Dawn had left before they could even say her name in recognition. Spike had jumped out of the bed and called after her and she’d paused on the landing, not because of his voice, just to collect herself. As he was gathering up his clothes from the floor they both heard her run downstairs. The front door creaked open and banged shut.
Buffy was still laid in bed when Spike told her impatiently to get up. The next minute she was panicking to pull on her jeans and find her bra as he huffed behind her, making her anything but calm.
“Is my dad home?” he asked, suddenly pausing, one leg in the denim he’d been wearing earlier.
Buffy shook her head and he nodded and got back on with dressing.
It wasn’t strange for Giles not to be accounted for at this time. His routine usually consisted of staggering home at 12am when the bars kicked him out or cut him off, and it was only 11. They’d find him the next morning sleeping it off, but he’d make his way to his office soon after everyone woke and continue to drink in there until midday when he went to buy more drink, or straight to the ‘pub’ ready for the day to begin again.
“We have to talk to her.” Spike said shaking his head as he fastened his jeans up haphazardly.
Buffy paused, half naked, staring into space, “What are we going to say?”
Spike pulled his t-shirt over his head and strode up to her. He grabbed her arms and shook her a little, hoping she would pull herself together. “I know this isn’t the way we would ever want her to find out, but she knows about us now…we can’t undo it. All we can do is tell her everything, so she understands, so she doesn’t think we’re…”
He didn’t need to say any more, she nodded. Buffy understood, she just couldn’t comprehend.
He turned away from her, spotting a jumper of hers on the floor he picked it up and threw it at her. It hadn’t been what she was wearing and it didn’t even fit her properly, but it’d have to do. He ran down the stairs, pulling one boot on as he opened the door, pulling on the other after he’d already stepped outside.
She was still in the bedroom thumbing the jumper between her fingertips, staring at the holes in the mesh.
“What’s wrong, Buffy? Come on!” he shouted behind him, too frustrated to wait for her.
Buffy pulled the wool over her head and followed the way he’d gone dumbly, catching the railing of the stairs and pausing for a moment before she went all the way down.
And she stood still, staring into the night not wanting to follow where her brother and sister had gone running.
She had been so selfish, they had been so selfish. She was under no illusion how wonderful Spike was, how she knew for sure that they were meant to be together, but right now it was time to think about everyone else. They weren’t the whole world; there was a world outside of them that had picked their roles. And no matter how unique and beautiful their love was, they were born to be family. How dare they choose to have what they wanted at the cost of everyone else’s happiness?
Telling people, it’s why they’d come, and she’d made up with Spike knowing that’s what he still wanted to do, and what she’d have to do to keep him. It was a sacrifice she was willing to make for him, but now she saw it wasn’t only her sacrifice to make.
Sure it might lose her the love and respect of her family and people in the neighbourhood might stare and whisper, but some would say she deserved it, that was her choice. But what had Dawn and Giles done to deserve any of it? She had chosen this; she had been prepared for any backlash. But seeing Dawn’s face, Buffy realised that no one had prepared her sister.
Dawn had realised immediately that going into Buffy’s room was a bad idea when she heard the noises and saw the movements, ‘always knock in future’ she decided. But her next thought was something like, ‘How sick is that?’ then, ‘Why didn’t Spike use his own room if he wanted to get some slut into bed? Wasn’t it perverse?’ Then he’d pressed his face into said slut’s neck and she was clear for the first time.
She wanted to heave; she actually wanted to puke her guts up, as if the memories would be purged at the same time. It was cold and dark outside, she hadn’t got a coat, but she heard her brother’s barrelling footsteps not too far behind her and she picked up her pace. Being cold was better than facing either of them right now.
Before she knew it she had circled around, she was on her own street again. Too angry to look where she had been going and now she was trapped, he was behind her, and the scene of the crime in front.
She carried on having no other choice, but when she reached their yard she saw Buffy in the doorway of their house. The jumper she wore was old and tattered, it was pulled so much that it was too big for her and she looked like a child caught wearing a grownup’s clothes without permission. It annoyed Dawn that she could look so guilty, but still dare to stand in front of her.
“Dawnie, I’m so sorry.” she whispered.
Dawn exploded, “Don’t say a word to me!”
Buffy shifted in the doorway uncomfortably, having nothing else to say.
Spike jogged up behind them a minute later, the silence was deafening. He tried to assess what had been said, but he didn’t rely on Buffy to have saved the situation, she was in no state to. “Bit,” he tried, “please listen to us…”
“No!” she screamed, “I don’t wanna hear it, and believe me I did not want to see it!” she folded her arms across her chest.
“Look, pet. It’s not what you think.” he insisted.
She huffed, “So I didn’t just see my sister and brother doing it?!” She was shaking with anger and there were still tears in her eyes.
Spike didn’t know what to say for a moment, it was hard to get Dawn to listen at the best of times; he would have to try though. “We’re in love.” he said, cutting straight to the point.
Dawn laughed harshly.
“Its true.” he said, “Tell her, Buffy.”
Dawn turned, and Buffy nodded meekly. She wondered if she could actually physically speak anymore, so did Spike.
Dawn spun around and raised an eyebrow at Spike, “So our mom dies and suddenly you two are in love?”
He shook his head, “No, it happened a long time ago, while we were in New York. It’s the reason we came back in the first place, to tell you…”
She turned from him to Buffy again and looked at her questioningly. Buffy hung her head to escape the culpability and avoided Dawn’s gaze.
“You didn’t tell me, I found out.” Dawn said numbly.
“But we were going to, and then…” Spike stopped.
He started again, “I know this is a lot for you to take in, and I know I’m your brother and Buffy is your sister, but she isn’t my sister.”
Dawn’s head whipped up to him, briefly thinking it was so appalling to say that, and then she realised why he’d said it. She felt sick again, he was trying to justify the whole thing.
Her expression turned sour, but he held firm.
“She isn’t.” he said unwavering.
Dawn tried to think it all through, but her thoughts were a jumble. Her stomach wanted to be sick and her brain wanted to switch off completely so it could stop thinking about it.
“We all miss Joyce, but this isn’t about that.” Spike said, making it worse.
Dawn welled up at thoughts of her mother, and any chance of her accepting this and listening to their side of things disappeared.
She turned to Buffy once more, sister to sister and said, “Mom would be ashamed of you.”
Tears pricked at Buffy’s eyes, because she knew it was true. She’d hoped against hope that one day her mother would have come to terms with it all, but in her heart she knew her first reaction would have been one as bad as this.
Dawn turned back to Spike, “Don’t follow me.” she demanded, “I’m going to Janice’s; she said I could stay over whenever I wanted. I’m going and I’ll come back whenever the hell I want. You two will not bother me there.”
With that she turned and left. Spike didn’t stop her; he couldn’t even try when he saw Buffy’s face. She wasn’t just hurt by what Dawn had said he could tell she believed it too. As the cold bit into him he felt utterly alone.
His eyes appealed to her, just like they had with Giles’s words, to sort truth from angry accusation, but his silent pleas were lost. Sombrely she turned her back on him and walked inside.