Spike had woken early, he couldn’t face being there when Buffy got up and he imagined she felt the same. He took the stairs gently, not wanting to wake her, or his father who he found as usual slumped over the couch. As set as he was on getting out of here for the day he still automatically did what he or Buffy did every morning if they found him there, walked towards the chest in the front room, opened it, and took out the old blue woollen blanket. He walked towards Giles, feeling a pang not only from the smell that assaulted him, but also from the sight. His dad, someone he’d always admired was laid in such a pitiful way it reminded him all too well that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He knew this thing from the other side, he knew not only did Giles look uncomfortable, with his arm bent awkwardly back and his head stuffed suffocatingly in the crease of the cushion, but that he was truly uncomfortable. In fact comfort hadn’t entered into the drunk’s mind, nothing had, he’d fallen where his body had finally given out and that was all. He remembered all the times he’d been like this, but the only time it’d ever become his life like it had his father’s was when Buffy and him had split the first time.
He looked towards the stairs when he thought of her. He knew she wouldn’t come down if she thought he was here, so he’d have to make himself scarce. He wasn’t naïve, she wouldn’t have changed her mind since last night and part of him didn’t blame her. What he’d done was a jerk move. He didn’t mean to make her choose between him and Dawn, but after the words had slipped out, he knew that deep down that’s what his bruised ego wanted.
He wanted Buffy to run away back home with him, where no one would judge them or come between them, but that wasn’t her way.
He knew he had to stop running, but he still planned to leave at the end of the week; calling the band hadn’t been a mistake. He didn’t know if she would understand why he had to go, but he did. Every day here would be painful for both of them. He knew she might see it like running, but it wasn’t. He had made commitments to the guys, he had a life in New York, and staying here would be living in a bubble. That’s what Buffy needed right now, but they weren’t together and he couldn’t stay here for her and let his own life fall by the wayside if that was the case.
As he left he thought that in a perfect world he could go up to her and apologise, but he didn’t see that helping. He could say he wanted her back, that he was sorry for what he’d done, she could say the same. But it didn’t change the fact that Buffy didn’t want to be with him right now, or that he was wounded by that. It didn’t stop him wanting to go home and knowing she wasn’t ready. It didn’t stop him feeling angry at Dawn, and knowing all Buffy felt was guilty. They were in such different places he didn’t see this being solved by an ‘I’m sorry’ or even an ‘I love you.’
As he walked around the town he’d grown up in he saw it hadn’t changed much, but he had, and so had Buffy since they were last here. It was easy to imagine leaving this place, it didn’t feel so much like home, but Buffy was his home, and it hurt to imagine leaving her.
He tried to think about how his life had been with Drusilla; he’d been happy, right? But something had always been off. They had been in love and she was a great girlfriend, but he and Buffy were two pieces of the same thing, and he knew he’d never had that before with anyone.
It didn’t seem likely after having something so perfect that he would ever find it again, but he hoped one day they would mend. That didn’t seem likely either right now, but it was all he could cling onto. He felt like if he made things right with Dawn and his father he would feel better about that, but he only had a few days.
When the doorbell rang Buffy tensed, then she remembered she was expecting someone, ergo she had to answer it whether she liked it or not. When the wood sprang open she saw Janice’s mom stood on her doorstep, “Hello, Buffy.” she said softly.
“Hi, Mrs Penshaw. Come in.”
The woman all too close to her mother’s age smiled carefully, wanting to seem happy to see Buffy after a long time, but also not wanting to be overly merry given why she was here. Dawn had mentioned that Janice called her the “Mominator” and she could see why. She was almost robotic in her social approach. She never made a single mistake; strict with her own behaviour she could imagine she was with Janice’s too. Maybe she could give her some tips; after all it seemed Dawn liked this woman a hell of a lot more than her right now.
“You must call me by my first name, Buffy. I insist.” she said sliding into the hall.
That wasn’t going to happen; Buffy wasn’t one of the mothers. She was the same age as Janice’s sister, though she’d never met her, so it would be too weird. ‘Mrs Penshaw’ would have to do.
She’d called earlier to let Buffy know Dawn was at her house, and apologised for not calling the night before. Apparently Dawn had begged her not to, and she was in such a state she couldn’t get her to agree to anything without promising that. Of course she’d called first thing this morning, “I know what it’s like when they don’t come home.” she’d said. That was considerate, Buffy tried to remember, but after that is when she’d overstepped the mark.
She’d told Buffy it was probably best if Dawn stayed with her for a little while. She’d then gone on to talk about how everyone in Buffy’s family must be struggling right now, but Buffy knew what she was implying, that they were all too busy to care about Dawn. That wasn’t the case, but what she said after Buffy couldn’t argue with, Dawn had said she didn’t feel wanted at home.
Buffy’s heart clenched. She’d tried to come up with a reason that Dawn couldn’t stay, but part of her knew Dawn needed her space and a larger part knew she couldn’t face her yet. So maybe it was true, maybe she didn’t want Dawn here. After thinking that she felt awful, right to the core. This woman could see she wasn’t doing right by Dawn, and apparently she could make her feel wanted. That’s when she’d reluctantly agreed to let her come and pick up a few of Dawn’s things.
“What brought all this on do you think?” Mrs Penshaw asked as she followed Buffy into the dining room. “She seemed to be doing better.”
“I don’t know.” Buffy lied, “It probably just all got on top of her.”
They sat down at the table and Janice’s mom nodded to herself, “It can happen that way I suppose.” she said sadly. Then she seemed to think awhile and the reasons behind it came back to her. She grabbed Buffy hands in hers, “I’m so sorry again.”
Buffy forced a smile and nodded, it wasn’t as hard to do anymore. She’d had her practice and in her own way she’d started to accept and deal with it, which was why this thing with Dawn hurt so much; they’d all finally been doing better, apart from Giles of course.
Panic flushed through her at the thought of him coming in right now. The last thing they needed was the neighbourhood finding out their father was a drunk. Maybe it was best Dawn was out of all that, maybe it was also best if this woman left sooner rather than later.
At these thoughts and the worry that Janice’s mom would see right through her if they talked and she had to make up a more detailed lie about why Dawn didn’t want to come home she stood, “I’ll go fetch you the bag I made up for Dawn.” Then Buffy remembered her manners, “Unless you want to stay for a coffee?” She silently wished this woman had a busier life than she did.
“No.” she smiled warmly, “I’ll get out of your hair. I need to drop the bag with Dawn and then leave the girls to it while I go on a few errands.”
Buffy fetched the bag from upstairs, saw the woman out, and they exchanged a few more pleasantries before she finally left.
When she was gone Buffy turned around and collapsed against the back of the door. Part of her felt a little relieved Dawn was gone, it gave her room to breathe and room to think. She hated imagining how Dawn felt, but she couldn’t undo it, and until she came home nothing would be resolved. She also knew that she couldn’t force her to come home and there was no point wallowing over her own guilt until she did.
What’s done was done, and all she could do now was pull herself together so that when Dawn did come home she could be there for her like she should have been all along. She couldn’t do anything else.
As for Spike, she couldn’t even comprehend what to do. They hadn’t spoken since last night, she hadn’t even seen him, and her chest ached at the thought. She’d hurt him, she knew she had, but he’d hurt her right back.
What she needed right now was a partner, someone who would help her through this.
She didn’t need ultimatums, she didn’t need egos.
It was the most painful thing she’d ever done, and probably the worst thing she’d ever said to someone, but right now Dawn had no one real. Sure Janice was there for her, and apparently her mother too, but they weren’t her family and one day Dawn would realise that and she would feel alone. Buffy had made a hard choice, so hard that given the choice again she wasn’t sure what she would do, but it was done.
She wanted so much to repair the rift with Spike. It felt like a piece of her was missing, and no matter where she turned she couldn’t find it. She wanted this feeling to stop more than anything.
But this feeling was her life now it seemed, and she had to be strong through the pain.