watchers…” Buffy let out a huge sigh, “I knew I’d instantly fail if they found out, not to mention the danger it would have put Spike in, yet another reason to keep it secret.”
Willow was about to interrupt before Buffy raised a hand to stop her.
“Just let me finish here. Bottom line is I have feelings for Spike. Strong, mushy, good feelings that I have no intention giving up. So what I’m saying is, whether you approve or not I’m going to keep seeing him. He’s my boyfriend and I just hope that you can learn to accept that. I know I hurt you by hiding it but I really didn’t think I had a choice. I was going to tell you though, please believe that. I want you to be okay with this, even though I know it’s gonna take time. Probably a lot of time. Okay, that’s it.”
Buffy spread her hands out and shrugged, waiting for them to say whatever they wanted to say. Tara smiled at her and patted Willow’s hand. The redhead drew in a deep breath and stood to face Buffy.
“I overreacted last night. Thing is, I did a lot of thinking after we got home and talked some stuff through with Tara and I get it now, why you couldn’t tell us. I was a little upset and shocked and hurt when it all came out but I realise we just sorta jumped down your throat without giving you a chance to defend yourself. Of course I can understand why you kept it secret even though I don’t like that you didn’t confide in me…but I get that too, after what Xander said…”
Willow trailed off and Buffy looked away. She really didn’t want to think about that.
“Spike said something last night that made me think.”
Buffy looked up worriedly. That couldn’t possibly be good, could it?
“He said you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to us hypocrites. I didn’t get what he meant at first but we would have just got into an argument if I asked. I thought about it and I think I understand it now, and he’s right. We are hypocrites.”
Buffy couldn’t even blink. So now Willow was saying Spike was right. She hadn’t slipped into some crazy alternate dimension had she?
“Huh?”
“Well, think about it. Not exactly the poster child for conventional relationships here. We’ve always been with unusual partners. I mean c’mon Buffy, Xander’s dating an ex-vengeance demon, he’d put emphasis on the ex of course but still, we all know Anya still has trouble with the moral stuff, and me? Dated a werewolf. Did the whole creature of the night thing and Oz didn’t have control of his demon like Spike does. Also me and Tara…” Willow turned to her girlfriend who stood and came over to stand beside her smiling, “I kept us a secret for a while too because I was scared of what you guys would think. I guess what I’m saying is I know what you’re going through. Admittedly I would never have thought you and Spike would…well it was a surprise and I’m still not quite sure I can understand it but we have plenty of time to talk about it now, right?”
Buffy couldn’t believe how well things were going. Will was still her friend, and she was willing to accept Spike, or at least talk about it.
“Of course we can talk about it. I’m so glad you understand Will, I was afraid we weren’t gonna work this out.”
The two friends hugged and grinned at each other, both relieved that they had at least started to work things out.
“Buffy? Didn’t you say you had something to ask us?”
Buffy glanced at Tara confused before she remembered the other reason she’d come to talk to them.
“Oh right. Yeah, see after the major drama last night Travers has concluded that I am unfit to receive their info and wants to have Giles deported. They’re arranging a meeting for tonight, stating their terms and letting us say goodbye. The Scoobies are all invited.”
“Oh no Buffy!”
“Relax Will. I am not letting them do that. I haven’t been thinking straight lately but Spike’s been big with the making sense. Of course the way things were going I ended up taking it personal and not listening so we got in a big fight and it took Mom’s reasoning to get me to reconsider and realise that he was, in fact, accurate. I’m supposed to be the big Chosen One but I’ve been running around trying to impress some stuffy bookworms who literally couldn’t fight to save their lives without an arsenal and an enemy who played by their rules. Tonight I’m putting a stop to that. I’m the Slayer, they need me. It’s about time I made that perfectly clear. So are you guys gonna be there?”
“Of course we will,” both wiccans nodded enthusiastically, “we’ll be there Buffy, and we’ll back you up too.”
“Thanks guys. Okay, next up Xander. Boy how I am not looking forward to that.”
“Well if it helps I can talk to him later too and make sure he comes tonight and Anya can try as well. It definitely won’t be easy though. Xander and vampires? So not mixy and this is Spike. I don’t think there’s a vamp he dislikes more, well maybe Angel, but that was before you and Spike started dating so…you know what, I’m shutting up now.”
“Believe me I know. Ugh I better get going, the sooner I do it the better and if I keep putting it off I’ll lose my nerve. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” Willow and Tara both said as Buffy turned to leave. Outside the door she let out a relieved sigh. That had gone much better than expected. Now for the really hard part.
***
She knocked on Xander’s door and waited. And waited. And waited. She knocked again. Inside she heard someone moving around. She knew he hadn’t gone to the construction site that morning, calling in sick, which meant he was really, really mad. Perfect. She banged on the door more forcefully but her only response was a few more muffled noises and grumbling. Losing her patience she banged her fist on the door so hard it shook. She was sorely tempted to just break it down but figured that wouldn’t be a good start. She persisted in her abuse on the door until she heard footsteps approaching and stepped back before it was flung open, revealing a very dishevelled and irritated Xander.
“Should have known it was you.”
“Yeah the door rattling on its hinges was your first major clue.”
He scowled at her and she kicked herself inwardly. Sass would not help, she had to keep her temper in check.
“Can I come in?”
“Dunno. If you’re a vampire in need of an invite then no.”
Count to ten Buffy, don’t lose your cool. You expected this.
“We need to talk Xander. Please let me in? I really don’t fancy having this out in the hallway.”
“Really? I don’t feel like having this out at all. Goodbye.”
He tried to shut the door but she slammed a hand against it and pushed back, forcing her way past him and into the room.
“Okay, I really just asked to be polite. We need to talk and whether you want to or not that’s what we’re gonna do.”
He slammed the door closed behind her and made his way over to the couch which he flopped down on and avoided her gaze.
“By which you mean you talk and I listen right?”
“Judging by the conversation so far? Yeah, looks like.”
“Fine, so talk. Can’t guarantee a rapt audience.”
Okay so a nice explanation like the one with Willow earlier was out. He was in no mood to discuss this. She’d just have to get the facts out and try to convince him to turn up at the Magic Box for the meeting later. Any understanding about Spike would have to wait.
“I don’t want to fight and you clearly don’t want to hear what I have to say so I’m just gonna fill you in on what’s happening outside this room. First off, I’m with Spike now,” she ignored the sneer he shot her, “I never said anything because of the Council and how you guys would take it.”
He scoffed and she ignored that too, continuing her speech before he said anything she’d have to force him to regret.
“I was going to tell you once they left and I know it’s gonna take time to adjust to, and yes, if you’re still my friend you will have to adjust. I am not breaking up with Spike.”
She levelled him with a steely gaze which he returned for a few seconds before looking away. The disdain was evident on his face but he was keeping quiet, for now.
“I am also not going to sit back and let people control my life anymore. When you feel like talking about this I’ll be waiting but I will not listen to any nasty comments or accusations like those of last night. I have discussed things with Willow and Tara and they at least are willing to listen and consider things before passing judgement. Lastly, after the fiasco with Riley, Travers has ordered that Giles be deported and has decided not to help with Glory.”
Xander looked up sharply at the news of Giles’ deportation, furious and about to say something she knew would be unpleasant. She cut him off quickly.
“Before you say anything let me be very clear that that is not going to happen. I am no longer going to sit back and let the Council make all the rules. Giles isn’t going anywhere, however he may feel about that now. He’s not going to be forced to leave anyway. They arranged a meeting for tonight and we are all invited, which yes, includes you. It’s a chance for everyone to say their goodbyes, which again, won’t be necessary because that won’t happen. Things need to be said and some ground rules need to be laid down. That’s happening tonight. I’d like you to be there. At least you’ll be in the loop. That’s all.”
She waited for a minute or two before it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything.
“Okay then. I’ll let myself out.”
She was at the door when he spoke.
“If I do go…”
She paused, waiting for him to finish without turning around.
“…it will be for Giles. If I go.”
She nodded and left. Not the best she could have hoped for, but definitely not the worst either. There was a chance he’d be there. That was important. She just hoped they would be able to talk about Spike, or at least break this huge wall of ice between them sometime soon. She wasn’t counting on it.
***
While Buffy was gathering the broken troops and attempting to put a plan of action together for her next face off with Travers, Spike was in the bad part of town getting nicely drunk. Halfway home after the fight with Buffy his feet decided to change direction and head toward Willy’s. One good thing about the demon bar was that it was always open. He had finally achieved that pleasant numbness that comes from downing several bottles of Jack, enough to overcome that vampire constitution of his. He was struggling to stay seated on the bar stool while Willy said something that he supposed would make sense if he were actually listening.
“Whassat?”
Willy rolled his eyes and leaned forward, speaking slowly.
“I said, do you think it’s a good idea for you to be here? Your last visit ended with a pretty bad beating if memory serves.”
“I told you the last bloody hundred times I don’ give a shit. ‘Sides, lasted this long haven’ I? No one’s tried to…to…to rip my head off yet have they?”
He swayed more precariously on his barstool and managed to knock a couple of his empty shot glasses off the bar and onto the floor where they made a loud smashing sound. Willy cursed under his breath.
“Wouldn’t be that difficult right now. I reckon the only reason you didn’t get trouble when you came in was because you looked about ready to kill someone, and now they just don’t think you’re worth it. Where’s the fun in beating up a tanked vamp? Look, Spike, man, I think you should head home okay? You’re breaking too many glasses even without a fight and you’re gonna polish off my whiskey the way you’re going. Why don’t you just head home and sleep it off. I don’t know what happened to set this drinking binge off and frankly, I don’t wanna know, but it can’t be that bad. Just go sleep it off and see how you feel after the massive hangover you’re in for okay?”
Spike growled and swiped at Willy, attempting to grab him by the collar. He missed without the other man even having to move and his momentum knocked him off balance sending him crashing to the floor. He lay there a bit stunned before he regained focus on the ceiling and groaned. Willy’s head popped over the bar and he shook his head at the blonde vamp struggling to sit up.
“What’d I tell ya? C’mon Spike, up you get, time to head home.”
Managing to haul himself shakily to his feet, Spike stumbled a bit then sniffed and ran a hand through his bleached hair, which upset his balance and made him stumble some more. He swung an arm out and clutched at the bar to steady himself.
“’S daylight out you git. You want me to burn to a bloody crisp?”
“Like sunlight ever stopped you before? Sewer’s that way pal,” he said, jerking a thumb towards the storeroom in the back.
“Bloody pillock. Don’ know why I bother comin’ here.”
“Neither do I man, neither do I,” Willy answered as he watched Spike stagger over to the back door.
He let out a sigh, relieved that the vamp was leaving. He was more trouble than he was worth, and dangerous when he was mad, but so long as he kept showing up in a foul mood, Willy would keep supplying the liquor. A drunk Spike was much easier to manage than an angry one. He just hoped that wouldn’t happen too often.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Remember to read 17 first. Okay so now Buffy's got some thinking to do and she's going to have to face up to the Scoobies.
We're all caught up to where I am in the story now so you're going to have to wait longer for updates from now on (sorry). I'll do my best to get the next chapter up as soon as I can though.
We're all caught up to where I am in the story now so you're going to have to wait longer for updates from now on (sorry). I'll do my best to get the next chapter up as soon as I can though.