It was perfection, how the mirror portrayed Spike. His scarred eyebrow lifted lightly at seeing her. He was wearing that black ensemble she never would have admitted to liking on him, the tight pants and the shirt underneath his beloved leather duster that had burned with him. His striking blue eyes were twinkling with a calm, but happy smile, the kind she hadn't seen much when he was alive. There was mischief in those cobalt orbs, mirth in the way the corners of his mouth curled, but what stood out more than that was the genuine, undiluted joy. Like he didn't have to hold back, like he knew she wouldn't react badly to seeing him happy. He seemed different, somewhat... unafraid.
He knelt down behind her now that she was on the floor, one hand lifting a strand of her mirror hair to his mouth, where he gently kissed it, his eyes never leaving hers.
She had grown her hair. Whether it had been subconsciously for him or merely because she liked this do, she didn't know, but it now looked almost the same way it had when she had chopped it off because Spike said he loved it. His reverence over it would have brought tears to her eyes if they weren't already streaming down her cheeks so freely.
Her mirror-self now took his outstretched hand and she could almost feel the way it fit in hers, the calluses on his palm beneath slender fingers. That she could only almost feel it made it more surreal to her, the tableau before her. Mirror-Buffy was smiling now, getting up with his help - accepting his help - and letting him gently wipe away her tears. Then they were just looking at each other, content with being together and not having to hide anything.
And she felt the cold, hard stone floor beneath her fingertips, could feel herself wanting to dig in there if only for the sake of feeling anything but alone facing what could have been.
Buffy had moved on quickly after his sacrifice. She had accepted it for what it was; a chance to live her life as something other than the isolated freak with all the power and responsibility. She was no longer the only Slayer and the Hellmouth she had spent so long guarding was gone thanks to him. She was free now and her life filled to the brim with opportunity. So she had thanked him in her head and thrown herself headfirst into this whole new world. And it had been glorious, at first.
Then, of course, reality had caught up with her. The responsibilities she had assumed to have almost gotten rid of kept coming at her. There were Slayers all over the globe to locate and train, as well as more than one demon or vampire trying to rule or destroy the world to be stopped. In addition to that, there were seemingly irreparable rifts between her and what used to give her strength. Her friends were no longer the people she loved and trusted, her watcher a man she could barely stand due to his condescension in the way he had thought to handle what was her business and her business only. Even her sister had felt far away.
There was something else missing, too, something big that she tried to fill with lovers, both human and undead, with mindless partying, shopping, anything to make it better, but all she did was feel empty. And in all this time she had never once thought about Spike for longer than a few seconds she quickly brushed away.
Now, having this perfect view them together in a mirror that showed what she couldn't have, she knew why she hadn't, why her subconscious hadn't allowed it. Because if she ever allowed herself to remember him, really remember him, it would sink in that he was gone, that he wouldn't come back and that she'd never see him again. And then she would miss him so much it would feel as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest.
It was that sudden understanding that turned the streams of quiet tears which made it hard to see him in that mirror into full out desperation, into sobs that took her breath away, made her heave, turned her into a blubbering, pitiful mess of regret and grief that would never go away again.
Spike was dead.
~~~~~
Willow was getting worried. True, Buffy hadn't been in there long and she vividly remembered how traumatic the experience had been for her, but from the sound of it, Buffy had been completely breaking down for the better part of ten minutes.
It had started out slow, the first few minutes only spent in quiet, possibly already crying, but not the broken sobs and the words that wouldn't come for their sake that had started then. It was all the more disturbing because Willow hadn't seen Buffy shed more than a few silent tears since after the destruction of Sunnydale. Then again, they had drifted so far apart...
Buffy was still mad at her for the thing when she had been one of the people to make her leave her own house, who hadn't trusted her enough to keep leading them. And Willow herself had been ashamed for it. It hadn't been unjustified, but in the end, their friendship alone should have been enough to have a little more trust in her, to have her back no matter the situation. She had made a mistake. Sure, she had tried to apologize, but her former best friend had been so distant since the apocalypse-that-didn't-happen that her words had fallen on almost deaf ears. Buffy had said it was okay, true, but they still hadn't seen each other much after that.
It seemed that she needed some time away from all of them, because even though they worked together in the worldwide finding and raising of new Slayers, things had never gone back to the way they used to be. And if Willow was completely honest with herself, getting back together with Oz and the happiness that came with it had alienated her further from the Chosen One who seemed to have very much returned to the state she had been in immediately after being resurrected; cold, numb and never quite there. Seeing her like that hadn't helped with the guilt and it had spoiled her suddenly perfect again life.
Buffy had ceased to be a priority. And if you looked superficially enough, she seemed to be doing fine.
To hear her lose it so completely was terrible.
She knew she shouldn't go in there, knew she should leave Buffy to the unspeakable grief she was obviously experiencing right now, but-... even she hadn't reacted that badly.
Seeing Tara had been a shock. It had hit her like a punch in the heart-region, having the woman she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with in front of her, who had been ripped out of that life in a single moment. It had hurt. It had burned and she had shed so many tears until there were none left in her. But it had been quiet and Tara had smiled at her so serenely that it had been more of a comfort to be with her than a reminder of what she could never have again.
Buffy was not taking any comfort out of this and if Willow didn't know how hard her best friend had taken her mother's death, she would have guessed to hear a woman grieving over the person they loved more than anyone in the entire world for the first time. And that was too difficult to bear alone, even for someone as incredibly strong as Buffy.
So she went in, her heart breaking at the sight of that tough savior of the world, who was as good as lying on the floor, her arms pressed over her chest so tightly as if she was scared she would literally fall apart if she let go. She was shaking, rocking back and forth, eyes transfixed on the Mirror, though Willow couldn't imagine her even seeing anything due to all the tears spilling down her cheeks and the sobs wracking her body.
"Oh God, Buffy..."
She was beside her in a second, taking her into her arms and gently helping her stand. Buffy was refusing, though, shaking her head frantically, "no"s blubbering from her throat. It was probably as hard to leave as it was for her to be in here, but Willow couldn't let her stay in this room a second longer.
"Come on, you need to get out of here. It's not good for you."
Her worries only grew when she practically had to lift Buffy out of the room. She was no longer trying to make Willow release her, but she sure as hell wasn't walking on her own. Willow was almost relieved when the door finally firmly closed behind them, but Buffy still wasn't doing any better.
"Oh Buffy, I'm so, so sorry... It must be so hard for you to see her, after all these-... I'm so sorry."
And then she was speaking, looking at her with an almost pleading expression behind the sobs.
"N-no, Will, it wasn't-... It wasn't Mom..."
Not her mother? But what else could possibly make her so upset? Well, she might see herself with Angel, all happy and unhampered by such silly things as curses and paths of redemption, but that wouldn't unsettle her so extremely. Or maybe she saw herself as normal, not burdened with all the Slayer-stuff. But that would be something Buffy would probably expect and it wouldn't drive her completely-...
"S-spike... It was-... I saw-..."
What?
"You saw... Oh. Oh! Oh, Buffy, that's-... um, unexpected... But-... sure you saw Spike?"
That sure was pretty much the last thing she would have anticipated. And Buffy obviously hadn't, either. But it definitely explained-...
"It was him and he was alive-... or undead-... or-... He was just there. And he was smiling and-... Oh God, Will..."
Willow couldn't do more but try to hold Buffy, let her cry into her shoulder, stroke her hair, anything that might comfort her, but this was... kind of beyond her powers. Spike was...
"Spike is dead! He died! He freakin' died for me and I didn't-... I mean I told him, but I only did it because-... He deserved it so much and he was dying and he was dying for me and I had to-... I couldn't let him die unloved... And he saw right through it, Will, he saw right through it..."
Buffy was going out of her mind. Nothing, nothing could have prepared her for seeing him. Even if she would have let herself take the possibility into consideration. Spike had died and she had told him she loved him as a gesture of saying "Thank you" and he hadn't even hesitated. Not even a second of hope for him. He knew her that well.
"Just told me right out that I didn't and thanked me for saying it, that god damn idiot vampire... and he was right and I didn't and-... Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just love him? He loved me so much and he got a soul for me and he died for me and I just couldn't-... He deserved it and I couldn't-..."
"Buffy..."
Willows voice was the softest she had ever heard it. Surprisingly enough, her eyes were glazed over with unshed tears, but there was a smile in the corners of her mouth that couldn't seem to decide between joy and sadness.
"You just saw him in the Mirror of Erised."
It took a while to sink in. Buffy didn't understand right away what the redhead was getting at. But it certainly gave her pause, calmed her while she thought about what that meant. And then it suddenly snapped in her and she sucked in a breath.
"I loved him?"
Willow just nodded, that strange smile widening slightly.
"I love him?"
And then the rest of the gang came hurrying along the corridors.
~~~~~
They had rushed the training. When Willow had texted them that Buffy was officially picked up from the airport, they had gotten it over with faster than usual. They had decided beforehand that Willow wouldn't have to wait until she led Buffy to the room with the Mirror. After all, what could a large group of people do while one was finding out what their heart wanted most of all? They had to wait. Didn't mean they weren't dead curious.
Xander was back by the time they were finished, too, while Oz was still doing the Slayer run. His date had been... well, at least she hadn't tried to bite off his head or tied him up to open a Hellmouth with his blood. Apart from that, it hadn't really gone as well as he could have hoped, but it sure was a step in the right direction.
He had almost expected to see Anya. By the time he had been alerted, they had all known exactly what the Mirror did and he'd had time to come to terms with her being the thing he wanted most. What he hadn't even begun to imagine was how explicit that century old thing would be... And hence the date with the pretty girl he had met at the nearby pub he hadn't even allowed himself to think about before.
Oh, he had dated before. He was, after all, a man with needs and Anya really was gone. But he had never gone into it feeling ready for more than just sex. Strangely enough and even though sex had been exactly what the mirror had showed him and Anya have, it had given him enough closure to actually try to move on for good.
And he would find someone. Eventually. He hoped. Someone who wasn't lethal and maybe a little more interested in what he did for a living than pub girl.
He met up with Giles in one of the training rooms. Always nice to appreciate hot girls in training, even if he had sworn to keep his hands off of them. He helped out there a lot, though, telling them about demons and vampires he had fought with Buffy, the Legendary Slayer everyone couldn't know enough about. He taught them about the importance of always having a carpenter around when evil things destroyed your home on a weekly basis and generally made them giggle a lot.
Now, though, there were more pressing matters to deal with. Maybe part of why his date had gone so disastrously had been because he had known Buffy would be in town by now and about to face her heart's desire.
No, he was under no illusion. It wouldn't be him. And seeing as it hadn't been her in his mirror image, even though part of him had guessed it might be, for the first time in over a decade of knowing the feisty blonde that was okay. He was well and truly over her. Or at least as much as he'd ever be.
Maybe he could be if he ever really made up with her. The thing with the losing an eye and voting her off the island were still rather between them.
Giles also seemed on edge.
"Ah, Xander, there you are. I assume everything went-", glasses off to polish them, "um, splendidly?"
It wasn't a question. He was pretty sure he could answer anything he wanted and the old man wouldn't even hear him. And seeing as it was him and he couldn't resist teasing the watcher, Xander said:
"Oh yes, only a Mumshika demon this time. Nothing I couldn't handle on my own."
Giles, who as predicted hadn't been listening, put his glasses back on and looked at the clock at wall close to him and muttered:
"How nice, how nice-..."
Xander good naturedly patted him on the shoulder and chuckled.
Then one Slayer knocked another out with a rather well-aimed roundhouse kick and Giles hurried over there to see if everything was alright.
Xander watched for another minute or so as the Slayer who had kicked the other burst into tears and tried to apologize to the slowly becoming conscious again girl while the watcher seemed rather inept at calming one and bringing the other back to her senses at the same time.
In the end, he ended the training session early and told the crying girl to accompany the other to the nurses station - yes, they had a nurse on duty 24/7.
"My, what a mess those newbies are...", he muttered when he came back to a grinning Xander who had watched the scene, highly entertained by it but also kind of keen on just walking out of there to find Buffy and Willow.
"Hey, Giles, can we go see Buffy now?"
Rupert Giles smiled at the young man's impatience. Sometimes he acted as though he was still a teenager as opposed to the grown man he ought to be. Still, he couldn't pretend he wasn't curious about Buffy's vision in the Mirror of Erised as well. So he gave Xander a smile and with a determined "Let's." he was on his way to the other room.
"We just have to get-..."
He stopped dead in his tracks, watching as Dawn taught an eager Slayer how to block a dagger.
"No, a little more to the left, or else he'll have you."
He, in this case, was a frightened Andrew equipped with a wooden knife. However, Andrew using various fake weapons to defend himself against Slayers learning martial arts was hardly news. Dawn, on the other hand, was.
He had heard of her plans to become a watcher and even though he had his reservations about her being the first American in a long line of English - in the worst of cases Irish, Welsh or Scottish - watchers, there was no doubt she was perfect for the job. Possibly better than most British people up for it.
He felt the same sense of fatherly pride that had often overtaken him with Buffy before their fallout when he watched her give exact instructions on how to move. She sounded calm, encouraging, certainly more patient than he was. The enthusiasm of youth, he supposed, and of finding something you truly enjoyed doing. In short, the immature girl with preferences to talking about boys and shopping had turned into a strong young woman on a path that suited her.
Xander was less impressed with the scenario and called out:
"Hey Dawnster! We're off to see Buffy now! Wanna come?"
And just that soon the maturity in her face vanished and almost childish glee filled it at the though of what her sister might discover. Giles smiled.
"Okay, Kayleigh, that's it for today! I've absolutely got to find out what Buffy sees in the mirror!"
Kayleigh let go of Andrew, who had been yammering about his arm ever since she had managed to get to his wrist.
"Does that mean I'm done, too?", he asked Dawn, rubbing his elbow with a scrunched up face.
"Oh, sure!", she yelled, already almost out of the room, dragging Xander with her.
Still smiling wistfully, Giles followed those two, Andrew in tow. Only when he had reached the corridor that would lead to the next one that had the room with the mystical mirror and the mindless chatter between the others had died down, he remembered something Xander had said.
"Wait, did you say your date was a Mumshika demon? I thought those were extinct!"
Xander turned around both exasperated and amused.
“Geez, Giles! I was just-… Wait, those are real? What do they do?”
“Oh, the usual; kill, maim, drink bone stem, leave behind turquoise pus…”
They turned the corner and were confronted with a sight they hadn't expected.
~~~~~
It was Xander who asked the obvious question.
"Woah! What the hell happened? Why is Buffy crying?"
But Buffy was still too preoccupied with her realization to answer. She merely stared mindlessly at them, mouth gaping unattractively wide open. Willow stepped in for her, voice still soft and soothing.
"She saw Spike."
Buffy still felt like she was surrounded by fog, but when her sister stepped forth and got on her knees right in front of her, what she was saying managed to penetrate the disbelief and-... something of what Willow had meant to tell her.
Distantly, she could hear her sister, who sounded hopeful of all things.
"You saw... You saw Spike? Really? You're not just making this up?"
She suddenly remembered something. Something she had put aside with everything else regarding the peroxide-blonde vampire. There had been one time when she had been forced to think about Spike after he had burned. Dawn had come to her and with red and swollen eyes asked her to please tell her how he had died. Buffy had explained it to her, quickly, efficiently, emotionlessly. And her sister had cried the entire time, quietly, holding back for... probably for her sake.
"Then why... Why didn't you ever-... You never even grieved and I-... I had no one, because everyone hates him and-..."
Buffy hadn't cried. She hadn't even comforted Dawn. She had told her the story and then proceeded to throw herself into life without Spike. She had been done with him. A finished chapter. No use looking back.
Maybe that had been the reason why her relationship with her sister hadn't patched up until now. Maybe the fact that only Dawn seemed to miss him and that Buffy never showed any sign of it... Maybe that was the unspoken resentment between them.
"I'm so stupid! He was my best friend and I couldn't even be kind to him, because of what he did to you. And then he died before I could make it right."
She was crying right now, her Dawnie, and all the anger seemed to seep out of her with it. Buffy carefully took her in her arms, finally feeling that connection again, the need to protect, the love. Dawn's wrapped around her even tighter. And together, they grieved.
Their weeping was the only sound penetrating the heavy silence. Everyone felt as though they were intruding in a very, very private moment. Giles was cleaning his glasses, facing away from them, Xander was fidgeting with something or other that was bound to fall down and make a disturbance and Andrew seemed embarrassed and sheepish. Only Willow stood and smiled.
"He just died!", Dawn sobbed into Buffy's shaking shoulder.
And Andrew couldn't wait any longer. He had grown to love the girl dearly and couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. Buffy, too, he guessed. So he spoke up, red-eared and twitchy and feeling really bad about not having said anything sooner.
"Um... This is probably incredibly bad timing, but he made me promise I wouldn't tell and you didn't seem to miss him anyway and-... Spike's kind of-... um... alive."
Dead silence, everyone staring at him incredulously. Even Buffy and Dawn had stopped their mutual sniveling to gape at him. Embarrassed, he scratched the back of his head.
Then Xander exclaimed:
"He's what now?"
"Well, there was something about the amulet that brought him back and he was a ghost and then he decided to stay and help Angel and-... it's all very confusing and I didn't really understand it."
He shrugged awkwardly.
"Since when?"
Willow's mouth was basically hanging open. Not only was that a piece of really unexpected news, but also-... Everyone had mixed feelings about the vampire. No one really liked him, apart from Buffy and Dawn, but then again, he had died to save the world, so there was a sort of confused gratitude in it, too. But no matter how little anyone knew how they would deal with Spike suddenly standing in front of them, obnoxiously back from the dead, they all knew that he would be back for Buffy. The fact that he hadn't sought her out-... It didn't just make any sense; it was mindboggling.
"I don't know... Um... Must have been pretty much directly after he died..."
"What? He's back from the dead? He's alive and didn't even bother telling me?"
Her sister was saying exactly what she would if Buffy were any less dazed by the news.
Giles' patented "Oh dear Lord..." came at the same time as a very frightened:
"Don't kill the messenger!"
Andrew squealed and hid behind his arms. Just as Dawn was about to question the poor guy further, a tiny voice Buffy almost couldn't identify as her own interrupted her oncoming tirade.
"He didn't want me to know he was back?"
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you for your kind reviews! I actually had that chapter up for a week now over at ffnet and haven't updated here, because I thought no one here at Spuffy Realm had reviewed... Stupid email that was supposed to tell me about reviews and didn't come... I'm really glad you're enjoying this story. It's my favorite Spuffy that I've written so far. :)
I hope I can finish the third part soon, but I'm having some problems with it.
About the story itself, I tried to be as canon (until 'Chosen') and in character as possible and that includes the fact that despite what we would all like to believe, Buffy is not in love with Spike. This story is, for me, a way to find a slightly more realistic way to happy ending than is usually the case in fanfiction. (Not that I don't love those fics, too.)
Also, I found I really enjoy writing Scoobies and Dawn's relationship with Spike is incredibly beautiful, so I'm sorry if that takes up a larger part of the story than expected. Except I'm not sorry, because there are just a lot more issues left for us fanfic authors to resolve than how to get Buffy and Spike together. But about that... We're getting there.
I hope I can finish the third part soon, but I'm having some problems with it.
About the story itself, I tried to be as canon (until 'Chosen') and in character as possible and that includes the fact that despite what we would all like to believe, Buffy is not in love with Spike. This story is, for me, a way to find a slightly more realistic way to happy ending than is usually the case in fanfiction. (Not that I don't love those fics, too.)
Also, I found I really enjoy writing Scoobies and Dawn's relationship with Spike is incredibly beautiful, so I'm sorry if that takes up a larger part of the story than expected. Except I'm not sorry, because there are just a lot more issues left for us fanfic authors to resolve than how to get Buffy and Spike together. But about that... We're getting there.