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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you to my beta, sallyntmare! Thanks for doing so much for me, you're awesome!

I hope everyone enjoys!!
The cool night air was pushing against her, rushing through her hair as she ran away from Spike. Running away from everything that she needed behind her. She ran with no destination in mind, with no certain place she was headed; the only thing on her mind was to run.



Her chest was starting to hurt from her deep, unnecessary breathing, so she stopped her gasps of air, ignoring the subconscious message to breath. The need to breathe was something of the past. Oxygen wasn't something she needed anymore, so she was confused as to why she still felt the urge to do so. Instead of pondering it for too long, she wrote it off as only a habit from her human life.



She ran across a street, into traffic, dodging the cars with her lightning fast reflexes that were enhanced slightly from being turned.

'Rushing, racing and running in circles; moving so fast that I'm forgetting my purpose. The blur of the traffic is sending me spinning…'



She knew it would be best if she stopped, take time to deal with her turning, but ignoring something like this was what she was good at. Running and hiding from things she didn't understand and the feelings that she felt was something she felt comfortable with doing.



How could Spike, of all the vampires in the world, turn her? Why did Spike turn her? Was his goal to break her trust completely? Did he want to break her trust like this? She couldn't comprehend why he had suddenly changed so drastically last night. She knew it wasn’t because he hated her; Spike loved her, he told her, showed her even, enough times for her to believe that. So why had he all of a sudden gotten so angry with her that he felt the need to do the worst thing imaginable—turn her.

She was so caught up in her thoughts—stuff she had previously chosen not to think about—she didn't realize where she was headed before it was too late.



There she stood in the front lawn of her house, her eyes flitting between the dark rooms and silently thanking every god there was that everyone was sleeping. She couldn’t go back to them, they couldn’t see her like this, at least not yet. They wouldn’t accept her like this, not unless she had a soul.



Was it possible that she retained her soul?



'Getting nowhere..'



No longer feeling the need to run, she walked away as she focused on the important question; did she retain her soul? She didn’t feel the desire to hurt her friends or family, but did that mean she had her soul? As much as she didn’t want to hurt her friends or family, she did feel the need to hunt-to feed-to kill. Spike was right that it wasn‘t just the hunger for blood, it was the need and want.



The feeling was so strong, but she did her best to ignore it, even as a couple came walking toward her. They were laughing, smiling, obviously having a good time, and that angered her. They didn’t deserve to be so happy when she was so miserable!



Her natural instincts kicked in as she found herself walking toward them, stalking them, thinking of numerous ways she could kill the both of them. She wanted to squash their happiness, destroy their lives like hers had been.



When she was close enough, she crossed her arms over her chest and cleared her throat to gain their attention. When they looked to her she asked, “Having a good evening?” As she spoke, she looked at the girl closely. She looked familiar to Buffy.



“Buffy? Buffy Summers?” the girl asked. “Ohmigod, do you remember me?” When Buffy shook her head implying ‘no‘, the girl continued. “I'm Nancy, remember? Nancy from your English class? I sat in front of you...”



Ah yes, the girl Buffy stole answers from that time she was able to read minds. “Right! Nancy, hi! It's been so long!” Buffy said, trying to sound cheery and friendly. With her smile never wavering, she continued, “I'm going to kill you now.”



Nancy's face fell into a look of shock and confusion. “Wha...What?”



Buffy’s only answer was a quick twist of the boy’s neck, killing him. She pulled Nancy toward her by her frizzy blonde hair. “He was cute, too bad I killed him so fast, could have had a little fun with him.” Buffy laughed before she slid her fangs into the other girls neck.



Nancy whimpered and cried out, scratching at Buffy's back as the blood was being pulled out of her in large gulps.



Just as she heard Nancy's heart start to slow, Buffy violently pulled her fangs from her neck. “It was nice seeing you again. Was it as nice for you?” She asked sarcastically.



She let the body slide out of her arms to land on the ground with a thud. She never thought of how satisfying that sound could be for a vampire, until she heard it for herself. She wiped her mouth of the blood that had gushed out while feeding, pulling her hand away from her mouth she stared at her blood soaked fingers. She could feel the warmth from the blood still as it glistened under the glow of the streetlight above.



'My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic. Pace of the world, I just wish I could stop it. Try to appear like I've got it together. I'm falling apart...'



She looked down at the two bodies and gasped, shaken from her instinctual daze. She took a step back to further herself from the destruction.



“No...”she whispered, her eyes never leaving the lifeless bodies. “No...”



She started to shake her head in denial, trying to dislodge the memory of the smell of fear, the taste of the girls blood and the feeling of triumph over killing the both of them. She brought shaky hands up and clutched them to her chest, the guilt and sadness almost overtaking her. She could no longer look at the corpses anymore, she had to get away.



Once again, she ran.

　

'Save me...'

　

With tears running down her cheeks, Buffy kept running, picking up speed with every second that passed.



What was happening to her?



She needed Spike, needed him to tell her what was going on and how to deal with every feeling that was going through her. He would know, right? Being a vampire for a century and a half would give you some insight on how to deal with everything. She knew that he could show her everything she needed to know as a vampire, but her pride wouldn’t let her go to him.



'Somebody take my hand, and lead me. Slow me down...'



She didn't stop running until she reached the border of Sunnydale. She looked up to come face to face with the ‘Welcome to Sunnydale’ sign. The sight caused her to laugh at the irony. There was no way she could leave Spike, her family, her friends, her life.



She stood there, torn between freedom and her slayer duties.



Odd that the thought came to her, she was a vampire, so why did she want to slay her own kind? Maybe that was the official fact that proved she still had her soul. It could be that the only reason she killed so easily was because she had newly risen and the urge was uncontrollable, but Spike could teach her, if she could only bring herself to go to him.



That could be wishful thinking though, she felt evil and soulless. God, she was so confused...



'Sometimes I fear that I might disappear. In the blur of fast forward I falter again. Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep. I'm getting nowhere...'



She looked around for somewhere to sit, to rest, to just shut everything out.



'Tired of rushing, racing and running. I'm falling apart...'



In the distance she saw a secluded cave, walked over to the entrance and gingerly made her way inside. She hoped there was nothing in there because she wasn’t in any condition to fight. She had too many emotions buzzing through her head to fight properly. She was too distracted.



'Slow me down...'



When she reached the end of the cave unharmed, she collapsed to the ground, sobbing her grief onto the ground. She couldn't live this way. She had to stop it.



'Just show me. I need you to slow me down...'



She searched her pockets, hoping she had her stake. When she came up empty handed she was very disappointed. There was nothing she could use to end her life. Her demon was relieved at the fact, but her Slayer side was screaming in pain, in heartbreak.



There was one thing however, the sun would surely end her life. As she closed her eyes she silently vowed that she would walk into the morning sunlight. She tried desperately to block out the feelings that were continuously running through her since her turning. It would be so nice if she could go into the catatonic state she was in when Dawn was taken.



Oh God... Dawn...



'The noise of the world is getting me caught up. Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it.'



Buffy was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize Spike had entered the cave and was now clutching her to his chest as he cooed into her ear softly. Her initial thought was to run, but she was so tired of running. She wanted to feel comforted the way only he was able to. She wanted to feel normal again, to feel anything but the total confusion, fear and anger.



Buffy pulled him closer until he was spooning against her back, his arms wrapped around her protectively and comfortingly. She rolled around and buried her face in his chest as she finally let all of her pain and confusion go so she could rest in the arms of her sire.



'Just need to breathe, somebody please, slow me down...'





TBC


Chapter End Notes:
So?? What do you think of Buffy's awakening? Reviews make me smile!!

The song used in this chapter is Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum. You can hear the song here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiLcw4juIMk&ob=av2e



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