As soon as Spike left the hospital he tried to dampen the sadness and regret festering in his belly. He wouldn’t even acknowledge that the uncomfortable stone in his gut was heavy guilt.
The peroxide blond had wandered around for a little while, before returning home, just musing on everything that had occurred in recent months and trying to sort his thoughts into some kind of reasonable, logical order.
Unfortunately, the moment he walked through the front door, he had fallen on old habits and cracked open a bottle of whiskey.
Drowning his sorrows was the best way to drive down the guilt that he didn’t want to admit even existed.
In all honesty, he was regretting not only what Angelus had done, but the fact that he had walked away from Buffy when she needed him to be her rock. He knew that he should have suppressed his own feelings earlier and stood alongside her when she needed his support, but hearing her imply that he was to blame in all of this stabbed him right in his heart.
Even if it was partly true.
Okay, so maybe that guilt wasn’t as deeply buried as he would have wished.
He thought back to the fateful day, several months ago, when he had been sitting in his office at the dojo and the door had swung open to reveal Angelus in front of him. It was like something from one of his worst nightmares.
Nightmares of the dark-haired man still sporadically plagued him, but he’d always hoped that he would never actually encounter him in the flesh ever again.
However, he’d refused to let the evil thing in front of him intimidate him. Amping-up his own swagger, he’d put on a front of confidence for Angel’s benefit, pretending that he was impervious to Angel’s attempts to harm him.
Joyce had been the one who ended up bearing the brunt of Angelus’ wrath over that. The night that Angelus marched into the quiet, peaceful restaurant and shot his wife at point-blank range would be emblazoned into his mind and soul until the day that he took his last breath on this earth, before waltzing out.
Spike could visualize the smirk on the lumbering brunet’s face as he pulled the trigger and he knew that no matter what he did, nothing could wash that from his mind.
It was, in fact, classic Angelus and his ego knew no bounds. It wasn’t as if the police had never tried to get Angelus convicted for other crimes before but the murderer didn’t need to worry about the cops most of the time, because anyone who had ever agreed to testify against him wound up dead.
Angelus wasn’t scared of anyone, and Spike knew now that he should have taken precautions, especially knowing how hell bent on revenge the other man was.
Why is retrospect always twenty-twenty?
To be honest, Spike had thought that if anything, Angelus would turn Spike over to the cops for what had happened with Drusilla and Darla. Spike didn’t doubt that Angelus had some kind of evidence that would ensure Spike spent a long time in prison. The brunet wasn’t stupid, but he was cunning and callous, and Spike’s underestimation of him had cost an innocent woman her life.
And it had cost the woman he was now in love with her mother.
Part of him craved the absolution that telling Buffy would give him, but the larger part was terrified that if he admitted that he knew all along that Angel was the culprit then their relationship would be devastated.
The sound of the backdoor opening sliced through his reverie and he rose up off of the couch, setting his empty whiskey glass down on the coffee table.
However, he wasn’t prepared for Buffy’s coldness when she marched into the room, eyes blazing. He knew that she’d been upset but he thought they had achieved some kind of truce before he departed from the hospital.
“What’s the matter, pet?”
“I ran into Angelus.” Buffy told him straightforwardly, studying his expression. His face twisted into a moue of concern when he heard her words, and he rushed forward to her, running his hands over her as if to check for injuries.
“Are you alright? He didn’t hurt you did he?”
“He tried.” Buffy scoffed bitterly. “I got away before he could do anything. He’s not quite as tough as he thinks.”
Spike moved to kiss her but Buffy took a step back, pushing his hands away from her body and swallowed audibly as she prepared to ask him a question that she knew would change their relationship forever.
“Why didn’t you tell me that Angelus was the one who killed my mother?” She had intended the question to be sharp and strong but instead it came out in a small whisper.
He could see the vulnerability in her eyes and his heart broke for the lost little girl in front of him.
“I…don’t know.” Spike admitted.
“So it’s true then? You knew Angelus was in town before he…did that…and you knew he murdered Mom but you kept it from me?”
He scrubbed a hand over his tired face and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I guess the ponce really went to town on you. Must have told you everything.”
“You should have been the one to tell me, Spike! I trusted you.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you that, pet. I was bloody well afraid.” Spike said.
“Well you should have ‘bloody well’ tried!” Buffy yelled, wishing she could drive her fist into his chin.
Seeing him standing here, trying to make excuses for it was like an open flame to a canister of gasoline and wrath simmered inside her. She felt like any minute they would pour out of her burning them both up from the inside out.
Suddenly her skin felt too tight and it was as if a million insects were crawling underneath it. Never before had she experienced blind rage like this.
Not even when she first found out that her Mom was dead.
Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked them back, refusing to show him weakness. In the space of a moment he had become the enemy and it was ripping her to pieces.
As if it had a life of its own her right hand reached back and delivered a hefty slap to Spike’s face. He winced at the pain, screwing his eyes shut to fight back tears of his own.
“Buffy…”
“No! You don’t get to ‘Buffy’ me! So do tell, Spikey. What was this? Were you trying to protect Angel? Was this all some stupid scheme? Maybe you were working together. Mom did have some huge insurance policies after all. Kill her and then fuck me? Was that it? Were you planning to share me with Angel?” By the end of her tirade she was shrieking at him. Her face was red and puffy, as she panted out wheezy, distressed breaths.
“What?” He uttered with disbelief. “Have you gone off your bleeding bird? I would never work with that sod! And I would never have let Joyce get hurt if I knew that he would go after her. I thought he’d come after me, but not her. I should have known but I didn’t and God help me, Buffy, I’ll regret that until the day they put me six feet under the bloody ground. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how to!”
“No. I don’t think that’s the truth. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t trust me, Spike. I believed in you and you threw that right back in my face!”
“No! I just…wanted to protect you. I knew that if you knew the truth you would have…”
“Would have what? Hated you? Well I guess you were right there because now I do know the truth and guess what? I do hate you!”
“Baby, no…”
“I can’t believe I ever let you touch me. You let my mother die, Spike, and then you lied about it. You let me fall…let me care about you when you knew there was this big secret in between us and it’s as if you don’t even care. I think that you didn’t want to protect me…you wanted to protect yourself.”
Spike turned to the girl that he loved, openly weeping and reached for her but she took a step back away from him. She couldn’t bear to have him touch her right now.
“Yeah, I did want to protect myself. I was afraid, a coward. And I’m a sodding wanker for not telling you. But we can’t let this come between us. We can get through it.”
“We can’t.” Buffy murmured with genuine sorrow. “You’re a disgusting evil liar. You’re really no different than Angelus.”
Spinning away from him, she strode into the kitchen and made toward the backdoor, but Spike knew that he couldn’t let her leave like this.
He felt as if he was losing her but he was powerless to stop her from slipping through his fingers. It was like grasping at a mist.
With a fraught attempt to make her listen he latched onto her arm, his fingers wrapping tightly around her wrist, trying to jerk her to him.
Tugging her arm from his desperate grip she headed toward the back door, yanking the door open.
“Please, Buffy. I’m sorry! Don’t do this!” He dropped to his knees in front of her, pleading with red-rimmed eyes for her forgiveness.
She whipped around and with seething hatred, she turned contemptuous eyes on him, still gripping the doorframe with white knuckles.
“Leave me alone. Just let me go!” She insisted.
In a last, panicked attempt, he tried to cling onto her ankles.
“It’s dangerous out there, love. Angelus…”
“I don’t fucking care! Right now I would rather die at Angelus’ hands than spend another moment near to you.”
“Please….Buffy…please!” Spike sobbed, but Buffy merely kicked her feet, freeing her ankles from his grip.
“I hate you, Spike.” Buffy hissed coldly. “I don’t ever want to see you again. Don’t follow me and don’t contact me. You let my mother die, but I wish you were the one who was dead.”
He watched her go, powerless to do anything else. When the door slammed it felt like a bullet to his heart.
In fact, he wished it was a bullet.
Because Spike didn’t think that he could continue to live in a world where Buffy hated him.
Buffy didn’t know how long she spent walking the streets, but the air was starting to cool with the impending chill of evening when she finally sat down on a swing in the park, absently rocking forward and back, her mind in turmoil. She scraped her feet absently along the ground, gripping the cold metal of the swing with shaky hands.
In her pocket she felt her cell phone vibrate again and a glance at the display told her that Spike once again wanted to talk to her. All afternoon she had been ignoring his calls. Clearly he wasn’t able to understand that she never wanted to see him again. She didn’t care if she had to leave Sunnydale and go live with her aunt in Illinois as long as she didn’t have to be in his vicinity ever again.
Feeling a sudden burst of anger, she accepted the call and put the receiver to her ear, intending to tell him just what she was feeling.
“What part of ‘never wanna talk to you again’ did you not understand?” She spit into the phone.
There was a moment’s silence before she got a response.
“Now, now, Buff. I don’t think I like your tone.” She had been expecting to her the rough tones of Spike’s British accent but the mocking sound of Angel’s American one was not what she had expected.
“Angelus.” She said with a mixture of confusion and hostility. “How the hell do you have Spike’s cell?”
He laughed.
“It was easy. Really, too easy.” Angelus paused. “Your boy is an idiot, Buff. Although let’s be fair, he was drunk and…crying when I found him.” Angelus snickered meanly and Buffy felt herself bristle even further.
“A small piece of pipe and a drunken Willy do an unconscious moron make.” Angel riddled. “Really, Sunnydale is just not the kind of place where you can leave your backdoors unlocked these days. No telling what kind of people can sneak in and murder you in your own home.”
In spite of her anger at Spike and the harsh words that she had flung at him only hours earlier, she felt her love for the blond man surge once again in her heart as the fear dampened the fury and the thought of him being in danger at Angelus’ malevolently meaty hands really got her hackles up.
“If you touch him, I swear I will kill you.” Buffy threatened, but Angel seemed less than worried and laughed again.
“I won’t hurt him…if you swoop in and save him, Supergirl. If you’re not here within the next ten minutes then lover boy is as dead as…well as dead as your mommy.”
“You disgusting piece of shit! I will make sure that you rot in hell.” Buffy gripped her telephone so tightly that her knuckles turned white but once again Angelus only gave her a breezy, unconcerned response.
“Ten minutes, babe.” He paused. “Oh, and if you give the cops so much as a wave on your way over here, Willy-boy will be dead before you can blink.”
Before she had a chance to respond the line beeped and she realized he had hung up. Buffy shook her head trying to clear it and took a few deep breaths.
Steeling her resolve she took off at a run toward Revello Drive.
It was time to face the music.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I added a chapter yesterday also so please read that one first if you have not already read it.
Here is the penultimate chapter. Enjoy! :)
Here is the penultimate chapter. Enjoy! :)
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading. Just one chapter and the epilogue to go now...