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Author's Chapter Notes:
I hope you enjoy this more than Andrew does :)
"Come on out, Andrew."

"Yeah, runt, come on out here."

[muffled] "I don't wanna!"

"Andrew, he was only kidding on. You know Spike, he's a joker!"

"Yeah, I was only joking, you little freak! Like that time I burst through a wall and chomped on your jugular!"

[whispering] "Stop it! Unless you want him to live in our bathroom til the end of time, I suggest you start being nicer, Spike."

"Well seein' as how I don't need the bathroom, being undead and all, it occurs to me this is your problem to fix, Slayer."

"Oh really? Well in that case it occurs to me I won't ever have sex with you again!"

[chuckling] "Oh please, like that would ever happen."

"Alright fine .. I'll start wearing bras again."

[a beat]

"GET OUT HERE, ANDREW!"

[muffled] "You'll hurt me again!"

"No I won't, you little fre--" [arm pinch] "--ow!"

[whispering] "Nice!"

[huff] "Of course I won't hurt you, Andrew. We're friends, aren't we?"

[silence]

[muffled] "We're friends?"

"Of course we are."

[muffled] "You promise?"

[clenched teeth] "Yes."

[muffled] "You won't twist my arm any more?"

[clenched teeth] "No."

[muffled] "And you won't make me take my site down?"

"Oh now hold on a minute--"

"Spike, what harm is it really doing?"

"Oh that's easy for you to say! You're not the one with an online shrine, woman!"

"Well I had the pleasure of my very own tactile one courtesy of the love of my life, didn't I?"

"That was 10 years ago! Jesus, you have the memory of an elephant!"

"You are very lucky you said memory, Spike."

"Don't go making this into a you and me argument, luv. This is nothing to do with you. This is about that little freak--"

[muffled] "You said we were friends!"

"--putting pictures and videos and stories about me on the bleedin' internet without my knowledge!"

"Well now you know. Let it go, Spikey."

"No! I am not a flippin' Star Trek doll! I don't want a fanclub!"

[muffled] "It's more of a message board--"

"Oh, so you don't like fanclubs when it's Andrew's freaky friends--"

[muffled] "Hey!"

"--but you can handle it fine when it's the young slayers batting their eyelashes and being all 'oh Spike, you're so strong, oh Spike, you're so fit, oh Spike, you're so dead!'"

[smirk] "Oh, little bitty jealous Buffy--"

"Get. Your. Finger. Off. My. Nose."

"I can't control him. He's got a mind of his own, pet."

"You're perfectly willing to claim ownership when he does things I like though, aren't you? Get it off!" [slap]

"Ow! Yeah well, you just see if he gives you any special treatment tonight, luv."

"This is ridiculous. Andrew, please, come out of the bathroom! Spike is not going to hurt you and you don't have to take your site down--"

"Yes, he bloody does!" [turning to door] "Yes, you bloody do!"

[muffled] "It's done out of admiration, Spike! I made it because you're admired and we want some place to share our lo--admiration!"

[chuckling] "It's really sweet, Spike, come on."

"It is not sweet! It's invasive and creepy and it's not something--"

[muffled] "Faith says it's a compliment!"

[silence]

"Faith knew about this?"

[muffled] "Yeah, Buffy, Faith was the first member. It's Slayer approved!"

[smirk] "Well, well, well. Isn't that interesting, ducks?"

"Andrew, come out of the bathroom."

[muffled] "You promise you won't let him hurt me, Buffy?"

"I promise Spike will not hurt you."

[door unlocks]

"It's a private site, Spike, I have to okay anyone who wants to--UGH!"

"Luv, what--?"

[strangled] "You said you wouldn't hurt me!"

"I said Spike wouldn't hurt you, you little weasel!"

"Luv, come on."

"You put pictures of my Spike on the internet and shared them with your creepy obsess-o-freak friends!?"

[wheezing] "Hunghhh."

"You said it was sweet two seconds ago, pet."

"That was when I thought it was nerds! You showed pictures of Spike with his top off to FAITH!?"

[strangled] ".. can't .. breathe .."

"It doesn't matter, luv. It's not like she hasn't seen the real thing."

[grip released] "WHAT!?"

"I think you made him pass out, luv, he's sliding down our wall--"

"When did Faith see the real thing, Spike, huh?"

"Oh for god's sake. You really need to get over this single-white-female thing, pet."

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"Jesus, have a heart for those of us with super-hearing, luv."

"I swear to god, if you don't answer me right now--"

"It was years ago, back in Sunnydale in the basement. Remember? You caught us having a smoke together?"

"Oh, right." [grumbling] "Having a smoke, pfft."

"That's all it was, luv, and you know it."

"Funny, but when you have a cigar with Giles at Christmas I never catch you reclining half-naked on a bed with him, Spike!"

[annoyed sigh] "Of all the differences we suffer through on a daily basis, this is what you want to argue about? Something inconsequential that happened 8 years ago?"

"Well, we never had a chance to discuss it, did we?"

"Oh that's right we didn't, luv, because we were under the threat of apocolypse and then that thing happened. What was that again? Oh right, I remember - I LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE SAVING YOUR PRETTY LITTLE ARSE!"

"You insufferable jackass! I saved my own ass! I was the main event, buster. You were the lightshow to cap off the evening!"

"Lightshow!? I can't .. you .. I died saving the world and you're relating it to Guy Fawke's night!?"

"Hey, I've died saving the world twice now and you don't see me throwing a pity party, do you?"

"Oh nooo! Of course not! Cause you didn't spend an ENTIRE YEAR wallowing in your pathetic self pity, did you? What was I thinking!"

"How dare you!"

"That's right. Came back from the dead to bone yours' truly. Gosh, what a tough time for you!"

"Meanwhile you came back from the dead and got your freak back on with Angel!"

"Argh! How many times do I have to say it! I. Was. Not. Having. Sex. With. Angel!"

"You know, I don't even believe that any more--"

"Like you ever did anyway! You never believe a word I say, woman!"

"Because you talk shit, that's why! You always have!"

"Give me one example then, smartarse!"

[imitating] " 'I'm gonna kill you on Saturday, pet' "

"Don't imitate me, Buffy, I hate that."

[imitating] " 'Oh now that you've kicked my ass I should clarify I didn't mean this Saturday, I meant next week, Slayer, beware!' "

"Very funny, you can stop now--"

[imitating] " 'You belong in the dark with me, Slayer' "

"Like you've never made a mistake in our relationship, Buffy!"

"Nowhere near as many as you have, dickhead!"

"Oh really?" [high-pitched] " 'You're beneath me, Spike, I'm never gonna love you!' "

[imitating] " 'Help me get my ho-bag girlfriend back, Slayer, and I'll leave you to get killed on your own!' "

[high-pitched] " 'Oh Spike! I hate you soooo much but your penis is just irresistible!' "

[imitating] " 'I know most guys go for candles when declaring love, Buffy, but you're so great I figured you deserve to be chained to a rotting wall!' "

[high-pitched] " 'Hold on while I fuck you, then beat you, then fuck you, then beat you--' "

"Like that one doesn't go both ways, asshole! And don't pretend you didn't like it when I was rough! God, the twisted things I've done for you over the years--"

"Oh please, like you don't enjoy it! Who's the one that broke the headboard, Buffy, huh?"

"Yeah? Well, you almost broke my hip last year!"

"It was your idea to try page 32 of the Kama Sutra!"

"I was indulging you!"

"Is that another word for deepthroating, luv?"

----------------------------------------------------------

[Instant Messaging]

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Faith, you there?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Yo squirt, what's up?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: I just escaped from Spuffy's house.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: You call them that one more time and I'm outtie, got it?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Oh no, you gotta see this ..

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD WANTS TO SHARE A VIDEO: ACCEPT .. DECLINE

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Wow, how did you get this?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: They started arguing and forgot I even existed and it was too good an opportunity to miss, I wanted to catch them in action for future generations, so I figured ..

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: You'd video them? I hope you don't treasure your life, squirt.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: I don't have a death wish, I'm not going to show it to them. But Xander said if they find out he'll protect me. He said it'd do them good to see how insane they get when they argue.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: You're going to need protection, boy, this is some heavy stuff. Deepthroating!? LOL

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Wait til it gets to the part about Spike's favourite body part LOL

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Wow. Blondie's a real goer. Shame B got to him first.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Don't let Buffy hear you say that.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Christ boy, did you video them doing it!?

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: Nah, I snuck out before it got to that part. They didn't even see me crawl down the stairs.

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Look I gotta head but listen to me, squirt - don't put this on the site. Bridge too far and all that.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: What, the Obi-Wan movie?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: No you freak, that's Bridge Over The River Kwai! I mean if you put this up on the site Buffy will destroy your little geek existence, then Spike will bring you back from the dead only to piss in your eyesockets and send you right back again.

BOBFETTSLOVECHILD: Jesus. You're not going to tell them, right?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Depends.

BOBAFETTSLOVECHILD: On what?

MAMALIKESASPANKIN: Did you tell them I'm a member of the site?

----------------------------------------------------------

"Hey B."

"Faith, what's up?"

"Oh nothing, just wanting to catch up and all. Been a while since I've heard your voice, that's all."

"Uh-huh."

"No need to sound so suspicious, girl. Can't I phone my sister-slayer for a chat?"

"Not usually."

"Cutting to the chase, eh? You don't change, girl."

"Out with it, Faith."

"Well I'm doing a cross-word, B, help me out. What's another word for indulge?"

"What are you talking about, Faith?"

"Starts with a D and ends with -eepthroating."

[silence]

----------------------------------------------------------

"Dawn, come on! We've gotta go! If you make me miss the trailers I'm gonna be so peed off! There'll be a new The Avengers trailer!"

[opens front door]

"Oh. Buffy, Spike. To what do we owe this--"

[choke-hold]

[strangled] "--pleasure?"


-------------------------


"Will, have you seen Andrew? He was bitching about me hurrying up and now he's nowhere to be found."

"I don't know, sweetie, I was out back."

"Ugh, little pleb probably left without me. I'll try his phone but if he appears tell him I'm on my way to the cinema."

[opens front door]

"Okay, Dawnie, see you later .. Dawn? Normally when you open a door, you walk through it."

"Will? Come here."

"What's wrong? What is .. Oh. My. God!"

"Oh God, guys, get me down! Please!"

[dazed] "Will? Is Andrew naked and duct-taped to the lamp-post?"

[bewildered] "Yeah."

"Phew, thought I was going crazy for a minute there. Andrew! What. The. Hell?"

"See, I was round at Buffy and Spike's and--"

"Say no more."


----------------------------------------------------------


Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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