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26. Miracles

As Dr. Kirkwood holds the tiny newborn girl in his arms covered in her mother’s blood he thinks that there can’t be anything more beautiful. Looking down at her all the sound in the room seems to vanish, her first breath screams, the voices of the other emergency room doctors, the whirring and beeping of machines, even the ring of a flat lined heart monitor, all of it soundless to Kirkwood in the presence of this child. She is a true miracle, a tiny glimmer of hope delivered in the wake of death and destruction. Only a second passes, but it feels so much longer to the doctor, far more accustomed to seeing death in a town like Sunnydale, who holds the power of life in his hands.

“Doctor!” A nurse yells and Kirkwood looks up. The sound rushes back to his ears, whirring, buzzing, screams of a newborn child, and the frantic flat line screech of Buffy’s heartbeat monitor. Kirkwood hands the baby over to a nurse standing by and goes back to reviving Buffy from her frozen state.

--

Spike spots the doctor first. The young resident comes around the corner with a clipboard in his hand as Spike approaches, his nerves rattling with fear. Spike had been pacing, unable to sit as the anxiety coursed through his veins making him itch for something to do. In one long stride he’s standing before the doctor, behind him Angel stands from his seated position next to Cordelia who holds baby Connor.

The young man looks from one vampire to the next and his grasp on the clipboard trembles; he doesn’t know what they are but in a town like Sunnydale you learn to take the tingly feelings that tell you to be scared very seriously.

“How is she,” Spike demands. His eyes search that of the doctors with fear and worry.

The doctor takes a step back; he knows the outcome for the Summer’s woman isn’t good, saw Dr. Kirkland rush to try and save her, and in the eyes of the man before him he can see a glimmer of yellow. He freezes up and is unable to speak.

“Well,” Spike says again and the man opens his mouth to speak but cannot produce a sound.

Spike grabs the doctor by the shoulders and holds him tight, he shakes him roughly.

“How is she,” he says again, his fingers becoming tighter around the doctor’s arms. Now the young resident is truly scared, but so is Spike. The vampire grabs tighter and shakes him again; the man’s eyes go down to look at his arm which is being crushed under the Spike’s grasp.

“Spike stop, you’re hurting him,” Dawn says, and instantly Spike loosens his grasp as he turns to cast her a glance. He catches out of the corner of his eye the look that Xander casts at him as well, but ignores him and turns back to the doctor.

He drops his arms back to his sides freeing the young man and realizes then just how tightly he’d been holding him. It’s then that Spike feels a hand on his shoulder and looks back to see Angel standing behind him. Spike steps away running his hands through his hair and sighing in frustration. Angel now steps up before the young and startled man.

“Buffy Summers,” Angel says as calm as he can manage, “How is she?”

The doctor twitches and fumbles his clipboard, then finally thoughts return to him, finally he finds his words. He sighs then looks over the group before him.

“Things are still critical. The baby was born via C-section and has been moved to the neonatal intensive care unit, her body temperature is still a little low, but she has a strong heartbeat and overall appears to be a healthy baby girl.”

Spike’s eyes tear up. “And Buffy,” the blonde vampire asks, “How’s Buffy.” The doctor takes a breath.

“She’s still in the E.R. We’re doing everything we can for her, but… I think you might want to prepare yourselves that Miss Summer’s might not make it through.” The doctor looks away as Spike’s face crumbles.

He feels the weight hit him, makes him feel like all of his limbs are made of lead. It’s now that Spike finally sits down. All the anxiety has left his body, all the worry gone; now all that remains is dread.

“I’m going to check on the infant,” the doctor says, “if she’s well enough for visitors I’ll be back shortly.”

--

The paddles of the defibrillator are pressed against the Slayer’s chest.

“Now,” the doctor yells and electricity pulses through the machine and into Buffy’s body making her arch off the gurney.

The doctors watch as the green light on the heart beat monitor spikes then flat lines once again.

“Again,” the doctor calls.

--

Spike stares into the abyss. He’s lost her and he knows it, can feel it, and his heart pains him in a way he’s never felt before. When she died not even a year ago he felt his heart break; but now, losing her after all they’ve shared he feels his heart shatter.

Xander is shooting daggers Spike's way, Willow is whispering to him not to make a scene, but Spike ignores them. Before him Dawn sits between Tara and Cordelia, both the white witch and the sorceress offer their comfort but Dawn seems to have drawn within herself. Anya is solemn sitting on the other side of Xander being quiet as a church mouse and Angel paces in the distance.

Spike feels himself sinking, the darkness, the despair, it’s all pulling him down, and then the doctor returns. Spike refuses to look up.

“They’ve moved the Summer’s baby out of the NICU, you can go see her if you’d like.”

At this Spike looks up. His daughter is okay, his daughter has been born and is healthy and alive and well. He stands up.

--

Xander and Anya walk at the back of the group. Willow and Tara are before them and Dawn walks beside Spike in the front of the line as they follow the doctor to the exhibition glass where all the babies are lined up for all to see. Angel, Cordelia and baby Connor remain in the waiting room. Xander’s arms are crossed and his eyes glued on Spike with a heated glare. Anya rolls her eyes at him then sighs.

“Will you knock it off,” Anya says and Xander glances at her, shocked.

“He hurt that doctor,” Xander says, “it’s obvious his chip has stopped working, probably backfired when he killed that man.”

“Right, that man, Holtz, remember how he was trying to kill us all?”

“That’s not the point, the point is that Spike’s off the leash and no one seems to care.”

“No, they don’t, probably because Buffy is most likely dying and no offense but that seems a little more important than Spike’s chip right now.”

They’ve stopped walking as the observation window is only a few feet away. Dawn, Willow and Tara stand up close to the glass, and Spike follows the doctor around through a door.

“You don’t think I know that, that’s exactly what has me so worried. This is on us now Ayn, you and me to take care of Dawn and that little baby and Buffy told me she wanted us to let Spike be involved, how can we do that? How can we even trust him with the baby?”

Xander sighs worried that he won’t be able to take on this much responsibility, worried that he can’t handle it, that he can’t make the right decisions and abide by Buffy’s wishes as well.

“Guys,” Dawn says turning away from her view through the glass to look at them, “just look.”

Xander and Anya both look to Dawn then step up to the glass. Before them are two rows of babies wrapped up in pink and blue blankets. Xander watches as a nurse in pink scrubs leads Spike to one tiny newborn wrapped in a pink blanket. His eyes lock on the small child for a moment, she’s so small, so fragile. Her eyes are closed, tiny hands fisted and soft fuzz of blonde hair rests on her head. This is what Buffy had been fighting for, what she gave her life for. Looking at her, actually seeing her for the first time Xander begins to understand everything that he’d been missing.

The nurse picks the baby girl up and Xander watches as she hands her to Spike. He watches as the vampire takes his tiny fragile daughter into his arms so carefully and looks down at her as if she were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen in his entire existence. For the first time Xander looks at Spike and sees something in him that he never has before. Xander looks at Spike and doesn’t see a vampire, or a killer, not even an annoying pest. He looks at him and sees a scared nervous man holding a miracle in his arms. Spike looks down at her with wonder and love and Xander sees it all. He sees a man willing to do anything for his family.

For a moment everything becomes clear to Xander. Spike holds his daughter in his arms, his blue eyes begin to water and his throat is choked up. Xander sees that Spike has realized what’s important in life, but Xander has realized it as well. He looks to Anya looks at her looking on at Spike holding his daughter and thinks of all the fears he had about marrying her, thinks about his fears of growing up, and in that moment they all dissolve.

He knows he wants to be with this woman for the rest of his life, knows he wants to grow old with her and one day raise a family with her, one day have a miracle of his own. Xander knows that he would do anything to protect her, he’d die for her, kill for her, change everything that he is for her; and now Xander understands how Spike is capable of the same thing. In this moment everything clicks for Xander. He looks back at Spike and grabs Anya’s hand as he does. She coils her fingers around his.

--

“Again,” Dr. Kirkwood says and the defibrillator paddles are against Buffy’s flesh once again rushing electricity through her lifeless body. She arches off the table. The heart monitor beeps, then beeps, and beeps again. It’s an erratic beat. Kirkwood as well as the other doctors in the room hold their breath for a moment as they look to the heart monitor wondering if it will continue to beep and even out to a consistent beat or flat line again. It beeps again then after a moment, beep, and slowly a consistent pattern of beeping flows from the heartbeat monitor.





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