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25. Undertaking

Cordelia gasps for air in her sleep. She feels like her ribcage is contracting, feels cold and wet. Her heartbeat speeds up to a frantic pace. In her dreams her eyes are open but she sees nothing but a dark murky blue. The sensations get more intense, it feels like needles are piercing every inch of her flesh, feels like she’s being pulled to and fro, back and forth, swaying in an icy darkness. Then for a short moment she sees something more. Her head emerges, breaking the surface of the water and she knows where she is. She sees the snow falling around her, feels the waves pull her with the ocean tide, and she sees the frosty dock of a beach she remembers well from her youth.

Cordelia’s eyes snap open and she sits up startled. She shivers as remnants of her vision still linger. The pull out sofa shifts with her movement and she sees Angel is startled awake.

--

Spike isn’t sure exactly what wakes him, maybe it’s the loss of the metronome of Buffy’s heartbeat, or that of their baby. Maybe it's the loss of her body heat that stirs him from sleep, or maybe it’s a wakeup call from the powers that be; but what Spike does know is that he’s now alone in bed and beyond the blinds of the window snowflakes and sleet are frosting up the glass. He’s not alarmed, not worried, simply suspects that Buffy has gotten up to use the bathroom or attend to some other human chore; that is until he sees the note that lies on the bed beside him. His brow creases as he picks it up.

After the first few words Spike wants to drop it and run after her, but he knows this letter is important and reads on until he finishes the last line. Then he rushes out of bed and down the hall pulling a shirt on over his head as he goes. He makes his way down the stairs and only slows after he sees Angel in the doorway throwing his coat on. To the right Cordelia stands with a worried expression.

“Where is she?” Spike asks, no further explanation of what’s going on is needed. He knows, this is it, they all know it.

“Hendry’s beach,” Cordelia replies and Angel walks out the door with Spike behind him. Neither says another word as they get in Angel’s car, neither need to. There is an unspoken understanding of the situation, they both know what they’re chasing after and know that arguing over any little detail will only cost them valuable time.

As they drive through the blurry storm Spike replays the words of her letter over in his head.

Spike, there are so many things that need to be said that I won’t get a chance to say, but at least I can give you a piece of what you deserve to hear.

Angel takes a corner tightly and the convertible fishtails. Spike grabs the dash and glares at Angel but says nothing. Time is too precious now.

The box below the bed will explain everything, I’ve written letters for everyone. Please try not to think of them as goodbyes, but as a part of me I’ve left behind.

Angel cranks the steering wheel back to the left as the car starts to spin on the icy road. The drive may feel a bit like a carnival ride that’s lost a few screws, but the speed they maintain is what’s important. Both Spike and Angel know they’re making good time, but they both worry that it won’t be good enough.

I’m sorry that it has to end like this, but you have to trust me when I say there was no other way. She is what’s most important, Ashlyn, our daughter, I know you’ll take care of her.

The beach is in sight, and so is the flashing red and white lights of the ambulance and fire truck that rest there. Their lights cast a soft glow through the falling snow. Buffy’s SUV is parked crookedly on the snow covered sand and Angel pulls up beside it.

Spike is out of the car before Angel even has it in park.

You mean a lot to me Spike. I just wish I had taken the time to say the words, but even now they scare me. You were always something different Spike, and I think I’ve felt this way about you long before I ever realized who you really are.

Spike runs down the beach, he leaves footprints behind him that Angel follows.

It took me a long time to understand, but now I get it. I get who you are, not just what you are.

EMT’s are on the snow covered sand and walk to shore from the freezing water.

You’re a good man, Spike. Know that this was all real, every moment of it, every moment with us, and remember me for the good times we had. I’m sorry they were so few and far between.

The paramedics push the gurney into the back of the ambulance and shut the doors. Spike reaches one of them quickly but the man holds his arms out to signal that Spike can’t come any closer.

“Where is she?” He yells through the storm then looks at the ambulance where he knows she was just brought inside of. Angel comes up just behind him. “Let me see her.”

“We can’t,” the EMT says as the ambulance starts to drive away. “She’s in too critical of condition; they’re taking her to Sunnydale General.”

I love you Spike, and my time here being brought back, even though it’s been hard, even though it won’t last. It’s been a blessing because it brought us together, it gave us this miracle.

Spike watches the ambulance speed away then turns to a police officer standing on the beach. His expression is frantic and he grabs the man by the shoulders.

“Is she okay, God, just tell me that she’s alive.” He shakes the man slightly, “Tell me!” he yells.

“I don’t know if she’ll make it, she’s hypothermic, She was in that water too long, really man, there’s isn’t a lot of hope…” the man says honestly.

Angel sets his hand on Spike’s shoulder. Spike turns to face the older vampire.

“Spike, we have to go. They’ve got her, there’s nothing more we can do.”

Take care of our miracle, Love Buffy.

--

Dawn walks into the hospital waiting room to see the Scoobies already sitting around with glum faces. Xander is pacing nervously, Anya sits fiddling with her fingers beside Tara and Willow who stares dejectedly into the thin air. The younger Summers crosses her arms as she looks on at them. Xander had picked them up, and they drove to the hospital in a very crowded car. They shushed her and assured her that things would be alright, but she can tell by looking at them that she knows they don’t think it.

When they first got to the hospital Dawn diverted from the group and went to the ladies room where she splashed her face with cold water and took a moment to breathe. She felt like she was going to lose her sister and would be left with no one. The family that she’s been expecting to grow is suddenly falling apart. Sure she’ll have the Scoobies, but they will never be the same as true family, as a sister. No one will ever look after her like Buffy did and in that moment she realizes just how much she will miss Buffy nagging her about school, about eating right, or checking in when she’s gone to a friend’s house. She will miss the overbearing moments when all she wanted to do was rebel. Buffy had her best interest in sight, and while the Scoobies care they never will be there the way Buffy had.

Now looking at them all waiting in the room before her she can see the concern they have and knows they’re all thinking of themselves first, how will they live without Buffy, how will they cope. But that’s okay, Dawn resigns herself in that moment to grow up and take care of herself from now on. There comes a time in everyone’s life to put away with childish things, Buffy did it a long time ago, did it to save the world, to look after her, and Dawn knows that now is her time to do the same.

Then Spike walks in.

The blonde vampire rushes into the room in a frantic state. His hair and clothes are disheveled and wet from the falling snow. His eyes flash around the room taking in everything he sees, and then his eyes land on Dawn. Her blue orbs grow big as she sees him and her shoulders shrug, she unfolds her arms and crumbles just a little bit.

The rest of Spike’s world vanishes for a moment and he goes to her wrapping her up in a tight hug. He holds her the way he wants to hold Buffy just now. Holds her close and tight as if to try and protect her, or to assure himself that she’s safe.

In that moment Dawn realizes that she still has him, will always have him and no matter what he’ll be there to look after her, to protect her. He’s become a piece of her family.

She’ll still have to look after herself if Buffy dies, she’ll still lose her sister, but knowing she still has Spike is some kind of relief. Neither one of them knows what will happen next, nor do any of the Scoobies. Buffy could die, probably will die, and quite possible the baby as well, but on the Hellmouth things like death are never certain.

--

In the operating room doctors move frantically around the slayers body. A doctor pumps at her chest performing CPR, it’s the only movement that keeps her heart going. Buffy lies on a gurney in the emergency room, her skin white, her lips blue, eyes closed. Bright lights shine overhead making her skin look translucent and white. In the background monitors buzz and beep, and all around her there is frantic movement in an effort to save her life.

“We need to warm her up,” one of the doctors says. Others move around with heated blankets to lie across her.

“The baby’s heartbeat is starting to slow,” another man says.

“We need to get the baby out.”

“But, the hypothermia, we have to warm her up or we’ll lose her.” Everyone pauses for a moment.

“If we can’t save her we’ll lose the baby too… we need to get the baby out now.”

For just a second the doctor performing CPR stops. Her chest doesn’t rise or fall, her heart doesn’t beat. She’s clinically dead. The cold has sucked the life out of her.

They move fast removing the blankets and prepare Buffy for a C-section.





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