“Ok, I have the books from Andrew on vengeance demons … all two of them,” Dawn started, rolling her eyes. “Got our passports, airline tickets, your credit cards, rental car reservations, clothes, shoes – what else do we need?” Dawn asked Buffy as she sat her bounty down on the kitchen table.
Dawn had gone back to the apartment she shared with Buffy and Riley and packed a couple of suitcases, one for herself and one for Buffy, while Riley was at work. Then she’d met Andrew at a small confectionery shop not far from the Council’s castle to get the books from him, before heading back to the flat where she and Buffy had been staying since the ‘jailbreak’.
“Dawn,” Buffy started slowly, “I really think you need to stay here – I’ll take care of this myself.”
“No way … I thought this was settled – I’m coming with!” Dawn exclaimed in frustration.
“Dawn, you need to get back to your classes – you’ve missed too much time already on account of me …” Buffy argued for the fiftieth time since breaking the news on Monday night about needing to go back to California.
Dawn sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. “I’ll just take an incomplete this term and take the classes over … it’s no big! Helping you is way more important.”
“Dawn, please,” Buffy begged. She knew Dawn had worked hard to get into Oxford, she didn’t want to be the reason she got kicked out.
If Buffy couldn’t get things set right … well, she really didn’t want to think about that, but in truth she had no real confidence in her ‘plan’; not in Doyle or the Oracles or her ability to even find Hallie, who could be sitting on a beach in the shrimpless-dimension, sipping a margarita and laughing right now – the whole thing was a long-shot. There were so many obstacles in her way and it seemed that the PTB had abandoned her and Spike completely. Buffy felt pretty much alone in her mission – if not for Dawn, she would be completely alone and, if she failed to get Spike and her family back, then this would be their life. She owed it to Dawn to be the adult now, and, as the adult, she knew that Dawn needed to stay in school, just in case.
“No. This discussion is over. I’m coming with you,” Dawn insisted. “What if you fall asleep and get attacked? Who would wake you up? Plus, your shoulder still needs cleaning and medicine … who’s gonna do that? So, just forget it – I’m coming with.”
Buffy sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Dawn had good points, but she still felt bad about her missing her classes. “Are you sure you won’t be kicked out for missing the classes?” Buffy asked with genuine concern.
“Totally – I checked on it today when I was out and ‘family crisis’ counts as a valid reason to take an incomplete and re-schedule the classes for later. And my sister trying to get her family back is about as crisis-ey as it gets.”
Buffy smiled at her sister. “Thanks…”
“That’s what family’s for, right?” Dawn replied with a smile of her own. “Now, is this gonna be enough shoes?” she asked Buffy, opening the suitcase that she’d packed for her sister.
**~**
“Tell me about Spike,” Dawn requested as she and Buffy settled in for the long flight from London to L.A. “What does he look like?”
Buffy smiled softly; she blinked tears back and took a deep breath. “How to describe Spike …” Buffy mused with a grin, biting her bottom lip. “You know who Billy Idol is?”
“Yeah … Andrew has a crush on him – he has a poster of him tacked up in the back of his closet that he thought no one knew about,” Dawn told Buffy conspiratorially.
Buffy laughed – Andrew obviously had a ‘type’ … bad boys with hot bods and bleach-blond hair, which, coincidentally, was Buffy’s type, too. “Well, Billy Idol got his look from Spike…”
“No way!”
“Way!” Buffy confirmed with a nod. “He’s got platinum blond hair and the bluest, most expressive eyes you’d ever want to see, and these cheekbones that are so sharp you’d think they’d cut you when you touched them, and his lips are …” Buffy cleared her throat. “Umm…well, anyway, I guess you could say he’s pretty good looking.”
“And he liked me?” Dawn asked in amazement.
“Yeah – like a sister!” Buffy clarified quickly. “Dawn, you were a kid …”
“Still – I had a friend that was a total hottie!” Dawn smirked. “I bet Riley totally hated him.”
Buffy laughed. “You’re a smart girl.”
Dawn looked at Buffy and shook her head.
“What?” Buffy asked her.
“Just you – you’re so different than … you,” Dawn tried to explain. “You’ve lost everything and you can still laugh.”
“Well, I do my share of crying, too,” Buffy admitted softly, looking down at her hands. Buffy smiled faintly and looked back up at Dawn before continuing, “Spike showed me how to laugh again when I came back, how to feel again – it would be like … like giving in and saying that never happened if I stopped, like saying Spike didn’t matter. It would be letting the husband stealing, margarita sipping, skanky-whore-rat win without a fight.”
Dawn snorted a soft laugh and nodded – Buffy’s devotion to Spike made Dawn wish she remembered him, remembered that world with him in it, even more.
“Dawn?” Buffy asked in a serious tone.
“Yeah?”
“Did I … did I do the right thing by marrying Riley? I mean for you, was it the right thing for you?” Buffy asked with hesitation.
Dawn sighed heavily and blew out a long breath. “Riley protected me when you were gone … he and Giles were the leaders when you died, and Riley did a good job of keeping us all safe and making sure we had food and stuff…”
“But?” Buffy asked, knowing that wasn’t the full story.
Dawn shrugged. “But…he turned back into total ‘GI Joe commando man’ when you were gone – which I guess he kinda had to, but… Buffy, I think I might’ve been better off going to live with Aunt Arleen …”
Buffy nodded and looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry …”
“No, Buffy – don’t be. You did what you thought was best for me. Everything you did was for me. I’m the one that’s sorry. Willow and Tara even tried to get him to send me to Aunt Arleen’s, but he wouldn’t. He said you had made him promise to take care of me and that’s what he was gonna do…even if it meant living in the basement and hiding from the demons and eating month-old Little Debbie ‘Banana Twin’ cakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not really the dream summer for a teenage girl, but I survived.”
Buffy scrunched up her nose. “He couldn’t find anything chocolate to feed you? No Twinkies or Ho-Hos? I read once that they have a shelf life of like ten years…”
Dawn laughed lightly and shook her head. “We were chocolate deprived.”
Buffy’s voice turned serious again. “In the other world, Spike promised to take care of you – and he did. He helped keep the demons out of town for a long time. He loved you, Dawnie, he loved you like family.”
Dawn smiled. “I don’t think Riley really loves me like that … I think it was just like a duty – like I was his mission.
“So…” Dawn started, changing the subject away from Riley. “Tell me more about Spike. Is he tall or short … thin, like Billy Idol, or thick, like Ril … ummm … Angel?”
Buffy smiled again. “Tall enough, not too tall – being good looking and athletic is his cross to bear… and he bears it really well. But, you know the best thing about Spike?” Buffy asked her sister.
“What?” Dawn asked, leaning in towards Buffy, her eyes going wide in anticipation of some juicy detail.
“His most beautiful bits are the ones you can’t see … his heart, his soul, his passion for life, his devotion to our family, his loyalty … Those are the things I miss the most,” Buffy admitted sadly as tears stung her eyes.
**~**
It was about noon when Dawn pulled the rental car up to the edge of the crater that had at one time been Sunnydale and put it in park.
“Home, sweet home,” Dawn kidded before she and Buffy both got out of the car.
Buffy’s infection was getting better almost by the hour since she’d woken up, but it still hurt and the bones hadn’t mended yet. She kept it in the sling that Dawn had liberated … from where, Buffy didn’t know or ask. With the help of ‘No-Doz’ pills washed down with Red Bull, she’d managed to not fall asleep on the plane or in the car on the ride down from L.A., but she knew that sooner or later she was going to have to sleep; she just hoped she could put it off until her shoulder was healed enough to face the spider gauntlet and the werewolf air force. She wanted desperately to get back to Spike, but she wouldn’t do either one of them any good if the spiders or another werewolf caught her.
Buffy stood on the edge of the crater that had been her town, her home, for so many years and tears stung her eyes. The town where she and Spike and all their friends had lived and loved and fought the forces of evil and had their children; the town that Buffy thought they would raise their children in, the town that she assumed she and Spike would probably always live in, was gone. Totally obliterated, just like Spike, just like her family, just like most of her friends… Buffy closed her eyes to it and bit down on her bottom lip to keep from screaming out in frustration and pain and anger. Why couldn’t people just leave them alone? Was that too much to ask?
“So, how exactly are we going to find this needle in the haystack?” Dawn asked, pulling Buffy from her thoughts as Dawn looked out over the barren wasteland that had once been their town.
“I have no idea… Doyle said I should be able to sense it, like a vampire…” Buffy offered, opening her eyes and looking more than a little overwhelmed by the enormity of the crater before them. “Theoretically, it should be under the high school, right?”
“Theoretically,” Dawn agreed. “And just where might the high school be?” she asked, looking over the desolate landscape.
Buffy shrugged. “One way to find out,” she offered as she walked to the very edge of the crater and looked for the tunnels that Doyle said were there. She hoped they weren’t rat-hole tunnels that you had to crawl on your belly to get through … that would be bad; her shoulder would never make it.
“I don’t see anything, do you?” Dawn asked, joining her at the edge.
Buffy let out a long breath. “Nope… You stay here, I’m going down to see if I can figure anything out.”
“No way! I’m not letting you go down there alone!” Dawn objected.
“I’ll be fine – I’m just gonna look around, see if I can find any of these tunnels…”
“Ok, let me put it another way – I’m not staying here all alone. What if one of those ugly vamps is still alive and comes up here and attacks me?” Dawn argued.
“Then, I’d say you’d win ‘cos he’d be a big pile of dust. It’s the middle of the day, Dawn.”
“A Bringer then,” Dawn amended, folding her arms across her chest. “I’m coming with …”
Buffy sighed. “Ok, fine – just be careful. We don’t both need to be crippled up – one lame duck is enough. Get the flashlight out of the car – if we find a tunnel, we’ll probably need it.”
Buffy sat down on the edge of the crater and began inching her way down the side on her butt and, after retrieving the flashlight, Dawn followed her lead. Although it was steep, it wasn’t nearly as steep as the crater wall that Buffy’d been scaling in her dreams, and it was a lot less rocky. Plus, there were no spiders or werewolves to worry about – this was like a walk in the park compared to that.
Dawn, however, wasn’t as experienced with such matters. About halfway down the side, Dawn lost her footing – the sand and small rocks under her started to slide unchecked down the side of the crater. She tried to dig her heels into the sandy surface, but they just slipped through it as more and more of the sand started to fall like an avalanche down the side, sending Dawn sliding faster and faster down towards Buffy.
“Buffy!” Dawn yelled as she tried to claw onto the side of the crater and stop her momentum to no avail.
About the time Buffy turned around to see what was going on, Dawn hit her and they both tumbled down the steep side of the crater towards the floor, gaining speed as they went. When they hit the bottom, the floor gave way and dropped them both another ten feet down into a cavern that had been hidden under the surface.
Buffy writhed in pain, holding her arm and shoulder and rolling around on the sandy floor of their landing zone as Dawn tried to get her breath back, which had been knocked out of her when she landed.
When Dawn’s lungs finally stopped feeling like they were being ripped out and she got some air back into them, she crawled over to Buffy to check on her. Buffy was laying perfectly still, her eyes closed as she held her bad arm firmly against her chest.
“Are you okay?” Dawn asked, afraid to touch her lest she cause her sister more pain. “I’m so sorry!”
“Spike was right, if you don’t move and don’t think it doesn’t hurt as much,” Buffy replied, still keeping her eyes closed as she tried to breathe through it and hope the stabbing pain was temporary.
“I’m really sorry …” Dawn lamented.
“It’s ok …” Buffy assured her finally opening her eyes. “The good news is, I think we found the catacombs – and I now know firsthand what the term ‘arse over tits’ feels like.”
“Catacombs?” Dawn questioned. “I thought you said ‘tunnels’.”
“Tunnels, catacombs … same thing,” Buffy reasoned as she sat up slowly.
“Not exactly … catacombs are like … underground burial grounds,” Dawn pointed out.
“Well, that fits … the whole town is a cemetery now – everything’s buried here. Our whole lives are buried here,” Buffy observed, looking around the small cavern they’d fallen into.
“Help me up,” she requested of Dawn holding her good arm out. Dawn stood up and pulled Buffy up behind her as they both looked around the cavern there were in. In one corner, half sticking out of the wall of the cave, was the bright yellow and orange ‘Welcome to Sunnydale’ sign.
“Welcome to Sunnydale,” Buffy mocked as she picked up the flashlight from the ground, turned to the only passageway leading out of the cavern, and started walking. “Enjoy your stay…”
**~**
Buffy was more than a little relieved to find that the tunnels under the surface of the crater were mostly tall and wide enough for her and Dawn to walk through. There were some steep inclines which took them down deeper under the surface, which they both slid down on their butts, and some areas where they had to crawl over debris to get past, but mostly it was fairly easy going. Buffy kept trying to sense the amulet or Angel, but she hadn’t gotten any tinglies that felt like him. When they’d come to forks in the tunnels, Buffy would just close her eyes and try to let her intuition, senses, kismet or whatever it was, guide her. She really had no idea where they were going, if they were even going in the direction of the high school anymore, or how they were going to find their way back out of the maze of tunnels.
Buffy could tell that Dawn was getting tired – they had no water or food with them, and she felt like they were quite deep under the surface now with only the light from the flashlight to see by, making her worry about possibly running out of oxygen or the possibility of being buried alive by a cave in. Buffy’s shoulder was aching and whenever they had to crawl or climb, sharp knives stabbed at her from the inside out. Buffy was starting to fear that this had been a really bad idea, but there wasn’t much choice now – the only choices were to go forward or go back, and Buffy hated going back, so she kept plodding forward and Dawn followed her without complaint.
When they came to a wide place in the tunnel, Buffy sat down on some concrete blocks and motioned for Dawn to do the same. Dawn sighed heavily when she plopped down, thankful for the rest.
“Do you know where we are?” Dawn asked, rubbing at her tired legs and trying to get some feeling back into them.
“Not exactly …” Buffy admitted.
“Can you sense the amulet?” Dawn asked hopefully.
“Not exactly…” Buffy admitted again.
“Do you know how to get back to the car?” Dawn asked with growing concern.
“I thought you were dropping breadcrumbs…” Buffy teased, before sighing heavily and saying, “Not exactly…”
“Oh. Well, that’s not exactly encouraging,” Dawn pointed out with a sigh as she rested her head against the side of the cave and closed her eyes.
“I do feel something … it just doesn’t quite feel like vampire tinglies,” Buffy tried to assure her sister. “Maybe I’m just out of practice,” she supplied, although she was sure, after all the time she spent with him when Angel/Liam showed up in Sunnydale, that she would know what Angel felt like, if the amulet wasn’t somehow distorting the ‘signal’.
“We’ve come this far … let’s keep going,” Buffy suggested. “Do you need to rest longer?”
“No, I’m good,” Dawn said, giving her sister a weak smile and standing up again. “Onward ho!”
“Hey! House rule number four - no name calling!” Buffy protested as she stood up, giving Dawn a stern look. Dawn just shook her head and rolled her eyes … this Buffy was definitely way more fun than the old Buffy, even if they were lost in the Sunnydale catacombs with no idea how to get back.
Buffy sort of wished Dawn would’ve wanted a longer break – she could’ve used it herself, but she dared not say so now. She’d gotten them into this, she needed to find a way to get them out; so she trudged forward, trying to figure out what it was that was tickling the hairs on the back of her neck.
About fifty yards further down the tunnel they were in, the tinglies Buffy was feeling started getting stronger and her hopes that the amulet was near rose. She started moving faster down the tunnel as her whole body felt like it was being pulled forward – but it still didn’t feel like Angel … it felt like …
“Oh my God,” Buffy muttered as she came to a dead stop and Dawn bumped into her back, making them both stumble forward.
“You should signal before you stop like that – didn’t they teach you anything in driver’s ed’? Oh wait! I forgot – you failed driver’s ed!” Dawn defended when Buffy grabbed her shoulder and winced in pain. “Why did you stop like that, anyway?”
Buffy stepped over to one side of the tunnel and began wiping dirt and dust and debris off a partially buried wooden sign. “Oh my God,” she muttered again as her suspicions were confirmed. “Shadow Valley Vineyards,” Buffy announced, shining the flashlight on the sign and filling in the missing letters, which remained buried.
“You should go on ‘Wheel of Fortune’,” Dawn advised, looking at the sign and only seeing 'Shad…Vine.'
Buffy closed her eyes and concentrated before she began walking quickly down the tunnel, then turning off onto a side tunnel, with Dawn following quickly at her heels. “What is it?” Dawn asked from behind her sister.
“The scythe,” Buffy told her as she moved quickly down the narrow passageway.
“I thought we were looking for an amulet,” Dawn pointed out.
“We are … but I need to get this first,” Buffy assured her as she came to a dead end in the tunnel. She recognized the stones and rocks that the vineyard’s wine cellar had been constructed out of at the end of the passageway and she began kicking at the wall with all her strength, which sent bolts of stabbing pain down from her shoulder through her whole body, but she gritted her teeth against the hurt and kept going.
“Buffy! Stop! What are you doing?” Dawn exclaimed, looking up above them at the unsupported ceiling of dirt and debris.
“Making a door,” Buffy replied as she held her arm against her chest and continued kicking at the rocks, which started to give way under her assault.
“A door to where? Limbo? Because I’m really not in a hurry to get there, what with the spiders and werewolves and all,” Dawn pointed out, backing up away from Buffy and the crumbling wall in front of her.
Suddenly, the wall blocking Buffy’s path crumbled completely, filling the air in the passageway with dust and dirt. They both coughed and covered their mouths and noses with their shirts as Buffy climbed over the remains of the wall and entered the cavern under the vineyard where the scythe had been hidden – where Caleb and the First and the Bringers had been working to free it from its stone prison.
When the dust cleared a bit, Dawn followed her into the cavern and joined her sister as Buffy stood next to the scythe, still buried in the stone. “This is what Spike helped me find …” Buffy informed Dawn. “This holds the power of all the Slayers from the beginning of time to the end of time. This was the only thing that could really hurt Caleb and the uber-vamps in my world,” Buffy continued as she pulled it from the stone with her good hand, holding it up for Dawn to see.
“Wow … you’re like King Arthur or something,” Dawn murmured in awe.
“Nope, just a Slayer,” Buffy pointed out as she closed her eyes and felt the magic and power of the scythe in her hand. It made her feel like anything was possible – like she was going to be victorious; she was going to get her family back, after all. Buffy could actually feel her shoulder healing as she held the scythe – feel the bones knit and the infection die. That had never happened before with the scythe, and she sent a silent prayer to the Guardians for the extra magic held within the relic – at least they were still on her side, even if no one else seemed to be.
“Oh my God!” Dawn exclaimed and Buffy opened her eyes and raised the scythe, afraid that Caleb or a Bringer had suddenly appeared to defend their prize. But, instead of a big bad, what Dawn had discovered was a barrel of wine … undamaged and still full of its savory, wet goodness. “I’m dying of thirst,” Dawn moaned as she moved over to the barrel and tried to get the cork stopper out of the bunghole in the top of it.
Buffy came over and Dawn backed up and cheered when Buffy pulled the stopper out of the barrel. After looking around the cavern for a couple of minutes with their light, they’d each found an earthenware mug and Buffy tilted the barrel down until the wine poured out as Dawn held the mugs under the red liquid.
“Do you think it’s still good?” Buffy asked as she took one mug from Dawn.
“I don’t care if it’s vinegar at this point – it’s liquid and I’m thirsty!” Dawn replied, as she gulped it down.
Buffy smelled hers first, it smelled ok … then took a sip – it was pretty good! Buffy drank hers down and handed her mug back to Dawn so she could refill them. Apparently 2003 had been a very good year for evil vineyard wine… not so good for evil vineyards, though.
Before long, Dawn and Buffy had consumed several cups of the sweet, red wine each and were feeling no pain. Everything was suddenly hilarious to them as Buffy related stories to Dawn about Spike and their children – about Willow and Tara and their wedding/handfasting and how Tara’s father had tried to stop it, about Giles and his iPod that Spike had given him for Christmas, and about Xander and Anya and JJ.
“Anya actually told Annie she’d gotten orgasms for her birthday?” Dawn asked, giggling uncontrollably.
“Anya thinks that just ‘cos kids are short, that they can’t hear very well … Spike says she has a ‘big bloody mouth’,” Buffy laughed, mimicking Spike’s accent at the end as she remembered the look of utter disbelief on Spike’s face when he told her that Annie had asked for an orgasm for her birthday.
“Oh God! I never thought of asking Mom for that for my birthday!” Dawn exclaimed, taking another sip of her wine. “Would she have died or what?!”
Buffy laughed and rolled her head back against the barrel she was leaning on. “I’m not having any more birthdays,” she announced solemnly. “Birthdays lead to badness … you get older and the world as you know it ceases to exist.”
“To no more birthdays!” Dawn toasted, holding her cup up towards Buffy. Buffy went to clink her mug against Dawn’s, but hit it so hard she broke both mugs into little pieces, leaving both girls holding just the handles in their hands, which just sent more waves of laughter washing over both of them.
When their laughter died, they both fell silent for a long while – each contemplating their own memories of birthdays past and what might await them on their next. Dawn moved over and sat next to Buffy, both girls leaning their backs against the wine barrel, and laid her head on Buffy’s good shoulder. “Do you remember that song Mom used to sing?” Dawn asked softly.
Buffy wrapped her arm around Dawn’s shoulders and tucked Dawn’s head under her chin before singing softly to her. It was a song Joyce used to sing while she worked around the house while picking up after her daughters or doing the laundry or dishes. It seemed like forever since Buffy had thought of it…
{{Click here to hear "Moon River” by Audrey Hepburn (Breakfast at Tiffany’s) on YouTube }}
“♫Moon river, wider than a mile,
I’m crossin’ you in style some day,
Oh, dreammaker,
you heart breaker,
where ever you're goin',
I'm goin' your way.
Two drifters, off to see the world,
There’s such a lot of world to see,
We’re after the same rainbow’s end,
waitin’ ’round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
moon river, and me.”
When Buffy had finished, Dawn was sleeping soundly, her head on Buffy’s shoulder as they sat on the floor of the cavern under the vineyard – the buried vineyard in the buried town of Sunnydale that held the buried ghosts of Buffy’s life. Buffy pulled the scythe closer to her other side until it was resting against her leg, within easy reach, switched the flashlight off, and laid her head against Dawn’s – closing her eyes, as the effort of the day, the lack of sleep, and the wine overtook her body and she joined Dawn in slumber.
**~**
Buffy jumped up from the cold floor of the crater when she felt the wind whipping past her, blasting her skin with icy sand, and started running towards the familiar wall that had a ledge she could reach in one jump. Suddenly, she realized that she wasn’t empty-handed this time, and she stopped abruptly as the spiders slithered out of the sand at her feet and began to surround her. Buffy swung the scythe low, holding the blade against the sand and turning in a fast circle – round and round and round, as the spiders approached her. The red sand was soon filled with small bits of black, hairy spider parts all covered in bright purple blood and viscera. When the sand under her feet stopped undulating, Buffy stopped twirling and just turned in a slow circle, holding the scythe at the ready as she waited for another wave to attack … but none came.
Buffy stood up straight and snorted out a laugh. “Not so tough now, are you? Who needs a Veg-O-Matic when I have this?” Buffy asked rhetorically, holding the scythe up with both hands. “It slices, it dices, it juliennes!” she announced victoriously before she began picking a path through the spider debris towards the wall of the crater. “Not sure if it’s dishwasher safe, though…”
Buffy climbed up the wall of the crater from ledge to ledge – her shoulder and arm felt a little weak, but at least it didn’t hurt any longer, and the infection seemed to be completely healed. She wondered, as she made her way towards Spike’s cave, keeping a wary eye towards the sky for flying werewolves, if that lone Guardian could have possibly survived the collapse of Sunnydale. Or perhaps Caleb had killed her in this world as he had done in the other – Buffy was looking for allies anywhere she could find them, and the Guardian might have some ideas that could help her get to Hallie and get the spell reversed.
She and Dawn had looked through the books on vengeance demons that Andrew had given her on the flight over from London, but they held little information. You had to ‘destroy the power center’ of a vengeance demon to reverse their magic – whatever that meant. They had the ability to grant wishes, of course, teleport and travel between dimensions, which meant that Hallie could be anywhere at this point. Finding Hallie and then holding onto her was going to be the problem; with the scythe now in her possession, Buffy figured that she would simply start slicing until she found the bitch’s ‘power center’ – the longer it took and the more it hurt, the better.
Buffy was pulled from her thoughts as she rounded the bend near Spike’s cave and came face to face with one of the flying werewolves … it was on the ground waiting to catch her off-guard. Buffy instinctively swung the scythe at its neck just as the werewolf sprung at her, and severed his head cleanly from its body. Blood showered down on her as she ducked under the headless body, which fell to the ground behind her with a heavy thud.
“Oh, gross!” she exclaimed as she was covered in the red blood of the werewolf. “Damn it – just once I’d like to not be covered in blood in this fucked up place!” she exclaimed as she shook her arms, wiped her face, and tried to get as much of it off her as she could. “At least it’s not mine this time,” she muttered as she continued her trek towards the cave, still trying to get as much of the blood off her as possible.
When she got to the entrance to the cave, Buffy looked around one more time for werewolves, in the sky and on the ground, before going down on her knees in front of it and calling Spike’s name, but she got no answer. The stone that Spike always rolled over the entrance was still there, but she knew that didn’t mean he was in there – he could be at the trials … or – she didn’t want to think about where else he may be. Buffy looked around again for werewolves before setting the scythe down in front of her and pushing with both hands on the rock.
“Spike! Spike, it’s me – it’s Buffy!” she called as she rolled the rock slowly away from the entrance. “Spike, baby – let me in …” she continued, using all her strength to move the rock out of the way.
“Spike?” she called when she got the rock out of the way enough for her to crawl into the cave. “Spike, it’s me …” she continued, wanting to make sure he didn’t attack her, thinking she was a werewolf. “It’s Buffy…Spike?”
Buffy got inside, then turned around and quickly pulled the scythe in behind her, before scanning the cave for her husband. When her eyes adjusted to the dim light inside the cave, she finally saw him, sitting huddled in a far corner, his arms covered his head and ears, his knees were drawn up against his chest and he was rocking his whole body back and forth. “Oh, Spike …” she moaned, tears stinging her eyes as she rolled the rock back over the entrance. Her heart was at once lifted, soaring among the clouds upon seeing him again, and at the same time shattered into a million pieces to see him cowering in the corner of the cave like a lost, frightened child.
“Spike, baby …” Buffy said softly as she approached him. “It’s Buffy … Spike? Can you hear me?”
Buffy knelt down in front of him and touched his arm. “Spike?”
Spike lifted his head off his knees and looked up at her with weary, frightened eyes. “Please leave me be … I’m beggin’ ya … I can’t – can’t take any more,” he pleaded with her. “Too many ghosts … can’t fit them in the parlor, will have to invite them into the sittin’ room and library, as well. It’s not proper, but it can’t be helped, can it? Are there enough cups and saucers? The good ones?” he asked Buffy with concern furrowing his brow. “Mustn’t use the everyday china for guests …”
“Spike, honey – I’m not a ghost. I’m Buffy – your wife … Buffy,” she said softly, laying a hand gently on his cheek.
“Slayer’s dead – laid in m’ arms and died – couldn’t help ‘er, couldn’t save ‘er,” he announced sadly, shaking his head slowly from side to side. “A ghost, you are … just like the others. Dead and gone … dust in the wind. Do you take sugar and cream in your tea?”
Before Buffy could answer or contradict him, Spike looked up and off to one side. “Yes, mother … this is the girl…” he spoke to the air, his cockney accent fading to the more refined accent of his youth. “Yes, she is, isn’t she?” he agreed with the unseen visitor, shaking his head slowly. “Yes, quite lovely … Yes, mother – I assure you, she knows… No mother, I don’t know why, either.”
Spike looked back at Buffy. “Mother would like to make sure you know I’m a demon … says you’re too lovely to have married such a wretched, evil monster … I told her you knew … but…” Spike shrugged as his voice trailed off and he gazed into Buffy’s eyes, his eyes haunted by the ghosts of his past, looked sadder than Buffy had ever seen them. Buffy felt tears well in her eyes and she dropped her forehead against Spike’s.
“Tell her that you are the strongest person I’ve ever known; tell her that your soul is full of light and love and passion and is the key to my heart – without the key to fit the lock and release it, my heart is forever hidden, forever locked in a dungeon of its own design. Spike, tell her that you’re a good man – a man that loves completely, that gives his heart wholly, a man that’s true to his word – a man that would do anything for his family … you’re a man with a beautiful soul.”
Spike jumped up suddenly, knocking Buffy onto her back. “NOT A MAN! Not a man – a DEMON! A MONSTER!” he exclaimed, pacing back and forth across the small area of the cave as he rubbed his hands over his head and face, as if to wipe her words off his skin.
Buffy jumped up and blocked his path, grabbing him by the shoulders and stopping him. “That’s what you are…not who you are…you’re a man first!” she insisted.
Suddenly, Spike grabbed Buffy by the shoulders and pulled her against him as his game face came up and he lowered his mouth against her neck. Buffy could feel his fangs just grazing her skin; she could feel his breath against her neck and hear a low, rumbling growl emanate from his chest. Buffy closed her eyes and held her breath. Spike’s fingers were digging into the flesh of her shoulders, she was half afraid that he would re-break the newly mended bones there, but she didn’t pull away, instead she did what she had done all those years ago when Angel had removed Spike’s soul – she relaxed and tilted her head to the side, baring her neck to him.
“William is stronger than the demon …” she whispered to him. “He’s a man first.”
Spike licked at the werewolf blood on her skin, making an ever widening circle on her neck with the tip of his tongue. Buffy closed her eyes and suppressed a moan – she reminded herself this wasn’t Spike, not right at this moment, and he wasn’t doing that to be sexy – he was doing it as a threat.
“I dreamed of killing you …” he whispered against her skin.
“Was that you … or the demon? What did the man dream?” she asked him gently. “I dreamed of loving you forever. I dreamed of getting our family back … of raising our children, with you at my side,” Buffy countered, as Spike continued to hold her with an iron grip.
Buffy could feel Spike fighting with the demon, fighting with himself, for control. Even though Buffy tried to appear confident and unafraid, the truth was, she didn’t know what he would do in this condition. His mind wasn’t his own, his heart and soul had been tortured and terrorized, beaten and trampled … crushed under the guilt of what the demon had done – she didn’t know if William’s heart was still strong enough to fight the demon or if it had been too badly damaged by the trials.
She did know that she couldn’t let him kill her – she was the only one that could get them out of this. Buffy felt around on the ground with her foot for the scythe and finally touched the stake end of it with her toe – it was off to the left, if she pulled them both over that way and onto the ground, she may be able to get it. What would happen if she had to dust Spike here? Was that even possible? Would it have any effect at all or would it send him directly to his final judgment? Would she even be able to do it, even to save herself?
“I love you, Spike,” Buffy whispered against his ear.
Spike raised his face away from her neck and up towards the ceiling and screamed out in pain and anger and frustration. All the veins and tendons in his neck stood out hard against his skin and his whole body tensed as his howl reverberated through the cave, bouncing off the walls and ceiling and surrounding them both with its primal desperation. He pushed her away from him hard, then dropped to his knees in the sand, reached for the scythe, and pulled it quickly to him, embedding the stake deep into his chest in one forceful blow.
“NOOO!” Buffy screamed when she saw what he was doing as she tried to regain her balance and get back to him.
When Buffy reached him, she pulled the scythe out of his chest, tossing it aside, and Spike collapsed onto his side on the cold floor of the cave, sobbing in anguish.
“Spike! God, Spike!” Buffy screamed, rolling him over and checking the wound on his chest – but it was gone; completely healed.
“Buffy … help me – please, please help me,” Spike pleaded as he rolled around on the floor of the cave in turmoil.
“Spike … God, baby – I’m trying … I’m trying so hard,” Buffy sobbed as she knelt beside him and pulled him up to her in a tight hug.
Spike wrapped his arms around her and sobbed against her shoulder. “Dust me … Buffy, just dust me – please, please just make it stop.”
“Oh, God, Spike …” Buffy cried against him and rocked him gently in her arms. “I would do anything in the world to make it stop, baby – anything to take your pain away …”
“Please, dust me …” he begged her again.
“Spike … you just did … it didn’t do anything …” she pointed out, pulling back and lifting his face up off her shoulder to look into his eyes. “Spike – I love you so much,” she whispered as she kissed his tears away. “I’m so sorry … oh, Spike – I promise I’ll fix it, I just … time … need more time…”
Spike closed his eyes, took a deep breath and nodded slowly as Buffy’s lips glided gently across his face and over his eyes. He didn’t know how he had any tears left – he’d cried, it seemed, for years now, but the tears, like the faces and voices of the ghosts that haunted him, seemed never-ending.
**~**
After Spike had calmed down, they sat side by side in the cold cave and Buffy told him what she had found out – that William Weckerly had married Cecily Addams on Buffy’s birthday in 1881.
“So, I never met Dru at all …” Spike surmised when she finished.
“No, I don’t think so…”
“Married the bitch … please tell me we didn’t have any children,” he begged, looking at Buffy with exhausted eyes.
Buffy made a face, scrunching up her nose. “I forgot to check on that …” she admitted. “I’ll have Dawn look when we get back.”
Spike nodded slowly. “Do you have a plan?”
“Oh, you know me – I’m all about the plan…” she replied in a voice much cheerier than she felt.
“In other words, you got no plan…” Spike clarified.
“I have a plan – a good plan, it’s the ‘make it up as you go along plan’ – I’ve used it many times with great success…” Buffy defended, trying to sound positive.
Spike snorted and wrapped an arm around her and she leaned in against him, laying her head on his shoulder. “I have no plan at all…” she admitted softly and Spike dropped a kiss on the top of her head.
“It’s alright, luv, you’ve always been good at improv – was one of the first things I noticed ‘bout you – tricky, you are – resourceful.”
“My only hope is that I can find Angel in the amulet, Doyle doesn’t double cross me, and these Oracles can and will help me…” Buffy sighed. “I hate relying on other people when the ‘other people’ isn’t you …”
Spike smiled sadly. “I hate not bein’ at your side … I can fight bloody demons and boogey-men and all the beasties of the world – but I’m losing the battle with the ghosties, Buffy.”
“You believe in me, right?” she asked, lifting her face to his and looking into his eyes.
“Always, pet.”
“Then believe this – those ghosts aren’t yours – tell them to ‘bugger off’! Tell them that you’re sorry, but what’s done is done and you can’t change it and you wouldn’t even if you could – because I wouldn’t let you. Tell them to come see me if they have any complaints…” Buffy coached him.
Spike cocked a questioning brow … the brow that should’ve had a scar through it, at her.
“Spike, I’m living in a world where those people that are haunting you didn’t die at your hand … and you know what? It sucks! Xander, Anya, Tara – all dead, not to mention innumerable Potentials; Me, Willow, and Giles – pretty much useless; so, they can come see me about it …”
“Buffy, that’s just a drop in the bucket in the tit-for-tat of their bloody game …” Spike pointed out.
“Ok, fine – how about all the people that I would’ve saved if I hadn’t been high or suicidal all these years? And what about all the people you saved since … since getting your soul back – even before that if you count Giles? And, what about all the people that Angel would’ve saved if he hadn’t been trapped in that amulet all this time?” Buffy argued, sitting up straighter as more ideas occurred to her. “OH! And what about taking down the Circle of the Black Thorn? Angel trapped an amulet can’t take them down, now, can he? Where does that leave their frilly little prophecy? Tell them to put that in their smoke and pipe it!”
Spike snorted a soft laugh at her enthusiasm but shook his head slowly. “Don’t know how to measure ‘ifs’ and ‘ands’, pet – plus I didn’t think we wanted Angel making new friends in that ‘circle’…”
“Well …” Buffy sighed and leaned back against him. “I’d really rather face the armies of hell with you by my side than for either one of us to face this alone,” she said quietly. “With you, I know everything will be alright – without you, I feel so lost.”
Spike wrapped his arms back around her and tucked her head under his chin as tears stung his eyes again. “I feel the same way, luv,” he whispered to her. “I love you so much, but I’m always at your side, Buffy. Don’t ever feel that you’ve lost me – I’ll always be here,” Spike told her softly, laying a hand on her chest over her heart. “You’re never alone; I’ll always be with you, my love will always linger just beyond the shadows until we both find the light again.”
**~**
{{Click here to hear "Lost” by Michael Bublé on YouTube }}
Can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
Mmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
Ooh yeah yeah,
I said, baby, you're not lost