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"We are going to behave like a normal couple tonight, honey, okay? No fights. No arguments. No uncontrollable spontaneous bouts of frenzied sexual conduct in public. No throwing of food. No flying off the handle at little things. No innuendos. And absolutely no mentioning of what we do in bed."

"You could have just said 'no fun' and saved yourself a lot of breath."

"Spike, please, okay? I want us to be a unit tonight, okay? Normally I'm alright with the freakiness of us as a couple in front of other people but she could use it as a way in, you know?"

"You're being ridiculous, luv--"

"Oh, am I? Am I! You know what things used to be like. She always went after the guy I was with."

"Pet, that was years ago. All the time we've been together, she's never once tried anything in a serious way and you know she wouldn't, even if she wanted to."

[mumbling] "Oh she wants to."

"Come on, luv, you need to let go of these old insecurities."

"Oh, you mean like you do about Angel?"

"That's different. You used to be in love with him! I've never had any feelings for Faith at all."

"Oh really? So you didn't flirt with her when she was in my body?"

"I thought she was you, you dozy bint!"

"Is that right? So you thought she was me when you were lying on your cot in the basement with her?"

"I've told you, that was nothing!"

"All shirtless and smoking and doing your eyebrow thing--"

"I have never touched her and that's what counts, luv."

"Well I've never touched that Ian Somerhalder guy but you still get all grumpy when we watch Vampire Diaries, don't you?"

"You practically salivate when he's on the screen!"

"You're exaggerating--"

"And you called out his lameass character's name last year when we were doing it, don't think I've forgotten about that!"

"I have told you a thousand times, I said demon! Cause you're a demon! You called me Slayer and I called you Demon--"

"Just how stupid do you think I am?"

"Right now, I don't think you want me to answer that, Spike. God, we're doing it again! All I was asking for was one night of normal, happy, non-fighty supportive boyfriend and we immediately start doing this!"

[sigh] "Fine."

"Fine, what?"

"Fine, I'll play the puppy tonight."

"You will?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"I promise. But only to prove to you that we are more than capable of normal, pet. We just don't like it."

[grin] "Oh, thank you!"

"Oi, no kissing remember!"

"Oh, right."

"Your rules, honey. Just keep that in mind."


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"So, should I call Giles?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, clearly you two have been taken over by some weird Stepford-like demon that's turned you into a pair of pansies."

"Don't be ridiculous. This is just the way we are. Happy makes us calm."

"Who'd you think you're scammin' here, B?"

"I have no idea what you mean, Faith."

"I mean normally by this stage the two of you have either exploded into an argument or exploded in much more pleasurable ways."

[laugh] "Where did you hear that? That's nonsense."

"Sure B, whatever you say."

"Where are you getting this from?"

"Buffy, the last time I saw you two he had you in a choke-hold because you'd kissed Angel on the cheek at his and Nina's anniversary bash."

[scoff] "Oh that was ages ago."

"He's in the kitchen heating up a lemon-meringue pie, Buffy!"

"So? He actually cooks a lot, you know."

"Look, I came round here to see you and the hunk of burnin' hot, not some weirdo couple that sit all prim and proper and say shit like 'pass the salt'. So could you start acting like yourselves, please?"

"Hey, we've been known to ask for the salt to be passed!"

"Yeah, probably in 'gimme the goddamn salt or I'll kick you in the groin' kinda terms."

"I have no idea where you get these ideas from, Faith. This is just the way we are now. I'm sorry if you were expecting flirtiness and fighting. You'll just have to get your kicks elsewhere."

".. ah, I get it."

[suspicious] "You get what?"

"Why you're acting like this."

"I'm not acting like anything, Faith."

"Oh come on, B, you don't have to pretend, you know, I see it. You're still insecure about me."

[low] "What?"

"Cause of all that crap with Angel and Captain Creampuff, I get it."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Faith."

"Actually, B, I think I do. You were always the sweet level-headed slayer and I was the 'ride em cowboy' slayer and you're insecure about me and blondie gettin' it on."

"Stop talking--"

"You probably think if I'd met him first and we'd got it on that we'd actually be a better match in the long run, what with you now apparently being some weird, calm, happy prude that doesn't like to fight with him--"

"I mean it, Faith, stop--"

"And honestly, the thought has crossed my mind more than once--"

"Shut your mouth!"

"Calm down, B, I'm just telling the truth. I can't help it - he's a walking sex toy, that one. Bet you could go for days with him in your bed--"

"SPIKE!"

[rushes in] "What, what! What's wrong-mmph!"

"There's the fireworks I've been waiting for! Go, B!" [laughs]

"Buffy, what are you do-mmph .. hands out of the trousers in company, luv!"

"Careful, B, you don't wanna damage him too much."

"Shut your mouth and get the hell out, Faith! Spike and I have business to take care of."

"Oi, what happened to no sex stuff?"

"I knew it!"

[in tandem] "Shut up!"

[happily] "Shutting up."

[hurriedly] "You were right, I was being crazy. Let's have sex!"

"No! I want to know what the hell changed from 'heat up the pie, Spike' to--"

[smirk] " 'Heat up my pie, Spike' ?"

"Oi, watch it, psycho! Buffy's vagina isn't a pie. It's more like a--"

"Hey! No discussing my pie!"

"Well then, stop rubbing it against me, woman, and give me a minute here!"

[angered exasperation] "Fine! You want a minute!? Take it! In fact why don't you take the rest of the goddamn night too, you son of a bitch!"

"Oh, B, come on! Come back! This is ridicu--"

[door slams upstairs]

[bewildered] "What the hell just happened?"

[sigh] "I was trying to make her act normal."

"By making her hate me?!?"

"That was just a side effect, blondie. Totally your own doing."

"My own .. I was heating up a bloody pie!!"

"And then you turned down hers."

"It's not a pie!"

"Beside the point, man. Fact is, you just bought yourself a few days of frostiness."

"BY HEATING UP A PIE!?"

"Let go of the pie! Look, I'm gonna sit down here and you should go upstairs and start begging."

"And just why the hell am I supposed to be begging?"

"Because I brought up her stupid insecurities about me stealing you away - like I ever could - to make her act more like herself and she tried to brand you with her cattle-prod which you then turned down. In front of me. So go beg, boy. I'll wait down here."

[grumbling] "Jesus fucking Christ."

"You got any popcorn?"


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"Is it working? Can you hear them?"

[muffled] ".. one night, just one goddamn night and you couldn't even do that .."

"No, hold it closer!"

"Okay, hold on, I'll edge further up the stairs."

[muffled] ".. forget the fact that you attacked me! I was playing by the rules, Buffy!"

"Hold it up against the door then! God, Faith, don't you know anything about subterfuge?"

"Look, squirt, you're lucky I phoned you at all."

[muffled] ".. told you! I told you this would happen .."

"Ooh, okay, hold it there, I can hear now."

[muffled] ".. she was winding you up, luv. You're just too easy .."

"What did you do, Faith?"

"Ah, they were acting all freaky, so I brought them back the only way I knew how: pissing 'em off."

"Brave."

"Well I am a slayer, squirt."

[muffled] ".. talking to her about my pie!"

[muffled] "You ordered me to heat it up!"

[muffled] "Not the lemon-meringue, you idiot!"

"What the hell are they talking about? Pie?"

"You wouldn't understand, squirt, what with you being more of a crumble man yourself, if you know what I mean."

"Oh .. ew. He calls it her pie?"

"Each to his own, boyo. Ran with a guy once who called it The Persian."

"Why?"

"Persian cats, you know? Pussy-cats that are really fuzzy?"

"Okay, ew .. I'm definitely a crumble man. And clearly a dog person too."

[laughs] "Well, colour me all kinds of shocked."

"Faith?"

"Yuh?"

"Has it gone quiet all of a sudden?"

[grabs phones] "Sure has, Andrew."

[silence]

[gulping] "Oh h-hey, Buffy! How're things?"

"Fine on this end, chump. How's the groin area? Stopped chaffing yet?"

"Haha, that's a good one, Spike, old buddy. Yeah, that duct-tape was really well made, ha! Well, Faith, it was great of you to call but I gotta be going now, seeyousoonbye."

"So, you two seem more normal now, thank god. Up for a little patrol?"

"Faith, get out."

"Oh come on, B. You know I was just kidding with ya."

"Well it was great, a fun time had by all. Now leave."

"Buffy come on, luv, you're being--"

"If you say unreasonable I will shove this phone so far up your ass you'll be answering Faith's calls with your prostate!"

"Uh, please don't. Robin got me that for Christmas."

[evil glee] "Oh he did? So you'll be wanting it back then. Might have to take it by force, F. You up for it?"

[sigh] "Look, I get it - I woke and fed the beast. But really, B, I was just joshin' you. Wanted to see you tonight, not the 50s housewife version."

"Well now you've seen me. Get out."

"Faith, maybe you should--"

"Yeah, it's cool. I'll crash at Willow and Dawn's."

"Sorry 'bout--"

"Are you apologising to her!?"

"Oh for god's sake, Buffy!"

"Oh no, that's great, that's just perfect! I ask you to be a unit and what do you do? You take her side!"

"I'm not taking her side!"

"Yes you are! You're being all 'oh sorry luv, Buffy's a bit crazy'--"

"You are acting crazy! There is nothing going on with me and Faith! Right, Faith?"

[door closes]

"Oh look, your little girlfriend's run away! Whatever will you do now?!"

[silence]

[musing] "What am I gonna do now? Right now? Well, for starters I was thinking of shoving you up against that wall and shagging you for a good few hours to show you just how much I love it when you get all jealous and possessive over me."

[silence]

[tentative] "Really?"

[slams into wall] "Really."


----------------------------------------------------------


"Okay, okay, I'm coming .." [door opens] "Faith? What're you doing here?"

"Okay if I crash here tonight?"

"Uh yeah, I guess. I thought you were staying with Buffy and Spike tonight."

[pointed look]

"Oh .. they kicked you out?"

"Little bit, Will, yeah. It was worth it though. I'd rather get kicked out by real Buffy than spend an entire night with Julie Andrews."

[confused] "Right, well .. yeah. Anyway, come on, you can stay in Dawn's room tonight, she's up at the slayer school this week. Did you walk over?"

"Yeah, still can't wrap my head around the whole driving on the left thing."

"It's really late though."

"I'm five by five."

[eye roll] "Of course you are. Why didn't you call? I could've picked you up."

"No can do. My phone's taking a tour through either Spike's prostate or Buffy's pie right about now."

[startled pause] "You've had a weird night."

"Eh, I've had weirder."


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Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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