- - - - -
Chapter 4
To say Buffy was nervous as she walked toward The Shadow Gallery was an understatement. Ever since Wednesday night she had dreaded work on Friday knowing that she would have to see Spike again, that she'd have to face what had happened. She knew she couldn't go on ignoring his texts or calls like she had all day Thursday, but with every step she took near the bar she felt her heart speed up.
She quietly opened the front door, hoping to get in unnoticed and possibly hide in the back until The Flesh of the Passions were done practicing.
“Hey Buffy!”
Of course Clem would be the one to ruin that little dream.
Having no other options, she walked in to the bar, head held high and doing everything she could not to glace toward the band. She saw an older man and a woman around her age sitting at one of the tables near the stage next to Clem. She walked up to the table and tried her best to act like she didn't notice the certain bleached blonde watching her from the raised platform.
“Hey, what's going on?” Buffy asked.
“Buffy, this is the bands manager,” he said motioning toward the older man, “and his apprentice.” Clem said.
“Nice to meet you.” Buffy said with a smile extending her hand to the older man.
“Call me Giles.” The older man said standing and shaking her hand.
Buffy smiled and turned her attention to the woman. She stood and extended her hand as well. “Anya Jenkins,” she said, “you can call me Anya, or Miss Jenkins, or Anya Jenkins, or whatever you want.”
Buffy laughed quietly and shook Anya's hand. “Nice to meet you, too.”
“We've heard a lot about you.” Anya said.
Buffy's eyebrows furrowed as she glanced at Anya with a curious look. “Have you?”
“Oh, yeah!” Anya said. “I heard how you turned Spike down like a fool, and then he beat up your ex boyfriend and you guys hung out at the club last night.”
Clem glanced over at Buffy, a delighted look on his face.
Buffy tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Wow, you have heard a lot.”
“Do you plan on dating Mr. Pratt?” Anya asked.
“Anya.” Giles said in a warning tone. Anya simply smiled and sat back down as Buffy silently thanked God for this wonderful Giles guy.
“There's going to be an unannounced show here tonight.” Clem said.
Buffy cocked her head to the side. “Is that a normal thing to do?”
“Well, no, actually,” Giles said, “but when a band has a bar that they feel gave a home to them, it's not unheard of.”
Buffy nodded. “What do you need me to do?” She asked Clem.
“Just set up like we would for any other concert.” Clem said.
Buffy nodded and quickly turned on her heel and made her way behind the bar to start cleaning up for what was sure to be an interesting night ahead.
- - - - - -
Spike had noticed her the second she had walked through the door, even before Clem had called her name. She had ignored him the entire day before and he had no idea as to why. The night at the club they had kissed, but only once and everything seemed normal after that. She had no objections to letting Spike drive her and Willow back to their dorm and had even said she would call him the next day.
What the hell had happened?
As he watched her walk across the bar, he noticed that she was looking everywhere except up at the stage. He didn't want to seem like some sort of a stalker so he turned and continued to work on the set-list for that night, but he did notice her walk over and have a short conversation with Giles and Anya before practically fleeing behind the bar and cleaning everything off with a rag.
“Something happen with you two?” Oz asked, noticing the same strange behavior that Spike had picked up on.
“I'm not sure.” Spike said. He hadn't told Oz about the kiss and he was willing to bet that Buffy hadn't told her friend either.
“She didn't seem too happy to see you.” Oz commented. Spike turned and looked at his long time friend with a look in his eyes that just screamed 'do you want to be beaten to a bloody pulp?' Oz knew he was on some dangerous territory and decided to let the subject drop. “Let's just finish practice.”
Spike nodded and picked up his guitar. “Let's try that new song we've been working on.”
- - - - -
Buffy had just finished wiping down all of the tables and chairs when she heard the guys leave the stage and head over to the table to talk with Giles and Anya. Xander had just gotten in and was busy setting up the glasses and liquor the way he liked. His apartment had been pretty badly burned in the fire and he would be stuck living in another apartment until the damage was repaired.
Buffy walked up to the bar and threw her rag in to the sink behind it. “Hey Xan.” She said.
“What's up Buffster?” He said offering her a smile.
“Not much,” she said, “you need any help?”
Xander looked around him, pointing at things and seemingly checking them off of a list in his head. “I could use another case of those peanuts we keep in the stock room.”
Buffy nodded and walked through the small set of doors with the words 'Employees Only' on it and went in to the stock room. It was fairly organized and she found the case of peanuts easily, the only problem was that they were on the top shelf, far above her head.
“Can I help you out, luv?” Spike said from the doorway.
Buffy closed her eyes as her heart sank to her stomach. She quickly gained some composure and turned to meet his eyes, plastic smile on her face.
“No, I've got it.” She said before turning back to the shelves.
She stood on her tiptoes and hit the box multiple times with the tips of her fingers. Spike crossed his arms over his chest and watched her, thoroughly amused by her antics. Suddenly, the box lost its balance and came falling down. It would hit her if a pair of strong hands hadn't caught it and held it in place. He pulled the box down from the shelf and sat it in an opening on a lower shelf.
“Thanks.” She said grabbing the box and attempting to walk past him. Spike was having none of that. He extended his arm across the doorway, effectively blocking her only way out. Buffy sighed. “Can you let me out?” She asked, obviously annoyed.
“No.” He said simply.
She rolled her eyes and let out a sigh. “Spike.” She said warningly.
“You're ignoring me?” He asked.
“I am not.” Buffy said simply, trying to walk past him.
“Yes,” he said, still not letting her pass, “you are.”
Buffy sighed and sat the box back up on the shelf. “What makes you say that?”
“Well,” Spike said, cocking his head to the side, “you didn't answer my texts or phone call yesterday.”
“Maybe my phone's broken.”
“And you come in here today and don't even acknowledge me or the band on stage.” He said.
“I was late, needed to come and get my work done.” She defended.
“Bullocks.” He said, annoyance growing in his voice. “We kissed, Buffy.”
“So?” She said crossing her arms across her chest.
“So we kissed and now all of a sudden bitchy Buffy's back and I don't know what I did to make that happen.” He said.
“Oh, so you're calling me a bitch?” Buffy asked, anger evident in her tone.
“No, Christ, that's not what I mean.” Spike said running a hand through his hair.
“Well then why don't you say what you mean?” Buffy asked, the anger and frustration rising.
“I'm trying to all you want to do is screech at me and make me look like the bad guy.” Spike said, his own voice rising.
“You took advantage of me, I'd say you made yourself the bad guy.”
“How in the blood hell did I take advantage of you?!” He yelled.
“You kissed me!” She yelled back.
“Takes two to tango, luv!” He defended.
“I was drunk!” She screamed.
Spike scoffed, shaking his head. “Convenient little excuse.”
“What the hell does that mean?” She asked.
“I've spent a lot of sodding time in bars and clubs and I can tell when a girl has had too much. You were nowhere near that!” He yelled.
“So you're calling me a liar?!” Buffy yelled.
“I'm calling you scared!” He yelled. “For some stupid bloody reason you're terrified to let yourself admit that you wanted that kiss just as much as I did so you're trying to blame the alcohol! That's a fucking cop out and I don't buy it, Summers! Whatever the hell your damage is, you need to get over it and stop trying to blame every other bloody object, bloke, and drink on the planet! The only thing to blame here is yourself!”
Buffy glared at him from her spot against the shelves in the stock room. Her eyes were red and brimming with tears that were threatening to fall at any second. “Get away from me.”
Spike nodded once and pushed himself off of the wall with the hand that was still blocking her way. “No problem, I'm gone.”
With that he walked out of the stock room and through the main bar area. He could tell by the way everyone's eyes followed him that everyone there had heard the entire thing. At this point, though, he didn't care. He made his way across the room and over to the entrance. He opened the door and stepped outside, slamming the door loudly behind him.
Everyone looked at one another in stunned silence over what they had just overheard until Anya asked the question she thought was on everyone's minds.
“Think he'll be back for the show?”
- - - - - -
Willow was happily reading one of her random books that she had picked up from the school library and sipping some of the tea her mother had sent her when she heard the loud knocking on the door to the dorm she shared with Buffy. She cocked her head to the side, she wasn't expecting any visitors tonight and Buffy would still be at work. As another round of knocks assaulted her door, she rushed over to open it.
“Spike?!” She asked, surprise evident in her voice.
“Why is she making this so difficult?” Spike asked, barging in to the room.
Willow watched as he paced back and forth, obviously angry about something. “I'm assuming we're talking about Buffy here?”
“Who else would I be talking about?” He barked.
Willow's eyes widened. “Woah, hey, yeah, why don't you have a seat and we'll talk about whatever is going on.” Spike promptly flopped down on what he didn't even realize was Buffy's bed, legs spread apart, right elbow leaning on his knee as his hand held up his head. Willow sat down on her bed, crossing her legs underneath her and gingerly holding her tea. “Now what happened?”
“I don't have a bloody clue.” He said, a little louder than he had meant to. “We kissed the other night-”
“You kissed?!” Willow asked excitedly. Spike gave her a small nod. “Sorry,” she said, “I just didn't know that until now. Continue.”
Spike told her what had happened and Willow listened intently, asking questions when she had them and paying complete attention to what he was saying. Secretly, Willow had been hoping that the two would get together since the first time Buffy had told her about him and was willing to do what she could to help. She had even given the pairing a nickname in her head, Spuffy, even though she'd never tell them that.
“So then she told me to get away from her and now I'm here.” Spike finished. “I just don't know what to do. I never lose my head like this over a girl and she's just making it so bloody difficult. I mean, give a bloke a chance, yeah?”
Willow nodded. “You remember that guy Angel?” She asked.
“Big wanker with the five-head, yeah, I remember him. Remember kicking his ass, too. Maybe someone should remind Buffy of that little tidbit.” He said.
“Did Buffy ever tell you anything that happened between them?” Willow asked.
Spike shook his head. “She started to, told me something about him wanting to explore the world or some bloody bullshit.”
Willow sighed and sat her tea on the table next to her bed, deciding finally what to do. “Listen, Spike, she's probably going to kill me for this, but I think if I tell you about them you might understand why Buffy is acting the way she is.”
Spike sat back and got comfortable, he could tell this was going to be a long one.
“When she moved here, she didn't really know anybody. When we got paired together to be roommates, you should have seen how happy she was to finally have someone she knew by name. It was really sad, actually, and I felt bad for her so I introduced her to Xander. He liked her right away and tried so hard to get out of the friend zone, but it just never worked for them.” Willow said. “And then she met Angel. He was in her Chemistry class her first semester and they got paired up as lab partners. They hit it off right away and Buffy would come back to the dorm all excited telling me about how great Angel was and everything and they seemed really, really happy.
“That went on for about three months, but then Angel started getting weird. He always wanted to go out and get drunk with his friends, he would invite Buffy along but she wasn't in to really heavy drinking the way that Angel and his friends were so she was usually the mother hen of the group, making sure everyone was okay and seeing that everyone got home safe. She didn't necessarily enjoy it, but she would do anything she could to hang out with him and be the cool girlfriend that he wanted.”
Spike listened intently, hanging on every single word coming out of Willow's mouth. “So what happened?” He asked.
“Well,” Willow started again, “eventually she met Angel's friend from home, Dru, well, Druscilla actually. She and Buffy were civil, but they weren't friends. I thought it was weird that he had never mentioned her before then, but I didn't really say anything to Buffy about it. Dru was always really jealous of Buffy whenever she would hang out with Angel and she would start faking sick so that Angel would take care of her at the parties, sticking her finger down her throat to throw up and all that stuff. She was a real psycho, but Angel never saw it that way. She was his childhood friend and no matter what, he would put her before Buffy.”
“I can already see where this is going.” Spike groaned.
Willow shook her head. “Trust me, you have no idea.” She took a sip of her tea and then went on with the story. “Somehow Dru got it in her head that school was a waste of time and decided that she wanted to do a trip around the world while she was still young. She brought it up to Angel, and since his family has more money than God, he agreed to do it since he could always come back to school whenever he wanted. He told Buffy about it and wanted her to go with him, but Buffy's here on scholarship. If she leaves for even one semester, she's out for good and she doesn't have the money or family support to get herself through a school like Roth.”
“So he left her?”
Willow nodded. “He told her that she was doing nothing but holding him back, it was hard but Buffy was somewhat okay with it. She had her priorities straight and knew it would be for the best. She cried for like, a week straight but in her heart she knew it was for the best. Well, about a month goes by and a bunch of Angel's friends are throwing a going away party for him and they invited Buffy. I told her it wasn't a good idea to go, but she insisted that this would be her being a bigger person. She told me she was going to go for a couple hours and then come home, no drinking or anything.
“Well, she got there and this thing was huge. It was in one of the frat houses on campus and there was probably about 200 people there to give him a proper send off. By the time she got there, Angel was already apparently really, really drunk and he was just so happy to see her. He carried her around on his arm the entire time she was there, much to the dismay of Dru.”
“No,” Spike said shaking his head, “don't tell me this is going where I think it's going.”
“One thing led to another and they were eventually in one of the rooms, kissing and whatnot, and he tried to, you know, do things to her. She tried to push him away, but he's a lot bigger than her. She told him she didn't want to, but she said he was way too drunk at that point to even comprehend what she was saying, so she just went with it.”
“So he raped her.” Spike said, balling his hand in to a fist and knocking it against the mattress underneath him.
“That's what I said, but she didn't see it that way. She said that after they were done, doing the deed, they talked about everything. He told her that he still loved her and was going to tell Dru the next day that he wasn't going on the trip anymore and that they were going to get back together. She was so happy that night when she came home, but I knew it was a little weird.
“She went to see him the next day and he had absolutely no memory of even seeing her there. He told her that he was with Dru the entire night and that they were together now. He told her that he had finally gotten his childhood sweetheart and basically called her a freak and a liar. She was devastated and hasn't been with anyone since. He was her first love and he completely screwed her up.”
Spike nodded, he completely understood how that was.
“When you said she was scared, you were completely right. She is terrified of getting hurt like that again and is determined to keep everyone at arms length so it never happens.” Willow explained.
“Me yelling at her for trying to blame alcohol earlier probably didn't help things, either.” Spike said sadly.
“Well,” Willow said, “you didn't know.”
Spike nodded as he thought over everything that Willow had told him. “So what do I do?” He asked.
“You have to prove to her that you're not going to hurt her,” Willow said, “prove to her that you're not just after her for sex or a good time. She needs to be reassured that there are some good guys out there, and that you're one of them.”
“How do I do that?” Spike asked.
Willow smiled. “You'll figure something out.”
Spike looked at clock on Willow's nightstand. “Oh, bullocks, I've got to get back to the bar. We're doing a surprise gig tonight and a band can't go on without its singer.” He stood up and made his way to the door. Half way through the room, he stopped and looked back at Willow. “He really likes you, by the way,” Spike said, “Oz, that is.”
Willow's smile brightened. “He, he does?” She asked.
Spike nodded. “Yeah.” With that he left the dorm, but not quickly enough to miss Willow squeal in girlish excitement.
- - - - -
Spike practically flew back to the bar, head reeling with thoughts of Buffy. What Willow had told him had in fact helped him understand her and, at the same time, made him feel like complete shit for the way he had treated her earlier that day. He spun in to the employee parking lot and went in through the back door.
“Hey, man, you're back.” Bob said happily.
“Feeling better?” Oz asked.
He ignored both of them and moved over to where he had left the set-list earlier in the day. When he found it, he picked a pen off of the table next to him and wrote something down at the bottom. “We're adding a song to the list.” He said before walking off to go and put on his stage persona.
Oz and Bob both walked over to the piece of paper and looked at the song he had written at the bottom of the list. They looked at each other when they were done reading it and both knew exactly why they would be playing it.
- - - - -
News had spread about the bands surprise show and swarms of people smashed their way in to the bar. Every table and chair was occupied and the bar was crawling with customers. After the fight she had had with Spike earlier in the day, this was the last thing that she needed. She hadn't seen Angel, though, so that was a plus, but she knew she had enough tables to keep her occupied all night.
“Hey Buff.” Cordelia said as they met at the bar.
“Hey.” She said shortly. She handed her order over to Xander and walked away quickly.
“What's her deal?” Cordelia asked.
“You didn't hear?” Faith, another waitress, said as she handed her order over to Xander as well. “B and that Spike Pratt guy had quite the lover's quarrel in the stock room today.”
“Lover's quarrel?” Cordelia asked.
“Yeah,” Faith said, “apparently our baby Buffy got a little drunk the other night and played a game of tonsil hockey with Mr. Rock Star.”
“Oh my God! No way!” Cordelia said.
Faith nodded. “Yup. She said he took advantage of her.”
“Oh come on!” Cordelia said. “There's no way.”
“Way. I heard she's pressing assault charges.”
“Guys!” Xander yelled slamming his hands down on the counter. “They kissed. She was drunk. They had a fight. She is not pressing charges. Now stop talking about it and just do your jobs.”
“Temper, temper.” Faith said, raising her hands in a surrendering motion.
“Yeah, sorry Xander.” Cordelia said.
The two girls dispersed as the bar lights dimmed and the stage ones lit up. “Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Flesh of the Passions!” The crowd cheered and screamed as the curtain was pulled back and the band was revealed.
Buffy glanced up at the stage and her eyes immediately met Spike's. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in his different, yet startlingly the same, stage look. He had a pair of dark blue jeans, decorated with holes in all the right places, meeting with black combat boots a few inches from the floor. He was wearing a black t-shirt adorned with safety pins and holes littered throughout it. The neckline was hand cut in to a low, skinny V shape and he had a padlock necklace and a pair of dog tags hanging from his neck. Instead of his hair being slicked back, it was spiked straight up and black eyeliner framed his shockingly blue eyes.
He kept his eyes locked with hers as the first few strums of his guitar filled the air.
Do you want to be happy,
do you want to have fun?
Take on buried treasure,
I could be the one.
He tore his eyes away from her's and turned his attention to the rest of the crowd as he continued to sing.
Hear me, out, he-ere.
Hear me, out...
Buffy shook her head and walked up to one of her tables. “Is everyone doing okay?” She asked.
“Yeah.” One of the guys answered.
I can't describe,
Just can't subscribe.
My televisions, glad to be alive.
“Another round, please.” Another asked. She nodded and looked back up at the stage, a not expecting to see him looking at her, let alone for him to start singing to her.
You say I can't relate to you,
Some things I need to prove.
Can't find the right words to use
Brainwaves won't pass through.
She turned away from him and made her way back to the bar as the instrumental break gave Spike a small break. He had never actually done this before, sang directly to someone in the audience, but certain points in this song said what he really wanted to say to her. As he always did, he followed his instincts and hoped that this time they wouldn't get him in trouble.
Buffy walked behind the bar and gave Xander her tables order. From here she could see the entire band and had to admit that they weren't the worst band she had seen up there. She watched as Spike engaged the crowd and posed for photos before it was his time to sing again.
When I wake up from seizures on an island full of slaves,
All I see is smiles from the lack of brainwaves.
There is no thinking so I check my mind in at the door,
Nothing to contemplate I won't need it anymore.
There was a smaller instrumental break and Buffy saw him glace around the crowd to find her again. She didn't know how he saw her from so far across the room, but somehow she knew he did.
Ignorance it must be bliss,
Never dealing with things like this.
Thinking happy comes from a kiss,
Regret all you've missed.
The crowd cheered as the song ended and Spike nodded in thanks. “Thank you!” he said, igniting another round of applause. “We are The Flesh of the Passions, and we think you are all a bunch of animals.” Bob began to play the drums and Spike continued to talk over them. “So when this shit kicks in,” he said, “get up off the floor... JUMP!”
- - - - -
About two hours later, the show was coming to a close and Buffy couldn't have been more happy. The entire time they had been playing, she could feel Spike's eyes on her and she was sure by the looks she was getting that she wasn't the only one who had noticed. All of her tables had been taken care of and she had a few minutes of a break. The final notes of a song Buffy didn't know rang out through the bar as the crowd erupted in cheers and applause again. She stood in the middle of the bar and looked around, trying to find anyone that needed anything.
“We have one more song we'd like to play for you tonight.” The crowd cheered as Spike took a drink out of a water bottle and tuned up his guitar a bit. “There's a special girl out there in the audience tonight that's been running through my head for the last couple of days. I'm not going to embarrass her by saying her name or anything, but, if she could just listen to this song, hear what it's saying... I would really love for her to hear it.”
Buffy felt as if all eyes were on her as she stood in the middle of the floor, looking up at the stage with questioning eyes.
He looked over at her for a moment, eyes locking with hers again. “This one's for you.”
He began to strum his guitar and Buffy noticed Oz and Bob give one another an 'I told you so' look as they began to play their parts along with him.
You cannot quit me so quickly,
There's no hope in you for me.
No corner you could squeeze me,
But I got all the time for you, love.
The space between,
The tears we cry,
Is the laughter, keeps us coming back for more.
The space between,
The wicked lies we tell,
And hope to keep safe from the pain.
But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me,
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking,
These twisted games we're playing.
Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she listened to him sing.
We're strange allies,
With warring hearts.
What wild-eyed beast you be?
The space between,
The wicked lies we tell,
And hope to keep safe from the pain.
Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...
He suddenly jumped off of the stage and made his way over to her, singing the entire way.
Look at us spinning out in,
The madness of a roller coaster.
You know you went off like a devil,
In a church in the middle of a crowded room.
All we can do, my love,
Is hope we don't take this ship down.
As he finally reached where she was standing, his voice was so full of raw emotion that she could barely stand it.
The space between,
Where you're smiling high,
Is where you'll find me if I get to go.
The space between,
The bullets in our firefight,
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you.
The rain that falls,
Splash in your heart,
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The space between,
Our wicked lies,
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain.
He turned and walked back up to the stage, jumping back up and finishing off the song, eyes locked back on hers.
Take my hand,
'Cause we're walking out of here.
Oh, right out of here,
Love is all we need here.
The space between,
What's wrong and right,
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you.
The space between,
Your heart and mine,
Is the space we'll fill with time.
The space between...
As the song ended and the crowd let out their final round of applause, Spike was focused only on her, hoping that she had understood what he was trying to convey to her through the song. The last thing he was expecting was for her to run off and out the back door of the bar.
- - - - -
The cool night air was a blessing in disguise as Buffy rushed outside. She couldn't handle everyone's eyes being on her and she just needed to get out of there. She had heard the song on the radio before, but it had never been that intense. Then again, she had never had someone sing it directly to her, either. She leaned against the wall behind her and rested her head against the cool brick.
She turned when she heard the heavy metal door screech open and wasn't surprised to see Spike come rushing out of it. He looked around for her and almost missed her in the darkness that had overtaken the parking lot. She lifted her head and the two simultaneously walked toward one another. They stood face to face, silently, for a few moments, neither one knowing who was going to be the first to speak.
Spike sighed heavily. “Can we talk?” He asked.
Buffy didn't say anything, she simply nodded and let him lead her to his car.
- - - - -
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Author's Chapter Notes:
The songs used in this chapter are Blocking Brainwaves by Ghost of the Robot and The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band. I fully suggest opening up youtube and listening to them while reading their parts in this chapter. Kind of adds to the experience and helps get you a little closer in to my world.
I'll be using a lot of Ghost of the Robot songs in this fic simply because it's James Marsters' band and I just love the songs.
I'll be using a lot of Ghost of the Robot songs in this fic simply because it's James Marsters' band and I just love the songs.
Chapter End Notes:
Reviews please? I'm going to try and start writing the next chapter now. I'm sick as a dog with nothing better to do, so you all will benefit from my suffering. I know, I'm a total martyr. ;)
Love & Lust,
-T.
P.S. I'd like to take a moment to thank not only my reviewers, who I love endlessly for their support and kind words, but also the people who even take the time to subscribe to alerts for this story. I believe there are quite a few of you out there joining me on the magnificent ride and words can not describe how excited and grateful that makes me. I love each and every one of you. :)
Love & Lust,
-T.
P.S. I'd like to take a moment to thank not only my reviewers, who I love endlessly for their support and kind words, but also the people who even take the time to subscribe to alerts for this story. I believe there are quite a few of you out there joining me on the magnificent ride and words can not describe how excited and grateful that makes me. I love each and every one of you. :)