"Would you look at them? Seriously! It's like they don't even care I'm starving over here!"
"The nerve."
"I know, right? We come all the way down here-"
"It was a 50 minute flight, Xander."
"That's not the point! After what happened the last time-"
"Really, I think it's time you let that go, don't you? It's been a good few years, they must have ... bounced back by now." [grimace]
"Oh is that right? Well, let me remind you of that when Buffy turns your balls into pancakes."
"And my appetite has flown right out the window."
"Well mine hasn't. There's only so many packets of airline peanuts you can eat before you turn into Dumbo."
"A fitting description if ever I heard one."
"Who throws a party without finger sandwiches? In Britain, for God's sake! Isn't this the home of sandwiches?"
"The first history question you've ever asked me and it's about food."
"I've asked you about history before."
"When?"
[thinks] "I asked you if you went to see Stars Wars in the cinema, didn't I?"
"Silly me." [opens Scotch]
----------------------------------------------------------
"I don't think this is a good idea."
"So you've said. A million times. Stop being so paranoid. Every time you're round here you get all twitchy and weird."
"I can't help it. Can't you smell it?"
"Yeah, stupid Xander and his dry-roasted peanuts. I told him-"
"No, I mean in the air."
"What the hell are you talking about, Dawn?"
"That smell, that's what I'm talking about! It's everywhere, clogging the whole room. Can you really not smell it?"
"I'll tell you what I can smell. Fear. And it's wafting off you, little lady."
"No, it's not fear. It's them. Hunting for their next victim with their crazy lust-fueled supernatural pheromones."
[blank] "I honestly think you're starting to lose your mind, sweetie."
"I'm telling you, Will. They have a whole house full of people at their mercy. A. Whole. House."
"No more wine for you."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Pretty full turn-out, eh squirt?"
"Yeah."
"Why so glum? Thought you'd be bursting at getting an all-access to their house again."
"Buffy confiscated my camera."
"Oh." [chuckles]
"And my phone."
"Smart girl."
"I just don't understand why those two are so against being shown appreciation, that's all."
"I'm sure they like that much as the next go-gooder. What B doesn't like is her honey being the lust bunny of choice for random internet dudes and slayers."
"See that's what I just don't get, you know? If Spike were mine I'd shout it to the world and spend every day letting him know-"
"Hey, tone it down boy. B's got perky little ears and she ain't that far away."
[bravado] "I'm not afraid of her."
[derisive] "You're not?"
"Pfft, of course not. Spike would protect me, if it came down to it. We're tight."
"Only in certain orifices, squirt."
----------------------------------------------------------
"... they used to try and kill each other all the time but then Spike proposed one night in the graveyard and..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"...got married in Vegas when Willow did a spell on them-"
"No, that wasn't it! They got engaged because of a spell but then at the altar the spell was reversed and they had to pretend they didn't still want to get married even though they both totally did."
"That's not it! Stacey told me that Brown told her that she overheard Andrew saying ..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"... starred in an off-Broadway version of West Side Story back in the 50s which was why he dyed his hair later, so he wouldn't be recognised..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"...was with this other vampire or something but then Spike totally swept her off her feet and she killed the first vamp guy without batting an eye and they left town together and lived together for months before she came back all sad and then..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"...totally true! Stephanie Meyer like stalked them online and it's all really about them! Only Buffy has a spine and a personality and Spike's hot and not totally lame but still! How cool is that?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"...so romantic, you know? I keep trying to find a vamp like him but I always end up having to stake them before I can get past the 'hi my name is' part. They're so damn reactionary, you know ..."
----------------------------------------------------------
"I can't believe I'm actually here."
"Is it a little weird?"
"A little. Surreal more than anything."
"You're not gonna start brooding on me, are ya?"
"Very funny, Willow. I haven't brooded in years."
"What do you call standing against the wall at a party, talking to no-one and staring into your drink."
"Contemplation."
"Ah, of course. Well don't go contemplating too hard, okay? We barely get to see you around these days."
"Yeah, well Nina's still a little weird about the whole me and Spike having sex thing."
".. uh .."
"Which is ridiculous, you know? It was over 100 years ago. That's gotta be outwith the statute of limitations by now, right?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"... I mean a couple of pigs in blankets. Just something, you know? Just something to munch on-"
"Munch?" [tittering giggles]
"Yeah, munch Giles, like eat, you know?"
"Munch munch munch-" [giggles]
"Okay that's it. You'll get your Scotch back when you start making sense again."
----------------------------------------------------------
".. I mean you with your vamp ole-factorys, you must be able to smell it, right?"
"Um, Dawn, I'm not sure what you're-"
"It's like a tangible thing! I swear, it's like the air that surrounds them gets all electrified and swirly and next thing you know you're trying to claw your way down the stairs with a 105 degree fever and way too many facts about trees in your head-"
"Maybe you shouldn't drink so much wine, Dawn, huh?"
[silence]
[glare] "Are you in on it with them? Is that it?"
"Maybe I should go find Willow for you-"
"No, tell me! Are you like prepping me for them? You're like their wingman right? Like the iceman to their maverick or something?"
"I have no idea what you're-"
"TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!"
----------------------------------------------------------
"Hey Andrew, I know just how to cheer you up!"
"Oh I doubt that, goddess."
"Don't call me goddess, Andrew."
"Would you prefer Dark-Willow?"
"Do you want me to cheer you up or not?"
"Okay, hit me. But not literally."
"Okay." [smirk] "How do you feel about an inside-scoop involving hot vamp male-on-male action?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"Lookin' kinda sloshed, isn't he?"
"Oh thank god. Can you use some of that Slayer strength and help me slide him back up the wall?"
"Well now, that depends, don't it?"
[giggling] "Sloshed. Slosh slosh slosh-"
"On what?"
"On whether he's puked yet."
"Not yet but Faith, if he does, I swear on my fully-recovered testicles I will take that bullet for you if you just help me get him up."
[giggles] "Poor-shanders-teshtishles-" [giggles]
"Ew, what smells like peanuts?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"... the last time they totally ended up doin' it right in the training hall!"
"No way!"
"Yes way! They liked ordered us all out after the demo and they were all hot and flustered and sweaty-"
"Vampires don't sweat. Don't you ever study Carrie?"
"Well this one does, okay!"
----------------------------------------------------------
"Hey there. Don't you look all silent and sad?"
"Uh, Andrew right?"
[coy] "Yeah that's me. And you're Angel."
"Yeah, we met back when-"
"I betrayed you at the behest of Buffy, yeahyeah. I was really coming over to say how great I think it is, you know?"
"Uh, you mean Spike and Buffy..?"
"Well, of course that too but no, I meant more the whole human condition thing. How strong people can be even when they have no support, you know?"
"Uh, do you mind not stroking my arm?"
"Oh, sorry. I just thought I'd come over and .. reach out to you. You seem a little lost, that's all, and I wanted to let you know you're not alone."
"Yeah, well .. thanks but I already knew that."
"Oh yeah, that's right. You have a 'girlfriend'." [knowing glance]
"Why did you just air-quotes that?"
"Well it's just that I too have had some issues in the past when it came to Spike-"
"Not like mine, you haven't."
[sympathetic] "Oh Angel, Angel, Angel. We really should talk."
----------------------------------------------------------
"You look beautiful, luv."
"Thanks. You too."
"Oi. We've been over this before. Men aren't beautiful. Men are manly and rugged and-"
"So pretty it's hurts my eyes to look at you."
[surly] "Sometimes I miss having the ablility to vomit."
[giggle] "Can you believe this? 15 years."
"I know. Still think I'm gonna wake up in the crypt with you banging the door down to beat the hell outta me."
"Play your cards right."
"Ha-ha. You know what I mean, ducks."
[quiet] "Yeah, I do. I never thought I'd have this. Especially not with you."
"Oh cheers."
"Don't be difficult, I'm being honest. I just didn't think my soulmate would repel me quite as much as you did."
[sarcastic] "Oh please, keep the fluffiness comin', luv, don't think I'll ever come down from this high."
[laugh] "But you are, you know. My soulmate."
"Keep touching my cheek like that, luv, and 'mate' will be the operative word."
[sigh] "We should go back in. We are the guests of honour after all."
"First party I've ever had thrown for me and I have to share it. You little party-hogger."
"Hey, not with the little mister. I can kick your ass, you know."
"Please do." [smirk]
[flirty] "Well I guess we have partied enough already."
"Time for the great kick-out, luv?"
"Why not? It is our special night, after all."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Do you see what I see, luv?"
"Uh, yeah. Ew. Faith, what is that running down you?"
"The combined puke of an old idiot and a dead idiot, that's what."
"Oh my god! You killed Xander!"
"He's just out cold, luv, I can hear his heart still beating."
[giggling] "Faith squished him. Squish squish." [giggles]
"Oh shut up, you old fart. B, I'm borrowing some clothes. These dicks just tag-teamed me!"
"We mosht shertainly did not!"
[leans down] "Xander, are you okay?"
[mumbling] ".. too much Scotch .. not enough .. peanuts .."
"Luv, just leave him there, the watcher'll look after-"
"Shpike! Shpike, come here, I have to tell you-" [hiccup] "-something."
[warily leans down] "Yeah?"
"I am most-" [hiccup] "-happiest, for you and my shla .. shlay .. my Buffy-" [hiccup] "-and I wish you all the happiest happinesh in the-" [hiccup] "-world."
[teary] "Giles, that's so sweet, thank you."
"Yeah, watcher, that's really-"
"Were you-" [hiccup] "-really in Wesht Shide Shtory?"
"Was I what?"
"Go on, do 'America', go on Shpike-"
"Have you lost your-?"
[commotion in living room]
"That better not have been my Heal's lamp smashing!"
"Let's go check, luv. You be alright, watcher? Keep an eye on the whelp?"
[giggles] "Whelp!" [hiccup] "Whelp shwelp shedo-wop she-bop.."
"Yeah, you'll be fine."
----------------------------------------------------------
"What the hell is going on in here?"
"...got married in Vegas!"
"They did not!"
"Are you calling me a liar, Carrie?"
"No, I'm calling you a gullible tool!"
"Oh that is IT!"
"Yeah, you know what! That is it! Nobody move!"
"I'd listen to her, slay-runts. She really loved that lamp."
"Now listen up, mini-me's! Normally I'm pretty lenient with you all, hence my asking you to come over tonight and share in this joyous occasion with us. But then you went and broke my lamp, so now I'm going to have to kill you all."
"Oh hey, wow, wow Buffy. Okay, slay-runts. Who broke the lamp?"
[silence]
"It'll be better dealing with me than with her, trust me."
[small voice] "Weren't you like a mass-murderer a decade or so ago?"
"Yeah but I've got a soul now. And when Buffy's designer gear gets broke, she loses hers. So spill."
"I'm really sorry, Buffy, really."
"Yeah, we didn't mean it, we just-"
"She just started making up all these lies about you and Spike and I was trying to defend you-"
"You lying little cow!"
"ENOUGH!"
[silence]
"Party's over. Collect your things and get back to the hotel. Do not pass go, do not collect $200."
[blank stares]
"I think you lost 'em, luv."
"It's from Monopoly. The board game?"
"What's a board game? Is that like on Wii?"
"Okay, now you've broken my lamp AND you've made me feel old. Get the hell out because it is my party and I can kill if I want to."
[blank stares]
"Again, luv, it's a bit of an old refere-"
"OH JUST GET THE HELL OUT!"
----------------------------------------------------------
"Well, two rooms down, six more to go. Who're we still missing?"
"Andrew, Angel, Dawn and Will."
"Well I think I can call off one search."
"Who?"
"There's a heartbeat in the basement."
"Let's go get 'em then."
"Should we take weapons?" [smirk]
[glare] "You get that I'm still mourning my lamp, right?"
[contrite] "Right, sorry. So what's behind door number ... holy mother of god."
[whispered] "What the hell are they doing?"
[whispered] "Looks like they're cuddling, ducks. Or at least, Andrew's trying very hard to make it so-"
[whispered] "If you make me laugh, Spike, I won't be able to stop. Get them out before I die."
"Hey, Beavis and Five-head! Cuddling time is up, party's over!"
"Oh hey guys, me and Angel were just looking for a place out of the way to have a chat but it's a little harder than I thought it would be." [pointed look]
[barely contained mirth] "Oh? And what were you two chatting about? In a basement. In the dark."
"Oh you know, this and that."
"Oh for the love of ... Spike, get your pasty ass down here and explain to this pig-headed imbecile that I am not now, nor was I ever, in love with you in any way, shape or form."
[giggles] "I'm not sure what you mean, grandpa-"
"Don't call me that!"
"That's it, big guy, let it all out. You'll never get over him and accept yourself if you keep bottling it all up!"
[clenched teeth] "Get this moron away from me before I lose my soul, Buffy."
"What, you afraid he'll give you a happy, peaches?"
"I mean it, Spike! This is the last warning-"
[encouraging] "That's it Angel, keep going, don't direct the anger inside, let it all out!"
[hides face in Spike's arm] "Mmph." [chuckles]
"IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE I'M GOING TO RIP YOU INTO PIECES BOY!"
"Yes, finally! Let it all out!"
"ARGHHH! You are without doubt the stupiest person I have ever met in my entire life! You just get under my skin and won't stop annoying me and following me around with your high-school psychology and who follows a mass-murdering demon into a dank basement anyway, you little freak? You just ..."
"Hey! Our basement is not dank!"
"I don't think they're listening to us anymore, pet. Let's leave them to it, shall we?" [smirk]
"... get it through your skull, I don't want you to save me or help me get over anything! You're just like Spike with his comments and his swagger and his stupid goddamn hair and all those..."
"Yeah, why not? Sounds like he's got some stuff to work out." [chuckles] "We still have two more to find anyway." [closes door quietly]
----------------------------------------------------------
"Upstairs we go then, pet."
"Do you have to narrate everything we do?"
[deflated] "Just felt like a narrating moment, that's'all."
"Oh, well in that case, Buffy takes a step. Spike takes a step. Buffy takes a-OW!"
"Spike slapped Buffy's arse. Buffy deserved it."
"Buffy's gonna break Spike's fingers."
"It doesn't work if you're saying what's going to happen, luv. It has to be what's happening or what's already happened."
"Are you saying you want me to break your fingers right now?"
"No-"
"Well then, shut up."
[moaning] [groaning] [gasping]
"That better not be what I think it is."
"What do you think it is?"
"I think it's two people having sex."
"Since when were you the sex Nazi, Mr Let's-Avoid-All-Non-Sexual-Activity?"
"Since people that aren't us are making sex noises in our house and the only people left to find include my little nibblet, that's when!"
"Your 'little nibblet' is 29 years old!"
"Your point being?"
[condescending] "That every daddy eventually has to let go."
"Bullshit, I'm not letting go! I don't care who it is in there, I'll break his hands off!"
"You know, I'm somebody's little girl, Spike, and it never bothers you when you and me have sex."
"Yeah, because your dad is a grade-A cunt, so you deserve a good shagging every few hours."
"I'm gonna overlook the multitude of things in that sentence that make me wanna hurt you A LOT and focus on what has just occurred to me and is currently wigging me out something awful."
"Which is?"
[ashen-faced] "We're still looking for Dawn."
"Yeah?"
"And .. Willow."
[confused] "Oh .. well that's just .. normally I'd be .. but the nibblet .. no, no, no ..."
"Okay, don't freak out honey, it's okay, deep breaths-"
"I don't breathe, Buffy!"
"Well pretend then, you jackass! Look, it's not like there's anything we can do about it anyway! They're adults!"
"Fuck off, there's bloody plenty we can do!"
[door kicked off its hinges]
"Alright, Red! Get the hell off my .. Faith!"
[scrambling] "What the hell, you guys! Out out out!"
"Did you just call Faith yours, Spike?"
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me, Buffy."
"Yo, B, you guys wanna take this elsewhere?"
"Yo, F, you wanna quit pointing that thing at me?"
[smirk] "Which one?"
[shields eyes] "Both of them."
"Come on, Buffy, please-"
"Okay, okay, we're sorry, really. We'll just .. SPIKE!"
[starlted] "What? What?"
[fuming] "Turn around and get out of here before I poke out your goddamn eyeballs!"
"Alright, jesus."
[shielding eyes] "We'll just be going. Sorry, you guys, really. I'll just, uh, wedge the door into the-"
"OUT!"
[jumps] "Okay, sorry."
----------------------------------------------------------
"So, uh, that was a turn up for the books, eh?"
[silence]
"Buffy?"
[silence] [glare]
"Oh come on, we're not really gonna have this fight again, are we?"
"What fight would that be Spike? The one that we always have after I catch you staring at Faith's naked .. stuff!"
[chuckles fondly] "Stuff. You are so bloody cute, Buffy-"
"Don't touch me, Spike! This is just the last straw-"
"No, you know what? No. Come here." [grabs Buffy] "Listen to me, luv. I know that deep-down inside there's not an inch of you that genuinely believes I would or could ever want another person on the face of this earth other than you. You know that you are absolutely everything to me and without you, I'm dust. So yeah, I'll look at girl's goodies and yeah, I'll pick fights with you cause we both love it. But you know fine well that you are it for me. You know it, just like I know I'm it for you. So on any other day of the year I would say bring on the fight and make-up sex, cause a good time is always had. But not today, ducks. So don't go looking for a fight when finally, at the end of this long bloody day, all we have to do is find the nibblet before we can go to bed and I can be alone with you, which you know is all I've wanted since I last had you alone."
[teary] "That is the best way you have ever got out of me dumping you, Spike."
[grins] "I'm good, aren't I?"
"You're the best baby."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Oh, there she is."
"Well that was easier than I thought."
[mumbling]
"Think she's a bit worse for wear, luv."
[mumbling] "...don't leave me..."
"Aw, Dawnie, we won't leave you-"
[mumbling] ".. alone with them .. freaks .."
"Huh. She must be having a nightmare, poor baby."
"Yeah, poor baby. Well now that we've found the poor baby, what's say we dump her on the couch in the living room and celebrate our anniversary in style, luv."
"How you can go from dreamboat to pig in 40 seconds flat will never cease to amaze me, Spike."
"What? Have you already forgotten my dreamy-speech? Thought that would buy me at least one night of anger-free Buffy."
"Well it would have if you hadn't immediately turned back into the Dick-Monster."
[smirk] "Oooh, I like that one. The Dick-Monster, strikes fear in the hearts of .. uh-"
[laugh] "Aw, poor Dick-Monster's suffering from stage fright."
"Hey! I'm just tired is all. Couldn't think of a good enough line." [grumbling]
"So let me get this straight. You started out strong and then you deflated too quickly. Sort of like premature ejaculation of the brain, huh?"
"Watch what you're saying, Buffy."
"Oh, you're right, I wouldn't want you to verbally lash me all half-assed, would I? Might die of boredom waiting for the killing blow."
"I'll bloody well show you boredom!"
"You said it baby!"
[irate] "I'm just tired, that's all! I'll be back in full quip mode tomorrow and then just you wait, you little bitch."
[glare] "Don't call me a bitch, Spike-"
[waking up] [mumbling] ".. Buffy?"
[glare] "Well don't act like one then!"
"You just called me a bitch again!"
[eyes crack open] ".. Buffy?"
"Well you're acting like a first class one, you little-"
"Don't call me a bitch, you dickhead!"
[mumbling] "... oh god no, oh god, it's a nightmare, just a nightmare ..."
"Oh so you can call me a dickhead but I can't retaliate! Typical bloody bitchy Summers-"
"ARGHHHH!"
[mumbling] "... help me, Willow ... get me .. out of .. here .."
"Mmmph! Spike!"
"Oh god, Buffy-"
"Oh god, kill me."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Mornin' mate!"
"Ah, please, would you mind not speaking quite so loudly?"
"Ooh, sorry mate. Where you two off to then?"
"Gatwick, please."
"Late night?"
"You could say that, yes. Xander, try not to drool on the leather, I don't want to have to pay for this taxi to be steam-cleaned."
[mumbling] "Eugh.."
"Serves you right for finishing off my Scotch."
"So, quite a few cabs called for that house. Have yourselves a good party last night?"
"Eh, yes. From what I can remember of it anyway."
"That's always the best kind, mate."
"Not in the bright light of day it's not."
[mumbling] "Eugh.."
"Xander, please tell me I didn't ask Spike to perform songs from West Side Story?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"So where's we off to this morning, ladies ... oh wow ..."
"18-" [kissing] "-West Hope-" [kissing] "Street."
"Oh wow .. wow-"
"Step on it, dude!"
"Wow."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Where you headin', mate?"
"Heathrow."
"So how was your-"
"Don't talk. Just drive."
"Huh. Okay." [mumbling] "Broody motherfucker."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Where we goin', son?"
"Oh, into the city please sir."
"Anywhere in particular?"
"Uh, well, near .. well Soho would be okay, I guess."
[knowing smirk] "Uh-huh."
"They've got some great supermarkets in Soho, you know."
"Sure they do, son, sure they do."
----------------------------------------------------------
"Where you headin', luv? Luv? Oh hey, you don't look too good. You okay?"
"Just drive, please."
"Sure thing, luv. Where you looking to go?"
"I don't want to go anywhere. I want to be driven around in a bubble all day so I can forget that I was scarred for life by my family last night, only to crawl out of the room and across the hall to be scarred by my best friend and flatmate. Just drive."
"Are you sure-?"
[hiss] "Drive!"
"Yes, ma'am."
----------------------------------------------------------
[contented sigh] "Morning baby."
[smile] "Morning' luv."
"I love you."
"Love you too, kitten."
[smiling] [kissing]
"So, you think everyone had fun last night?"
"With us playing hosts? No doubt in my mind, pet."
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So this is the last chapter. Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed this fic, I'm so glad people got it :D A couple of notes for the chapter: all the random lines of dialogue are the various mini-slayers gossiping and Soho is a sex area in London. I hope you all enjoy this and I hope it's clear who's speaking when. It's a lot harder, this dialogue only approach, when you have umpteen characters all chatting at once lol.
Chapter End Notes:
The End