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Author's Chapter Notes:
Only one more chapter to go after this one ...
"Why can't you do it?"

"Because I'm in Scotland, Dawn, and you are less than 10 minutes from their front door."

"Well there must be someone else that can fill in! Xander--"

"Is in Kenya."

"Willow!"

"Is in Siberia."

"Andrew!"

"Is an unparalleled idiot."

"I could hire someone--"

"Yes, I can see the ad now: Aide needed to nurse supernatural couple infected with paranormal flu back to health using fluids extracted from a demon. References required."

"I was thinking of just going round to their neighbours and saying 'here's some goo to cure their flu'. Ha, that rhymed--"

"I'm very proud. Now take the demon 'goo' that Willow went to a lot of trouble to send to you and get yourself over to their house and help them recover."

"What if they infect me? Did you ever think of that, huh?"

"It's not the normal flu, Dawn. From what we've been able to gather, you need to come into personal contact with the demon in question. You'll be fine."

"But--"

"No buts Dawn. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you're imagining."

[grumbling] "Easy for you to say when you're on another continent."

"Another .. your education is absolutely appalling."

"Whatever. I won't forget this, you know. It's just oh so convenient that you're all scattered to the four corners of the earth just when Spike and Buffy are at their most volatile."

"A happy coincidence, I assure you."


----------------------------------------------------------


"Ugh, this tastes disgusting!"

"Yeah, well it's probably not the worst thing you've ever swallowed in your life."

"She's right, nibblet, this tastes like dog shit."

"Why am I not surprised you know what dog shit tastes like."

[glare] "It's an expression, bit."

"Dawn, I'm not drinking this. It's worse than my cooking."

[mumbling] "Christ, that is saying something."

"What was that, Spike?"

"I said, did you say something, luv?"

[glare] "I'm sick, not stupid."

"Hey! No fighting! Now, I gave up a marathon of Sex & The City to come over here and nurse you back to health and I'm not allowed to leave until you're back in tip-top shape, so drink it down and stop acting like babies!"

"Why are you watching a telly programme with sex in the title!?" [turns] "You let her watch sex shows, Slayer?"

"I'm 27 years old, Spike!"

[baffled] "I thought you were 19."

"I was. 8 years ago. And incidentally, when I was 19, my ears were assaulted with many a Spike and Buffy sex-capade, including a very memorable episode with the kitchen island and rashers of strategically placed bacon, if you recall, so don't blame Carrie and Big for corrupting me, mister."

"Okay, can we not talk about this when I'm this sick, please? My Slayer constitution can only take so much--"

"Oh give it up Slayer, at least you're used to this. I haven't been sick for over 140 years--"

"So that makes you somehow worse than me? Huh, whadya know? You get vamp-man-flu too."

"Very funny."

"Right, enough! Buffy, I love you but this has to be done."

"Wha--" [pinches nose] "--grjhgj!"

"Gulp it down - there you go. Feel better?"

[sputtering] "Feel angrier."

[chuckles] "That was great, nib, you're a right little--" [pinches nose] "--guheig!"

[laughing] "Hey, you were right, darling - that was funny!"

"Okay, you two: I'll be through in the lounge if you need me."

[sulking] "That shouldn't even have worked on me, I don't need to breathe."

"Guess it just worked cause you're a retard."

[glare]


----------------------------------------------------------


[shouted] "Two sugars, nibblet!"

[shouted] "Oh and I need another pair of socks from upstairs, Dawn."

[shouted] "But give me my blood first!"

[shouted] "No, get my socks first!"

[chanted] "They're your family and you love them, they're your family and you love them .."

[muffled] "My blood'll get cold while she's up there sifting through your endless drawers of clothes, Slayer."

[muffled] "Yeah, well my feet'll get colder while you're munching away on your hobknobs and blood with two sugars. Which by the way is on its way to bringing back the nauseous part of this bug."

[shouted] "What's the final verdict? Socks or blood first?"

[shouted] "Socks!"/"Blood!"

"Family, you love them -- family, you love them .."


----------------------------------------------------------



"The least you could do is share the blanket you -- ah, ah, ah .. choo!"

"Ew, Spike! Keep your germs on your side of the couch!"

"Oh I'm so bloody sorry. Excuse me for being seized by an uncontrollable urge in your presence."

"Don't give me that tone Spike, I feel bad enough as it is."

"Oh and I'm what, croakin' top of the world ma'?"

"Just try and keep your demon snot off the couch, okay? Unless you wanna go sofa shopping again in the near future."

[mumbling] "I'd rather get leprosy of the knob."

[glare] "That could be arranged."

"Right now I'm immune to your threats, woman. You've successfully broken me."

"So this is my--" [cough] "--fault?"

"That's a 10/4, rubber ducky."

"And just how do you figure that?"

[imitating] " 'Hey look over there Spike, I've never seen a demon like that before - let's get it!'"

"How was I supposed to know what would happen? I don't know all the demons and their effects, Spike."

"Maybe if you cracked a book once in a while--"

"I beg your fucking pardon!? You--" [hacking cough]

"You should calm down, luv, your voice is going." [smirk]

"When I--" [cough] "--get my--" [cough] "--strength back--" [cough]

"You'll what? Find a syphilis demon and rub him all over my crotch?"

"For--" [cough] "--starters--" [cough]

"Hey, you're goin' a little purple, luv, this isn't really funny any more--"

"When--" [cough] "--was it funny--" [cough] "--before, you--" [cough] "--asshole?" [cough]

[shouting] "Hey nibblet! Your sis's choking pretty bad!"

[shouting] "I don't need to know about your sex games, Spike!"

[shouting] "I'm serious Dawn, bring some water--" [cough] "--in here now .. ow .. ow .. choo!" [cough]

[coughing] [retching] [choking]

"Jesus Christ, you two sound like Patti and Selma. Here, water for the purple prune and blood for wheezy joe."

[gasp] "Oh, thanks Dawnie, that's much better."

"Yeah thanks, bit."

"Glad to be of service. I'm going back through now."

"You know, you can sit with us Dawnie, we won't infect you."

"Oh no, that's really okay--"

"Yeah, bit, you never come round here, we always see you at yours'."

"Hey that's right, why don't you ever--"

"Okay then, call me through if you choke up a lung."


----------------------------------------------------------


"How are the patients?"

"Impossible as always. It doesn't help that their walls are paper thin. I swear it's like they bought this place on purpose, knowing that no matter where you were in the house you'd be able to hear them."

"You say that as if you think they enjoy alienating their guests, Dawn."

"And you think they don't? I thought you were smart?"

"Yes, well--"

"I've given them the antidote, Giles, can't I leave now?"

[muffled] ".. don't see why you should get to choose what we watch is all I'm saying ..."

"Really Dawn, I am quite surprised at your lack of sympathy."

[muffled] "... am not watching porn when I'm this sick, Spike!"

"You know I refuse to come round to their house for a reason, Giles."

"Yes, and while it's understandable given their regular behaviour, this is a special circumstance. They are ill, Dawn--"

[muffled] ".. is not porn! It's sci-fi! And Jane Fonda is an Oscar winner!"

"Yeah, ill in the head."

[muffled] ".. sure you'd want to watch it if it was Al Pacino wearing a leotard!"

"If they have ingested the antidote it will not be long until they have recovered. The worst is over, Dawn."

[muffled] ".. you know fine well I would if he had a good pairs of tits ..."

[sigh] "If you say so, Giles."


----------------------------------------------------------


"Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?"

"Your hand is on my leg."

"I know, luv."

"If you are thinking what I think you're thinking, I'm going to break every bone in your arm."

[sing-song] "Oh, someone's feeling frisky--"

"I cannot tell you how much I'm going to hurt you."

"Oh come on, luv - I'm feeling better already and your coughing's all gone."

"Yeah, well I still feel bad. I'm sweaty, I'm achey and I'm throbby."

"And this is supposed to be turning me off?"

"Spike, I mean it!"

[pout] "Fine. God, I was just trying to make you feel better!"

"Yeah right, there is no way your constitution is better than mine. Look at your hands, they're still all swollen. You're probably doing that man thing of pretending you're all better so I'll think you're a super-man."

"I am a super-man. In every possible way. And I am all better."

"Sure you are, honey."

"Fine, I'll prove it to you! Just get the little man out and I'll be ready to go."

[face-palm] "You did not just take your penis out of your pants--"

"He just needs some help standing to attention, that's all."

"Hey, stop doing that on my couch!"

"Just give 'im a minute, he's on his way."

"Put it back, Spike!"

"Hold on, he's just getting his equilibrium back, luv--"

"I don't give a shit, Spike, put it away!"

"Stop yelling! You'll frighten him and he's still recovering as it is!"

"PUT YOUR GODDAMN PENIS BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

"What the hell are you yelling about no-OW! AHH! Oh god!" [covers eyes]

"Oh god, I'm sorry, bit--"

"Put it away, Spike!"

"I'm trying to, Slayer! My hands aren't -- ah .. ah .. ah .. CHOO!"

"My eyes are burning! Oh god, oh god! Never wanna see again!"

"For god's sake, it's not that--" [cough] "--difficult, just put it away--" [hacking] "--Spike! Give it here--"

"I am the only person in the world this could happen to. Ugh, is it gone yet?" [peeks] "Ah! It's getting bigger, stop it Buffy!"

"Ew, Spike, stop it!"

"Well stop man-handling me then, woman! I can do it myself!"

"Well then do it and stop assaulting my little sister with your-- ah .. CHOO!"

"Ohhh! Were you aiming for my penis, Slayer!? If you've infected him with your snot, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Stop talking about him like he's a person, Spike--"

"THAT IS IT!"

[startled silence]

"I have had it up to here with you two! You are going to start behaving like adults, do you understand me? .. I don't hear you!"

[meek] "Yes."/"Yes."

"Good. Now, I am tired, I am going upstairs to bed. You two are going to sit here with your snot and your genitals and your unbelievable levels of freakiness and only call me down if you're fully dressed and in need of life save-age. Do you understand me?"

[meek] "Yes, Dawn."

[meek] "Yes, bit."

"Good. Oh and before I forget--" [goes to TV]

"What are you--"

"There. No more arguments about what to watch. I'm taking the remote upstairs with me. If one of you feels well enough to get up and change the channel, good on you and you can come upstairs and wake me up so I can escape this den of disgustingness while you're at it. If not, well at least you'll learn something about--" [glances at TV] "-- trees in the Amazon."

"But--"

"No buts, Buffy! Now goodnight .. Oh. And if I'm woken up by one raised voice, one snarky comment, one threat of bodily harm, I will call Andrew to come and babysit you for the rest of the night. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

[meek] "Yes."/"Yes."

"Alright then. Goodnight."


----------------------------------------------------------


"Yay, goodbye to snot forever!"

"Yeah, thank god. Vamps are not built for being sick."

"Aw, poor baby. You'll get your reward in heaven, honey."

[glare]

"Oh. Well okay, I'll give you your reward after we wake up Dawn, how's that?"

"Much better, luv."

"Good." [knock-knock] "Dawnie, we're totally back to normal now and .. oh."

[cough] "I'm sick, Buffy! I feel all .. all .. ah .. ah .. ah .. CHOO!"

"Ew. Tell me I did not look like that, luv, please."

"Don't be a dick. Aw, poor Dawnie's all ill ..." [evil grin] "Spike, go down and get the leftover antidote."

[evil smirk] "Gotcha, Slayer."

"Don't worry Dawnie, we'll look after you."

"Oh no! No! I think I'll be okay--" [sputtering coughs]

"Oh nonsense, you can stay here til you're better."

"No, please--"

"'Course, it'll prob'ly take you longer to recover, bit, being not a super-person and all that."

"Oh yeah. Hey, Dawnie, it'll be like a sleepover! Yay! You can stay for a few days and we'll watch videos and eat fudge--"

"No! I think I already feel much better, look my hands are going down--" [hacking cough]

"Oh don't be silly, you're not a bother honey, you're family." [evil grin] "Now, we'll get you that delicious antidote and then me and Spike'll spend the day telling you all about those trees in the Amazon that we were learning about 'til 3 in the morning. Isn't that right, Spike honey?"

[grin] "Absolutely. Now, there was the Acioa edulis--"

"Oh, and the Brazil nut one, that was a good half hour learning about that one--"

"And then the Sandbox one 'f course."

"Well, of course, how could I forget that one. Did you know the pods can explode, Dawnie?"

"Yeah, truly fascinating, bit. I'll go get the antidote while Buffy explains the process to you."

"Yeah. So apparently the pods are as big as pumpkins, right, and--"

[abject misery] "ah .. ah .. CHOO!"


Chapter End Notes:
TBC



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