Chapter 8
“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Spike, as in the evil vampire Spike, has feelings for you?”
Buffy rubbed her temples and looked back at her mother, sitting on the couch next to her. She’d been going over the events of last night a thousand times trying to work out when exactly Spike had decided he cared about her rather than trying to kill her before deciding she couldn’t deal with this on her own anymore. Normally she would have gone straight to Willow or Xander with her problems but Spike wasn’t too popular with her friends, especially Xander, and she couldn’t face telling them about her make-out sessions with him. Her Mom wouldn’t be too happy either but at least she seemed to tolerate Spike and hopefully could give her a solid opinion.
“For the thousandth time, yes Mom. Spike said he has feelings for me and that he’s respected me ever since the truce we made.”
“I’m sorry honey it’s just I’m having trouble taking this in. I mean he seems like a nice, um, vampire, as far as vampires go but don’t you two hate each other? Hasn’t he spent his time trying to kill you?”
Buffy leaned back on the couch.
“See that’s what I thought but lately he’s actually been trying to help me and he’s been almost…nice. It’s weird. Do you see what I’ve been dealing with?”
Joyce nodded and frowned while she struggled to understand. She was none too pleased with the idea of another vampire having an interest in her daughter but at least Spike was honest about himself and Buffy had told her what was going on.
“Buffy, is there any reason you can think of for his behaviour? Did you…lead him on maybe?”
Buffy froze.
“No.”
Joyce eyed her suspiciously.
“Buffy?”
Buffy sighed and hesitantly met her Mom’s eyes.
“Okay so I might have kissed him once…or twice, but he claims to have had feelings for me way before then and I never meant for it to happen, the first time I just felt needy and he happened to be there and then he took me by surprise the second time, I totally wasn’t expecting it.”
Joyce stared at her eldest daughter who finally paused for breath.
“You kissed him. Twice. Buffy, what were you thinking? Do you like him? When did this happen and what do you mean you were needy?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t really thinking at all, we just kissed. The first time was when I found out you were going to the hospital. I was really worried about you and Spike showed up out of the blue the way he does and helped distract me from all the scary thoughts of what might happen and somehow it just led to kissing. As for liking him…I really don’t know. I mean he’s my enemy or at least he’s supposed to be. It’s just really confusing.”
Joyce put her mug down on the coffee table and leaned back absorbing all this new information.
“So, you felt vulnerable and took comfort from Spike. This was when you were still with Riley?”
Buffy nodded glumly.
“May I ask if that had anything to do with why you two broke up?”
“No. We weren’t right together at all and I didn’t feel enough of what he wanted me to feel for him. I just never realised how different we were. Riley didn’t know about the kiss but Spike was one of the issues we couldn’t work out. Riley’s always hated him and he threatened to go after him even though he’s harmless with the chip. It was a side of him I didn’t like. It’s not like I chose Spike over Riley, but he was the one who was always there when I needed him and respected when I needed space. I didn’t expect that from him.”
“Well that’s news to me. I had no idea you and Riley had problems like that, although I have to admit that you did seem pretty distant those last few months. Now about this second kiss. You said he took you by surprise?”
“Yep. I was on patrol and he turned up. Of course I was expecting him to bring up the kiss but he didn’t, just kept talking about stuff he’d been doing when he wasn’t around for so long and then he just kissed me.”
“Okay. Now have I misunderstood about the Slayer strength thing? You couldn’t have maybe stopped him? You kissed him back didn’t you.”
It was really more of a statement than a question and Buffy squirmed under her Mom’s scrutiny.
“Pushing him away didn’t really occur to me at first, I was caught off guard, but then…Mom he’s a really good kisser. I know it sounds like a strange excuse but he’s had over a hundred years of experience and it really isn’t easy to stop when a guy kisses you like that.”
Joyce’s eyes widened and she blinked a few times. She wasn’t sure if she was happy or not that her daughter was choosing to be so honest with her, then again she could understand where she was coming from. She agreed that Spike probably did have a lot of talent, and she wasn’t blind. He was a very attractive man, um, vampire. Which was the problem wasn’t it.
“Whatever…experience…he may have the fact is you kissed him back and that would suggest that you wanted to kiss him. Are you attracted to him? Because that’s what he’s going to think.”
“I guess I am a little attracted to him…sorta…I mean he is kind of a hottie…but he’s also really irritating and a vampire and he doesn’t have a soul and he’s tried to kill me tons of times and he so wouldn’t be helping me without the chip.”
Joyce sighed. It was certainly complicated but she couldn’t honestly say she wanted her daughter seeing another vampire. On the other hand, she did want her to be happy. The problem was, she wasn’t sure what Buffy wanted.
“Sweetheart. You know how I feel about vampire’s and you…dating them, but I’d be lying if I didn’t at least say that even if it is just because of the chip, and after my previous experiences with both, I much prefer soulless Spike to Angel.”
“Mom! How can you say something like that?”
Joyce raised her hands defensively.
“All I’m saying is Spike has always been honest with me, right up to how evil he is…was…anyway, Angel was always the suspicious older man getting my daughter into trouble, can you blame me for liking Spike more? Not to mention he’s never tried to kill me.”
Buffy gaped at her mother, not quite believing what she was hearing. She always knew her Mom didn’t like Angel but was she actually rooting for Spike? How on earth could her Mom be telling Buffy to…to what? Give him a chance?
“Are you actually telling me to try dating Spike?”
“Let’s not be hasty. Of course I’m not telling you to date a vampire I’m just giving you my opinion on Spike with regards Angel. What I think you should do is figure out what you want. Whether or not you have feelings for him because it seems to me like you’re not sure if you do or not but that you do care about his feelings for you. Basically you need to decide where you stand, what you want and then talk to him, and you need to do it soon because he won’t stay away until he gets an answer. One thing I’ve learned about Spike is that he’s determined.”
“You’re right, I know you’re right, but how am I supposed to figure this out?”
“Afraid I can’t help you there Buffy. Only you can figure it out.”
“Yeah I know. Sometimes I really hate being the one that makes the decisions. Oh and Mom? Please don’t say anything about this to anyone. They’d freak if they found out and I really want to sort out my feelings before dealing with any interventions or attempted Spike stakings.”
“Of course I won’t say anything but their reactions are all the more reason for you to figure this out soon. Not telling them will hurt them more than anything you’ve done and who’s going to stake Spike?”
“Giles and Xander. Thanks Mom. Talking about it helped a little. I really needed to share this with someone before I drove myself nuts.”
Joyce smiled and gave her daughter a hug.
“You’re welcome honey. Let me know how things go okay?”
“How what things go?”
Joyce and Buffy jumped at the sound of Dawn’s voice. Neither had noticed her come in.
“Nothing,” Buffy jumped up from the couch, “you finished school already?”
Dawn narrowed her eyes at her sister and looked at Joyce who instantly averted her gaze, smiling as if everything was perfectly normal. No one tells me anything around here.
“I’m always home at this time. You two must have gotten really caught up in talking about nothing.”
Buffy grinned nervously at Dawn and Joyce continued to avoid meeting her youngest daughter’s suspicious eyes. Dawn huffed and headed for the stairs.
“Fine don’t tell me. I didn’t want to know anyway. It’s probably something stupid.”
Buffy exhaled in relief and shared a knowing and grateful look with her Mom.
“I guess I should go. Giles said the Council want to come here for a visit. Who knows what they want now. I need to figure this out before they get here and give me more trouble.”
“Good luck honey.”
“Thanks, I’ll need it.”
***
Praying that Spike wasn’t going to chance one of his reckless walks in the sunshine to confront her at the Magic Box, Buffy quickly made her way to the training room through the back door. She was hoping to avoid any conversations with the gang to give herself time to think things through.
Buffy began her breathing exercises and stretches before working out, all the time battling with her thoughts.
Say Spike does have feelings for me, he said he respected me after the truce, that I can understand, but when did that change to actually having feelings for me? And what does he mean by feelings anyway? He says it’s more than lust but what does that mean? He couldn’t actually…love me could he? No of course not you need a soul to love and he doesn’t have one.
She started working on the dummy, focusing her punches and checking her coordination.
But he loved Drusilla for a hundred years. Was that really love though? Not on her part that’s for sure, but Spike, he stayed with her and cared for her for so long. Maybe he really did love her. He refused to let her be harmed. What he felt for her went beyond what a vamp feels for their sire didn’t it?
Okay so say he can care about someone. What do I feel for him? I don’t want him to get hurt, I worry about him, which is a new experience. I’m attracted to him, which isn’t such a surprise. Annoying or evil he’s still hot. That’s really unfair. Why can’t normal guys look that good, or at least living guys?
Focus Buffy, his looks aren’t the issue here, even if they did contribute to your predicament. I want him. If I’m really being honest with myself I do want him. I’ve dreamed about him before. But I’m allowed to fantasize, it’s normal, you can’t control what happens in your dreams. But what we’ve been doing is real.
He’s mad that I ditched him. I didn’t mean to but I was freaked out, he just pulled that kissing stunt on me when I was confused. I needed time to think. And what was he doing getting himself beaten up like that? He knows demons don’t like him. He’s been helping me kill them for crying out loud.
Buffy paused to catch her breath and stretch.
He’s been helping me a lot actually. At first he just wanted to kill things but he’s been getting more involved in my battles. He helped Giles when he got turned into that Fyarl demon, for money of course but if he really was my enemy still he would have just killed him wouldn’t he? You’d think that’s what he’d want. Then he helped Tara when her family said she was a demon and wanted to take her away. He actually helped even though there was nothing in it for him. Maybe he is changing.
Buffy could here people moving around in the shop and recognised her friend’s muffled voices. They’d probably come looking for her soon. She decided to wrap up her training for now.
What does it mean if he is changing? Does it mean I should give him a chance? He won’t give up, like Mom said he’s determined, and I gave him a crumb. Should he have a chance? Do I want to give him a chance? Maybe I should go talk to him. I need to know what he really feels, or at least thinks he feels. I need to know if he can change. He’s an unusual vamp anyway. Maybe he does have the ability to be good without a soul.
Buffy was just about to head in when the door opened and Xander peeped around, grinning when he saw his friend.
“Hey Buff, Giles is back. He flew here ahead of the Council to talk things over with you. You ready to come out and see what the deal is?”
“Sure. Let’s get it over with. I’d rather know ahead of time what they have in store for me."
***
Giles was looking pretty worn out, whether from the flight or his visit with the Council, Buffy couldn’t tell but she guessed it was probably both.
They all gathered around their usual table, Giles sat in front of the stairs leading to the more dangerous books in the shop, Willow and Tara sat to his left while Anya and Xander sat on his right. Buffy decided to remain standing across from him. She knew this wasn’t going to be good news from the look on Giles’ face and she wanted to hold her position of authority in case she was asked to do something she didn’t like, reminding them who was in charge here.
“So Giles, what’s the scoop? Are they going to help us or not and why do they feel the need to pay us a visit?”
“They refused to give me any useful information on Glory while I was there. They say they will only discuss what they know with you in person. However, they do have information to share with us so at least we won’t be completely in the dark.”
“Alright. What’s the other reason for their trip here? I know them well enough to know there’s more going on here. What do they want Giles?”
Giles sighed and removed his glasses so he could rub his tired eyes.
“Travers wants to run an evaluation.”
“An evaluation?”
“Yes. Given the circumstances of you being without an official watcher and turning your back on the Council they want to see how capable you are as a Slayer and how you have managed to survive as long as you have. If you pass the evaluation they will share what they know with us.”
“They’re testing me. What happened to me being all they’ve got? What are they gonna do if they decide I’m not up to their standards?”
“Buffy you will pass. You are one of the longest lasting Slayers in history, there’s no way they can fail you.”
“Oh but they can Giles and we know what they’re like with their tests, or did you forget the cruciamentum?”
Giles winced at the reminder of how he’d betrayed Buffy’s trust because of Council’s orders.
“Of course I haven’t forgotten. My point is that you will pass, just like you did then, because you do things your own way. As you said what would they do otherwise? They can’t fight Glory without you, this test is just a formality and a way for them to reassert their authority.”
Buffy didn’t like the sound of this test at all. She wasn’t so sure the Council would play fair.
“Well since we don’t have a choice either I guess I just have to hope you’re right. Okay, there’s not much we can do for now until they get here so let’s just call it a night. I’m sure you could use some sleep Giles.”
He nodded gratefully and the others gathered their things, preparing to leave. Buffy was headed for the door when she heard Willow calling her.
“Buffy? You going on patrol?”
“Yeah, I’m just going to do a quick sweep and then head home.”
“You want some company?”
“No thanks Will. I doubt there’s much going on out there and I like the quiet. I won’t have much time to myself when the Council get here.”
Willow nodded and turned back to Tara while Buffy left. She wasn’t exactly telling the truth about patrolling. She was going to visit Spike and get the answers she needed to help her know what she really wanted with the peroxide blonde vamp.
***
Spike had woken up with one hell of a hangover. Thankfully his injuries had healed quite a bit and his lip had healed almost completely. He still had his black eye although the swelling had gone down considerably. He’d cleaned up his ear so all in all he wasn’t looking that bad. He still had a few bruises on his body but his limp was barely noticeable now. Healing was one vampire perk he was grateful for.
Thinking things over he was annoyed with himself for walking off on Buffy. He probably should have confronted her, but then he was right when he said he was too drunk and sore to deal with it. The last thing he needed was to have her beat him up as well.
And what the bloody hell was that about the soddin’ pool table? After he’d confessed his feelings that was all she had to say? He couldn’t understand her way of thinking. Was she going to be friendly with him or get angry or just ignore him completely? Was she just going to pretend she hadn’t heard what he’d said? Well there was no way that was happenin’. He wouldn’t let her forget and she had to know that. So what was the chit playin’ at?
Slipping on his jeans so he was at least decent if anyone barged in to his crypt but foregoing a shirt, he made his way upstairs to the fridge to get some much needed blood. He’d stocked up plenty and he was going to need it to heal faster. The sooner he was back to full strength the sooner he could get out there and interfere with the Slayer’s patrols. Maybe if he got in her way, taking out the nasties before she could she would give in and talk to him.
He gulped down his blood and smirked at the thought of how much it would piss Buffy off if he did her job before she did. At least that was one thing he was good at. He knew the only way she stood a chance of takin’ down that troll was if she got mad. Anger was her fire. She was a force to be reckoned with when the wrath of the Slayer was brought out in her. He hadn’t quite intended to piss her off that much. She’d completely flipped. Then again, she had been stressed over that Glory bird lately so all she needed was a little shove to send her over the edge. She might have gone to crazy town for a while but still it was beautiful. The way she moved, the look in her eyes. You knew she was gonna win with that look. And win she did. A trollgod and she wiped him out, it was no wonder he couldn’t kill her back when he was still tryin’ to. Although luck had been on her side quite a bit too.
Spike grabbed a bottle of whiskey and made his way over to the telly, pausing to light a few candles in the crypt on the way. Sure he had a hangover but once he got drunk again he wouldn’t feel it. No sense in soberin’ up this early. Besides the soaps were starting and he didn’t want to miss anything.
It occurred to him that his life could be a bleedin’ soap at this stage. He was hopelessly in love with Buffy, who supposedly hated him but obviously wanted him too, only she wouldn’t give in and be with him because of the way she’d been conditioned to think that because he was soulless, he couldn’t really feel and she placed so much value on her friend’s approval she wouldn’t let herself have what she wanted. They would be horrified if they knew she’d kissed Spike and been close to him so she kept it hidden and stubbornly refused to accept what had happened between them was anything real, and definitely not what she needed.
Spike took a large swig from the bottle and grimaced at the first taste of the fiery liquid making it’s way down his throat, burning him up from the inside, the same way she constantly burned him up, made him feel warm in a body that was long dead.
If only she’d give me a chance to prove myself. To prove to her that we could be so good together. We match.
He let out a resigned sigh, took another drink and stared blankly at the television screen, not really paying attention to anything happening on whatever program was on.
That’s never goin’ to happen though is it? She won’t let it. Never goin’ to get a chance to show her, even if she would hear me out there’s always something goin’ on, some big bad that has to be dealt with or some Scoobie crisis that needs fixin’ pronto. Never goin’ to have the time alone with her to let her find out.
Spike puzzled over his time with the Slayer lately and her wistful expression before she pushed him away flashed through his mind. If he could get her alone, bring her defences down, maybe she would be willing to find out. It was her job as the Slayer and the Scoobies that were holding her back. If she could just be herself with him for a few minutes without any pressure there was hope.
Told her she’d given me a crumb didn’ I? She knows I’m not givin’ up on her so maybe the fact that she hasn’ shown up here to shut me down already means she’s considerin’ it after all. Would I really be deluding myself if I think Buffy might think about lettin’ me in? That she might actually be curious about…us?
Time was going by quickly. She’d be on patrol soon. Maybe he could catch her alone again, only hopefully without any interruptions this time. He rose from his chair and switched off the telly he hadn’t really been watching and put his bottle back in it’s place by the fridge. He needed to grab a shirt and his duster and head out to find her. He was just about to drop down into the lower level of his crypt that served as his bedroom when his senses triggered.
Someone was approaching the crypt. He stayed perfectly still and focused. Light footfalls, getting closer, the scent, one he knew so well, a heartbeat, beating rapidly the closer she got to his door. Buffy was coming to him.
He grinned as he faced the door. For the first time, she was coming to him and it had nothing to do with looking for information on some demon, at least he hoped not. No, she knew he would bring up the one thing that had been plaguing his thoughts lately. She had to be here to discuss it to.
He waited expectantly while on the other side of the door she paused.
***
Outside, Buffy was willing herself the courage to continue. He was inside, waiting. She could sense him. She felt his presence and her breathing quickened. Ever since that night on the back porch his presence had been a source of comfort and peace for her. Now that she was facing up to all her conflicting emotions about him her nerves were winning out over any comforting sensations. She was about to face him and confront him about his feelings for her. She wasn’t sure she was ready for the answers she might get but she had to know. She couldn’t deny what was between them any longer.
Whatever happens, happens. Whether it means discovering he really has changed and I have feelings for him too and giving him that chance, or finding out he’s still just an evil vamp I should have dusted years ago, I have to know. This dance has to end tonight. Maybe then a new one will begin.
***
Spike was beginning to lose his confidence the longer she waited. He began thinking she’d flee again while she still had the chance.
Well sod that! I’m not lettin’ her get away again.
He took two steps forward with the intention of flinging open the door and dragging her inside when he sensed movement and he paused. Slowly the door began to open, creaking loudly. He watched as she entered cautiously, closing the door behind her.
He swallowed loudly. She looked marvellous by the soft glow of candlelight in his crypt.
“Buffy.”
“Spike.”
She looked up, facing him with a serious expression on her face.
“We need to talk.”
“That we do.”
They stood at opposite ends of the crypt facing each other. No more running. They were going to sort this out now. They just didn’t know where to begin.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So here's chapter 8. Remember to read 7 first as both went up today.