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Author's Chapter Notes:
Poor little Xander.
"Okay that's it - BOTH OF YOU STOP! Right now! Spike, you back off and Buffy, put down the kitchen knife! ... Okay, now, normally I think you'll both agree it takes a lot to freak me out, the Xand-man is pretty coolio about most things. What doesn't enhance my calm is the sight of a couple in love trying to garotte each other with household appliances. If you both just chill out a bit--"

"Tell her to calm down, you gimp! She's the one that reached for the knife!"

"Oh yeah, and what? You wrapped the dishtowel around my neck to give me a massage!?"

"It was a defensive move and you know it, Slayer! You had that rhino look in your eyes, you know - charge!"

[whispering] "Ah, I don't think you should anger the rhino even more, Spike."

"Did you just call me fat, Spike?"

[facepalm] "Oh god, it's getting worse."

"Oh, for god's sake! You know what? Yes, I did. I called you fat, Slayer. I looked at you in your size six jeans with your protruding hipbones and your Belsen victim face and I called you fat because I am just that bloody stupid!"

"Now you're saying I look like a Holocaust survivor! THAT IS IT!"

"No, stop! Stop! Stop with the .... ARRRRGGHHHH!"

"Oh god, Xander! I'm sorry! Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Why the hell are you apologising to him? You never apologise when you do that to me."

"Oh god, Xander! Spike, help me, I think I've really hurt him!"

"Oh, you think? What gave it away; the writhing on the floor or the silent scream etched on his face?"

"Stop standing there making jokes and help me!"

[moaning] "Uugggghhhh."

"Give 'im a minute and he'll be fine, Slayer. Let me ... oh, at least put down the rolling pin, woman. I ain't comin' any closer til it's gone."

"Fine, just help me! Get his other arm and help me get him to the couch."

[moaning] "Please, get them ..."

"Get who? What? Oh god, Xander, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Mind his legs, Spike, lay them out on the couch."

"There. The whelp'll be fine, all cozied on the couch. So if you don't mind, I'm going to go reach minimum safe distance before you start trying to blame me for this."

"Spike, shh, Xander's trying to say something. What is it, Xand? Tell me how to help."

[wretching] "They're ... stuck .. get ... them ... out!"

"I think he's over the cuckoo's nest, Slayer."

"Shut up! Get who out, Xander? I don't understand."

[groaning] "Stuck ... hurts ..."

"I think he's in shock. Oh god, should we take him to the hospital?"

"And say what? He got accidentally beat up by a 90 pound girl with a rolling pin?"

"It doesn't matter what we say! He might be really hurt, Spike. Stop being such an asshole."

"I'm the asshole!? Which of the two of us just rammed Harris in the nuts with enough force to knock out King Kong!?"

[moaning] "White ... pain ..."

"It wouldn't have happened if you weren't being such an enormous dick-head and you know it, Spike! You always push me - you push me and then I snap and break things and it's all your stupid bleached fault!"

"All I heard was enormous dick and then I stopped listening, luv."

"ARGH!"

[right hook]

"Ow! Bloody hell!"

"This is what we're going to do, Spike. Are you listening?"

"Just wrapping my head around the spousal abuse you just threw my way."

"No. More. Joking."

"I'm all ears, pet."

"You're going to go get the car and bring it round to the front."

[moaning] "Please ... get them ... out ..."

"Why am I getting the car?"

"Because we're taking Xander to the hospital, that's why".

"Oh for god's sake, he's fine! Look at him!"

[writhing] "Rolling ... pin ... don't ... Buffy ..."

"See? He's fine, Slayer! He'll snap right out of it."

"He's delirious, Spike! I'm worried about him, I hit him really hard! Poor Xander."

"Poor Xander!? That hit was intended for me! I bet you wouldn't be driving me to the hospital if you'd struck your intended target!"

[moaning] "Hospital ... please ..."

"Well, of course I wouldn't! People that drive up to A & E demanding a corpse needs treatment for bruised testicles tend to draw unwanted attention, Spike!"

[moaning] "Ow ... it hurts ..."

"Everytime we fight you always call me a corpse! You don't see me calling you a sweaty-human-blood-bag do you?"

[glare] "What did you just call me?"

----------------------------------------------------------


"Ah, Xander, you're back. How are things down south?"

"Bruised."

[distracted] "Good. I trust things went well?"

"Well, Giles, if you took your nose out of that book long enough to listen to me I'm sure you'd find out."

"Hmm? Yes, well that's good."

"Yeah, it's all good, nothing wrong at all. Will's good and Dawn's good and Buffy and Spike are excellent. In fact a funny thing happened, you wanna hear about it?"

[distracted] "Of course, I'm listening."

"Right. Well, Buffy made me dinner and it was surpisingly edible. We had a good chat. I even played Xbox with Spike. Then we watched TV".

[reading] " ... sceptre on the night of solstice. Oh yes, Xander, that's sounds great."

"Yeah, what a lovely trip. Really gonna stick in the memory, you know? At 8 o'clock in the evening Spike mentioned Buffy's dress looked like an old one of Dru's and 4 hours later I had to have my testicles retrieved from high up inside my stomach through a surgical procedure."

[distracted] "Yes, holidays are just lovely."

"Of course it would have been less than 4 hours if it wasn't for the fact that we nearly mowed down some pensioners at a bus stop when Buffy and Spike couldn't stop trying to blame each other while he was driving us to the hospital. Not to mention the waiting around in plastic chairs once we got to the hospital."

[reading] "Child to the man, serpent to the ..."

[sighing fondly] "I'll remember it always - me perched on the edge of the seat in the throes of white hot agony while Spike and Buffy took turns banging each other's heads off the waiting room door. The sweet old lady who tried to intervene being pushed into the plant pot. And the cherry on the cake was when Buffy and Spike used my private post-surgery hospital room to have make-up sex while they thought I was sleeping. Really puts those summers as a kid at the lake into perspective, you know?"

[distracted] "Eh yes. Really, Xander, this is a very important text, I'm sorry, but could we do this later?"

[sigh] "Of course, Giles. I'll be down in the training room if you need me."

"Thank you. It's good to have you back, Xander".

----------------------------------------------------------

ring ring ... ring ring ....

"Xand-man here, what can I do for you?"

"Xander, I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you earlier--"

"No Giles, it's cool."

"But my ears heard, it just took a while to travel to my brain. Delayed hearing aside, I was just phoning to--"

"Giles!"

"--inquire about your bruised testicles?"

"Uh, Giles ... you're on speaker."

"Ah".

"No, it's really fine and yes I did come in earlier and tell you about those uh, pustules - those bruised pustule having demons that we ran into down south with Buffy and Spike."

[whispering] "Yes, well done. [Loudly] Yes, well I hope everything is alright with the, uh, pustule demons. And now that you're back be sure to call me when you're done with the training, yes?"

"Gotcha, G-man. Ahem. So, young Slayers. I hope you're all familiar with Trillbain demons because that's what we're going to be testing you on this afternoon - their weakness, strengths, the whole enchilada. Pretty soon you're going to be facing creatures that strong for real, we need to build up your knowledge of them so you feel as prepared as possible before going into battle. You're on your way to being fully-fledged slayers, girls. It's time we got serious. So, any questions?"

"You talk to Mr Giles about your testicles?"

"I am never visiting that insane couple again."


Chapter End Notes:
Probably not the end.



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