Finally her manager reached the end of his tether. He told her of his concern that if she didn’t confront her issues then they would keep on piling up until the day she finally suffered a total mental break.
“I care for you too much to allow you to continue on such a thoroughly destructive path,” Giles told her tenderly. “I want you to find a way to deal with all this. You’ve been in the spotlight for such a long time that I’m not surprised it’s taking its toll on you, my dear.”
A whole lot of frantic spectacle polishing and tantrum-ing had ensued for several days until she finally she caved in to his advice.
“Fine Giles, you win,” she said dejectedly. “I’ll try one of these head shrink-y people. If you think they can help me, then I’m gonna do it.”
They eventually settled on Buffy going to see Dr. Tara Maclay who was world renowned for her work with celebrities and Buffy figured if anyone could fix her, it would be Dr. Maclay.
However, the therapist assured Buffy that she didn’t need ‘fixing.’ All she needed was to talk things out and she would learn the tools to cope with everything herself.
Buffy did take advantage of the opportunity to talk. It had never occurred to her before that she didn’t actually have anyone to talk to. Sure she had Giles and a host of casual acquaintances, but there was no one that she could truly confide in. Tara became a sounding board for her and Buffy felt like a weight was lifted.
Tara was one of those women who always seemed to be calm and collected. It was as if she bypassed the ‘crisis’ part of life that the majority of women had to suffer through.
Tara was a beautiful woman in her mid-30’s. Her honey blonde hair was usually pulled back in a ponytail, but her bangs prevented the look from being too harsh. She was smartly dressed, usually in a shirt and slacks and she was in a seemingly perfect relationship with another woman. Every single one of those reasons checked boxes as to why Tara was the ideal candidate to help Buffy. Buffy wondered if maybe she should consider lesbianism just to make everything simpler.
It was a chilly winter’s day in December when Buffy sat in Tara’s office sipping a hot chocolate. Earlier that day she’d received her first good news in what seemed like forever. However, unfortunately she hadn’t taken it quite as well as she should have.
“So an Oscar nomination?” Tara said neutrally. “How do you feel about that?”
“I should be all blissful Buffy right now, shouldn’t I?” Buffy said, looking anything but blissful.
“And you’re not?” Tara studied the younger blonde, her doe eyes drinking in the tense posture of the actress.
I just don’t want to be a failure,” she confided in Tara. “Being nominated for an Oscar is like a dream but…if I don’t win it’ll be a nightmare.”
“What makes you feel that way?”
“Everyone’s got all of these expectations. If I don’t live up to them then they’ll hate me.” It felt physically painful to be so unusually frank and honest, but Tara had a calmness surrounding her that allowed Buffy to open up.
Tara frowned. “Being nominated for an Oscar is a success in itself, Buffy,” she told her gently. “What matters is the way that you feel about things.”
“I guess so,” Buffy agreed hesitantly. “But this movie caused a stir off the screen too. I guess I don’t want all of that shit to start up again.”
“Oh!” Tara said, with sudden recognition. “It was at the premiere for this one that the fight between Riley and Spike broke out?”
Buffy grimaced in sad recollection. “Not at the premiere. God, that would have been even worse. It was at the after party. It was a horrible night. Spike threw a punch at Riley ‘cause he insulted me or something. I don’t even know exactly what happened. It’s just like this blur.”
Buffy’s mind was catapulted back to that night the days after that fight. Every news program and newspaper in the world became obsessed with it. Buffy was labeled a ‘harlot’ and a ‘wanton woman’ by so many people. Rumors circulated that she was sleeping around with every man in Hollywood. She spent most of those days in a catatonic trance but the fallout still seemed to soak into her brain through osmosis. It was the worst time in her whole entire life. It didn’t help that neither Riley nor Spike actually bothered to publically refute the rumors.
Of course, Riley was busy having his nose reshaped by his cosmetic surgeon and Spike was awaiting his trial for his assault on Riley.
“Tell me more about the night. Was it ‘horrible’ because Riley was injured by…Spike? Or is there some other reason?” Tara probed.
Buffy’s eyes snapped up to her therapist’s. The ‘relationship’ between her and Spike was a subject she had studiously avoided in all her discussions so far with the doctor. Although she had mentioned him in passing, it was too painful to delve into that area. She wasn’t even really sure why it was so agonizing for her, but it didn’t really matter what the reason was. All that was important was that she didn’t believe she could risk the pain.
However, Tara’s non-judgmental, open expression kicked open the floodgates in Buffy’s heart and within seconds, she crumpled into a sobbing mess.
Tara handed Buffy a tissue and gazed at the shorter girl with pity in her eyes. “You can talk to me, Buffy,” she told her sympathetically. “I’m guessing there’s more with this Spike situation that you’ve told me.”
“I don’t know what to say. It hurts to talk about it.” Buffy dabbed at her eyes with the Kleenex. “Spike and I have a history. It started six years ago when I met him at a party. I was young, hopeful and I thought he was a good guy. But he deceived me, lied to me, and broke my trust. He made me believe that he wanted me and then he bashed my heart into bite-size chunks. Worse than the lies, he said some things about me on television that…hurt.”
“What things?”
“He called me names. Said I was an ice queen and other stuff,” Buffy muttered quietly, a tear running unheeded down her cheek. The pain of thinking about those comments was just as fresh today as it had been on the day it first happened.
“Do you believe that he was correct?”
Buffy stared down at her hands which were sitting primly in her lap. “Yes,” she choked out. “I think he was right. I think I am cold on the inside. I’m not sure that I even know how to love.” She sniffled pathetically and turned her eyes to Tara. “All of my life I’ve been this tool for other people to use or an idol for people to worship. But they don’t care about the real me.”
“I think maybe you need to start caring about the real you, Buffy,” suggested Tara. “Do you believe that Spike cares about the real you?”
“I don’t know. I think he thinks that he does but he doesn’t really know the real me.”
“Then why don’t you let him get to know the real you?”
“I wish it was that easy.”
“Perhaps you could contact him? Do you know where he is?”
“He was doing community service for punching Riley,” Buffy told her, a small giggle escaping her lips as she pictured Spike in a candy striper’s uniform or as part of a chain gang. However, the humor was tempered when she remembered that he was only doing the community service because he’d stepped in to defend her honor. Time had cooled her anger at his intervention and morphed into a kind of fuzzy gratitude. “Or so I heard anyway.”
“So you’re not in contact with Spike?” Tara asked, her face schooled into a blank expression.
“No, we haven’t seen each other since Riley-gate.”
“And is that a positive thing?”
Was it a positive thing?
It really should have been. She still felt betrayed by Spike, even after all these years. If there was one thing that no one could overestimate about Buffy, it was her ability to hold a grudge.
“Buffy?” Tara’s voice pulled the blonde back from her musings. “Is it a positive thing that you haven’t seen Spike?”
“It should be!” Buffy licked her lips, frustrated. “I should be happy that I haven’t seen him, right? I mean, I didn’t see him in like six years and I was doing just fine. Fine and dandy actually. In fact you might have called me the dandiest and you’d still be underestimating just how fine I was doing. I don’t need him because all he does is bring me pain. I’m so much better when I’m a Spikeless Buffy instead of a…a Spiked Buffy. He just…”
Tara tried to suppress her look of concern but Buffy caught it.
“Oh God!” sighed the actress. “Now I’m babbling like a crazy person, aren’t I?”
“Well, we don’t use the word crazy in here,” Tara reminded her, licking her lips worriedly. “But yes, yes you are.”
The two women smiled at each other, and Buffy sighed. She felt like a fruitcake with a capital fruit right now, and her therapist was experienced enough to pick up on her inner tumult.
“I think you have your own answer,” said Tara gently. “There’s a dichotomy between what you believe you should feel and what you actually feel. You need to stop allowing your fear of other’s perceptions to keep you from doing what you want to do.”
“I don’t know how. They all expect me to be perfect.”
“Buffy, one of your major problems is the pressure you put on yourself. Your stress levels are through the roof. You need to take a rest. You told me yourself during your first session that you almost had a total meltdown.”
“I’m already taking a semi-vacation,” Buffy pouted sullenly.
“Then it’s time to take the other half of the semi.”
“I don’t know,” Buffy frowned.
“Perhaps a trip home might help,” Tara suggested. “Sometimes getting back to our roots can help us figure out where we’re headed.”
Buffy nodded, thinking that maybe Tara was right. She could head back to Sunnydale for a few weeks and bask in her Mom’s comforting presence. It wasn’t often that she got to enjoy her mother’s company these days, so it would be a rare treat for her.
“Yeah, although I’m totally not going to think about Spike in Sunnydale. This will be a Spike-free vacation. No bad thoughts. It’s the best thing for me.”
Tara looked a little stricken at Buffy’s declaration. She knew that the younger blonde’s heart was somewhat closed to affection, but from what she’d heard about Spike, she didn’t believe he would be bad for Buffy at all. In fact, ignoring her feelings for the former porn star would only cause her more unhappiness in the long term, and also a possible stomach ulcer.
“There’s just something that I think might help you to think about, Buffy.” Tara met Buffy’s dewy green eyes with absolute seriousness. “Sometimes the good guys and the bad guys can’t always be taken at face value. Just because a person has some past skeletons in their closet doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of redemption. If you have feelings for someone, then you have to judge them on who they are now in the present. Their past is irrelevant, and their outward persona is irrelevant. What’s inside their heart is all that counts.”
“He’s still got the whole porn star tag printed on his forehead,” Buffy said sadly. “Even if I wanted to be with him, what would other people think?”
“Do other people really matter?”
“Uh…yeah.”
“Why, Buffy? Why would other people’s opinions determine your actions?”
Buffy crammed her palms between her knees and swallowed. “I don’t want them to not like me. I’m scared, Tara. I’m scared that if I do something to piss off the world them I’m gonna be just a washed up ex-somebody. I don’t know any other way of life than this.”
“Sometimes people will surprise you, Buffy. You may think that the public would condemn you if you had feelings for Spike. In actuality it could turn out to be the exact opposite.”
“But I don’t have feelings for Spike,” Buffy denied pointedly.
Tara didn’t miss the slight twitch in the corner of her left eye as she spoke the words. “Don’t you?”
Buffy sighed, putting her head in her hands. “I don’t know,” she finally admitted. “I know that I shouldn’t because it’s wrong. He’s treated me badly from the start but…there’s just something that pulls me back to him.”
“He did defend your honor,” Tara pointed out, looking up from the notepad in which she was scribbling notes from the session.
“He also spit all over my honor,” countered Buffy, immediately feeling defensive.
“That’s true, but you said he’s changed from the man he used to be? And like I said, the present is what matters, not the past.”
Buffy nodded reluctantly. “Yes, he’s changed but he’s still Spike.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
Buffy huffed out a wad of air that seemed to have balled up in her lungs. “Because he’s annoying, obnoxious, rude and…he’s a liar!” She said the last word with such gleeful triumph that Tara quirked an eyebrow in inquiry.
“Does that make you happy, Buffy? Do you want him to be a liar for some reason?”
“No!” Buffy denied hotly. “Maybe! I don’t know! Why don’t you tell me? You’re the goddamn shrink around here, not me!”
Tara shrugged nonchalantly. “I think you do want him to be a liar.” Buffy made to interrupt but Tara held up a hand. “You need to create a barrier between the two of you. If you can achieve that then it makes it easier to stay away from him. Accepting that he’s changed, or even that he’s trying to change and become a better man, is dangerous for you. It’s dangerous to the wall you’ve constructed around your heart.”
As much as Buffy tried to deny it to herself, it was impossible to totally repress her emotions for her former co-star when Tara was looking at her like that. Her new therapist was way too insightful and good at her job for Buffy’s liking. It would be so much easier if the other woman was a useless quack.
“Fine!” yelled Buffy, throwing her arms upward. “I do have feelings for Spike. Feelings of the warm and fuzzy kind. I had them from the very first moment I met him and I locked them away because he hurt me and I was mad at him. And because…”
“It’s okay to admit it, Buffy,” prompted Tara.
“Because…if I let myself, I could fall for him. Totally fall for him so hard that there’s no way back. I can’t lose myself like that, Tara.”
She slipped forward off of her chair and the older woman drew her into a hug, allowing her to sob out her pain.
She knew Tara was right. She was keeping the barrier high and steady but it petrified her to risk her heart.
Whenever she put her heart on the line it seemed to always end up crushed.
The fact was that it was terrifying to think about her feelings for Spike, but the man had defended her honor and he had been loyal and true to her, in spite of her obvious contempt for him. Maybe he really had changed. Maybe it was safer to let herself fall now.
Was it fair to keep being mad at him because of a remark he make about her years ago, or because he’d told her a grayish lie or two, or because he used to have sex for a living?
Okay maybe the last one was valid, but he’d changed, hadn’t he?
He’d gone straight, so to speak, and even received two accolades for his appearance on some daytime soap since the last time she crossed paths with him.
But it didn’t really matter now anyway. Even if she was willing to forgive him and look past his past, she’d already screwed up her chance. He was dust on the mists of time to her now.
It was too late. And there was nothing she could do to change that.
Sitting on her hotel room bed, Buffy contemplated her sessions with Tara. They’d been doing her a lot of good. At least, it seemed so. Each session seemed to improve her mood. She was finally figuring things out.
Especially about Spike.
For almost six years her feelings about Spike had proved to be a mire of confusion. Whenever she dared to step into that territory they tried to pull her down. But with Tara’s help she’d been able to work through them.
Her therapist was right when she told Buffy that her heart was a walled fortress, keeping Spike from cracking through. Out of all the men she’d ever dated, or come close to dating, Spike had managed to have the most profound effect on her. Every bad thing that he ever did was exaggerated a million times in her mind because otherwise he might just burrow through to her core and then…
Then she might truly fall in love with him which would give him the opportunity to really hurt her.
A heavy knock on the door brought her out of her thoughts.
“Come in,” she called smiling at Giles as he entered tentatively.
“Buffy, how are you, my dear?” he asked cautiously. He was getting used to being cautious around Buffy these days. He never knew if he’d get upbeat-Buffy, horribly depressed-Buffy or slightly unhinged-Buffy.
“I’m okay Giles. You can unclench.” She smiled wryly and beckoned for him to take a seat on the end of the bed.
“I’m glad to hear it. I actually have a reason for being here. I have a script for you to read, if you’d like,” Giles said gently. The girl had been so fragile lately that he didn’t want to do anything to set her off.
“Hmm?”
“It’s a good television prospect for you. A steady job would allow you to settle down perhaps. Don’t you want that?”
Did she want that?
For so long she’d lived out of a suitcase flitting from one hotel to another. It was the lifestyle she’d gotten used to and the thought of being tied to one place was damn scary.
“I’ll give you some time to think it over,” Giles told her, seeing that he wasn’t going to garner a response from her right now. “You might be interested to know that Miss Keyes is also reading for a part on this show. You got along quite well with her on Murder Most Strange didn’t you?”
Buffy nodded. In the short time she’d known the younger brunette, the girl had become the closest thing she’d had to a friend in…well ever.
“Yeah, she’s a good kid, but Giles, I’m not sure I can think about any of this right now,” she said quietly. “Working takes commitment and I can’t do that right now.”
“Buffy what are you saying?”
Without looking at him she made a decision. “I need to take a break. Away from this city, away from the limelight, away from…” Spike.
Of course she left his name unspoken but it still echoed inside of her mind. No matter how much she tried not to think of him, this city was saturated with memories of every step of their pseudo relationship.
“Well whatever you think is best, Buffy,” agreed Giles.
Buffy didn’t know what was best.
She just hoped she would find out soon.