Chapter 21
“You fucked yourself over real well, old Spike,” he said to the half empty bottle in his grasp, swallowing the burning aftertaste, wishing it had more effect. “Ain’t love grand?”
She didn’t love him. She did care, he knew she did. He wondered if that didn’t make it even worse, knowing that she cared but could never love him back. He’d rather have her hate him again.
“I hate this!” he heard somewhere off in the distance, “My shoes are ruined. Again. You’d think I’d get paid for this.”
Buffy was the last person he needed to see right now. He hadn’t even done his hair.
What the bloody hell do you care about your sodding hair, you wanker? That’s not really the point, is it?
Maybe he was more hammered than he’d thought.
He should move. Just go off in the opposite direction and lick his wounds in peace. Now if only his legs would get the memo, because it seemed as though the closer her voice got, the harder it seemed to be to distance himself, the stronger the magnet in his chest drew him to her.
She’s got you by the balls and she doesn’t even know.
He could see them now, winding their way around the headstones. She was still far enough away, but he could see the moment she tensed, the way her step faltered for a millisecond.
She lifted her head, staring in his direction and even though he was huddled in the shadows of a crypt, he knew she could tell he was there. Knew that she could feel him.
If he was smart, he’d make himself scarce. Too bad he wasn’t. Certainly not when it came to women.
He stepped out of the shadows, ran his free hand through his messy hair and met them halfway.
“Hey, look, Buffy. Someone you can stake,” Xander said, smiling smugly.
Willow just shuffled her feet, shooting the boy a glare. She was decent, that one. He wouldn’t bite her, even if he could.
You know you wouldn’t bite any of them. Know how much she cares, and them getting hurt would hurt her. And that’s not what you do any more, even when she’ll never love you back.
“You’ve been drinking,” Buffy said in that voice she used when she’d complain about his smoking habits. A bloke couldn’t catch a break.
Hell if he’d toss that bottle away. She didn’t own him. She didn’t want to. “What are you, Slayer, the AA police?”
“No, but I think you’re being dumb by making yourself an easy target. The demon population isn’t exactly on friendly terms with you.”
He took a step towards her, too close for comfort with her friends looking on, something inside him starting to shake. “Afraid I’ll get hurt?”
She stayed silent, just looking at him. He wanted to smash the bottle over the nearest headstone and yell why won’t you love me?
“Nobody here is,” Xander said. “In fact—”
“Xander!” Willow jumped in, “How about we just… go sit over there. Watch out for the fledgling? Since, you know, that’s what we’re here for?”
They were talking back and forth, their voices growing more distant by the second, but not distant enough. Not distant enough for him to just let go and pretend for a little while that he could have it all. Have all of her, all the time.
“Spike—”
Buffy’s eyes had never left his and his hands wouldn’t stop itching to reach for her, so he just clasped the neck of the bottle tighter and swallowed hard.
“You have something of mine,” he said, trying not to remember all the times they’d played hide and seek, what her skin felt like under his palms. “Small, shiny, lights things on fire?”
Her gaze flickered to the side as she tightened her jacket around her frame. “I don’t know where it is. You’ll have to look for it yourself.”
He closed the already small distance between them, his hand ghosting down her hair, never making contact. “You think I won’t?”
“I wanted to talk to you,” she said out of blue, her heart picking up pace.
“Isn’t that we’re doing? Talking?”
“Not like this.” She lifted her hand as if to touch him then let it drop. Of course she wouldn’t. Not with her mates close by. All they had was a dirty little secret.
It’s more than you deserve.
“About Riley, I—”
“You don’t need to say anything.” He forced himself to smile and wondered how much more pressure the bottle could take before it finally shattered. “We both knew it would end up like this, didn’t we? No need to drag this out and preten—”
“Can you shut up? I’m trying to tell you something here!” Her hands closed into fists and he knew just how dangerous she was, but all he could think of was the way she’d snuggle into the pillow in the morning because she refused to wake up and how she’d complain when the orange juice didn’t have pulp in it.
“Tell me what?” His hands shook and the last thing he wanted to hear was how it would be better to ‘move on’, that normal was what she wanted after all. “That it’s not worth the trouble they’d,” he pointed over her shoulder, “give you? That I should bugger off now that he’s back? Think I get it.”
“No. No, you don’t. You don’t get anything. Because you obviously weren’t listening when I said I didn’t want things to change—”
“You didn’t snog him then?” he argued, daring her to lie, wishing she would.
“H-he kissed me.” If there ever was a time Buffy wanted to club him over his thick head, this was it. God, why wouldn’t he just listen? He’s worth it though, even if admitting you love him scares the crap out of you. “Once! And it wasn’t even—”
“You don’t have to make excuses, Buffy.” He smiled, a sour quirk of his lips. “It’s all right.”
“God, you’re so… stupid!” She laughed, a little helpless sound, because she didn’t know how to make him see, short of blurting it out.
“Yeah, well. I was stupid enough to fall in love with you, so I reckon you’re right!”
“W-what?”
For a minute it felt a lot as though they were the only people in the world and all she could see were his panicked eyes.
“You… you lo—”
“Fuck.”
He loves you. He loves you too. But you’re not naïve enough to believe that’s all that matters. She was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of shattering glass. Spike chuckled and flexed his bleeding hand, the broken bottle scattered over the grass and his boots.
“You’re an idiot,” she told him, tugging at his wrist even though he was trying to shake her off. “Look what you’ve done.”
“Yeah, look what I’ve done,” he said quietly, eyes burning into hers.
She looked down, picking the shards out of his palm. He didn’t even flinch.
“’M sorry, you know. Never meant for it to go this far. Guess I’ve buggered it all up, haven’t I? Because you and me? We don’t get to have a happy ending.”
“Spike, no—”
“You know it too, deep down.”
She realised there were no more shards in his hand, but she didn’t want to let go, needed to know he was still touchable.
“’M not taking it back though. I meant it. I love you.” He looked down at her hand on his, almost hungrily. “You’re in my head, all the time. What have you done to me?”
He looked up at her, and he was still Spike, but he seemed raw and exposed, more vulnerable than she’d ever seen him, all those sharp edges soft and breakable. She wanted to tell him it was okay but her tongue wouldn’t work.
“’S funny, in a way. Always knew you’d be the end of me. Just not like this. Should have known you’d go for my weak spot.”
He pulled his hand out of her grasp.
“I never meant to hurt you,” she said, her heart pounding hard against her ribcage. “I mean, I did. A lot. Especially after some of the stunts you’ve pulled in the past. But, then I… I got to see you.”
“Did you?” he asked, “See me?”
“I see you now too.” Those parts of him he hid from everyone else.
“Isn’t that the problem though?” he asked and she didn’t understand why all of a sudden he looked as though she was ripping his heart out and letting it bleed all over the cemetery ground.
“Spike, I—”
“Buffy!” someone yelled and it took her a moment to realise they weren’t alone.
“Run back to your mates, Buffy,” Spike said as she turned around to see a vampire try to claw his way out of the fresh grave several feet away.
Her hand was already inside her jacket, closing around the stake, but when she spun on her heel to tell him to wait, to say they needed to talk this out, he was already gone.
*******
Buffy was exhausted and even though her knuckles had stopped bleeding an hour ago, her hand still kind of hurt. Still, she’d take pummeling a vampire’s face in over Xander’s endless questions any day.
“What was that all about? Since when do you and Captain Peroxide get all chummy?” he’d asked, bewildered.
“He’s been helping me,” she’d said, not because she was ashamed, but because it would be better to ease Xander into it than drop the truth on his head all at once. “A lot.”
“Right. Because he’s so selfless and he’s got your best interests at heart.”
“We have an understanding. A truce,” Buffy had said, wishing she could just tell him everything. “There’s stuff… it’s hard to explain. Just, know that he’s on our side now.”
“Like he was last year, you mean?”
“He saved my life, okay? About two weeks ago. He didn’t have to.” It had been mostly selfish on Spike’s part then, not letting her freeze to death, but it still counted. Because she knew now that if it happened again, he’d save her because he cared, not out of self-preservation. “He’s… different. I’m not asking you to trust him. But I’m asking you to trust me. Can you do that?”
Xander had seemed torn, and she’d expected him to say remember how well that worked with Angelus? But he hadn’t.
“I’m keeping my eye on him,” he’d said instead, and that was enough. It was a start.
The sky was still like black velvet stretched over her head when she made her way towards Spike’s crypt, determined to make him listen, to make him believe her.
When she pushed her way past the metal door, he was nowhere to be seen.
“Well, poop,” she muttered, glancing around until she decided to sit in the ratty old armchair. Leaving would be too much like giving up.
She didn’t know how much longer it would take and her eyelids were growing too heavy, so she just closed them, just for a second. A hand touched her shoulder then, startling her awake.
“I’m sorry. I must have dozed off,” she said, “You weren’t here.”
“Didn’t expect you to pay me a visit,” Spike said, straightening up. Where had he come from?
She stood up and went to brush her hair out of her face when he caught her wrist and frowned.
“You’re hurt.”
“Trust me, it hurt him more than it did me.”
“I don’t doubt it.” He stroked his thumb over her wrist then abruptly let go. “Why are you here?”
Right. Straight to the business. “Because you’re stupid? And you don’t listen to me when I tell you that I care?”
“I never said I didn’t think you didn’t care.” He let out a breath. “That was a mouthful.”
She slapped her hand over his mouth. “Shut up. You won’t talk until I say you can. Are we clear?”
He nodded, his eyes narrowing as if he wanted to devour her. Right. Spike. Kind of kinky. She pushed him to sit down in the armchair.
“I think you misunderstood me and like the big dumb-head you are, you didn’t even let me finish before you went poof.” She started to pace, hoping to work out the sudden burst of adrenaline that left her skin all clammy. “I said I did see you, and you just… I don’t know. I don’t understand why you thought that was a bad thing, or whatever, because it’s not. You’re not. Bad, that is. I mean, yes, you are. But it’s like you’ve got that bit of good in you that makes it all worth it, you know?”
She wouldn’t look him, but she could feel the way his gaze followed her everywhere. “And I thought what I needed was someone nice and wholesome and normal, but I know now that what I really want is… you. Because, because it’s like the two of us, we’re that swirly Chinese black and white thingy with two halves, and one of them is bad with good in it and the other is good with a bit of bad in it.”
“Yin Yang?” he said, almost too quietly, watching her with that soft, unguarded look on his face that always made her think of the man he must have been before.
“Yes.” She pointed at him. “Now shush. It’s my turn and I’m not done yet. Right. Okay. Here we go.” She stopped in front of him, looking down, not entirely sure what to do with her limbs now that she was no longer moving. “I love you. Don’t ask me how or why, but… I love you. And I’m not saying this will be easy, because it won’t. But, one smart person has recently told me that nothing worth having ever is, so… can you please say something now because I didn’t actually expect you to be this quiet and it’s kinda starting to freak me out—”
“You love me,” he said, as if she’d just handed him the stars and the moon and maybe even the entire galaxy. “You love me.”
“I do.”
He struck so quickly she barely had time to do anything but squeak and then her thighs were on either side of his and his arms were wrapped around her so tightly that breathing was becoming an issue.
“What about your mates?” he mumbled against her throat, loosening his hold just a little, his lips on her skin making it hard to think.
“W-willow knows. So does Tara. And… umm… haven’t told the others yet. But in time, I will. It would be kind of out of nowhere if I told them now.”
“Do I have to be at my most charming then? Make them see I’m on your team, and all?”
“Would you?”
He leaned away, just to make her see how serious he was, because he had her in his arms, all of her. He’d be stupid to toss it away for pride. He’d never had much use for it anyway. “I’ll wear a bloody pink fedora if you want me to.”
She giggled, leaning back in with a smile against his lips.
“Don’t laugh. Fedoras were all the rage back in my day. Not pink ones, but…”
“Please tell me you have pictures.”
“God, no. And I wouldn’t show you if I did. Might change your mind about this whole thing in a heartbeat. I was a pansy. Wore reading glasses, was a proper bookworm.”
She bit his earlobe, her arms around him tight as if she never wanted to let go either. “Bet you were all cute. And I hope you’re not messing with me.”
“’M not. I was embarrassing. Couldn’t talk to a woman without stuttering and blushing.”
“If I was born back in the day, I’d have totally swept you off your feet.”
He thought of himself then, so bloody lonely and desperate for someone to let him love them, and yeah, she would have. With her wit and her persistence and her joi de vivre that would have put the ladies of the stiff London society to shame, he’d have been gone at first glance.
“Yeah, you would have.”
“Spike?”
“What?”
“Kiss me?”
He smiled and did just that, tasting her raspberry lipstick, helping her shrug her jacket off with fumbling hands until hands met skin. He rounded the curve of her lower back, down, down until he was sliding into the back pockets of her jeans and, “Knew it,” he said, nibbling on her bottom lip. “Knew you had my lighter.”
“It’s mine now.”
So am I, he thought and hugged her close.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Previously: Riley got the boot (we're all very sad about this, I know) and Willow found out Buffy's in love with Spike and her head didn't explode.
Beta'd by All4Spike, the best beta ever.
Beta'd by All4Spike, the best beta ever.
Chapter End Notes:
This is the penultimate chapter, guys! Sorry if you found that bit at the end there a bit sappy. I was emotional and it couldn't be helped.