Buffy peeled her sticky, sweat covered body off of Spike’s and lay down next to him. Every cell in her body was still humming from the orgasms he gave her. Never had she felt so alive.
In the time since she lost her Mom a layer of ice had been encasing her heart, but Spike was chipping away at it, piece by piece. Actually even before her mother’s death that ice had been freezing around her. She had spent so long in self-enforced isolation, hating the fact that she loved a man she could never have and hating herself for feeling that way in the first place.
But Spike made her melt and thawed the numbness within, and she dearly hoped that one day she could do something as deeply profound and meaningful for him.
Exhaling a satisfied sigh, Buffy burrowed into the crook of her lover’s shoulder, placing a sweet kiss on his chest. She laid her hand gently on his abdomen, tracing fluid circles.
A little giggle escaped her lips, and Spike raised his head to look at her in mock annoyance.
“Having a bird laugh at him right after he’s been eating her pussy for hours isn’t exactly what a bloke wants to hear.”
Buffy’s eyes twinkled and she placed a peck on his arm.
“I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just thinking how this is the last thing I expected tonight. Or ever, I guess. I didn’t think you’d ever…”
Spike bobbed his head.
“Me too. There’s a part of me that knows we probably shouldn’t do this. You’re underage for a start, and I’m your legal sodding guardian.” He exhaled heavily. “But I just can’t seem to care about any of that stuff. I’m a git but it was bloody brilliant. You know that, don’t you?”
“It was for me.” Buffy agreed. “But you didn’t exactly…get anything.” She said, an adorable blush staining her cheeks, as she cast her eyes away from his. An answering chuckled rumbled through his chest, and damn it if that sound didn’t turn her on all over again.
“Trust me, pet. Tonight, having you here like this…it was everything I needed.”
The pair shared a tender moment, their eyes locking and a mutual understanding passing between them.
“Spike?”
“Yes, pet?”
“Do you think…I mean…if Mom knew what we did…what we’re doing…do you think she would be mad?” A hint of fear colored her voice as she asked the question. No matter how much she wanted to be with Spike, if she thought that their union would be dishonoring her Mom’s memory, she would rather endure the pain of not being with him.
Spike bit his lip, contemplating how to answer her question.
“I think she would want us both to be happy, love. She loved you more than anything you know. You were her world, even when the two of you went through the hard times.” He told her honestly.
“She talked about me with you?” Buffy asked curiously.
“All the time. She was proud of the bloody brilliant young woman she saw you becoming.”
Buffy nodded thoughtfully, letting the information sink in.
“Spike, did you…were you…?”
“Was I what, kitten?”
“Were you in love with her?” She blurted out in one thunderous exhale.
He knew that the way he answered that question could be very detrimental to their budding relationship if he wasn’t careful, and he didn’t want to ruin the rapport they had now. In fact he wasn’t sure that either answer that he could give would really provide a salve for Buffy’s pain at the loss of her mother or the anguish she felt over whether or not being with him was right.
He knew that despite her overt desire for him, Buffy had her reservations now that things between them were a reality.
“I did love your Mum.” Spike told her, swallowing down the lump forming in his throat. “I still do, and I probably always will.”
Buffy’s face fell. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy that her mother was loved in life and would continue to be posthumously, but rather that if his heart was filled with her Mom’s memory then there would be no space for her.
And his answer didn’t help with the guilt that was starting to worm its way into her heart. Loving him from afar and in fantasies was one thing.
But being in his arms…she just wanted to know that it didn’t make her a bad person.
That it didn’t make her a bad daughter.
And that she was worthy of being truly loved and adored.
“But…” he continued, breaking into her sorrowful reverie, “I’m not truly sure that I was in love.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“What does that even mean? Splainy please?”
“It means that I’ve had a tough bloody life, kiddo. Things have never been an easy ride for me. At every turn it’s like there’s someone lurking in the sodding shadows waiting to play another round of Kick the Spike, and all that bollocks. But when I met your Mum, she made me feel safe. She was a beautiful woman, no doubt, but…in some ways Joyce felt like safety to me. Not…passion.”
“Oookay!” Buffy held a hand up. “You can stop there. I get the…very graphic…idea.”
“I don’t want to upset you with any of this. I know it’s bleeding difficult for both of us. But I know you want to remember Joyce’s memory. Maybe we can honor it together.”
“Thank you.” She muttered, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She snuffled and leaned into him, instinctively seeking comfort from this kind hearted and wonderful man.
In truth part of the reason she had asked the questions was to torment herself. Yet the answers she had gotten had strangely helped her.
Spike was glad that Buffy didn't ask any more about it. For a moment he had been terrified that she would ask about how he felt about her.
However, he knew that he was nowhere near ready to voice his own burgeoning emotions for his stepdaughter to her.
He kissed her gently and rested his forehead against Buffy’s.
Smacking her lips, she involuntarily yawned breaking the moment.
“Tired kitten?”
“Mhm. It’s been a long night that started off not so much with the fun and ended very much with the awesome.”
Spike smiled, curling his tongue behind his teeth in a way that oozed sensuality.
“And once again, the English language thanks you very much for butchering it to death.”
“Says Mr. Oh Bloody Hell What A Bunch of Buggering Bollocks?” Buffy scowled, but it was a playful gesture and Spike felt his heart swell. This girl was young and innocent, almost a child in so many ways, but he had also seen her strength tonight, and it had flawed him with its valiant immeasurability.
Now that he had her, he wasn’t sure that he could ever let her go. Even the mere thought drove daggers into his heart.
“Want to sleep?” He asked, as she let out another wide yawn.
“Not sleepy.” She lied with a giggle, snuggling closer, before trying to suppress another yawn. “Ugh, okay, I guess I am all sleepy-heady. But I kinda need to…” She glanced away and hushed her voice to a whisper. “I really need to pee.”
Spike chuckled at her embarrassment over admitting her need to normal bodily functions. It was strange, but he felt that in confiding that in him, she had trusted him with another piece of herself. Yes, it was simple, but it meant something to him.
Never had Spike suspected that peeing could be so poignant.
Sitting up, she hoisted her nude body out of the bed, oblivious to the way Spike’s cock once again hardened as she stretched. Her small breasts bobbed gently as she stood up, drying out Spike’s mouth and making his palms sweaty.
Unable to resist, he gave her a little thwap on her ass as she went to walk away, causing her to cast him a scowl over her shoulder, followed by a small smile that showed him that she wasn’t truly mad. In fact, the lust that shone through her gaze told him that she was feeling quite the opposite of mad.
Making her way out of the room before he could drag her back into bed and take her over and over again, she ambled down the hallway, past the bedroom that was now Spike’s…the bedroom that he had once shared with her mother. She leaned against the doorway, casually surveying the room and trying to keep at bay the barrage of memories that sought to assail her.
A little pang hit her as the memory of her mother’s smiling face floated in front of her consciousness. So many times they had sat on that bed and laughed and joked. And so many times they had torn each other apart in there, flinging harsh and hateful words at each other.
God how much she wished she could take those words back now.
Once again that night she wondered if this was the right thing to do…being with Spike. Just like he had said himself, he was still her stepfather, and she was still underage. If anyone found out then he would go to jail and she would be left alone, either shipped off to her biological father’s or…well she didn’t even know, and she definitely didn’t want to think about it.
But Buffy believed that Spike was right that her mother would have desired a happy life for her sole daughter. It was not as though she felt she was betraying her Mom’s memory either. Her mother had loved Spike and she had loved her, and she hoped that Joyce would have been happy to see her daughter cared for by a good man, even if it was her widower.
She knew that she was still young and that so many people would probably just consider what they had a teenage crush on her part and possibly a midlife grief fueled crisis on Spike’s side. But with every moment she spent with him she could feel her feelings evolving, becoming more profound.
She knew that she truly loved him now.
She just wasn’t sure if she could ever tell him.
Maybe she was rushing into this, but tonight, she had almost been raped, and if Spike hadn’t found her when he did, then she might have died. She didn’t know exactly what this Angel guy was capable of, and Spike was definitely hiding something about him, but she knew that he was no amateur. He was one of the big boys and to fight him, Buffy had a feeling that they would have to try and bring out the big guns.
She was just about to turn out of the room toward the bathroom when a beam of morning sunlight glistened over something on the floor. Her eyes widened as she glanced down only to see pictures strewn across the ground. She hadn’t even noticed them at first, but then her thoughts had been otherwise occupied.
Bending down she picked up one of the photos in which Spike was pouting into the camera, wearing his usual black jeans and top. His hair was still the same as now but his attire was way more blingy! He wore heavy silver chains, and safety pins on his ripped T-shirt.
And was that an eyebrow piercing?
This clearly much younger version of Spike was flanked by two attractive women, a blonde and a brunette, who were hugging him. A shriek of jealousy sounded within her but she dampened it down. After all, maybe these women were just friends of his.
Buffy wondered when the photograph had been snapped. It had to have been several years ago if his appearance was anything to go by. It occurred to her just how little she knew about Spike’s life before he met her Mom. It would be nice to know more…and if he left pictures all over the floor then it couldn’t exactly be considered snooping.
She didn’t recognize the scenery in the photo and leaning closer she studied it a little more to see if she could identify anything.
Then suddenly her heart careened tempestuously inside her chest as she noticed. A brown haired figure puffing on a cigarette, standing a few feet behind the trio in the picture almost physically jumped out at her. Despite the fact that this man was wearing sunglasses, and that he was obviously much younger there, she could have identified him anywhere after what had happened earlier in the evening.
Angel.
Holy shit!
Spike had lied to her.
He sold her a bunch of bullshit that Angel was new in town and she’d believed it like a naïve idiot.
It was hurt that hit her first, like a truck careering over her fragile heart, uncaring as it busted it into shards that might never truly mend.
Did he really think she was stupid? Apparently so!
In her veins her blood began to boil with fury as she realized that in spite of everything that happened between them, he still couldn’t trust her. In his mind she was just a child and not a partner and that pissed her off so fucking bad.
Striding out of Spike’s bedroom and back into her own she tried to rationalize the situation. Of course she had guessed that the two of them had some kind of history, but seeing it here in plain color brought it to life.
She was sick of waiting for answers. She wanted them now.
Tonight she had invited Spike to taste her body, opened herself up to him with everything that she had, and now she wanted him to give her the same courtesy.
As she entered her bedroom the smile that was gracing Spike’s face immediately fell when he saw the expression on hers.
“Love, what’s…?”
Buffy shoved the picture in his face furiously, cutting off the rest of his question.
“I knew you knew him!” She exclaimed. “This picture isn’t recent, Spike. This must be at least ten years old. So cut the crap and just be honest for once in your life. That’s Angel. This picture is old. I don’t have to be a god damn math genius to work it out.”
Seeing him open his mouth, she interjected before he could tell her to trust him, which she knew was what he was about to say.
“And don’t tell me that I need to put faith in you, or trust that you know what you’re doing. All you’ve done is lie to me. Weird late phone calls about how you don’t want me to know the truth and lame-ass cover stories.
I should have known something was up then. But no! Like a fool, I did trust you. Then there’s psycho old acquaintances running around and still…here’s me…Trusty-Buffy. And now this?! I give you my body…and my heart…and I think I deserve some honesty!”
Some of the fight drained out of her and her voice took on a pleading quality. “We’re in this together now. And so help me, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I will make you tell me.”
Fire flashed behind her eyes, and Spike felt a frisson of pride course through him at the gumption of this tiny girl.
For so long he had tried to hide everything, tangling them both up in the sticky clutches of this painful web, but he couldn’t do that anymore. He knew it was time to give her the bloody show and tell that she wanted.
And it was bloody… to say the least.
He just hoped that once she heard the gruesomely unhappy truth, she wouldn’t hate him for it.
Because he knew now that if he lost her, he would lose everything.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. I hope people are still enjoying this story.
I know there's lots of unanswered questions in the story...but answers will be coming soon. ;)
I know there's lots of unanswered questions in the story...but answers will be coming soon. ;)
Chapter End Notes:
Hope you all liked this chapter. Please review. :)