She smiled at the thought of him, at the sight of him so deadly asleep, and at the ache in her thighs. Their reunion had been amazing and she still felt dizzy from it, but there was a clarity washing over her as she quickly left the room seeking out the thermostat.
After she’d turned it up again she already felt a little warmed just by the knowledge it would start working soon. She sat back on the bed, but didn’t get under the covers. While she was somewhat alone but still comfortable, knowing if she got upset she could wake him, she went back to that night in her memories; the night they’d told everyone.
When they’d sat down with Giles and Dawn that night words had failed her, just like she knew they would, but she also knew in her heart that Spike needed her to take the first step for a change. She summoned the courage, and luckily everyone kept quiet and allowed her some time. Dawn was trying, but her face was scrunched up, ready for the blow of finding out all over again, hoping she was wrong about what she knew was going to come out.
Buffy looked away from her and looked instead to Giles while she gathered her strength. His face was warm and open, like it had always been. There were extra lines on it; she didn’t know if that was from his age or because of her mother’s death, but either way in spite of them he still looked like the man she had always known, and the father she had always wanted.
She reached out next to her to grab Spike’s hand and he squeezed it back hard. Giles noticed the exchange and his face pulled into one of confusion. It was true he didn’t have the slightest clue what they were going to say, but he hadn’t expected to see that either.
Once she started speaking, she found it hard to stop, but Spike was there to fill the gaps of silence when they did occur, and to back her up. Buffy managed to make her tumbled up thoughts come out in some sort of order, her years of studying writing must have helped, and she would thank someone’s god after because one wrong word could have brought things down completely differently.
It hadn’t been perfect, but it hadn’t been a disaster either.
“How long?” Giles asked, standing almost expressionless.
“Since I went to stay with her in New York, a while after me and Dru broke up.” Spike answered plainly, but Buffy could hear the lump in his throat. It was nice to know that when it came to it he was scared too.
Giles pursed his lips for a second before speaking, “And when you were children…” he trailed off, unable to form the full question. He felt slightly queasy, he couldn’t help the fact, and he had to sit back down and stop the pacing he’d begun moments ago.
“Nothing happened before that.” Buffy insisted, managing to keep her voice level. “I swear. We’ve talked a lot about it, and to be honest we never felt like brother and sister, not on some level, but we never felt that way either, not until New York.”
Giles nodded, he didn’t know why, but that thought helped a little.
“New York’s when we fell in love.” Spike clarified, “Cause that’s what we are, Dad, we’re in love. We came back to tell you all, but then…”
Dawn was sat shaking her head. Buffy looked up at her waiting for her to comment, but she didn’t. When they locked eyes she silently understood and although she had planned to reveal that Dawn already knew about them she now understood it wasn’t her secret to share. Buffy wanted to take the responsibility for Dawn leaving from Giles who she knew still blamed himself for her moving to Janice’s, but Dawn didn’t want him to know.
“We know this will take some getting used to, and we don’t expect you to understand straight away,” Spike said drawing back everyone’s attention, “but we’re in love, and we’re happy, and we want to be together.”
“I think I need to lie down.” said Giles.
He made to leave the room and Spike stood up and grabbed his arm desperately. When Giles turned around he saw the pain and worry in his son’s eyes. He looked down and saw Buffy mirroring Spike’s gesture. She was still sat down, but her hand was gripping Spike’s arm just as desperately as his own arm was being gripped, and the worry was reflected in her eyes as if they shared everything.
He rubbed his brow and shook his head.
“Please, Dad.” Spike pleaded, “I need you to be okay with this. She’s the only thing that matters to me, and I can’t live without her.”
He knew it was a terrible thing to say, because beneath the words was the promise that he would be with her no matter what, and choose her over everything and everyone else. It was an unfair piece of knowledge to depart to his father when he was so vulnerable, but he had never felt right lying to him, and he was all too aware that he’d be leaving the next day for New York again.
Giles shook his head once more, “I just need some time to think.”
“I want this, Dad. I want to be happy.” Spike almost begged.
Giles looked hurt, “I want you to be happy too, but this is…” he stumbled for words, “It’s a lot…please, just let me sleep on it.”
Spike understood then, it was a lot to tell your father that you were seeing his step-daughter, it was a lot to tell your father who had just lost his wife, and it was a lot to tell your father who was a recovering alcoholic. He let Giles’s arm go, but couldn’t help sighing in relief when he turned to take the stairs and actually go to bed instead of slipping into his office as Spike had feared he might.
Dawn got up then and Buffy stopped her with a thank you.
“I can’t say I did it just for you.” she said referring to her keeping quiet, “Finding out about you guys might have been the catalyst for me leaving, but he wasn’t there for me either. If he had been I could have stayed. If I tell him how I found out, tell him why I really left, I don’t think he’ll get that.”
“You’re punishing him? With everything that’s…” Spike breathed.
“No.” she protested, “I just need him to understand, and if we tell him now he won’t. I know he feels it’s all his fault, but I don’t know for sure if telling him will make him feel better. The way he is right now if he hears it, he’ll just get angry or upset at you…when he’s better and he can deal we’ll tell him.”
“We just wanted to be honest with him.” Buffy defended.
“He’s my dad too,” she reminded them, “I don’t want to lie to him either, but I just don’t know what telling him will accomplish right now. Look, you told him all this because you needed to, well right now I need to not tell something, not until he’s better and not until I’m sure how to say it. I just don’t want us all to turn on each other. I need us to be a family.”
The next morning they had talked again and aired out a lot of it, but it was still early days. It was the best Buffy could have hoped for given all that they had been through. Things were rocky when the subject came up, but it was still new to everyone so she let it go. In between things were fine, and for the most part when it did get mentioned she saw on Giles’s face that he was trying. He just didn’t know what to say to her sometimes and she knew when he looked at her like that he was thinking of her mother and what she would say.
She stopped dwelling on the past, it only brought her pain at the moment, she had better hopes for the future; they all did.
Although this was only the first time she’d visited it was bound to bring up a lot of things, one of those things was the future. Realistically she knew it was going to be harder than either of them pretended, and at times they would feel like giving up. It wasn’t like they were on the other side of town, and it wasn’t like she could even hop on a bus and see him if she felt lonely. It would take strength, on both of their parts, and also strength in their relationship to get through.
But given those things Buffy dared to dream for the first time what could happen afterwards. When their family was healed, in whatever way it decided to heal, then she could come back here. She could start school again, she knew they’d have her, and if she couldn’t get a job at Sam’s paper she was sure Sam would give her a shining reference to work at someone else’s. Things weren’t as bleak as she’d always thought they had been; Spike too had a career to look forward to, though she knew that would be a roller coaster in itself.
Like watching an old home movie, she saw a silent video of their lives start playing. At first it was filled with hard work, late nights, peppered with tour buses and long distance phone calls and passionate reunions. Here and there she saw people, but her and Spike were always the main feature. She saw them curled up together on the couch, she saw herself in the front row of his concert, and she saw them reading the paper together the day of her first column. She saw them going home, Giles hugging them both and her mind ran away with her after that, skipping through a few more years, seeing things as clear as day as if they had already happened.
She didn’t know where it came from, but next she saw him bending down on one knee, and she saw their wedding day. She didn’t see cakes, or dresses, or flowers, but she saw the two of them holding hands and making a promise and that was all that mattered. She saw his smile the day their first child was born.
That thought came out of left field and knocked her off her reflection. She’d thought about children in passing, thought about getting married like most little girls do at some point, but she’d never thought about it in those terms, with someone real, someone laying right next to her. She’d never thought of her life in terms of those kinds of plans, especially in wanting those kinds of plans. It was overwhelming and scary, and she didn’t know if that was a good thing at first.
Her mother would have loved to have been a grandmother. More than that, she would have loved for Buffy to have her own family, to see her be loved, to maybe even have her own daughter.
She felt her eyes well up before she could control herself, and to start with the tears rolled out silently. At first it felt natural and healing, but then her body started shaking. She wasn’t sobbing, because the tears weren’t from the place that caused sobbing, and that’s when Buffy stopped. It was so crazy for someone her age to have experienced all the different kinds of tears enough to know where they came from.
She understood her tears, but she couldn’t stop them for long, not so much as she could stop a wave from breaking or a dam from bursting.
She didn’t mean them to, but her tears eventually woke him from his slumber. He blinked his eyes open tentatively at first, alluding to that time in the morning before you remember where you are and who you’re with and then he looked up and saw her. He sat up immediately and turned to her. His face was anxious and she felt guilty for that, but she couldn’t make her lips move to reassure him of anything.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked.
She smiled at that nickname, she didn’t know how many he had for her, but that one always surprised and warmed her.
His face didn’t change at her smile, because as soon as it had come it vanished and there were still tracks from her tears down each side of her face. He reached a hand up to cup her cheek and his thumb wiped at them idly, trying unconsciously to erase them. He waited for an answer.
She remembered then what he’d asked and reached her hand out to mirror his, holding his cheek, rough with stubble.
“Nothing.” she said, and for the first time she believed it might be true.