Everything settled the next day. The master bedroom had been empty and unused since her mother’s death, but whatever memories were linked to the room, it was time to let them go. So, with Tara’s help, Buffy cleared most of the remnants of her mother’s nick-knacks, magazines and clothes and moved her own things into the bedroom.
Since Tara wanted to stay only for a limited time, it was better to let her use Dawn’s tiny bedroom. Dawn was happy to bask in the luxury of Buffy’s old room. The only downside was that Dawn now had easier access to the roof and sneaking out possibilities. But she’d crept out of her old room anyway, so Buffy just had to trust her to stay put at night.
By afternoon, everyone was sorted into their new rooms. Tara insisted on going shopping and cooking as payment for the room, so they did an inventory of the fridge. Even Buffy admitted that it was depressing.
“What did you eat all summer?” asked Tara, exasperated.
“I don’t know… we had cereal and Chinese takeout and pizza… I know Dawn’s still growing and has to eat properly and I want to do right by her… I really do - I just suck at cooking. Mom always did it …” Buffy’s voice trailed off. This conversation had taken an unexpected turn.
“No judging here. I know you’re trying the best you can.” Tara smiled at her.
“Yeah, except my best seems to completely suck where Dawn is concerned. She’s the most precious thing left in my life. Even when I didn’t remember who I was, I still knew that she was mine to take care of - that she was important to me. So it’s not some fabrication from fake memories, it’s just me feeling like this. I just feel like I can’t get through to her; she still doubts that she’s real.”
Why was it so easy to talk about her most secret thoughts to Tara? The white witch emanated a warm glow, a gentleness; it was like being with her mother again.
“You know, I would’ve died for Dawn. Given the choice, I would have. I couldn’t have endured losing her too, not after mom left us.” Buffy whispered.
A choked sob from the door made them aware of Dawn’s eavesdropping. “Buffy, I… I miss mom so much too… all the time…”
Tara watched the sisters shyly. “To lose your mother is one of the saddest things in life. It leaves a hole that nothing can ever fill completely. When I miss my mom, I try to remember happy moments we had together. Small things, like her fussing over my bruised knee or reading bed-time stories to me. It helps make the pain endurable.”
Buffy felt ashamed that she had totally forgotten that Tara had lost her mother at a young age. It felt comforting to have someone around who clearly understood what she and Dawn were going through.
Later they had dinner around the mahogany table. A pink rose plucked from the backyard and a candle created a festive and homey atmosphere. Even Dawn had to admit that having freshly prepared dishes was a vast improvement over pizza delivery, chocolate ice cream, and popcorn. Tara’s calming influence was like a spring breeze which had cleaned out the stuffy smell of winter.
Table talk turned to the ‘Independence Day of our Brains’ as Dawn had so aptly named their recent foray into having blank slates for minds. “Have you talked to Spike? Come on, what did he say?” Dawn asked Buffy, teenage curiosity dancing in her bright eyes.
God save her from nosy teenage sisters. Buffy would feel so much better if this topic had remained buried. She decided to be honest. “I haven’t seen him yet, but I promised to meet him today, so I’ll go by his crypt after patrol. I so don’t know what I should say to him after I practically jumped his bones.”
“Why? He seemed to like it. It would be awkward if you didn’t know him or if you hated him. But come on, it’s Spike! What’s the big? Besides, you two were so checking each other out. It was cute!” Trust Dawn to trample all over it with her accurate observation.
Tara looked earnestly at Buffy. “It seemed like you belonged together. I mean, your auras were linked and their colors were complementing each other. I don’t often talk about what I see with my sight because it disturbs people. But there really is a powerful connection between the two of you.”
Buffy looked at them both. Did Spike know that he had two sturdy supporters in Tara and Dawn? Somehow she wasn’t surprised at all.
~*~
Buffy sat on the headstone, her legs dangling as she contemplated the newly dug grave. It was always best to wait for the fledgling to rise and dispose of him immediately, before he had an opportunity to harm someone. Trouble was, it was boring as hell and left her too much spare time to think over what she would tell Spike. Why was it such an uneventful night? Where were the battalions of demons marching across her town when she needed them?
She dreaded the talk with Spike. The first kiss she could have put down to the spell, but she had to muck it up by kissing him the second time. She could try to blame it on a spell again, but that excuse went stale quickly. Trust Spike and his insightfulness to see right through her. To see what? She couldn’t understand it herself. What was drawing her to him? Was Riley right when he’d accused her of being ‘hung up on vampires’? Why was she drawn to the bad boys, to the forbidden?
“Hey, I know you!” a boyish voice interrupted her wandering thoughts.
Crap! She’d missed the rising of the vamp. Finally she was going to get the fight she’d been longing for. It would be short, but it was better than brooding. She hopped off her tombstone perch enthusiastically.
“You know me? Well that’s good, because I’ll be the last person you see.” Buffy quipped back. He looked cute, like a small boy put into his daddy’s suit.
The fledge seemed unimpressed by her advance. “Weren’t you at the bank office when that monster attacked us? That was cool! And what’re you doing out here all on your own?”
“Hey, I’ve been waiting for you. You took your time, mister.”
“I’m no mister, I’m Tracey, Tracey Knox. I was on my way to become a bank advisor. And you are… Miss Summers? Right?”
Buffy nodded and frowned. This fledge threw her a curve ball. Didn’t he know that he was supposed to attack her in mindless blood lust? Instead he continued his small talk.
“Hey, I was really sorry to hear that your mother died, and the loan falling through and all. Harsh. Doesn’t your father pay child support for you?”
Damn him to hit full force on her most painfully raw and sensitive spot. Buffy scowled at him. “That’s none of your business, Tracey… whoever. I don’t need anybody to take care of me. Least of all someone who ran away like a coward and left us on our own.”
“Whoa, sorry! Didn’t mean to offend you. So, your dad leaving didn’t sit well with you?” Tracey hopped on top of a nearby tomb and addressed her, clearly excited. “I wanted to become a psychiatrist when I was in school. C’mon, talk to me! You can trust me. I won’t tell.”
The wanna-be psychiatrist cocked his head and assessed her thoughtfully. “Whose fault do you think it was that he left?”
Buffy refused to answer and continued to scowl at him.
“I see. You think it was your fault. Right?” The annoying fledge had the audacity to look smug.
Buffy couldn’t let this slide. “Why do you think it’s me? It’s not that I shooed him away or anything.”
She crossed her arms resolutely and shoved out her lower lip. “Mom said that he cheated on her with his secretary. That can’t be my fault. Why does everybody think it’s always my fault?” Her lip started to quiver. Damn him again to bring that topic up – she should have just dusted him before he started talking.
“Always? So there were more? I mean, guys leaving you?”
Damn and double damn persistent pseudo-shrink. “That’s not your business,” she grumbled, but long hidden images came floating up her mind. Angel, vanishing into the mist. Parker, turning his back on her while he chatted up the next girl. Riley, a look of ecstasy on his face while the vamp whore was sucking his blood.
Buffy tried to push the memories back to where she had thought them safely locked away. Where they couldn’t haunt her and sink their claws into her heart any more. But this time they were stronger, more persistent, and she couldn’t hold back the tide of emotions. The words rolled out of her against her will.
“Angel left because of my own good. Ha! He nearly left me standing alone at the prom. How good is that meant to be? He had this notion that I could lead a ‘normal life’ without him. That’s a good joke! Then he came back to meddle in that life, as if I’m too stupid to do it right.”
“Parker? To say that he was even there gives him too much credit. That asshole just wanted his fun; he had a good laugh after that, probably.”
“The last one didn’t just run away, oh no. He took a helicopter to Belize! He went as quick and far away as he could get. To think that I actually ran across town after him to try and stop him…”
Buffy discreetly wiped a tear away, trying not to smear her makeup. This evening wasn’t going as she’d planned. Where had all this pent up frustration suddenly come from?
“The only guy that doesn’t leave, no matter what I try, is Spike,” she whispered.
“So, this guy gives you a headache?”
“I’ve known Spike such a long time now. Whenever I think I have him finally pinned down, he bounces back from another angle. It’s just not fair!”
“He’s supposed to hate me. It was supposed to be simple. Mortal enemies. We fight, I win, he’s gone with the wind. But it got complicated. Somehow he became my ally. I even spared his girlfriend on the condition that he’d go away and never come back. What do you think happened next? Of course he came back! For a love spell. And all he did was talk to people - he talked to my mom! He sat in my kitchen and drank hot chocolate with my mom and she liked him. When he had that ring that made him invincible, what did the idiot do? He came to me and bragged about it and taunted me about my sucky relationships.”
Tracey folded his arms behind his head, lying down on the slab of a tomb. “He seems to be a complex guy.”
Buffy snorted derisively. “Complex? More like tragic! You should’ve seen his girlfriends. This crazy ho Drusilla, who led him around by his short hairs. She cheated on him with the most disgusting creatures and he still loved her - wanted her back. And the stupid airhead Harmony? I couldn’t stand talking to her more than a minute in high school and he dragged her around for nearly two years. Then, after all that, he had the audacity to make a sex-robot - which looked exactly like me!”
“You seem to be very interested in his girlfriends and his love life.”
“Hfff, as if I care! You know, we were once engaged. We planned our wedding, reception, invitations, and everything. It was because of a spell obviously, but he never gave the others an engagement ring.” Oops, where did that come from?
Tracey grinned at her. “For someone who claims to not care, you sound awfully jealous to me. You talk a lot about what he’d done, but what is he to you? Why does he get under your skin so much?”
How had she ended up talking to an undead stranger about feelings she hadn’t even been able to admit to herself?
“And don’t evade the question. You know that suppressed emotions can fester like any other infection if you don’t take care of them in the beginning.” He sounded grave and earnest, a proper Dr. Freud imitation.
She decided to go along. What could it hurt anyway, to talk to soon-to-be dust? Buffy started to walk back and forth in front of the wanna-be shrink, tugging at her hair. “Okay, I don’t know, honestly! It doesn’t make sense. That’s the whole problem here. I can label what he isn’t anymore: not an enemy, not a threat. But what he means to me is so much more difficult.”
How could she label the emotions Spike was pulling out of her? The craving she got whenever she just thought about his lips, how his body molded against hers? The warmth she felt whenever he called her by his pet names, how his blue eyes burned into her heart?
She sighed. “Over the summer, we talked a lot, spent time with each other. I thought of him as my friend, but suddenly it got complicated. I kissed him and it was… it was…”
“It was what? Incredible, disgusting, meaningless?” Tracey spurred her on, sitting up and leaning forward, fascinated, with real interest in his voice.
“It was… the best kiss I’ve ever had. Don’t laugh! Hmmm, I don’t know how to describe it. It was mind-blowing. It left me breathless and I wanted more, even though I knew it was wrong. Yesterday, when we’d lost our memories, I still couldn’t keep my hands off him. I might’ve jumped his bones if we hadn’t been in a public place. How can I look him in the eye again? I know he… cares for me.”
The vamp cleared his throat and Buffy blushed.
“Ok, he told me he loves me. I don’t know what that means, if it’s real. He behaves like it is for him, but he shouldn’t be able to love. For heavens sake, I’m the Slayer and I shouldn’t be falling for a vampire – again.”
“What’s a Slayer?”
Huh? She had totally forgotten that she’d been speaking with a newbie vamp, who didn’t even know what a Slayer was. A fledge, whom she was supposed to dust, not open her heart to and not be analyzed by.
“Vampire Slayer’s the title. It’s my job to dust you. Well not just you specifically. It’s my job to hunt and kill your kind. I don’t think it hurts. At least I hope not.”
“And you fell in love with a vampire?”
It was his last question before his corpse exploded into dust motes which hung for a moment sparkling in thin air, as if holding on to the last remnant of his half-life, before settling quietly on the ground.
Such a good question.
~*~
Spike hadn’t slept the whole day. He’d tried to compose a speech - an entrancing, captivating, compelling speech to declare his love to Buffy. In his mind he’d played all possible reactions from her and he hadn’t liked one of them. How many ways could she reject him? Why was he so good at imagining them? He was still the hopeless stumbling fool when he was in love. In his cold heart he knew that he would never be man enough to be loved, especially not by the Slayer. All he knew of love was to give himself wholly, with body and mind and heart, and then endure the pain of not being loved in return.
He sensed Buffy’s presence as she neared his crypt. Her footsteps were approaching slowly but stopped just outside the entrance. He stepped silently to the door and waited. Her essence was a sweet tingle calling out for him, a pull he couldn’t resist. He placed his hand hesitantly on the door. Her warmth seeped through the rough wooden surface, like hot, sweet honey wrapping around his fingertips. He closed his eyes and let the sensation wash over him. Just to be near her gave him a peace like he’d never known before. The thump-thump of her heart a steady rhythm that seemed to hypnotize him, a beat that invited him to join her dance.
The rustling of her clothes accompanied a timid knock on the door. When had she ever knocked? Normally she stormed in, door crashing against the wall like she owned the place. Something had changed - he just hoped for the better. Nervously he checked his appearance and tried to smooth down his hair. While pondering all the possibilities he had mussed up his gelled locks and undoubtedly looked like a right ponce. With no more delay he opened the door.
She was a vision, wearing a black woolen short sleeved pullover, with colorful red and orange poppies on the front, over tight black slacks. Not her normal patrol attire. Had she dressed for him or was she on her way to the Bronze? When she shuffled her feet nervously he blinked out of his daze.
“Sorry, right, come on in.” He waved her towards the only chair with a flourish. Could he be any more pathetic? Add a bow and the Nancy Boy look would be complete. “You want something to drink? I have Diet Coke – and Jim Beam.”
When she looked at him with her huge green eyes all his carefully prepared speech scattered to the four winds. “Buffy…”
“A Coke would be fine,” she interrupted. He could hear her heart fluttering and knew he was not the only one scared here. Not that it really helped him.
She sat down on the cushions fiddling with the cold Coke can, her fingertips chasing the beads pearling down the surface.
“You…”
“I...”
They both stared at each other.
“You first, pet,” Spike offered, dipping his head shyly and rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.
She took a deep breath and sat up straighter in the chair. “You were right.”
Huh? When had the world stopped turning? Spike took in her face, how she avoided his eyes and the deep blush that crept up her cheeks.
“You were right. We need to talk. I… I need to explain… why I… why we…,” she stuttered and looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Please, help me here!”
“Luv, do you mean why you kissed me? Why you gave me the most delicious and delectable kisses I can remember in my long life?”
She rolled her eyes at him. “You mean, why I practically jumped your bones in public while I didn’t know who I was? You could also put it like that.”
She sobered again. “That was the real problem when I thought about it, you know. That I hadn’t known who I was, and what… who you were. The attraction I felt for you. That I couldn’t keep away from you. I saw you without the vampire makeup, just as a man - a kind and totally sexy man. A man who wanted me.”
The air hummed and crackled with sexual tension as she added, “Who I hoped was my boyfriend.”
Spike knelt beside her chair and placed his hand tentatively on the arm rest, too frightened to touch her and scare her off. “Buffy, luv. You know that I’ll never take advantage of that incident. You were a victim of the spell and not responsible for what you did. I’ll never forget it, but I won’t talk about it.”
She lowered her head, her golden locks spilled around her face, obstructing his view. “Spike, do you remember, when you asked me…,” she swallowed. “When you asked me for a crumb?”
He dared to reach out and tuck a lock behind her ear. “Goldilocks, do you mean what I think you mean?” Spike’s voice was hoarse and low, the sound barely able to pass by the lump in his throat.
Full of fear that he might have misinterpreted her words, he tried not to look her in the eye, but couldn’t help himself. What he saw there was fear, held at bay by sheer determination. Behind that was a flicker of hope. Hope for what, for whom?
She placed her small hand over his and looked him square in the eye, her gaze unwavering. “Do you still love me?”
That was his girl, taking the bull straight by the horns.
“Yes, with all my heart.” He didn’t dare to make it sound anything but sincere. Even if it reminded him of the sentimental fool he had been, oh so many years ago.
Her lip quivered and Buffy bit down on it. She shook her head slightly. “I don’t know what it is. But I feel something for you, something I want to - explore. I trust you. I don’t know when it started, but I really do - only I don’t trust myself.”
She let out a little, breathy laugh and dropped her gaze to her hand where it rested on his. She brushed her thumb tenderly over the back of his fingers. “I actually talked to a would-be shrink today about my feelings. It helped clear up the jumble in my brain. I know he’ll keep it totally confidential.”
He could only stare at her. This little slip of a girl did surely turn his world on its axis. “What ‘bout your friends, luv?”
Buffy looked back up and met his eyes with a whimsical smile. “You’d be surprised. Dawn is already cheering me on and Tara’s right behind her. You really got a devoted fan club started.”
Her gaze focused on his mouth and she licked her lips. “No more talk now. So come here and let me see if my memory is right.”
What could he reply when she accompanied it with the most adorable pout? “As my lady commands.” Then he bent in to pluck the first kiss from her tender lips.
She tasted like honey and milk, all innocent and young. The earthy scent from her sun-kissed skin complemented the faint citrus-y smell of her shampoo. Her silken hair clung to his fingers as he ran his hand through her tresses. He could hear her blood murmur at her neck like a small bird, fluttering excitedly.
All his senses were on overload. He nipped at her bottom lip and followed her tongue in a sensual slow tango. His fingers slid lightly down her arm, never really touching her. Her fine golden hairs rose up to greet him, tiny electric tingles jumped between them like small lightning zapping his nerves.
She moaned and pressed her mouth firmer against his, her lips and teeth demanding more attention. As their tongues danced, her hand grabbed a firmer hold on his shirt and tugged him nearer. He settled between her legs, not feeling the hard cold stone underneath him as he knelt, worshipping before her.
He couldn’t believe that this was real. It felt like the heavens had miraculously opened for him and warmth and light were begging him to enter. Buffy would burn him, consume him, and he would gladly give himself over to her.
He rained small butterfly kisses along her jaw line. When he neared her neck she hesitated for a second and then offered him her vulnerable jugular. His heart seemed ready to burst with the joy he felt at that declaration of her trust. Her hands traveled down his arms, kneading his firm muscles, her fingernails prickling his skin.
He ran his tongue along her collarbone, tasting the salt that the still warm evening had drawn out of her skin. His tongue followed the v-shape of her pullover’s neckline down to the beckoning darkness of her cleavage. He leaned his forehead below her chin and inhaled her spicy scent.
Her mouth latched onto his ear, her tongue exploring the delicate rim. She elicited a rumbling growl when her teeth bit into his fleshy lobe.
She giggled and repeated the bite. “You have the cutest ears.”
Spike pulled back from her and narrowed his eyes. “Hey, I’m not bloody cute. I’m handsome, charming, sexy, hot, irresistible, buff and I have a brilliant sense of humor. But I’m the Big Bad and Big Bads are never cute.” He stared her in the face with mock exasperation.
At that Buffy threw back her head and laughed out loud. “Spike, you’re so full of yourself.”
“Should I show you how full I am?” he smirked and curled his tongue behind his teeth.
Buffy blushed and whispered, suddenly earnest again. “Maybe later? Can we just – take it slow? I’d love to have the time to get to know you better, to see you in a different light. Time to just, you know, do the usual things, take walks, go dancing.”
She let out a small giggle. “Probably no picnic on the beach, but patrol instead? Can we just enjoy the ride and see where the road takes us?”
She was adorable. He never had expected her to be so playful, so trusting. Spike had asked for a crumb and she’d thrown him a whole cake. Bloody hell, she was offering a whole pastry shop to him.
“Luv, for you I’d wait ‘til hell freezes over. I just hope I don’t have to.”
With that he cupped her cheek, his other hand running through her hair. “It’s like spun sunshine, golden waves of silk. I’d like to see it spread out on my pillow, surrounding your face like a golden halo.” He couldn’t keep his inner William at bay anymore, sod his poetic urges.
She looked at him with luminescent eyes and leaned her head into the cage of his fingers. “One day, I promise...”
When Spike’s fingers started to softly massage her scalp she sighed, “… soon.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Will Buffy make up her mind? Any advice you want to give her? The bets are open, feel free to vote.
This is a short one-chapter episode because, to be truthful, I refused to get distracted by Giles, Willow, Xander or Anya. This is all about Buffy and Spike, so enjoy.
Let’s finally join Buffy on a voyage through her emotions, expect a wannabe-shrink, confessions, confusion, and - well, you will see.
This was a treat to my betas puddinhead and Passion4Spike who really enjoyed working on this - not just because it was short *lol* Thank you, ladies!
This is a short one-chapter episode because, to be truthful, I refused to get distracted by Giles, Willow, Xander or Anya. This is all about Buffy and Spike, so enjoy.
Let’s finally join Buffy on a voyage through her emotions, expect a wannabe-shrink, confessions, confusion, and - well, you will see.
This was a treat to my betas puddinhead and Passion4Spike who really enjoyed working on this - not just because it was short *lol* Thank you, ladies!
Chapter End Notes:
After this hopeful ending, I have to announce a short hiatus of this story. I’m on my summer vacation and will be back with this story in August. Don’t worry; I’ll use the time to work a bit ahead to keep you in a steady stream of episodes.
Don’t fear, this season isn’t finished by a long way, there are still lots of lovely, sweet, dangerous, hot, long expected episodes in my outline.
Don’t fear, this season isn’t finished by a long way, there are still lots of lovely, sweet, dangerous, hot, long expected episodes in my outline.