She started with an easy question, though after she’d asked it she still feared even that answer wouldn’t be the one she wanted, “What are you doing back?”
His expression gave nothing away, but his reply was honest and to the point, “I realised I’d broken a promise to you.”
“Which one?” she said almost snidely.
He ignored her tone, “I told you a long time ago that I wouldn’t leave you again, unless you asked me to.”
She hadn’t expected that. “Oh.” she said. It was dumb, but that’s all she could think to say. He had made her a lot of promises, but that had been the most important one and he understood that, she suddenly regretted the way she’d talked to him just then.
“I’m sorry for that, luv.” he said before she could apologise herself, “I need to be there most of the time, but they’re recording drums this weekend and that’s the one thing we all agree on most of the time, so I could afford to leave it to Oz to manage. I want to fly back whenever I can to see you.”
Buffy couldn’t breathe; why did he have to be so thoughtful when she was trying to think practically? She knew that’s what he was doing, because she knew he was lying. Even if everyone agreed on something he hated giving up creative control; it wasn’t that he was the final say on everything, or that he bossed people around, but he hated not being involved in any decision no matter how small. Ever since the band had gotten back from England and started getting interest he made sure they decided everything together, and he never left anything up to chance or presumed anything would go well without the whole band there.
He continued, “Unless that’s not what you want.”
She looked over at him confused.
“I said, ‘unless you asked me to leave’.” he repeated to clarify his meaning.
She finally understood what he was saying; he’d made arrangements, plans to come back and be there for her, but if she wanted it he’d stay in New York to make things easier. It was the reverse of their last break-up; he was giving her all the control. The fact that last time he’d made all their decisions for her was one of the reasons she’d felt so helpless and lost, but suddenly she felt all those things anyway, and she didn’t want the power now she’d been handed it. She couldn’t blame him; he was only doing what she’d always wanted him to, and she knew in her heart she should make a decision, but right now all she felt was overwhelmed.
Suddenly she shivered.
“Are you cold?” he asked.
She nodded, she was. That simple feeling was easier to acknowledge in comparison to everything else he’d asked of her.
Without a beat he took of his jacket and walked behind her to hang it around her shoulders. A second later he was back to where he’d been, a safe distance in front of her.
Memories assaulted her of the first time he’d done this; round the corner from a club he’d given her his coat. It didn’t seem so long ago, or so removed from where they were now, but it was. She snuggled into its warmth and started to swing herself back and forth; she was sure the smell of him surrounding her was going to sway her decision, but she tried to be strong and remember everything she’d decided in the past week, every thought she’d had, every feeling, so she could be clear on what she wanted when she weighed them all against each other.
“I…” she swallowed; if it was too hard to say then she couldn’t really mean it. In that moment she felt clarity strike her. If it was right, whatever it was, it would happen. If it was what she wanted, she could ask for it; if he was what she wanted, she could tell him. It was that simple.
“I missed you,” he gasped. He looked up to the sky berating himself; he’d not wanted to sound so desperate when he confessed it, but he continued without looking down, “so much.”
She heard the truth behind his words, not only that, but she understood perfectly what he meant. He was here, that proved something to her, something that mattered and she knew that he would be here for her until she was ready to leave with or without him. He would be here for as long as she needed him, because he couldn’t be without her and he couldn’t abandon her again.
She knew what she wanted to say to him now.
“I don’t want you to leave, Spike.” she said, “I don’t want you to leave me.”
He was slightly taken aback by her confession, but he didn’t hesitate to reply, “I don’t want to leave you either, kitten.” That’s when his words started to fail him, “But I…”
“I know, Spike.” she said stopping him and also stopping the swing, “You have a life and its not here.”
He almost pleaded with her, but he sensed her reluctance. “You have a life in New York too, pet, you could still come with me.”
Buffy had thought about it, along with everything else over the last few days. She knew deep down it was what she wanted for herself. She wanted to go back to college, to finish that and go back to work for Sam and the paper if they’d still have her. But she also knew that she was needed here, and unlike Spike’s reason for leaving hers didn’t have to happen right now. She didn’t know if she was running from her dreams again or being an adult and realising that life was full of compromises. She could have it all, but maybe not yet, she had so much here still left unfinished. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” she whispered eventually, scared that it would upset him, but needing to tell him the truth.
Spike couldn’t help his face from falling and she saw it.
“I don’t mean I’m not ready for us.” she explained, “I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since you left, and I just can’t breath without you. I just don’t work when you’re not with me.”
He walked towards her and stopped to lean against the frame of the swings to her left, “I feel the same about you, luv.” His voice was low and almost haunting, but it filled her full of warmth.
She pulled his coat further around herself and looked away from him. “Good.” she said. Her lips almost hinted at a smile, but she knew they weren’t out of the woods yet. “No leaving each other then.” she finished.
She heard him sigh, and it blew a white smoke into the cold air beside her. “But I am going back tomorrow,” he said, “…and you’re not coming?” He made it a question at the last minute, hoping she’d changed her mind.
“I know I want to go back some day;” she answered sadly, “despite what you might be thinking I don’t want to give up everything and move back here forever…but I think I need to be here for Dawn, and for Giles, and I can’t help thinking that. I honestly don’t think I could be happy if I left here just now.”
He was rubbing the back of his neck as he searched for something to say, and that’s when she knew she’d gotten him right. He had been thinking about her and he’d expected her to say all this, but he wasn’t happy that she’d proved him right.
“We’re different, Spike.” she continued, “Its one of the reasons we work so well together, but it’s also one of the reasons we misunderstand each other all the time. You’re the type of person that needs to go and live your own life in order to be able to help others with theirs; you need to be with the band and here. And I’m the type of person that deals with one thing at a time; I can’t leave until everything is back on track.”
They didn’t say anything to each other for a while, the wind whistled past them a little; it was unusually chilly and Buffy took her hands off the chains and stuffed them in her trouser pockets.
She looked up at him and caught him staring at her.
“Do you think I’m selfish?” he asked, it wasn’t that he thought she was implying it, but he still wanted to know.
“I did,” she replied honestly, “at first when you told me you were leaving, but now I just think we’re different people, like I said. I’m trying to see your side and I think you want to stay here, but staying here will stifle you. If you live in New York you can come back here and help Giles when he needs you, you can have everything you want that way, I can’t. If I’m going to be here I need to really be here. I’ve thought about what you said, about us deciding what we want to do and I’m going to defer my last year.” He couldn’t help his disappointed expression, and it did hurt to see it, but she was positive she was doing the right thing so she continued, “Even if I did go back the rest of them have already started and my head wouldn’t be in the right place to catch up with them. I owe it to myself to wait until I’m ready, until I can really focus.”
He sighed again, he knew it made sense. “If it’s what you want, kitten, I can’t argue with it.”
She nodded. “For me I can wait,” she said, “I can put the family first as long as I have one thing to myself.”
When she looked across at him he was looking back, asking her silently.
“You.” she answered. “I think that’ll be enough for now.”
He sighed again, “I don’t mean this in a bad way, pet, but how are we going to work if I’m there and you’re here?”
Buffy swallowed hard, she knew nothing was set in stone, but she needed to believe this would happen. “We’ll make it work.” she said, “I want to be here most of the time, but I can come stay with you every now and again. You can move back into my apartment and I’ll come for a week or a few days to visit. You’ll be coming back here when you can to see Giles anyway so its not like we’ll never see each other…It’ll just be...an adjustment…We’ll make it work for us.”
He pushed away from the frame and came to stand directly in front of her.
“There’s one thing I need,” she said, “for this to work.”
“Anything, luv.”
“We need to be together on it this time.” Before he could speak she put a hand up to stop him, “I know what part I’ve played, Spike, and I’m going to do better. I’m going to listen and not assume, but I need you to do the same for me.”
“I promise, Buffy.” he said reaching down to cup her cheek, “I never want to lose you again.”
“Another thing.” she said standing up, “We have to tell them about us.”
Spike didn’t have to ask who she meant. The swing fell behind her into the air, thrashing to get away from its chains.
Buffy was serious, but she couldn’t help that Spike read the urgency in her tone as unwillingness, because it made her voice shake. However she was just anxious to get it over with before she lost her nerve.
“I’ll wait, Buffy.” he said breathlessly coming closer and holding her arms, “Until you’re ready, I’ll wait, luv.”
She shook her head, “I want to do this right, Spike. We shouldn’t have waited this long, we need to put things right. There’s been too much lying, too much hiding, from all of us. If we’re going to stick together we need to be honest with our family. I want to tell them tonight.”
“Tonight?” he repeated, almost alarmed.
“We can’t put it off any longer,” she said shaking her head, “and besides, what if we wait and something else happens and gets in the way. This whole thing has taught me one thing…”
“Life’s too short?”
“Exactly.”