“Why are you still so upset about Dawn?” he finally asked her one night in her room. The tension was killing him and he needed to know. He knew damn well that’s what it was all about, but he just didn’t know why she felt that way.
“I did it; I got through to her, but I wouldn’t call it a success, would you?” she answered plainly as if he should already understand.
“I bloody would.” he said, “It’s a miracle getting through to Dawn at the best of times, and you two have been right as rain since, you should be proud.”
“I failed.” she said resigned to the fact.
She didn’t say anything for a long time, so Spike pushed her, “Kitten.” he begged, “Tell me.”
“I’m not good at this stuff.” she stressed, “It took me forever to get through to her, and all I needed was the right words; how emotionally stunted am I to not realise all I had to do was have a heart to heart with her? She was lashing out at me, she would have done anything to upset me, and I could have stopped it all weeks ago! Those people she was going around with…they could have…”
“But they didn’t.”
“No thanks to me!” she continued, “What about next time she has a problem, how long will it take me?”
“Next time will be better.” he assured her, “Next time you’ll know what to say, and you’ll know what to do, and if you don’t then me and my dad are here.”
“Maybe.”
He sighed, “Buffy, listen…”
“No. I get it.” She smiled to cover her doubts, sounding very far from getting it.
She was shutting him out again. He knew it, but she didn’t. It’s why he let her get away with it, because it was unconscious most of the time and she couldn’t help it. But no matter how unaware she was, it still stung him.
Silence overtook him then; he didn’t know what to say. He felt that tight feeling in his chest that came on every time he thought about losing her. That night they’d had the argument about Drusilla and everything that followed felt misty in his memory, but no matter how far away, it was always in the back corner of his mind reminding him how he almost lost her, and how much he owed her for hearing him out, for taking him back, for loving him through all his problems. If she could stay with him through that, he could be with her through this.
He really hoped he could.
And there was that pain again, higher now and burning, at the thought of things getting worse. He wanted to be here, but he didn’t know if she would let him. Things seemed to be getting worse not better and if she wouldn’t let him be here for her then he would in affect lose her anyway. He couldn’t imagine ever being without her again; it would be the worst kind of torment.
“I can’t do this on my own can I?” she said suddenly, wide eyed and stood firm.
“What do you mean, luv?” he asked confused, too busy with his own thoughts to understand hers at first.
“I’m trying to do it all on my own, and that’s why I’m failing.” A tear slipped down her face freely. Spike realised he hadn’t been the only one to reflect in the few minutes of silence they’d shared.
Buffy was overwhelmed by the realisation, but she felt she needed to voice it; she needed him to know she understood where she was going wrong. “I thought it was me being strong, but it was just me being foolish. You’ve been trying to help me, and maybe if I’d let you take on some of the responsibility then this would have been easier.”
Spike sighed, “I understand, Buffy, I understand why you didn’t, but I let Dawn down too, I’m as much to blame.”
She shook her head, “No. I remember, I remember all those times you tried to talk to her and I yelled over you. The Dawn thing was my fault in the first place. I was bossing her around instead of listening to her, and I made it clear to her you were on my side. So she couldn’t open up to you either. I basically let you help with the only thing I knew you couldn’t fix, and I think that’s why I did it, so when you failed I could justify not asking you again.”
Buffy walked over to the window and stared out of it distantly.
Spike came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, it was the first time in a long time she had allowed him to be tender with her without it being sexual and it felt nice. They stayed that way for a long time, not speaking and not taking things any further. She laid her head back on his chest and it felt so good.
After maybe 10 minutes she finally took a deep breath in, ready to move on. “I’m so sorry,” she sighed, “for everything.” She turned around and kissed him slowly. He returned the kiss with enthusiasm still a little confused, but it was Buffy that pulled away first because she had more to confess. “I know what I’ve been doing, Spike. I know I’ve been selfish.”
“Buffy its okay…”
“Its not.” she said harshly, “It is so not. Before, when I cut you off about Dawn, not okay. When I don’t listen to you when you’re just trying to be there for me, not okay.” she stressed.
Spike had now taken the good sense to be quiet and listen.
“I feel like I’m drowning, and I want to reach for you, because I know you’re my life saver…but I can’t. Something won’t let me, and I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want it ruining everything anymore.”
“Buffy you’re lost,” he defended, “trust me I know what that feels like. I was only a baby when my mum died, but it meant I grew up with this stuff. And everyone thinks that’s worse, that you can hold it together better when you’re older, but it’s never better. You’ve still gone through this awful thing, and when I did everyone was looking after me. Whereas you, you’ve been trying to be strong for everyone else. And sometimes you needed a crutch, sometimes you needed understanding, and sometimes you needed to put on a brave face so you needed me to leave you alone. No matter what you needed me for or what you did I always understood why you did it.”
“But I’ve treated you so badly, like you’re not my boyfriend or my family. I’ve been taking everything from you and pushing you away at the same time. I’ve been ashamed and guilty and sad about it, but I’ve done it anyway. Just because my mom died doesn’t give me free reign to be grand bitch of Sunnydale.”
“It sort of does.” he said lightly.
“Well you shouldn’t let me be.” She paused and pouted. “Not that I’m saying I am or anything.”
Spike couldn’t help but smile. He tried to bite it back as his hands began to stroke her arms encouragingly, “Buffy, it’s really okay. You know all I want from you is a crumb. As long as I know you still care I’ll be here no matter how you treat me.”
Buffy grimaced, “I don’t want that.”
“Then what do you want, luv?”
She thought hard about that for a minute and then answered him, “I want to be better for you. I want you to stay because you love me, the person I am, the things that I do. Not because you remember way back when I didn’t kick you like a dog.”
Spike shook his head, “I do love the person you are. The way you’ve been acting is not the person you are, it’s the person you’re trying to be to deal with what’s going on, the person you need to be right now to survive. I’ve been there, done that, and I get it.” He touched her hair softly. “Don’t ever think I don’t know the real you, Buffy, because I do.”
“I love you, Spike.” she said, emotions bubbling now, her skin on fire with the electricity of it all. “I will be better.”
He smiled at her, “I don’t want that, luv. I just want you to be happy.”
She felt warmth ripple through her.
The next thing she knew she’d grabbed him. She was hugging him with all her energy, what little she had left. She didn’t want to ever let him go; she didn’t want him to let her go. She could stay there forever, out of time, out of mind of everyone else and maybe be happy.
He hugged her tightly, he couldn’t express in words how relieved he was to hear her say these things, to acknowledge it all, so he just pulled her closer. He could smell the vanilla in her hair and suddenly she consumed his senses. He pulled away, just enough so he could turn his head to kiss her neck. It started off lightly and then her hand moved to slip into his hair and hold him to her.
As he moved his kisses lower to her shoulder, and back up to her ear her knees felt as if they would buckle beneath her. He stepped away to look at her, his eyes burning with desire, needing to show her how much he loved her, but asking for her permission to continue, because he didn’t want to overwhelm her.
His palm held her cheek as he stared into her eyes, taking in how lovely she looked. Even after all this time together, even after he’d seen her and took her in every way possible he was still in awe of her.
She leaned back into him, kissing him deeply; feeling alive as his hands grabbed her and pulled her nearer with urgency.
Her arms went up to wrap around his neck, he lifted her up and her legs came off the floor to cradle his hips.
They stumbled forwards, not looking where they were going until his shins hit the side of the bed.
They fell down onto the mattress with a squeak and she opened her legs to let him settle down between them.