An awkward silence fell in the room and unable to continue to look at the judgment written all across Anya’s face, Buffy gave in to her instinct to bolt.
“I’m sorry, really sorry, Anya.” She said, before running out of the room, and straight into a strong chest.
When Buffy came careering into Spike, he was startled, but that surprise turned into worry when he saw how hard she was crying, her eyes and cheeks were puffy and her face was coated in a thin sheen of moisture.
It tugged at his heart in the most painful way to see her so unhappy.
“What’s the matter, pet?” He asked her with concern lacing his voice.
“It’s all my fault!” She mumbled into his chest. “All my fault!”
Spike felt his heart crumble at those words. He knew what it was like to shoulder the blame for something, to feel like you were the one who made that happen.
How could Buffy believe that she was responsible for this?
He didn’t want that for his Buffy.
He wasn’t sure what had gone on in that room, but apparently the talk with Anya hadn’t gone well judging by Buffy’s flustered state.
As she shook in his embrace, he wondered if she would ever be the same after everything that had happened recently.
Or would it all leave her irreparably scarred?
God, he hoped not.
He really hoped not.
“No, pet.” He told her as forcefully as he could. “You weren’t the one who did this. That bloody bastard hurt her, and I will not let you put this all on you.”
“She said…she blames me, Spike.”
Spike cupped her cheek and rubbed tiny circles on it with his thumb, clearing away some of her tears.
“She’s angry and hurt, and she’s lashing out at you, because that’s what people in pain do. But you didn’t do anything wrong here.” Spike said with vehemence.
She swiped at her eyes and nose with the back of her hand, sniffing sadly.
He was right.
People in pain do lash out.
And she was in pain right now.
Currently Spike was the nearest target.
“You’re right.” Buffy told him coldly, feeling her own need to lash out at someone bubble uncontrollably in her veins. “I wasn’t the one who brought him to town.”
She leveled a cold stare at him, and he flinched, hurt by her implied accusation. But right now he couldn’t muster the strength to argue with the girl, especially as he knew she was only lashing out at him because she was in pain herself.
“What? Got nothing to say? You were plenty vocal when you insisted we keep the cops out of this. We could have stopped him.” Buffy hissed.
“And you think that bloody poofter would have kept quiet about Dru and Darla and the accident if we grassed on him?”
“I think it shouldn’t have mattered. We had the chance to do the right thing and we blew it. Now my friend is lying in a hospital bed, scarred mentally and physically by what that asshole did to her. We can’t change that. But…I need some time to come to terms with it.”
“What are you saying, Buffy?”
“I’m saying we need to take a little time away from each other right now. Why don’t you go home?” She suggested wearily. “I need to stay here with Anya, even if she hates me. And you’re…not needed.”
Buffy wasn’t really sure why she was pushing him away when all she needed was for him to take her into his embrace and keep her there forever.
However, seeing him was a reminder that he was indirectly to blame for what had happened to Anya. And so was she, no matter how much logic negated that theory.
Spike had brought Angel to Sunnydale, although not intentionally, and he had stopped her from calling the cops when Angel attacked her.
The part of Buffy that needed a scapegoat to alleviate her own responsibility was able to easily jump onto the train that told her it was all Spike’s fault.
Otherwise she would have to turn the scathing criticism on herself again, and right now after what Anya had said she was barely holding it together.
“Not leaving you here all bloody alone, Buffy.” He said with finality. “Not with Angelus still out there and clearly bloody dangerous.”
“I’m not alone. The nurses are here and the doctors, and there’s cops crawling all over. I’ll be fine. I don’t need you here right now, Spike. Please, just go.”
He wavered for a moment, but the cold expression on her face and her hostile stance pushed his buttons enough that he felt his anger flare.
Spike needed to get the hell out of dodge before he said something he knew he would regret.
“Fine.” He said icily, moving to leave.
Spike stopped before he had even walked 5 feet away, his posture slumping. “If you need anything, just call me. I’ll be at home.”
Her expression softened enough that he knew all of this fury toward him was just her reaction to the trauma, and he was sure that it would all be okay in time.
Or at least he hoped so.
“Thank you.” She said, closing the distance between them, and caressing his lips with hers. “Really, I just need some time to get my head into some kind of order that’s not totally of the crazy kind.”
He hugged her to him and pecked the top of her head. Inside his emotions were screaming at him to finally confess the way he knew for sure he felt now.
He loved her.
But it wasn’t the right time to tell her.
They would have other, better opportunities that wouldn’t be so steeped in pain and regret to enjoy each other.
When Spike finally left, Buffy flopped into one of the chairs in the hallway, and buried her head in her hands.
Willow and Xander had both rushed into Anya’s room after she had come running out so she was all alone.
Not that she lamented the silence at the moment.
Her thoughts were so confused that she wasn’t sure that she would ever be able to untangle them.
She knew she should have left with Spike, and that she shouldn’t have let him go off thinking she was mad at him.
But it was like she needed to stay at the hospital to try and pardon her own sins.
In her mind her sins were plentiful.
She was drawn from her thoughts by the sound of the door opening, and she looked up to see Willow and Xander hovering in front of her.
“She wanted to know if you’re still here.” Willow told Buffy.
“Hoping I’m gone, is she?” Buffy said bitterly.
“Actually, she wants to talk to you.” Willow said. “She told us what happened between the two of you and right now she needs all the people around her who care about her. I think that you do, Buffy.”
Willow’s unwavering faith in her made her smile faintly and she stood up, wiping her clammy palms on the front of her pants.
Walking back into the room alone was hard for Buffy. After what had passed between her and Anya only a few minutes earlier she was still reeling.
And now that Spike had left, she felt bereft, like she had been abandoned in the middle of the Pacific Ocean without a life-raft.
“Hi.” Anya said.
“Hi.” Buffy fidgeted, wringing her hands together as she leaned against the doorjamb.
“I shouldn’t have blamed you.” Anya said without preamble. “I was angry and upset. The blame lies at the feet of the man who did this and he’s the one who deserves to be punished.”
Buffy nodded, urging Anya to continue.
“I know a lot of people see me as stupid.” Anya sighed. “They consider me the comic relief of the junior class. But inside I’m hurting now and I don’t know how to make it stop. I’ve always been in control and Angel took that away from me. I just want the pain to stop.”
“Anya, I know it hurts right now. And I can’t promise that it will ever stop hurting after something bad happens. When Angel attacked me, I guess I was lucky that Spike stopped him. I should have gone to the police, I know that, but there’s more to this than you know. But I swear to you, that Angel will get what he deserves, even if I have to dish out vengeance with my own two hands.”
“I want to get through this, Buffy. I want to get back everything he stole from me with his disgusting touch, and I need to…I need to know that he…won’t be able to do this to any other girl ever again.” She broke off as sobs tore through her.
Without hesitation, Buffy moved forward and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging the other girl close to her.
As the tears began to flow, the hurt started to erode, and in that moment a bond was formed that would transcend both space and time.
When Buffy finally exited the room she was confronted with the worried visages of Willow and Xander.
“We’re okay now.” She told them feeling the exhaustion catching up with her. “I think that the healing process has started.”
Xander gave her a sharp nod and disappeared into his girlfriend’s hospital room, but Willow hung back.
“Are you okay?” Willow asked.
“I feel like I’ve been put through the paces in a medieval torture chamber the past few weeks, but apart from that I’m peachy keen.” Buffy responded dryly. She sighed heavily. “But I will be okay. I just need to get some air or something, I think. It kinda feels like the walls are closing in on me here.”
She left Willow watching her anxiously as she strode away.
Reflecting on what Anya had said to her as she stepped onto the elevator and rode back down to the first floor, she realized that the other girl was right.
The blame should be laid at the feet of the perpetrator and Angel was the one who caused all this.
He was malicious and callous and he enjoyed making other people suffer. From everything she knew about him, it was clear that his true enjoyment came not from the final act of death, but rather from destroying the human spirit and breaking it down piece by piece.
Buffy believed that her spirit was stronger than Angelus had given her credit for and she really didn’t think that there was anything that he could do to break her.
The cool afternoon air was a balm to Buffy as she stepped out of one of the hospital’s back doors.
The door had led out to a secluded alley that was lined with dumpsters all exuding their own less than pleasant scent.
Still, in spite of the stench from the trash, the solitude was comforting for Buffy after the chaos that had battered her life recently.
She leaned against the wall and rested the back of her head against the cool brick. She let her eyes drift shut and let out a long cleansing breath.
However, her eyes snapped open when she heard the most sinister of voices.
“Hello lover.”
[Reviews - 51]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 1213 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for reviewing and thank you to everyone reading.