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Author's Chapter Notes:
I think this is my favourite chapter so far hee :D
"Well, I think it's time to collect on my anniversary present, Slayer."

"Oh, so you're cashing in your IOU, huh?"

"That's right, sweet."

"So, you know what you want now? Finally?"

"I sure do, luv."

"And you remember the stipulations that came with the IOU?"

"No public sex, no watersports, no third parties."

"Very good. So, what's your request, my love?"

"Guess."

"Come on, Spike, we have to leave for Will and Dawn's in a minute."

"So you have to guess quickly then."

[sigh] "Okay .. is it something I can buy you?"

"Nope."

"Is it .. something I can make?"

"Nope."

"Uh, is it somewhere to take you?"

[teasing] "Other than heaven every night in your arms?"

"Ugh, an addendum to the stipulations: you can't make me vomit with faux-mancey phrases."

"Gotcha. Keep guessing."

"Give me a hint."

"Okay .. I saw something on patrol tonight that made my present a possibility."

[puzzled] "Huh. Um .. a gravestone?"

[eye-roll] "Yeah cause after 140 years of un-death I'm finally ready to unveil my epitaph to the world."

"Let me guess: Here lies Spike. On his back. Jump on, ladies."

"I was thinking more: Here lies Spike. Suck it."

[chuckling] "You're disgusting."

"And yet you love me. What does that say about you?"

"Don't go there."

"Okay, seriously, back to the guessing."

"Ugh, Spike, come on. Just tell me. We have to get over to Will and Dawn's or we'll miss the frittatas! You know I love the wicca frittatas!"

"Oh alright, I'll narrow it down for you, okay? It's tall. It's boring. It grunts when it's excited. It's got the personality of a slug. And there's something I've been wanting to do to it for the last 12 years."

[wary] "This isn't some kind of weird demon-threesome thing, is it?"

"No, I'm not violating the third party rule, luv. Like I would ever want anyone other than you anyway."

"Well come on then, just tell me already!"

"Okay, but first you have to promise to fulfill my wish, no matter if it goes against your own personal morality."

"Does it involve death?"

"No. Soul here, remember?"

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay, I swear I'll do it. It is your carefully thought-out present after all."

"And this is why I love you."

"So what is it? What'd you see on patrol?"

"So there I was strolling along and I happen to see in the distance what looks like a giant cardboard cut-out of a cunt in uniform."

[realizing] "Oh no, no, no."

"Oh yes, yes, yes! You promised, sweets!"

".. oh God, I'm gonna go to hell this time."

[grin] "At least we'll have each other, luv."


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"So this is it, the place I call home."

"It's real nice, Buffy. Must've cost you a fortune."

"Yeah, it's not too bad. Between the two of us we manage pretty well."

"Two of you huh?"

"Oh yeah, me and .. my flatmate."

"Oh, so you're not married then?"

"Nope, no legal marriage for Buffy."

"Oh, well that's good. I mean not good but .. good."

"Well, Riley .. would you, uh, like some tea?"

[earnest] "That'd be great, Buffy, thanks."

"Sure. Well, just have a seat and I'll be right back."


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[whispered] "I can't believe I'm helping you do this."

[whispered] "Oh stop fretting, luv, it'll be fun."

[whispered] "Yeah, for you. I'm the one that'll wake up in a sweat."

[whispered] "Oooh promise?"

[whispered] "Tell me again why I love you?"

[whispered] "Cause I'm a demon in the sack."

[whispered] "You and your damn puns. Have you got everything you'll need?"

[whispered] "Of course, luv. Spoke to Red, she's onboard. She'll do the wipe when we text. He won't remember a thing. As for supplies, you'd be surprised what you can get in London if you know where to look."

[whispered] "Do I want to know how you know where to look for this stuff?"

[whispered] "The 60s was a weird time, luv--"

[whispered] "No more talky. Just make sure you have it all ready. He told me where his base is already so no need to hang back. And don't take too long to make your entrance. He's making googly eyes at me and it's making me feel sorry for him."

[whispered] "Well if you start feeling pangs of sympathy just remember how he made you feel like a freak for him getting suck jobs off vamp whores behind your back and then came back to judge you a year later while rubbing his perfect life in your face."

[whispered] ".. good point. Make it hurt, honey."


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"Tea's ready."

"Oh, thanks, Buffy. Gosh, this really is a nice set-up you've got goin' here. Wouldn't mind living somewhere like this myself."

"Hmm. So how's Sam these days anyway? You haven't mentioned her."

"Oh, she's fine. I'm not quite sure where she is but I'm sure wherever it is, she's fine."

[wincing] "Oh. Sorry about that."

"Don't be. You can't predict where fate will take you. Or who it'll bring you back to."

"Uh--"

"Think about it. I run into you in a London cemetery of all places, all these years later. We've grown, moved on with our lives but still we end up around each other, you know?"

"Umm, yeah--"

[hopeful] "You're here, I'm here. I'm single, you're single--"

"Oh she's not single, mate."

[startled] "Spike! What--"

".. am I doing here? This is where I live, boy."

"This is where you .. what? You're Buffy's flatmate!?"

"Nope. Not her flatmate so much as her boyfriend/husband/mate/life-partner, but without the homosexual connotations that term implies."

[bewildered] "You're .. uh, Buffy?"

"Yes, Riley?"

"Are you under the marriage love spell again?"

"Oh she's under a love spell, alright. Only this time the magic wand is my penis."

"What did I say about vomit-inducing phrases, honey?"

"Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway soldier-boy, I'll cut straight to it, shall I? Fact is Buffy owed me a little prezzie and top of the list - aside from finding and chemically castrating the man who cancelled Passions - involved your own little self."

[wary] "What the hell are you talking about? Buffy, what--"

"Oh I wouldn't look to her for help, mate. See this is what I like to call--"

[left-hook]

"--payback."

[collapse]

"I'm a bit rusty, luv. Help me out with an evil-sounding cliche here."

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall?"

"Nope."

"Um .. when life gives you lemons--"

"Oh for Christ's sake, let's just get on with this."


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"Will you hurry up?!"

"Give me a minute! His leg's all slippery!"

"Well, use your slayer grip then! You never have a problem employing it when you're giving me the hands-on treatment."

"You said you liked that!"

"I didn't say I didn't. Now is not the time to discuss this, woman!"

"Don't call me woman, Spike! You know I hate that!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. Can you please pick up his legs?"

"Hmph. I can't believe you're yelling at me when I'm breaking about fifteen different laws for you."

"Oh you're exaggerating, luv. It's probably only about three."

[pointed glare] "Let's just get him in there and leave. Last thing I want is covert military types taking an interest in you again."

"Oh like they'd be able to do anything against the Council. You worry too much, luv."

[grumbling] "Next year you're just getting a foot rub and a striptease."

"There's always Valentine's day, pet."


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[waking up] "Uhh .. my head .. ugh .."

"Oh my sweet Jesus! Finn! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, boy!?"

"What .. sir .. ?"

"On your feet when you address a superior officer, Finn!"

[moves to stand] "Sir yes--" [slips and falls] "--oomph!"

"I said on your feet, man!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Just what in sweet holy heaven are you doing, Finn!"

"I'm sorry, sir, there's something slippery on my--"

"Not that, you idiot! What the hell are you playing at? Are you taking the goddamn piss, boy!?"

"Sir I don't remember .. what ..?"

"You don't remember. Well let me tell you, you are in a heap of fucking trouble, son!"

"I don't--"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I have never in all my years of service seen a sight as pathetic and un-American as the one before me at this very moment!"

"Un-American?" [glances down] [jaw drops]

"Well I would say a man wearing suspenders, a corset and a g-string, dripping in what looks like every damn lubricant known to man and sporting an invitation to 'Fuck Me Sideways' on his back is pretty goddamn un-American, wouldn't you, Finn? Or are you lookin' to insult my country as well as my sensibilities?"


----------------------------------------------------------


[wipes tears away] "God bless Red and her hacking skills. We're keeping this video for the rest of time."

"Let's just hope they don't notice we've hacked into their camera feeds. They might be able to trace it back to us."

"Don't worry so much. Red's not only a super-hacker, she's a bona-fide wicca goddess. We're in the clear."

"We'd better be."

"Oh come on, luv. Wasn't it worth it, huh? I mean look at that screen capture!"

[smirk] "It is an impressive feat. 50 pushups in a PVC corset."

[giggles] "Not to mention the g-string."

[chuckling] "When his suspender snapped and hit the colonel--"

[guffaws] "I know! Oh, best present ever, luv."

"It was pretty great, wasn't it? Go me!"

"Hey, I was the one who came up with it! Let's share the credit here, baby."

"Okay, fine, you're a semi-evil genius."

"Well, that only took you 15 years to admit."

"It took you 15 years to earn it, sweetie."

"Very funny. Tough to see how we'll top this next year though."

"Oh wow, wow, hold on - there will be no topping of this. This was a one time deal to help you get revenge on the big bad Initiative bully. This is absolutely the last time we ever pull something this wrong--"

"But hilarious!"

"--but hilarious, again. Next year it's back to roses, hot sex and cheesecake. In that order."

"You sure 'bout that, luv?"

"Positive."

"It's just I heard a little bit of interesting info the other week."

"And what would that be?"

"A certain blonde was spotted in a demon bar in the West End."

"A certain blonde?"

"Yeah. Drove the bartender nutty. Wouldn't shut-up about unicorns."

[silence]

"Do you know of any spells to give vampires leprosy?"

"God I love you, woman."


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Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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