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Author's Chapter Notes:
I haven't forgotten about this story :D

Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, it makes my day. I'm glad people enjoy my weirdness lol.
"So, what're we gonna do with her?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? Buffy, this was your idea!"

"And as usual you've found a way of ruining it for me!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You just had to tell me about her change of heart, didn't you?"

"So? Big deal, she stopped drinking humans. Who cares?"

"I care! I can't do mean stuff to her if she's repenting--"

[sigh] "I knew you'd weasel out of having fun."

"What's fun about this!?"

[grumbling] "Absolutely nothing, luv."

"Look, she's a vampire--"

"Nothing gets past you, pet."

[glare] "So we can't just let her roam around."

"Well why not stake her then?"

"Because you said she doesn't eat humans any more! When she was working for you and your lover, remember?"

"Okay A) not funny, B) that was years ago, we have no idea if she's still off the juice and C) even if she isn't eating fresh any more she's still the most irritating chit in the Northern Hemisphere. I vote for staking."

"You would, you jackass."

"Why the hell does suggesting the staking of a vampire make me a jackass?"

"Because she used to be your .. you know."

[smirk] "My what?"

[clenched teeth] "Your bitch-in-heat."

"Such language."

"Enough. We're stuck. And it's your big mouth's fault. I can't be mean to her now, I can't stake her and we can't just let her go."

"So what, we have to keep her in our basement from now 'til the end of time?"

"No, just until we figure out what to do with her."

[motions staking]

"No, Spike! I can't kill her if she's changed her ways."

"Why the hell not!?"

"I can't believe I'm having this argument with you, of all people! The amount of times I forego-d staking you in your chip days for the very same reason!"

"That was totally different and you know it, pet. You didn't stake me because you wanted to jump my bones."

"Your ego astounds me sometimes."

"'S the truth, luv, and you know it."

[muffled moaning]

"Are you sure you tied the ropes tight enough?"

"What's the matter, luv? You afraid she'll get free and make fun of your clothes?"

"Please! That Paris Hilton wannabe?! Like I care what she thinks anyway."

"So, basically what you're saying is we 'napped her from the bar, brought her back here for sweet, sweet revenge .. and it's now off the table because she might feel bad for being a murderer?"

"I do not like your tone, Spike."

"And in addition to that dollop of craziness, we can neither kill her, nor let her go."

"I mean it, Spike--"

"Which pretty much leaves us with a Harmony shaped roomate for the rest of time. Well, this is just spankingly fucking fantastic, luv, well done."

"Where the hell do you get off--"

"I just knew this would happen! I knew our little adventure with Captain Boring would use up the allocated fun-Buffy time this year. I knew you'd lose your bottle--"

"I haven't lost anything, you dickhead! You're the one who opened his mouth and made me feel bad for her!"

"Feel bad for her? Harmony!? She's an undead monster!"

"And just what the hell are you, Spike, the Easter Bunny?"

"I am someone you love and trust, Slayer. Plus I was a pretty worth-while guy as a human--"

[mumbling] "For worth-while read gay."

"Whereas Harmony was a prize-winning bitch that .. did you just call me gay!?"

[faux sweet] "Oh I'm sorry, honey, I take it back. Everyone knows that 30-odd year old poet virgins who dote on their mothers and are afraid to masturbate are the height of heterosexual manliness."

"You fucking bitch!"

"Utter prick!"

[TUMBLECRASHBANG]


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... ring ring ... ring ring ...

"What?"

"Oh god, you have to help me!"

"Who is this?"

"It's Harmony, Kevin. Your girlfriend, remember?"

"Harmony who?"

"Stop messing around! I've been kidnapped by sex fiends! I'm tied to a chair some place that smells like rot and I'm blindfolded and there's scary noises coming from upstairs and grunting and moaning and I don't know where I am and I can't remember anything that happened and you're the only number in my speed-dial, you're my only hope, and I can't reach the ropes and I'm hungry and OH MY GOD THERE'S SOMETHING TOUCHING MY LEG! ARGH!"

"Gav, is this you? This isn't funny, man."

"Oh god, it's okay, it was just my pant-leg."

"Who the fuck are you!? And how did you get my number?"

"I got it from your phone last night when I put mine in! It's Harmony, your girlfriend!"

"I don't have a girlfriend, you freak, and I have no idea who you are."

"You slept with me last night!"

"I have no idea what you're--"

"I bit you and you screamed like a little girl?"

"Oh shit, that was real!? You're that blonde thing that attacked me! I thought that was a nightmare!"

"I didn't attack you, Kevin, I love you!"

"Don't call me again or I'll phone the police, lady!"

"No! No, I didn't attack you! It was a love-bite, please help me--"

[hangs up]

"Oh god, oh god, oh god .. get it together, Harm. You can do this. Yeah, you're a creature of the night. Yeah, a vampire master .. or mistress, whatever. You just gotta be brave and--"

[muffled] ".. GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME .."

[muffled] ".. THAT'S IT BABY, TAKE IT .."

"Oh god, please help me!" [chants] "I don't want to die in a porno, I don't want to die in a porno .."


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"Okay, I may have an idea."

"Oooh, please tell me all about it, luv. I'm not halfway through with you yet."

"Not for that, you perv. I meant about Harmony."

"You were formulating a plan when I was buried in your snatch?"

"Do you have to be a pig all the time?"

"Only when it gets you hot."

"Put your pants on."

"I don't wear pants."

[bad accent] "Oh I'm sorry, my Lord, I meant your trousers, wot-wot."

[disgusted] "Well, you've successfully wilted that hard-on."

"Just put your goddamn pants on, Spike. There's something we need to go get."


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"Umm .. hello?"

[silence]

"H-hello?"

[silence]

"Umm, please, whoever's up there--"

[footsteps]

"--I promise not to tell anyone if you just let me go!"

[footsteps drawing close]

"H-hello?"

[door creaks open]

"Oh god .. hello? Is anyone th-there?"

[feet descending stairs]

[harsh voice] "Blonde vampiress!"

"... y-yes?"

[harsh voice] "I am the spirit of the true demon!"

"Oh god--"

[harsh voice] "You have been brought to this place at my bidding! You have been chosen, vampiress!"

"Ch-chosen?"

[harsh voice] "Chosen to be the first, blonde vampiress!"

[muffled laughter]

"What was that?"

[harsh voice] "That--that was one of my minions! They take delight in your predicament!"

"Please, just let me go--"

[harsh voice] "SILENCE!"

[squeak]

[harsh voice] "Yes, you have been chosen! To be the first of a new breed!"

"B-breed?"

[harsh voice] "You will be as true vampires should always have been!"

"I don't unde--"

[harsh voice] "Hold your tongue, wench! Your unholy demon shall rule you no longer! You shall be pure! You shall go hence from this place and practice the values that your humans hold so dear!"

"You want me to get a job?"

[faltering] "Well--" [harsh voice] "I mean, yes! You will get a job! You will live as a human! If when you leave this place you hurt another living creature, you shall be damned to hell everlasting!"

"B-but I'm--"

[harsh voice] "You will not argue with the sprirt of the true demon! This is your second chance, vampiress! If you falter even once you will return to this place and experience that which you are being spared from!"

"Th-the porno?"

[faltering] "The wh--" [harsh voice] [confused] "Yes, the porno!"

"Okay, I swear, I swear, I'll be good, I promise I will, I don't even like being bad, I swear!"

[harsh voice] "Very well. Do not falter, vampiress, you will be watched most closely."

"I won't, I swear, I swear--"

[harsh voice] "When you awake your second chance will begin!"

"When I awake--"

[left-hook]

"Buffy, she's out, luv! Come down and help me!"

[guffaws of laughter] "Vampiress!?"

[chuckling] "Am I good or am I good?"

"Oh baby, you're the best."

"Don't you forget it, luv. She has the weirdest view of hell though."

[tapering laughter] "What do you mean?"

"Said something about a por--" [realization] "You know what? Doesn't matter."

"Okay, let's get this done. We should dump her in one of the mauseliums in Lakeside Cemetery."

"Good thinking, luv, right near Andrew's and we can give him his little voice manipulator thing back."

"You do know what that is right?"

[admiring] "Some kind of geeky creation to make him sound all disembodied and staccato and harsh? It's quite impressive actually. Looks all professional."

[smiling fondly] "It's a Dalek mega-phone, honey. For children."

[deflating] "Oh."

"Oh, don't pout. You sound hot as a Dalek."

"If you tell either of the geek boys about this, Slayer--"

"Xander would probably die of laughter."

"Yeah and Andrew would probably lick the edges trying to sample my spit."

[disgusted] "Euch. Let's just do this, okay?"

[chuckling] "You know what? We did it anyway."

"What?"

"We messed with her--" [points at Harmony] "--and managed to save society from her and her from herself all in one fell swoop."

"Hey, yeah! Go us!"

"And people say we're not accommodating hosts!"


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Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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