Rock Lobsters and Smoke Demons by wolffan200

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Chapter Notes: So KnifeEdge suggested using this song when I was looking for songs Buffy might choose and I just had to write a one-shot for it. A crazy fic intended purely for humor.

Thanks to my beta SanityFair for checking this fic. Any mistakes left are mine and not hers.

Song belongs to the B52's. No copyright intended.
Buffy brushed the vamp dust off her jacket and twirled her stake before pocketing it. It had been yet another successful patrol and best of all? No peroxide menace interrupting her. She had worked out most of her tension over Riley leaving town, but for some reason this led to an increase in the amount of times she ran into another irritation. One who called himself Spike. He was constantly getting in her way, killing demons and dusting vamps she could have taken care of easily and claiming he’d saved her. What did he expect, a thank you or something? Shyeah, that would happen. Not.

It was still early enough out. Buffy might actually get to spend some quality time with her mom and sister for a change. It would be good to curl up in front of the TV for a while. She was just making her way out of the cemetery when her vision of a quiet night at home went up in a puff of smoke. Literally. Some weird smoke blew directly in her face when she turned to discover the reason why her Slayer senses weren’t warning her about a demon nearby. She coughed and spluttered trying to clear the smoky haze so she could see.

She vaguely made out an odd shaped creature, white in color with spines sticking out of its arms. The thing was exhaling smoke; she couldn’t see any teeth but the spines were nasty looking. Then again, she couldn’t see it too clearly, because the smoke stung her eyes and made them water.

“Okay you big, smoking…thing you. You’re messing with a Slayer now, and that’s just---dumb.”

What the hell is wrong with me? Buffy wondered. Her quips were usually much better than that. It was like all her witty vocabulary had just gone out the window.

The demon made a sort of half crackling, half hissing noise and approached, one beefy arm extended. Buffy tottered back a few steps.

Whoa, I feel weird. Why won’t my legs work properly? The Slayer bent over to see if there was something trapping her feet and the demon got closer, still making that noise.

A loud roar tore through the air, and the demon was knocked sideways. It righted itself and blew a stream of black smoke straight at its attacker. The blond vamp walked directly into the smoke to land a punch to the demon’s head. He followed the punch up with a spinning kick and a series of jabs to its gut. The demon wheezed and lashed out with an arm but missed. Spike prepared a follow up attack, but had to hold off when another cloud of smoke was aimed at him. By the time it cleared the demon was gone. Spike sighed heavily and flexed his fists.

“Well that was bloody pathetic. Smoke attack might have been a bit more effective if I actually had to breathe. I’ll take my own brand of smokes over whatever it’s making though.”

He turned to look at the Slayer who was oddly quiet. He was used to hearing a frustrated ‘Spike! He was mine. What do you think you’re doing?’ by now. He tilted his head and studied Buffy who was twisting around, still half bent over and trying to examine her feet.

“Little off your game too looks like, pet. What exactly is it you’re trying to do?”

“Huh? What?” Buffy snapped back to a standing position and quickly grabbed her head while she wobbled unsteadily. “Whoa, head-rush.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. Something wasn’t right with the Slayer.

“You feelin’ okay, luv? If I didn’t know better I’d think you were…”

Buffy giggled, twirled around and promptly collapsed on the ground, which was followed by more giggles.

“drunk.” Spike finished.

“Pssht. Drunk.” Buffy waved a hand dismissively, her voice slurring a bit. “Stupid vampire. I’m not drunk. Nope. No drinky for Buffy. I’m a respons…response…responsible Slayer. Yep, that’s me. Sober Slayer.” She waved her arms dramatically, serious face in place, then lay back on the grass with a dreamy smile. “Ooh, look, pretty stars.”

Spike stared at her, glanced up at the cloudy sky and back at her, shook his head and walked over to help her up.

“Oh yeah, you’re chock full of good sense and sanity right now. C’mon, up you get, lemme take a look at you.” Spike grabbed hold of an arm and hoisted her back to a sitting position. He then squatted down beside her and made her face him.

She tried to bat him away but he avoided her and held her still so he could see her eyes.

“What are you a doctor? Ha-ha, that’s funny. Dr. Spike the dead guy doc.” She giggled again.

“I knew it. You breathed in that smoke didn’t you an’ now it’s got you whacked out of your head.” He smirked. “Well, well, what will the Scoobies think when they find out their Slayer is high?”

She got a panicked look and grabbed Spike’s coat tightly.

“I’m not high. No, I’m…that demon did this. Oh God what did it do to me? Can we reverse it? Oh, oh, oh, you have to get me to Giles. Giles is smart. He can help.” She looked desperate.

Spike frowned. He’d get the blame if he showed up with a stoned Slayer. Then again, she was practically begging him. When did that ever happen? Maybe he could get her to actually beg? That would almost make it worthwhile.

“I dunno Slayer. Watcher ain’t exactly fond of me. You aren’t that fond of me either. Why should I help you? I’m just an evil neutered vampire, right?”

He moved to stand up but she pulled him back down roughly so he almost lost his balance.

“No. Please, Spike, I don’t think I can walk properly. You have to help me. I’ll pay you.”

Oh yeah. Definitely worth it.

“Well, I suppose I could…” He started with a dramatic sigh.

She lunged at him and hugged him so hard he thought his ribs were going to crack.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She let go of him and held up both her hands. “Okay. I’d like to get up now, please.” She put on a childlike smile and waited expectantly.

Spike was staring at her with his mouth open.

Buffy hugged me. She thanked me. She said please. Oh that smoke really did a number on her.

“You know, I think I prefer you like this Slayer. You’re much more pleasant,” he said as he hauled her up.


Spike had to support Buffy most of the way to Giles’. She complained her legs felt like Jell-o at some points, then at others she walked stiffly like she was made of wood. At one point a cat jumped out of a bush in front of them, and Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Demon! Evil bush demon, Spike!” She yelled pointing at the furry little poker chip with a bell around its neck.

Spike stuck a finger in his ear and tried to clear it of the ringing her yelling had put there.

“It’s all right Slayer. It’s a…good demon. Harmless. C’mon we’re almost there.”

“Okay. You promise there’s no more evil bush demons?” She asked him, concern etching her face.
Spike looked at her, tilted his head and faced the path again, pulling her along.

“Yeah, yeah, I promise.” I’ll let that one go for now.

They made it to the Watcher’s house at last and Spike banged on the door. Buffy’s condition had worsened since she was now seeing pretty swirly colors and waving at chocolate Christmas trees.

This is a whole new level of bizarre, even for me.

He could hear the older man heading for the door, grumbling a little as he walked into something. The door swung open and Giles stood there, glasses on and glass of scotch in his hand.

“Yes? Buffy? And Spike? What’s going on? Buffy, are you all right?” He asked, squinting at his charge.

“Whee! Giles, look a talking bird. Tweet, tweet, little birdie.” Buffy said, staring somewhere over Giles’ shoulder.

“I’ll take that as a no then, shall I?” Giles switched his gaze to Spike, disapproving frown firmly in place.
Spike rolled his eyes and shoved past the man and led Buffy over to the couch where he deposited her. She flopped back against the cushions and sighed.

“It’s like a marshmallow. Aren’t you going to sit on the marshmallows too?” She asked.

“Not right now, pet, I got to explain this to the Watcher.” Spike answered.

“Yes, an explanation would be much appreciated. Thank you. What is going on? What happened to her?” Giles said annoyed, removing his glasses.

“Demon blew smoke in her face. Whatever it is, it has her high as a bloody kite. She’s on some sort of demon trip.”

“Good Lord. What did it look like?”

Spike described their demon attacker and Giles went about searching through his books. Spike watched him for a minute as he rooted about through his collection muttering before he got bored and turned his attention to more interesting things, such as Buffy standing on the couch and taking her top off.

“Let’s go swimming! Last one in is a rotten egg!” She yelled.

Giles turned around and very nearly dropped his scotch. As it was, he fell into a stack of books and had to scramble to get up in time to pull Buffy down to a sitting position and yank her top back down. Luckily, she’d been wearing a bra. Spike had been momentarily stupefied at the sight of the Slayer about to do a strip tease and didn’t notice Giles talking to him until a book was thrown at him.

“Oi! Watch it!” he shouted, rubbing his chest where the corner of the book had hit him.

“If you want to remain something other than a pile of dust, I suggest you look after her while I hunt down a cure, understand?”

Spike took in the other man’s stony stare and nodded. Giles went back to looking for the book after explaining to Buffy that it was better to keep her clothes on. She sulked a little but was soon distracted by a circus of doughnuts parading around the room.


After an extremely long staring contest with Buffy when he told her she couldn’t try roasting the marshmallow furniture, Spike was more than happy when Giles announced he’d found something.

“Was this the demon you saw?” He asked, holding a picture of the spiny smoke demon under their noses.

“Yup, that’s him.” Spike nodded his head, looking grateful.

“Giles found the demon in the book! Now I can kill it and be normal again.” Buffy tried to stake the book demon.

Giles was just quick enough to avoid her and Spike rapidly pulled the stake away from her, momentarily seeing his life flash before his eyes when she first whipped it out. She scowled at him.

“You don’t want to be playing with that right now, pet. Dangerous things those.”

“Only to vampires. You’re the one who needs to be careful with one.”

“In your hands? Right now, no one is safe.”

“Humph.” Buffy folded her legs under her and put her chin in her hands, sulking.

“Giles is there a cure for this?” Spike called. She’s either gonna kill me with carelessness or adorableness at this stage.

“Umm. Sadly no.” Giles responded.

“What?” Spike asked panicked.

“The effects should wear off in, oh, about another two hours. The demon has no teeth so it administers a hallucinogenic to the victim so they don’t feel anything when it begins, uhm, feeding.”

“Okay. I don’t really want to know any more. So, we keep the Slayer here until it wears off?” Spike asked.

“Well---” Giles started.

“Smashy, smashy.” Buffy sang happily as she knocked everything off Giles’ mantelpiece onto the floor where it broke. A sound that pleased her no end, but put a thin line on Giles’ face where his mouth should be.

“I think it would be better to take her home. Familiar surroundings and all that. She’ll probably be exhausted when she comes around.”

Spike smirked and gave Giles a ‘yeah, right’ look.

“So you want to lump Joyce and the Bit with a jacked up Slayer then?”

“Spi-i-ike!” Buffy whined. “I’m hu-u-ungry.”

“Ah, there you are you see, she’s hungry. I haven’t a bite to eat in the house, certainly not enough for a hungry Slayer. She’ll be better off at home. And you’ll be there to watch her so she doesn’t get up to any harm. All right, off you go.” Giles had them up and moving for the door in record time.

Did he even remember whom he was talking to? Spike look after Buffy? He was evil, or didn’t anyone remember? It did little good thinking about it as Spike found himself outside with an expectant Slayer before he knew which way was up.

“Soddin’ Watcher. I can see why he was fired,” Spike grumbled.


“Yeah, yeah, you’re hungry, I know. C’mon, we’ll get you home.”


Buffy seemed to have gained full control over her legs again. Unfortunately this was accompanied by an even chirpier mood and an urge to sing. It wasn’t so much the loud, out of tune singing that was Spike’s personal torture as he led her home, so much as the song.

We were at a party

His ear lobe fell in the deep

Someone reached in and grabbed it

It was a rock lobster


How she knew the words, or how she knew the song was beyond him. Her condition apparently allowed her to remember every word of the lyrics and obviously she could hear the music too as she started dancing and banging her head, arms waving madly.


We were at the beach

Everybody had matching towels

Somebody went under a dock

And there they saw a rock

It wasn’t a rock

It was a rock lobster


Spike clapped both hands over his ears as she started dancing in circles around him singing ‘rock lobster’.

Motion in the ocean

His hair hose broke

Lots of trouble

Lots of bubble

He was in a jam

S’in a giant clam

“Slayer, please...”

“Woo! Rock lobster.”

Bloody hell.


Down, down


She paused and slowly lowered to the ground, swaying her arms and staring at him, a sly smile on her face.

Suddenly she was back up and she started jumping up and down to the beat playing in her head. Spike tried to grab her but she just skipped away, laughing. She continued dancing around and he cracked his neck. This was going to be a long night. She started hopping on one leg backwards, air-guitaring.


Underneath the waves

Mermaids wavin’

Wavin’ to mermen

Wavin’ sea fans

Sea horses sailin’

Dolphins wailin’


She danced off down the street in front of him; her perky little arse swaying teasingly in front of him, merrily singing “Rock Lobster.” He fixated on the sight, but the song was spoiling the image somewhat.


Red snappers snappin’

Clamshells clappin’

Muscles flexin’

Flippers flippin’


Down, down


Spike lowered his head and wiped a hand over his face. He was debating whether the pain of the chip would be worth it to knock her out and put an end to the singing. He was pretty sure it was. He was pushed forward and nearly lost his balance when the Slayer jumped up on his back.

“C’mon Spike! Sing with me!”

“Bloody hell Slayer, what are you playing at?”

She punched a fist in the air.


Let’s rock!

She slid down off his back and pulled him along, trying to get him to dance as she started up the next verse.


Boys in bikinis

Girls in surfboards

Everybody’s rockin’

Everybody’s fruggin’


Twistin’ ‘round the fire

Havin’ fun

Bakin’ potatoes

Bakin’ in the sun

He yanked his arm free of her grasp. It did nothing to slow her enthusiasm.


Put on your noseguard

Put on a lifeguard

Pass the tanning butter


Here comes a stingray

There goes a manta-ray

In walked a jelly fish

There goes a dogfish

Chased by a catfish

In flew a sea robin

Watch out for that piranha

There goes a narwhale



Thank bloody Christ for that! Spike thought when she finished.

“One more time!” She shouted joyfully, punching the air.

Spike grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, his eyes burning holes in her. She looked back at him bewildered.

“NO! JUST NO! No more bleeding ‘Rock Lobster!’ I’m begging you, Buffy. No more!”

She rolled her eyes, shrugged his hands off and walked on ahead.

“All right already. Geez. You need to chill out Spike. You know for a dead guy you’re seriously uptight.”

Spike was sure he chipped a fang he was grinding his teeth so hard. Easy, Spike. It’ll all be over soon. You can torture her all you want after this. She owes you. Just make it to the Summers house and find something to gag her with.


He had never been more relieved to see her house before. Twice she’d tried running off on him to chase after invisible demons, and restraining her was no easy task. He was pretty sure he had a split lip where she’d punched him for being evil and spoiling her fun.

Yeah, because this is the definition of fun. Chasing after a barmy Slayer who’s ready to stake me one minute and grabbing on to me for protection from kittens and shadows the next.

He dragged her up to the front door and made her lean against the porch while he knocked. No way was he risking a search through her pockets for her keys, and he didn’t think Joyce would appreciate him breaking in when they were still up, which in itself was odd considering how late it had gotten, but he decided not to question his luck.

Joyce opened the door and did a double take when she saw who it was.

“Spike? Buffy?”

“I can explain everythin’ Joyce, but first I think we need to get the Slayer inside, preferably strapped down.” Spike said, escorting the clueless Buffy into her house and pushing her down into a chair.

“Uh, what’s wrong with her? Did you say strapped down?” Joyce wrinkled her brow in confusion.

“What’s going on?” Dawn entered the room and her face dropped when she saw Spike standing there. What was he doing in her house? And why when she was in her cutesy pajamas?

“Spi-i-ike. I’m still hu-u-ungry.” Buffy whined, adding a pout.

“All right already. Just sit tight and we’ll get you some food.” Spike led Joyce out to the kitchen, Dawn following after sparing an odd look at her sister.

“Spike, what is going on?” Joyce was impatient.

“She had a run in with a demon tonight that hit her with hallucinogenic smoke. She’s out of it a bit but Rupes said the effects would wear off shortly. Best to just keep her settled and wait it out.”

“No way. Buffy’s high?” Dawn asked, disbelief and glee her obvious reaction.

“Dawn. It’s not Buffy’s fault. It was a demon. I guess if you’re sure that’s all we can do. Are you going to stay with us until she’s herself again?” Joyce asked Spike.

“Yeah. Reckon it’s best. Slayer strength is a handful, and I wouldn’t want any accidents. At least I can hold her back. Or try to anyway. Been a right challenge though.”

“SPI-I-IKE…” her voice came from the living room.

“Yeah, yeah, hang on! Sorry, Joyce, you have any food for her? Munchies an’ all.” Spike explained.

“Oh, um. Yeah, I’ll whip up a sandwich or two. You go keep an eye on her.”

Spike nodded and headed back to the Slayer. Dawn went to follow but Joyce stopped her.

“You can stay and help, young lady.”

“But Mom---”

“No buts. I know you only want to make a spectacle of your sister and she’s going to feel bad enough when this is over without your teasing. Especially, when she realizes Spike has been around to witness it all.”

Dawn sulked but helped her mother. She couldn’t wait to get back out there and see what crazy stuff her sister would be up to. As it was, she was straining to hear anything that was said, but was unsuccessful. Damn her weak human ears!


Spike returned to the living room to find the Slayer upside-down in the chair he’d left her in humming an unrecognizable tune.

“Where’s my food?” If it weren’t for her current position the question would have seemed perfectly normal.

“Your Mum’s workin’ on it. You might wanna sit up, pet. Don’t want all that yummy Slayer blood rushing to your brain. You’re bad enough as it is.”

He sat down on the sofa keeping an eye on her.

Buffy ignored him, then slowly righted herself. She sat there for a minute before the fidgeting started and she was bouncing her legs up and down, tapping her hands on the arms of the chair. She stopped and sighed, frowning. She looked over at him and before he knew it she was out of the chair and sitting cross-legged on the couch beside him.

“You’re weird,” she stated.

He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head at her.

“Don’t think you’re in any position to throw stone’s there Slayer. Least of all now.”

She slapped his knee gently and rolled her eyes.

“Noooo. I mean you really are weird. I thought it before now. You fight your own kind because you can’t hurt humans but you never once tried to get minions to do your dirty work and get you fresh human blood. Did you never think of that? You’re pretty stupid.”

He opened his mouth but had no clue how to answer. Sure he could have done that if he’d felt like it but he had his pride. His head hadn’t been in the right place when he first took time to adjust to the chip and afterwards he just didn’t feel like it. Then he’d gone and had that soddin’ dream…

“I don’t want to be fed like some helpless baby, Slayer. Had enough of that after you put me in a wheelchair. I don’t think you get to call me stupid. You haven’t made a lot of genius decisions lately either.”

She looked down and nodded. Spike was surprised she hadn’t gotten all defensive.

“I know. I do make bad decisions sometimes. But that’s how you learn, right? Like, for example, I made a decision. No more solid looking guys. I keep going for the same type of guy, because I think yeah, he’s a good one, he’s a catch. I won’t get hurt with him. Fail. Three strikes, and I’m out. I think I’ll give up on men for a while.”

This was becoming far too much of a girly heart-to-heart for his liking, and she wasn’t in her right mind, but he was evil and she’d given him an opportunity.

“Well, maybe you just need to start seeing different blokes is all. You give up on them all together and you’re only punishing yourself. What you need, is a bloke who’s the opposite of your usual guy.”

“Like who?” She crinkled her nose in thought.

Spike hesitated, wondering how he should play this.

“Well, someone who doesn’t try giving you the puppy dog soulful eyes for a start. That whole soul thing is over-rated. Someone who fits you better, not those towering skyscrapers you go for because you think tall is good. Honestly, it must have been a literal pain in the neck trying to snog soldier boy.”

She nodded and chewed her bottom lip.

“Well…it was awkward standing up, not really comfortable. You’re right. I do get caught up in the sweet guy act. But I just don’t know where I can meet a normal guy who---”

“See, now that’s your problem right there.” Spike said pointing at her.


“This belief that you need a normal guy to be happy. Normal and you don’t go together, pet. You won’t be normal and you can’t be with a normal bloke and be happy. You need someone who can match you.”

Buffy took in what he said, seriously.

“So, I need a supernatural honey that fits me and won’t pretend he’s all deep and long-haul material?” She groaned and dropped her head on Spike’s shoulder, snuggling up next to him.

“This is hard,” she said, her voice muffled by his coat.

Spike swallowed loudly and tentatively eased an arm around her waist and patted her hip.

Not the only thing that’s hard right now.

His voice cracked when he spoke and he felt like kicking himself for being such a ponce around her.

“S’ok, pet. No rush, right?”

“Hmm. I guess not.” She absentmindedly placed one hand on his shoulder, the other snaking across his chest and under his coat, hugging him. She was deep in thought and completely unaware of Spike’s mind going a mile a minute at having her close to him.

“Hey!” She leaned back a bit and turned her head to face him, but didn’t release her hold on him. He met her gaze, willing himself to be calm and listen to her. “You’re a supernatural guy. You don’t pretend to be some goody two shoes guy who wants to marry and settle down. And ooh, look!” She squeezed him and settled her chin on his shoulder, bringing their faces mere centimeters apart. “You fit me!” She smiled up at him.

She didn’t honestly buy that did she? He knew she wasn’t working with a full deck right now, but she wasn’t so out of it to be actually considering what he thought she was considering could she?

“Maybe, I should date you.”

Apparently, she could.

“You sure about that, luv? You hate me don’t you?”

“I don’t hate you.” She shrugged. “It’s worth a try at least. Here, let’s see.” She sat up a bit straighter, looking directly at him.

“What are you---?” Spike didn’t get to finish since his mouth was suddenly busy getting associated with Buffy’s. Her tongue danced with his eagerly and he groaned and tangled a hand in her hair, pulling her closer and responding to her kiss urgently.
Buffy was really getting into the kiss and started moving to straddle him, never once breaking contact with his lips and tongue. Spike leaned back to help her maneuver around until her legs were wrapped around his waist. His hands ran up her and down her back and she started grinding against him, moaning loudly and making him growl low in his throat.

“Mmm, good kissage. More please.” She murmured and he happily obliged, pressing his hardening cock against her hot centre, making her gasp.

“Okay, Buffy, even suffering a serious case of munchies, there’s no way you can finish all these HOLY CRAP!” Dawn skidded to a halt, almost dropping the plate that was piled high with sandwiches when she saw what was going on in the living room.

Buffy pulled away from Spike and looked up at her sister guiltily.

“We were just testing. I wanted to see if Spike was better, since he’s the opposite of my type.”

Dawn turned wide eyes from her sister to the vampire trapped under her, who was looking somewhat sheepish, but couldn’t quite keep the shit-eating grin off his face.

“Uh…yeah…” Spike reluctantly eased Buffy off him and back to the couch while trying to adjust himself without Dawn noticing.

“And?” Dawn looked back at her sister, curiosity overcoming shock.

Buffy grinned. “So far I’m thinking yes, but I’d like to keep practicing to be sure.”

“Oh.” Dawn didn’t know what to do. For once, she was speechless. She liked this new Buffy.

“Ready to eat?” Joyce entered carrying a tray with a pitcher of juice and glasses that she set down on the coffee table, oblivious to the awkwardness of Spike and Dawn.

Buffy suddenly remembered her hunger and jumped up and grabbed the plate from Dawn, settling down on the floor in front of Spike, which he was grateful for since he could hide his arousal from her earlier antics, and started to eat, filling a glass with juice and almost downing it in one go.

They spent the time in uncomfortable silence. Spike was avoiding Dawn’s smirks and raised eyebrows, refusing to look at anything but the floor or the back of Buffy’s head. He was finding it difficult to resist running his fingers through the long golden wave of her hair. Dawn was fighting the urge to blurt out what she’d walked in on to her Mom. This was dirt best stored for when Buffy was back to herself and vulnerable, not when she was too out of it to care. Joyce was looking at all of them suspiciously but kept her mouth shut, guessing she probably wouldn’t want to know. Buffy was happily devouring her meal, unaware of anything around her.

Spike was trying to fathom how such a tiny girl as the Slayer could put away that much food so quickly. All she’d left of the mountain of sandwiches was a plate covered in crumbs as she leaned back against his legs with a contented sigh. He noticed her heart rate slowing and when he checked, saw her yawn and close her eyes.

Finally, he thought.

“Okay, Slayer, bedtime. It’s about time you crashed.” He stood up, ignoring her grumbled protests and hauled her to her feet, guiding her to the stairs.

Joyce and Dawn followed as he helped her up them and guided her to her room, walking her over to sit on the bed. She collapsed back on the duvet and smiled happily. Spike straightened and headed back to the hall, passing by Dawn and Joyce and pausing at the top of the stairs.

“Reckon you can take it from here. She should go asleep now and be back to herself come mornin’.”

“Thank you, Spike.” Joyce said before going into Buffy’s room to get her daughter more comfortable.

“Think she’ll remember anything?” Dawn asked innocently.

Spike cocked his head at her, not fooled for a second.

“Dunno. But I’m bettin’ she’ll be reminded of a few things.”

Dawn grinned and headed off to her bedroom. Spike descended the stairs and let himself out. He was going to pay for it tomorrow, but at least he had the memory to keep him company ‘til then.


The crypt door crashed open and for a second Spike thought he was under attack. He wasn’t wrong. But instead of an army it was just one incredibly brassed off Slayer. She stormed into the crypt, grabbed him by the throat and had him pressed against the wall in an instant.

“Mornin’ luv. How’s the head?”

She narrowed her eyes and squeezed his throat harder.

“What the hell do you think you were doing?” She demanded.

“What might you be referring to, pet? When I took you to the Watcher’s for a cure, escorted you home, or helped you to bed?”

She released him and stepped back, crossing her arms and revealing the stake she’d been holding behind her back.

“I was thinking more about the part where you invaded my mouth.”

Spike laughed and rubbed his throat.

“Oh that’s rich. I invaded? As I remember, you were the one climbing on top of me. You were the one that started it.”

She scowled at him dangerously and he shot her a leer.

“I was in no state to make any decisions last night. Clearly, I had no clue what I was doing because jumping you is at the top of a list of things I’d never even consider. You baited me with stupid backwards logic and took advantage of me.”

“I didn’t force you into anything you didn’t want to do. You even told the Niblet you wanted to practice some more. That why you’re here? Put on a show to reassure yourself, then finish what you started?”

“I would rather die than kiss you again, Spike.”

He tilted his head at her, scowling.

“That right? Because you were singin’ a different tune the other night. How much of this is stuff you even remember? How much is just your sis fillin’ you in?”

Buffy glanced at the floor and shifted around from one foot to the other.

“Dawn was quick to remind me of my behavior this morning. A lot of it I’m pretty sure she made up, but sadly some I remember, and that is unfortunately one of the things I remember.”

He smirked and stalked closer to her. She stiffened and raised her stake a little higher but he had already stopped, keeping a bit of distance between them.

“Couldn’t shake the memory of what a real kiss was like then, eh Slayer? I wonder what the gang’s gonna think when Dawn tells them…”

“Dawn has been bribed into keeping her mouth shut on the subject. Spike, I swear, if you breathe a word of this to anyone…”

“You’ll stake me? You know Slayer. Some empty threats eventually run their course. You might wanna consider singing a different tune sometime.”

She glared at him before lowering her stake. She cocked her head to the side and then grinned. Spike was unsettled by her suddenly cheerful mood.

“What?” He asked, backing up a step.


We were at a party

His ear lobe fell in the deep

Someone reached in and grabbed it

It was a rock lob…


Spike clapped a hand over her mouth, his expression furious.

“Oh no, not that again.”

She pushed his hand away and smirked up at him.

“I think you were right. I should sing a different tune. Threatening to stake you doesn’t work anymore, so I think I’ll use torture instead. The kiss wasn’t all I remembered.”

“Fine. I won’t bloody tell anyone, all right? Just don’t sing that bloody song again.”

She was looking far too pleased with herself. Spike felt like evening the score a little. He calmed himself and gave her a half-lidded gaze, looking her up and down, pressing his tongue against his teeth. To his satisfaction her heart rate sped up. She looked back at him stony-faced trying to hide her reaction.

“Shame though. Might have been worth another try now you’re all coherent. Be able to make a proper judgment. What do you say, pet? One more go just to be sure you don’t want to do it again? Might bug you if you don’t.”

Buffy tried backing up but he followed her so she stopped. She tried pushing him away instead, but he caught her hand and leaned closer.

“Spike, don’t you dare…” she warned.

“Dare me, do you?” He grinned and then slammed his mouth down on hers, crushing her to him.

She gasped in surprise allowing him to slip his tongue into her mouth and taste her again. She froze at first but he nipped at her bottom lip and caressed her tongue with his and she moaned loudly, her body pressing against him. The sound shocked her and using all her strength she shoved him back away from her.

Spike’s eyes sparkled as he grinned at her. She covered her mouth with her hand, startled. He could hear her heart pounding and his nostrils flared, an unmistakable hint of arousal coming from her. He moved forward an inch, and she was gone, flying out the door so fast all he saw was a blur. He stared at the open door before shaking his head and closing it. He had her now. Things were about to change around here. He’d have to treat that smoke demon to a drink if he saw him again.

Buffy marched straight out of the cemetery and came to a sudden halt on the footpath, covering her head with her hands and groaning.

Crap! Crap! Crap!
Chapter Endnotes: So, enjoyable? Or just incredibly bizzare? I'm hoping both.

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