Spike opened their front door and held it for Buffy as they walked in. She walked past him and as she did she looked up; he saw and smiled at her and she returned it openly. She lingered in the hall and waited for him to close the door behind them.
He walked up to her, and as he passed her this time he reached for her hand, taking it in his and walking forwards towards where he knew Dawn and Giles would still be, sat watching TV.
He squeezed her hand so although he was leading the way anxiously she knew he was still thinking of her, and she followed closely behind. She was still nervous and although she tried not to her heart sank a little as her mind filled with what might happen next. After only a few steps she stopped still again.
He noticed the tug on his wrist when she stopped and so he stopped too, and letting her hand drop he walked back to her.
“Are you okay?” he whispered with concern.
She nodded dumbly, but he wasn’t convinced by it in the slightest.
Spike looked behind his shoulder to check they couldn’t be seen and then he leaned forward and put his forehead to hers. He breathed in deeply and she did the same, but she was shaking a little.
“Buffy?” Giles’ voice shouted from the front room, “Spike?”
Buffy jumped, and that’s when Spike knew she needed another moment before they did this.
He pulled away, but reached his hand to cup her cheek so that when he turned his head from her she still felt his touch somewhere close. “We’ll be there in a minute.” he shouted back to his father.
Then before she could register what was happening he had grabbed her arm gently and pulled her along the hall with him to Giles’ office. It was never locked anymore so they slipped in quietly. He positioned her in the middle of the room, walked slowly to close the door, and then walked back.
The room was pitch black, but Buffy didn’t feel scared or alone, she felt like she could finally relax. Spike was close, but he wasn’t touching her, so she felt like she had space enough to breathe. The darkness felt like a cloak under which she could do or say anything, and she thought that maybe that was why Spike had made no move to turn on the light.
For a moment neither of them said anything; Spike knew he needed to give her a little more time and Buffy didn’t have anything to say. It wasn’t that Buffy wasn’t ready to make this step; she’d thought about it a lot and she knew it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t make it easy.
She didn’t have any reservations about her and Spike and she was pretty sure every one she could have had they’d discussed. She knew they’d both let each other down, but it wasn’t like either of them was blameless and at the same time it wasn’t as if either of them had no reason to act the way they did.
She’d gone through it all over the last few days and she didn’t even blame Spike for leaving. She could see why he‘d felt like he had no reason to stay, because his place was as her partner and she’d taken that away from him and left him feeling useless.
Buffy had always thought that their roles were set as brother and sister and they were deciding to go against them, but now she knew differently. They were meant to be in love just as much as her mother and Giles, and any other idea the two of them tried was forced and untrue. They may have met and fallen in love in a way that some people couldn’t accept, but they were still in love and that was just that. They were together, and she knew she couldn’t pretend any longer, it was draining her down to her very soul. The truth would have to come out in order for them to live the life they should already be living.
While Spike had been gone she’d been faced with the alternative, what it was like in a world where they not only weren’t together, but never could be. It was a life where they had to pretend that they’d never been, and nothing was real, or current, or even possible. In short it had been utterly unbearable and completely stifling. She hadn’t felt like herself, and that’s when she knew she had to get him back. If he hadn’t have come home she would have sought him out eventually, because without him was no way to live.
And that’s what she tried to focus on now; that really the hard option was living without Spike. If she didn’t want that then she was going to have to pull herself together and do this.
His voice drifted over to her, “We don’t have to tell them yet.”
And Buffy’s whole body felt calm and warm for a second, and she released it wasn’t because she was going to take him up on that offer, it was just an effect of the offer being made.
“That’s really sweet,” she said back, “but we do.”
Spike stroked her hair and she smiled, though he couldn’t see her. His hand slipped down and his thumb brushed her cheek. He felt the movement of her face when she went to speak, but she didn’t make a sound.
“What were you gonna say, pet?” he asked.
“I…” she hesitated, “What do you think they’ll say to us?”
“I don’t know.” he said honestly, “I hope my dad will understand; I was pretty sure he would, but...”
“I know,” she sighed, “everything’s different now.”
He rubbed her shoulders and she felt herself pick up a little.
She whispered into the dark. “I do love you, you know. I don’t want you to think all this waiting, all the things that got in the way meant that I didn’t.”
He laughed softly. “You had me worried,” he confessed, “but I love you too.”
He leaned down to her then; he caught her lips with his and kissed her. She felt her whole body tingle, this was long overdue. He closed the gap between them and for the first time in a long time their bodies pressed together intimately. She put up her palms to his chest, but not to push him away, just to feel him there solidly against her. She returned the kiss at each turn, and it soon became a little heated.
Spike pulled back before anything went too far, highly aware of all the other things they had to do before they reunited in that way.
“Are you ready now?” he asked, panting a little with restraint.
She nodded, but he couldn’t see.
“Buffy?”
“Yes.” she squeaked after realising her mistake a few seconds later.
He grabbed her hand again and led her out the door.
This was it. Whatever happened, they would take it on together.