[Reviews - 22]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2018 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Ahhh an Angel chapter ... he deserves what he gets :D
"Well, this is nice."

"Yeah."

[grumble] "Yeah, great."

"I mean who'd've thought it, right? You, me and Spike all sitting down to an actual meal. No awkwardness, no fighting, no death and mayhem--"

"Don't count your chickens, luv."

"What was that, Spike?"

"I said are we having chicken, luv?"

[suspicious] "Steak."

"Kinky."

"Yes, we're having steak, a stake could kill a vampire, you're both vampires, it's all so funny. Can we please enjoy a pun-free meal from here on out?"

"It's really good to see you, Buffy. It's been way too long. And you're right, this is very .. nice."

"Nice to see Buffy? What about me, peaches? Two whole years have passed since you last saw me. Do you know how many Irish jokes I've been storing up just for you?"

"Oh joy."

"Wanna hear one? A giant prick of an Irishman with a massive forehead and a tendency to brood walks into a bar--"

"Spike! Please. Let's just have a nice meal together and try to enjoy each other's company, okay?"

[grumbling] "Yes."

"Buffy, this smells wonderful."

[mimicking] "This smells wonderful, pfft."

"What was that, Spike?"

"Nothing, sweetness. Just echoing the poof's sentiments."

"Good. I tried to leave as much blood in the steak as possible, the way Spike likes it. That's okay right, Angel?"

"Yeah, that's great, Buffy. Thanks for this, it's been a while since someone's made me a meal with human food and everything."

"Oh. Well, it's okay, isn't it?"

"Of course, Buffy, it's great--"

"I never thought you wouldn't .. it's just that Spike always eats meals with me."

"Buffy, really, I can eat food too. It's the act of sitting eating together that's important, right Spike?"

"Uh, Slayer? Why is his steak bloodier than mine?"

"Spike, they're exactly the same."

"Yeah, Spike, your's looks just as good as mine."

"And just what the hell is that face, peaches?"

"What face? This is just my face."

"Then why are you smirking like you just caught sight of Buffy's knickers?"

"Spike!"

"No, Slayer, he's got that 'I'm number one' look on his face cause you gave him the better steak!"

"I didn't give him the better steak, Spike. They're exactly the same."

"Well, his is bigger!"

"That's more God's fault than Buffy's, Spike."

"Very funny, peaches, but Buffy's seen them both and she already knows your's looks like a cocktail sausage and mine looks like a baby's arm."

"Oh for god's sake, can't we just eat!? I just spent two hours cooking this!"

"It took you two hours to serve up raw steak?"

[glare] "Angel, are you looking to share the bad corner with Spike?"

"I .. I'm sorry Buffy. I think it's great you went to all this trouble of preparing us a proper meal. Really, thank you."

[grumbling] "Oh, you make me sick."

"Alright, enough. The meal is cooked--" [pointed glare] "--and on the table. Let's all pretend we're above the age of 12 and enjoy it together, yes?"

"Of course, Buffy."

[huff] "Sure thing, ducks."

"Good. Dig in."

----------------------------------------------------------


"Spike! There is a bloody trail of steak and gravy sliding down my wall! I want an explanation and I want it right now!"

"Oh this is just bloody typical! I might have fucking guessed it! The wanker is here for an hour and already you're playing the Let's All Blame Spike game! Why is it always my fault, huh? Why do you always assume I'm the one who's snapped? Why aren't you blaming that giant turd for ruining your precious bloody wall?"

"Because his steak is still on his plate and your's is suspiciously absent, Spike."

"Oh."

"I can explain, Buffy."

"Oh I don't think so, you hairy Irish wanker! 'I was just sitting here like an innocent fluffy lamb when Spike flipped out and tried to murder the wall!' I'll do the explaining thanks very much, Angelus!"

"Fine, Spike, explain away. Tell Buffy all about how you threw a hissy fit over nothing the second she left the room."

"I will! I mean no! That's not what happened at all, ducks!"

"I'm listening, Spike, but I'm not hearing an explanation and my God! Would you at least pick the damn thing up! It's staining the carpet now!"

"Don't worry luv. I'll suck the blood out later like I did with the fish."

"You what!?"

[panicked] "I'm kidding, I don't know why I said that! What I meant was I'll clean it up very carefully with a sponge!"

[disgusted] "You suck blood out of the carpet?"

"Shut up, peaches! Buffy, please, he was just goading me! You know what he's like! He said he was going to move in on you!"

[sigh] "Spike."

"Okay, he didn't say it but he hinted at it!"

[annoyed sigh] "Spike!"

"Alright fine. But he was thinking it, I know he was!"

"For the last time, I'm not interested in Buffy any more. I've been with Nina for years!"

"Oh right, you're not interested in the most perfect woman in the world because you'd rather shag a dog! How stupid do you think I am you wanker!?"

"Don't call her a dog!"

"Why not? Actually now I think about it you're the perfect couple: she's a dog and you're a bitch!"

"Buffy, I'm trying really hard not to make this worse but he is acting like a 4 year old!"

"Oh what, now you're telling mummy on me!?"

"You need a damn mother, you bleached fool! I came round here for a nice evening with old friends and now I have gravy on my favourite coat!"

"Old friends, yeah right! The only time you've ever liked either of us was when you were having sex with us! All the rest of the time we were an afterthought to your over-inflated ego!"

[startled silence]

"What did you say, Spike?"

[baffled] "What, luv? What did I say?"

"You said that Angel had sex with .. us?"

[defensive] "I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did!"

"Well, it was a slip of the tongue then."

"Did you .. have you two ... have you had sex!?"

[outraged] "NO!"

[sputtering] "Nu-ooh."

"Oh my ... oh my god!"

"Oh well done, William, bravo."

"It's not what you think, luv!"

"All this time--"

"No! Not all this time! There's no all, ducks!"

"I always just thought it was about some vampire pissing contest or about me but ... God, I should've known! Being a dick is how Spike flirts!"

"Wow, hold on, there is no flirting."

[offended] "That's not how I flirt!"

"God I .. I can't believe this!"

"Buffy, calm down, me and Spike--"

"Have you been having sex with my mate, Angel!?"

"God, NO!"

"Luv, stop it wasn't--"

"Is that what you were doing that year in LA when I thought you were dead!?"

"NO! God, luv, no!"

"I can't believe this! I was grieving for you! I cried actual non-metaphorical tears every night and the whole time you were shacking up with him!"

"I wasn't shacking up with him! I was a bleedin' ghost, Buffy!"

"Oh, that's the oldest excuse in the book!"

"What!? There is no book for this, Buffy!"

"You know what I mean!"

"Luv, you're getting worked up over nothing."

"Oh, it's nothing is it, Spike? Having sex with someone else when I thought you were dead is nothing!?"

"Oh, for God's sake! You were bumpin' uglies with the Immortal, woman! Yeah, you must've been grieving real hard."

"That's a good point actually."

"Stay out of this, peaches! You and your penis!"

"I've told you a thousand times, Spike; The Immortal was a rebound!"

"Oh, that's great! It's such a comfort to know that in the midst of your grief, you rebounded from me right onto my immortal enemy's cock. Gosh, I feel so much better!"

"UGH!"

[dodging] "Stop .. throwin' .. mashed .. bloody .. potatoes .. at .. me!"

"You unbelievable pig! All these years I've been feeling bad for hooking up with him and the whole time you were living it up in LA with this moron!"

"Hey!"

"For the last damn time: I. Was. Not. Shaggin'. Angel. In. L. A!"

[glare] "Willow and her truth spell is just a phone call away Spike."

"Fine, phone her! I've got nothing to hide here, Slayer!"

"Buffy, he's telling the truth."

"Both of you just shut up! I need to think--"

[silence]

[huff] "Right, let me get this straight: you two had sex--"

"A long time ago, luv, and it was only once."

"No talking, Spike!"

"Could I say something?"

[glare] "Do you want me to castrate you with the butter knife, Angel?"

"Uh, not really."

"Well then, shut up!" [calming breaths] "Okay, I may be over-reacting. It was a long time ago, right?"

"Am I allowed to speak now, luv?"

"Yes."

"Okay, it was long before we were ever together, sweets, and it was just the once."

"Okay, just the once, okay."

"Kinda like you and me, Buffy."

[glare] "Not. Helping. Peaches."

"Right, sorry. Uh, maybe I should just go--"

"No, no, it's fine. Really, it's fine. I was being silly. It's fine."

"If you're fine, why do you keep saying you're fine?"

[clenched jaw] "To make it as clear as possible that I am fine, Angel, that's why."

[nervous] "Yeah. I mean you sure do look .. fine."

"It's all okay, really. So you two had sex! What does it really matter? So you never told me! Who cares, right? So you've seen my boyfriend's penis and touched him and kissed him and seen his eyes when he gets all--"

"Okay! Let's move on, yeah? Angel?"

"Moving on."

"Ducks?"

"All forgotten. I over-reacted and it's all .. fine."

"Good."

"Great."

"Okay. Pick your dinner up off the floor and let's eat."


----------------------------------------------------------


"Oh god, you have no idea how happy I am to be back. I missed you."

[glare] "You unimaginable son of a bitch!"

"Wait, what? Ow! Stop .. Why are you .. Nina!"

"You had sex with Spike!?"

"How did .. Ow! .. Who told you that?"

"Buffy did! She phoned me and told me all about it, you bastard!"

"Nina, stop .. OW! No biting!"

"I can't believe you! You were cheating on me when we first got together!? Okay, we weren't exclusive but still, you couldn't have at least told me the truth? I can't tell you how many body parts I'm gonna bite off at the next full moon."

"I have never cheated on you! I swear! You must have misunderstood!"

"Oh, so now I'm a liar!? Or are you saying Buffy was lying? Have you not had sex with Spike then?"

"Well .. yes but--"

"I knew it! You utter asshole!"

"Ow, stop! She can't have told you the whole story, Nina!"

"Oh, she told me alright! She told me about how she found the love letters you've been sending him for years, how you've been chasing him since your 100 year old affair ended when he and Buffy got back together after LA, how you couldn't get over the fact he dumped you for her!"

"WHAT!? She's lying, Nina, I swear!"

"You didn't hear her voice! She was so upset! Her voice was cracking through the whole phone call!"

"No! This is a huge mistake, Nina, you have to believe me!"

"God, I always wondered. You were always so hesitant to accept them as a couple. I used to think it was because she meant something to you, but it turns out you were just mourning the loss of your man-lover!"

"Ow! I didn't .. this isn't right, Nina, please!"

"Get the hell out of this room! You can sleep on the couch!"

[door slams]

[baffled] "I don't ... can I at least get my pyjamas?"


----------------------------------------------------------


"And you always called me evil."

"Oh, I'll phone her back tomorrow and tell her the truth."

"My little shit-stirrer."

"He deserves it."

"Never thought you'd be able to make me feel bad for the poofter, luv, but you've managed it. Can't imagine the hell he's being put through right now."

"That's what he gets for messing with my mate."

"Aw, little possessive Buffy. You'd be so damn cute if you weren't utterly terrifying."

"Hmph."

"You know he hasn't actually done anything wrong here, ducks. The whole thing with us was years before either of you birds were even born."

"Yeah, well in my mind I just found out he had sex with the man I consider my husband. Excuse me for feeling the need for revenge."

"I bet dog-girl's using his bollocks as a chew toy right now."

"Ew, Spike. No more dog puns, please."

"Before he knows it his relationship will be .. r'over!"

[silence]

"R'over, Slayer, get it? See, I said the word 'over' in a Scooby Doo voice. Scooby Doo was a dog and Rover is a dog's name."

[silence]

"It's a double-sided dog pun, Slayer, do you get it?"

"If you don't shut up and quit making shit jokes, you're going to get it."

"Promises, promises."

[coy] "Get over here and I'll make it a reality then."

[teasing] "What'll you do if I call out Angel's name at the wrong time?"

"I'll stick something a hell of a lot bigger than Angel's penis up your ass."

"Oh you kinky little minx."


Chapter End Notes:
TBC



You must login (register) to review.