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Author's Chapter Notes:
Previously: The other Spuffy are safe and sound back at the cabin, our Buffy snuck her way into the basement to get herself some Spike cuddles and Joyce noticed the lack of threats and insults.

Also, this chapter royally kicked my ass, okay? So it better not suck or I'll cry myself to sleep for an entire week.

Beta'd by All4Spike who is awesome and makes everything better.
Chapter 20

Christmas was over. Before they’d been zapped into the Bizarro Land, she’d have been ecstatic to have Spike out of her house at last. Would have thrown a party, probably. Now she was just sitting on the couch in the living room with a stone the size of a monster truck in her gut as she listened to Spike thank her mom for the hospitality and promise he’d stop by some time.

I’m not missing him already. It’s fine. It’s not like he could stay here forever.

The door closed.

Maybe it was better. They’d gotten too close. Like in the morning when he’d been deeply asleep. Half his face had been squished against the pillow, lips parted, too long eyelashes resting over his cheek. Her hand had lingered above his skin, not quite touching. In that moment all she’d wanted to do was kiss her way up his spine and nuzzle the nape of his neck, to breathe him in, imagining what it would be like to wake up next to him for the rest of her life.

He made her feel vulnerable and exposed, more than anyone ever had.

She stood up, feeling like eating something nice and cool and creamy with chocolate in it. Ben & Jerry’s would do.

There was a note pinned to the fridge by a little pineapple magnet; a note that she’d been ignoring for about five hours.

Riley called. Said to call him back when you can.

Maybe she should. She could start with hi there, this is Buffy, the world’s biggest coward. It had a nice, true ring to it. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with you.

She slammed the fridge door closed, deciding against ice-cream. Slaying was what she needed. A good kill. And if she happened to walk fast and catch up to Spike, then that would be nothing but a coincidence.

She raced up to her room to grab a couple of stakes and a dagger, yelling, “I’m going out on a quick patrol, don’t wait up,” to her mom, took the jacket off the hanger in the hallway, slipped into her shoes and was out before Mom could do more than call out, “Be careful!”

She spent two hours scouring empty cemeteries. Spike was nowhere to be found.

*******

When he woke up, the sun was still up, but he got up anyway. His booted toe knocked against the empty whiskey bottle on the floor and sent it scuttling away into the corner of the room.

That had been some night. What he could remember of it, at least.

He pinched the collar of his T-shirt and sniffed, grimacing. Blood, guts and spilled alcohol. Not his, except for the last one. Willy was probably brassed right off. Not that Spike cared.

At least he’d got to pass out instead of staring at the cobwebbed ceiling for hours, which would have happened had he had all his wits. He fucking missed her, all right? And he couldn’t even light a fag because his lighter was missing and he had a suspicion he knew who’d taken it.

As he shucked all his kit off and climbed into a makeshift shower in the lower level of his crypt, he told himself that missing her wasn’t a crime. Or maybe it was. He’d never been much to follow the Vampire Code of Ethics, if such a thing even existed.

Pretty sure wanting to shag a slayer would rank high in the chapter of no-nos.

If only that’s all he wanted. A shag. No, William the Bloody Sad Wanker wanted to strip her down and taste every revealed inch of skin, feel her tremble beneath his lips again and stroke all the places that made her blush. He wanted to drink her down and feel her gripping his hair before he rose up and surged into her, got lost in all that tight, wet heat with her eyes never leaving his, telling him without words I love you too. He wanted to hold her afterwards.

You can’t have that anymore. Not here. Not her love, not the right to hold her and kiss her whenever it strikes your fancy.

Maybe you can. Maybe she’ll want it too.

He plunged his head under the cold stream, wishing it would wash the spark of hope out of his chest. Hope had only ever gotten him a broken heart.

*******

“What’s up with you today?” Xander asked through his mouth full of half-chewed jelly donut. Charming. “Are you waiting for someone?”

“What?”

His eyebrow shot up as he nodded toward the front door of the empty Magic Box Giles had recently purchased. “You keep staring at the door.”

She did? Crap. “Nope. Just… hey, where is Anya anyway?”

Never let it be said that she wasn’t the queen of distraction. Or that Xander wasn’t easily distracted.

“She’s not really into the whole helping people out for free thing. She said she’d come by tomorrow though, if I…” He cut himself off, his entire face turning scarlet.

“I’d rather not know,” Buffy said dryly, consciously keeping herself from glancing at the door again. Spike wouldn’t be here anyway. He didn’t know she was here in the first place and even if he somehow found out, the sun was still up.

As if that’s stopped him from wandering around before.

“More cleaning up and less sitting,” Willow called out from the loft, frowning down at the two of them. “Tell them, Giles, wherever you are.”

Giles, who had been sitting behind the register with a teacup halfway to his pursed lips as he thumbed through a book, stood up so suddenly a drop of tea splashed over the rim and down on his sweater. “Yes! Yes, quite. Buffy, Xander, come on. No time to laze about.”

Buffy gave him a disappointed shake of her head, which he promptly chose to ignore.

“Since Giles is so hardworking and wise, he should show us how to sweep properly,” she said sweetly. “Nobody can sweep better than you, Giles.”

She fetched a broom and thrust it into his hand before he could make an excuse. “Let’s clean this place.”

When the little bells at the front door chimed and Buffy turned around, her heart plummeted right to the soles of her feet.

“Riley.”

While everyone else greeted him with enthusiasm, she accepted his hug with her arms held stiffly at her sides, too shocked to see him here in the first place to evade his kiss.

When his dry lips pressed against her, it was just… Shouldn’t she feel more? Something, at least? Why was it so hard to remember if she’d ever felt passion for him in the first place?

“You’re here.”

“Here I am,” he said, pulling away, a boyish smile on his face, and all she could think of was I’m going to break your heart. “Surprise.”

“Yeah. Yes, I’m… very. Surprised. You should have called.”

“I did,” he said, the smile sliding off his lips and she just felt guilty. Wished that she could be what he needed. “Yesterday. You, umm, you never called back.”

“Sorry.” She tried to smile. It didn’t fit right. “I was out and then it was late and I didn’t want to… you know, wake you up. Or your parents. I thought you’d be staying there longer.”

“That’s okay. I decided to cut it short because I… well, I’ve missed you. Now, I’m here, so,” he clapped his hands, a bit of his floppy hair falling onto his forehead, and she wished she could say she’d missed him too, “Joyce said you guys could use a hand?”

“Yes, thank you, Riley,” Giles said, ready and more than eager to hand over the broom. “Help would be most welcome.”

Buffy took Riley’s hand and pulled him along to the back room before Giles could shrug his workload off onto him. “We’ll be back in a minute.”

She wasn’t ready and her stomach felt as if it was full of fish flopping around, but she couldn’t just stand there and pretend that everything was all right. Couldn’t be that person who’d pull someone else’s strings as if they were a puppet dancing for her own amusement. Riley deserved better than that. He deserved someone who would love him the way he loved them. And that wasn’t her. She didn’t think it ever had been, no matter how hard she’d tried to convince herself.

“What are you—”

“Riley, we need to talk.”

His face turned serious and even though there was still a note of confusion in the crease between his brows, she thought maybe he already knows.

*******

The last time Spike had been in the Magic Box, he, Buffy and his poofter of a grand sire had demolished it pretty well. A lot had changed since then. Except for Angel.

He was still a poofter.

“Nice place you’ve got here, Watcher. I wonder if you’ll last longer than the last owner?” he said after he dashed in and shrugged the smoking blanket off his shoulders.

Harris squeaked and jumped up. Spike grinned. So easy to scare, that one.

“Thank you, Spike,” Giles said, “for that helpful remark. Is there a purpose to your, ehm, visit?”

“Yeah, what are you doing here, Dead Boy Junior?”

“Looking for Buffy. Might have some info for her.” Not really, but they didn’t need to know that.

Harris shrugged. “Afraid we’re out of cash, so—”

“Just tell me where she is,” Spike said with a sigh. “’M not here for your sorry dosh.”

“If this information you claim to have is important, you might as well tell us then,” Watcher said.

“I’m not telling the tale twice,” he said, sniffing haughtily, thinking I should have just waited until sunset and found her during patrol. The lack of patience would be his downfall one of these days.

“She’s busy macking on Riley somewhere in the back, so I don’t think she’s too interested in what you have to say right now.”

Harris kept talking and talking, but it all turned into white noise in Spike’s head. He could smell him now, that offensive stench of Old Spice and Initiative. But she wouldn’t. She said she wasn’t… that she wasn’t in love with him.

She’s not in love with you either, now, is she?

He fumbled for the blanket, dropped it once before he managed to get it over his shoulders again, that horrible, terrible doubt gnawing at him from the inside, spreading like wildfire. What if she’d decided she’d be better off trying to make it work with Soldier Boy? If she finally saw that getting it on with a soulless vampire broke all the rules even she wasn’t willing to break?

“Don’t… don’t tell her I was here,” he said, spinning on his heel. She was right there. Glinda, with a small duster in her hand, her gaze clashing with his. He wondered if she could see his heart breaking and hoping she couldn’t.

He resisted the urge to rub the ache out of his chest, decided he’d be better off drowning it at the bottom of cheap whiskey, and ran out of the store.

*******

They kept shooting her these looks. As if she was a ticking bomb ready to explode. How could she possibly explain to them that while she was sad, she wasn’t heartbroken? That she’d known for a while now that she and Riley and were never meant to last?

“I can’t believe you broke up with him,” Xander said, looking for all the world like he was the one who’d just gone through a break up. “Riley was—”

“A good guy. But, not the right guy for me,” she finished, wishing Xander would drop it. Just because it was the right choice didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. “I just, it wasn’t fair to him when I don’t… I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him.”

“Not like with Angel,” Willow said, quietly, phrasing it almost as a question.

“No, not like with Angel.” Not like with… no. Nope. She wasn’t. Was she? Not again, not with someone like Spike, so volatile and plain weird, with his endless list of vices and stupid, soft heart. Oh God, she totally was. She was in love with him.

“Buffy?” Willow asked, frowning. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

If by okay you mean ready to get into panic mode, then yes. “I’m… fine. Did you, did you say something?”

“Spike,” Xander said and the wooden edge of the chair she was sitting on almost splintered under the pressure of her grip. She felt as though she was going to be sick.

“W-what?”

“Our least favourite vampire was by earlier. Said he had some info for you. He wouldn’t say what, of course. Only that he wasn’t after our money, which I find really hard to believe. I swear the cash he’s already cheated us out of could last him a year.”

“I think I’m going to… go. Walk for a bit.” She stood up, all those puzzled eyes watching her, and she just couldn’t stay because if she did, she felt as if they’d see right through her and know.

She was almost out of the door when someone touched her shoulder. She froze, turning around slowly with her hand still clutching the door handle.

“You should g-go talk to him, you know,” Tara said in a gentle voice that made Buffy want to spill all her secrets.

“I think we’ve said everything that needed to be said.”

“Oh, no. N-not Riley.” She lowered her voice to a whisper, her eyes big and knowing. Buffy wanted to bolt. “Spike. Xander kind of t-told him that you were kissing Riley. In the back.”

“There’s nothing… I’m not—”

“I don’t-I don’t know you that well,” Tara started, gaze dropping to the ground, “but I can see that… you mean something to him. And if you feel something too, that’s all right. It’s not my or anyone else’s place to judge you.”

Buffy snorted when she just really wanted to sit down and shut out the entire world and not have to think about any of this, least of all how her friends would judge her once they found out. They wouldn’t be completely wrong either. Buffy wasn’t blind to their past and all those times she and Spike had tried to kill each other. But they didn’t know him the way she did, and they probably never would. “We can’t… It’s not that simple.”

“Nothing worth having ever is.”

And the worst thing? Deep down Buffy knew that he could be worth it, if she’d let him.

*******

The door to her bedroom opened, but she didn’t feel like turning around to face Mom’s third degree, so she just clutched the pillow tighter to her chest, hoping it would keep her insides from spilling out.

How did this even happen? He’d been such a pain in her butt. Still was. But here she was, admitting to herself that she missed the way he’d touch her and kiss her and look at her as if she was the only thing in the world.

When the mattress behind her dipped and a warm hand fell on her shoulder, she regretted not feigning sleep.

“Buffy?” And it was Willow, not her mom, her voice low and tentative and Buffy just wanted to ask when did we change so much and why aren’t we as close as we used to be?

Then Willow’s arms wrapped around her and it was like high school all over again when distance between them hadn’t been as big and they’d actually told each other stuff. Buffy had missed this and she knew it was as much as her fault as it was Willow’s. Even more so, probably.

“I’m sorry you guys broke up. I know you’re upset—”

“I’m not upset. I mean, I am, a little bit. But I’m also relieved.”

“Oh,” Willow said. “Are you sure? Because I know you feel like you need to be all strong and Slayer-like all the time, but… it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. I just wish I understood what happened. I thought you guys were happy.”

The words were right there in the back of her throat, but she swallowed them back and squeezed her eyes shut until the urge to spill everything went away.

“We weren’t unhappy. But when I was there, you know, the other universe… I realised that I didn’t miss him as much as I should. That we don’t really fit. It’s like, I couldn’t completely be myself when I was with him because I knew it kind of freaked him out that I could easily lift him above my head if I wanted to. Not that I did. But still. Freaky Buffy plus normal guys equals major badness.”

“You’ll find someone who’ll love your freakiness. I promise. Guys are overrated anyway,” Willow said. Buffy could hear the smile in her voice.

“Yeah.” She took a deep breath and then they were there, those words that she was so terrified to admit. “Will?”

“Hmm?”

“I think I might be in love with someone else.”

Willow went very still and Buffy was glad that she couldn’t see Willow’s face because she couldn’t handle being judged right now.

“Umm… wow, okay. Didn’t expect that. Who, who is it? Do I know him?”

“I can’t tell you.”

Willow pulled her to lie on her back, frowning. “Why?”

“Because if I do, you’ll hate me.” Those were definitely not tears in her eyes. It was just too dusty in her room. Dust allergy, or something, Buffy was sure.

“Buffy,” Willow, her tone admonishing and concerned all at once. “That is silly talk. Unless it’s Tara you’re in love with. Then we might have a problem.” She playfully punched Buffy’s shoulder and Buffy couldn’t help but laugh, because this was Willow and maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world if she knew.

“Not Tara.” You can do this. You can tell her. “It’s… Spike.”

Willow blinked then blinked again. Then she started to laugh. “Oh my God, you almost had me! I—” She must have noticed something wasn’t quite right, must have realised Buffy wasn’t laughing at all. The smile vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. “Wait. You weren’t joking, were you?”

“No.”

Her mouth fell open. “Tara was so right!”

“She told you?” Buffy sat up, hugging the pillow to her chest, feeling more than a little betrayed.

“Oh, no. She didn’t… I mean, she said you seemed closer, but… wait. She knew? And she didn’t tell me?” Willow frowned.

“I didn’t tell her, but I think she kind of… guessed? I think she knew it wasn’t her place to say anything.” Buffy buried her face in her knees. “Do you hate me now?”

“I could never hate you, Buffy.” Willow rubbed her back. “I’ll admit this is really, really weird, but… are we sure this isn’t some kind of spell? I mean, it wasn’t me! I wasn’t doing any spells, no sir. Only the swap thingy, but… wait. Do you think that could hav—”

“Wills!” Buffy straightened up and glared. “It’s not a spell, okay? And I-I think I may have felt this way long before you even zapped us back. I just didn’t… I didn’t realise. It kind of snuck up on me. But I know it’s not a spell. Already been there, done that. There were cookies.”

Willow wriggled on the bed, eyes guiltily flitting away. “I don’t understand. I mean, the last time I talked to you, you were kind of pro-Spike-stakage.”

“I know. I get it. Trust me, nobody is more wigged than me. I mean, he’s not exactly my type and he’s like all the wrong things I shouldn’t want wrapped in one retro package, but… he’s more than that too. More than what I thought he was.” So much more. “He gets me and he doesn’t let me get all closed up. And sometimes he can do the sweetest things and not even be aware of it. Like give you a foot rub when you feel like crap or do the laundry without having to be asked.”

“You’re gushing,” Willow said, looking at her as if she was a rare sort of animal at the zoo, “about Spike. This feels very strange. Strange and new. And a bit worrying. Are you sure you know what you’re doing? I’m not being judgy here. I just want you to be happy.”

“That’s the thing though. I feel like he could make me happy if I let him. Actually happy, without the drama and the angst all the time. I find it kind of hard to remember hating him now. Being around him feels right. Does that make sense?” She shook her head, knowing that it didn’t. Not to Willow. “Sorry. This is me stopping the gush-fest.”

“Oh, no. I mean, I’m your best friend. You can gush! Gushing is encouraged, even if I’m still kind of wigging here. But… if he can make you happy, I can’t exactly hate him.”

‘Can’t exactly hate him’ was something Buffy would take any day. “I can gush then? Okay. How much would you freak if I said he was… umm… really hot. Like, really.” She was teasing Willow on purpose now, because she was still here and still her friend and that was more than Buffy had expected. “A great kisser too. And you should see him naked. He’s all lean but muscle-y, and… umm… gifted.”

Willow squeaked and stole Buffy’s pillow to put it over her flaming face. “Buffy! Stop that. Oh no. Now I’m imagining him naked. This isn’t fair. I’m a taken woman!”

Buffy was giggling, overwhelmed with how much she loved her best friend. “I’ve missed you. And, I know I don’t say it that often, but I love you. A lot. I’m glad you’re here.”

Willow let the pillow drop and tackled Buffy in a hug. “I love you too. Even if you’re in love with a Billy Idol wannabe.”

A Billy Idol wannabe Buffy hoped felt the same way.

He does. He’s got to. He doesn’t just give his heart freely, and you know he feels something. You can see it in the way he looks at you and the way he touches you as though you’re something precious.

She just had to be brave enough to tell him.

TBC


Chapter End Notes:
Have a lovely weekend, guys! :)



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