“I wish you didn’t have to go, son.” Giles said softly. His head still hurt him; he hadn’t slept at all, but he also hadn’t drunk a drop since yesterday. Both were the cause of his headache, but he only cared about one of them. He tried to swallow in his dry mouth and licked his lips. They’d been sat here a long time.
Spike sighed, “Its just time…”
“I understand,” Giles interrupted, “I’m just sorry that you’re leaving, and that I don’t get to make it up to you before you go.”
Spike couldn’t have asked any more from his father that morning. He hadn’t expected Giles to pay any notice to the note he had left him the night before, never mind come and find him out himself. He’d highly expected to have to scour the town bars all afternoon, but as soon as his clock hit 8am there was a knock on his bedroom door and his father had been stood there, on edge and shaking slightly, but ready to talk.
He’d first forced him to take a shower, because despite the fact Giles had told him he hadn’t touched a drop since dinnertime he still reeked of the stuff. To be honest he didn’t look too much better now, ever after a shower and a shave, but at least he didn’t smell like a brewery. His eyes were red and sunken in, his voice kept wobbling and he couldn’t stop wringing his hands together, but as Giles sat both Spike and Buffy down and apologised to them they saw he was more himself than he’d been in a long time.
Spike put up his hands in protest. “Dad, you don’t have to worry about that. You admitted you have a problem and that’s the hardest part they say.” He then reached for his father’s arm and squeezed it when he said, “Now we can get you some help...But none of this is your fault…you lost your wife.”
Giles opened his mouth, but his throat caught for a minute and his eyes filled with tears. He blinked them away. “That’s no excuse.” he said honestly, “I’m so sorry, to both of you, but you’re wrong, William. I have a lot of making up to do, and this is my fault. Please believe that I’m ready to do whatever it is I need to to make things right.”
“I’ll help you find someone to talk to dad.” Spike said sincerely, “You’re not alone in this, and I don’t mean that just because I’m gonna help you. I mean I’m just as messed up as you are and I’ve needed to see a counsellor before.”
“I…I had no idea.” his father stammered.
“Only Buffy knows.” Spike confessed, “I had some problems in New York, before this. I started seeing someone then, but I’ve been keeping my appointments by phone since I’ve been here…and I’ve been talking about Joyce a lot with her, and…it helps a little.”
Buffy sat there numbly; she felt like she was intruding on a private moment even though it was her mother that had brought them all here.
“I’ve been so selfish,” said Giles, “I haven’t given you two a second thought, how you’ve both been dealing with this...” He trailed off and began again, “I’ll never be able to put that right, to get that time back, but I can make a fresh start; that’s all I can think to do.”
Buffy felt lost. If Giles was really back on track, what would be her place here from now on? Where would she fit in? She did know about Spike’s counsellor, but she’d never gone with him when he’d been to see her in New York, and she’d never heard him on the phone to her. It’d always been something he wanted to do by himself, and Giles and him were so alike.
Giles looked over and saw Buffy lost in thought. “Buffy?”
“I’m sorry,” she said still confused, “I just…”
“I know this is a lot I’m asking of you,” Giles thought out loud, “but I hope you’ll learn to trust me again, because I’m going to need you both.”
Buffy was bewildered, “What do you mean?”
“I can’t do this alone, Buffy.” he said pleadingly, “If I’m going to beat this thing I’m going to need a support system. I might seem fine now,” he said mopping his brow and the sweat collecting there, “but I already want another drink and it’s only been one night. I know I don’t deserve it, but I really need all your help in this,” he looked over at Spike then, “or as much as you can give.”
“I’ll be a plane ride away,” he said reaching for his father’s hands and cupping them with his, “whenever you need me, just say.”
Giles nodded his head, and then looked back to Buffy.
“Of course.” she said blankly.
She wasn’t sure what kind of help she could be, she hadn’t been much use for anything recently, but she would try if Giles needed her. Giles was a good man, and before he’d drunk he’d been a good father. Even so she didn’t know if she could ever trust him enough to leave Dawn in his hands. She knew that was hypocritical, because she had messed up with Dawn just as badly, just as irreversibly as he had, but she still felt that way.
“I don’t know how I’m going to make this up to Dawn.” Giles said, almost echoing her thoughts.
“She didn’t leave because of you.” Spike said, hearing and understanding the other fear that lay subtly under Giles’ confession.
“If it wasn’t me, then why did she go?” he asked desperately.
Spike glanced at Buffy quickly and saw the panic on her face; seamlessly he turned to his father and shook his head, “We don’t know, but it wasn’t that.”
When Spike was sure Giles had gotten lost in his own thoughts he looked back across at Buffy; she turned her head away, not able to look him in the eyes. Of all the things Spike had done that were bad, he had never lied to Giles’ face before.
Buffy was in the kitchen making herself some lunch when the phone rang. She picked it up and said hello.
The unsure voice came out quietly, “Hey.”
“Dawn?” Buffy was surprised, she couldn’t hide the fact. She figured it was no coincidence that the machine had picked up the call from her the day before, rather that she’d called when she knew everyone would be in bed still. She hadn’t expected to talk to her until she turned up home.
“Erm, hi.” Dawn said uneasily.
“Are you okay?” Buffy asked.
“I guess.” came a short reply.
Buffy fought the urge to remind Dawn it had been her who had called, and just waited for her to speak in her own time.
“I just wanted to check in.” she huffed, “I…You must be pretty worried by now.”
“That’s…” Buffy stopped for a moment. “Thank you.” she said, still surprised that Dawn could be thoughtful even with everything she must be feeling, she’d obviously underestimated her.
“I’m not the inconsiderate one here, Buffy.” Dawn said bluntly almost reading her thoughts again and reminding her of their situation.
Buffy couldn’t disagree with that, she knew however Spike would have. He couldn’t hide from her that he was still angry at Dawn; the very mention of her name upset him even though he tried not to let it show.
Buffy took a deep breath, “Are you ready to come home?”
“I’m not sure yet.” she said honestly.
Buffy thought carefully before speaking, “You said you were on the phone yesterday.”
“I know…I…” Dawn trailed off once again, “I had a rethink.”
Buffy started winding the phone cord around her fingers tensely. She knew what she had to say next wouldn’t earn her any favours with Dawn, in fact it could do a lot of damage, but it had to be said. “Well, ready or not…you sort of might have to.”
Dawn sighed, “Buffy, you have to stop telling me what to do.”
“It’s not like that,” she stressed softly, “its Spike.”
“What about him?” There was an edge to Dawn’s question; she didn’t particularly want to hear Buffy talk about Spike, but she recognised the serious tone to her sister’s voice and part of her knew she wouldn’t be bringing him up if it wasn’t important.
Buffy sighed, thinking it over in her head she couldn’t come up with a nice way to say it, “He’s leaving.”
“What?” Dawn croaked.
Buffy didn’t repeat herself; she knew she couldn’t say the words again. She also knew she couldn’t explain why he was going, and hoped Dawn wouldn’t ask her to.
“Dawn,” she begged. “Come home.”
Dawn didn’t miss a beat this time, “I’ll be there tonight.”
“Thank you.”
“This doesn’t change things.” she said before hanging up.
Spike had taken Giles to the hospital and left Buffy to her own devices most of the day; he figured it was the least he could do to get him some options and start the ball rolling for them all, seen as Buffy might have to be the one to keep an eye on his progress for the first few months at least. He hoped he’d make it back soon, even if he could only stay a day at a time. But he didn’t want to make any promises that he couldn’t keep, so he hadn’t shared his plan with anyone else.
He hadn’t felt guilty about leaving until now, now he knew the reality of Giles’ recovery, how hard it would be on both him and the people around him. He was torn, and if anything he was swaying more towards staying now, but he knew if he didn’t go there would never be another chance for the band, and the band wasn’t just his life. He owed the guys a lot for taking a chance on him when he’d been such a mess in New York; they’d waited for him long enough.
He wished he could make it up to Buffy somehow; he wished she was talking to him, because he knew even if he went, finished the album in record time and made it back to fix his family, his life would still be miserable without her.
However something in him hesitated to approach her, fearing she didn’t really feel the same. He wanted so much for her to love him the way he loved her, but deep down he had always doubted her feelings matched his. It wasn’t a slight against her, if anything he knew it was probably more to do with him and his lack of self worth, but there it was.
His mind ran through all the things she’d ever said to him, all the feelings she’d ever shared. He remembered when they’d made up all those months ago in New York, and how she’d told him no matter what happened in her life nothing could make her happy apart from him.
He was a damn fool.
Dawn was back. He’d heard her come home a few minutes ago; she’d had a short mumbled conversation with Buffy and he hadn’t wanted to interrupt. He also didn’t know what to say to her, but at the end of the day she was his little sister. He crossed from his room to take the stairs down and talk to her, but the subject matter stopped him on the landing and instead he just listened closely.
“When’s he leaving?” Dawn asked.
“Tomorrow.” Buffy said sadly.
His heart ached.
“Right.” Dawn said, “Then I’m going to bed. I’ll talk to him in the morning.”
“Please, Dawn.” Buffy begged, “I thought we could talk.”
“Not now,” she said, but it wasn’t harsh or snotty, it echoed Buffy’s pleading. “I just can’t right now.” She finished and half turned.
“I’ll make it up to you, Dawn.” Buffy promised. “Whatever it takes. You’re the most important person in my life now.”
Spike flinched, he knew it was the jealous guy in him, but he couldn’t help it, that had stung.
“Thank you.” Dawn said. Turning back into the hall she took the stairs up to the first floor, there was no sign of Spike when she got to the top.