Chapter Sixteen:
Buffy's blood ran cold at the voice behind her. She closed her eyes, her brain overloading, unable to comprehend what was about to happen. She wasn't ready for this, she needed time, she needed space to process what she'd experienced tonight. And, of course, she wasn't gonna get it. She would have to deal with this, now. She would have to face the man that she thought was her friend, the man who had pretended to be her friend, when all he really wanted was to 'fuck' her, as he'd put it. The years of their supposed friendship all meant nothing to him. He just wanted to have her, to sleep with her. Blowing out a breath, she braced herself for the confrontation, and turned to face Xander, cold steel in her eyes.
Xander stopped his advance upon noticing the expressions of everyone present, although he discounted Spike's look of rage, and the menacing, constant growl as inconsequential. Still, after a couple of beats, he was surprised when no-one stepped in on his behalf to tell the vampire to stop with the aggressive display. Taking it upon himself, he spoke, in the fervent belief that he would have unconditional back up from his friends.
“What are you growling at, chip-boy? A guy can't ask where his friends have been?”
He grinned as Spike's advance was quickly halted by Giles and Joyce, the former placing a restraining hand on the vampire's wrist, while the latter got in front of him, her eyes locked on his. Some words were exchanged, too quietly for Xander to discern, and Spike visibly relaxed, a slight nod of the vampire's head signalling his acquiescence. Spike's reluctant yielding to Joyce was accompanied by a reassuring pat of his other hand, that Joyce had taken hold of.
That single gesture, the ease with which they all interacted with Spike, had Xander instantly fuming inside, resentment and anger burning through him. His grin faltered for a moment, before remembering that there were others present, and quickly as he could, he reinstated it on his features, not wanting to show his reactions to the situation with the peroxide blond.
All this passed without a comment from anybody towards him, so he tried to garner everyone's attention yet again, by repeating his question, only this time, turning to take in Buffy, Willow, Tara and Anya.
“So, guys, what did I miss? No new big bad that needs researching, right?” He approached Anya, moving to take his place next to her, and frowned when she instantly moved away, placing herself firmly with Giles and Joyce, with Spike behind her.
“Anya? Sweetie?”
Movement all around captured his attention, with Dawn moving back, away from him and over to her mother's side, while Giles stepped forward. Tara drew back also, into the rear group that had formed, leaving Xander facing Willow, Buffy and Giles, all of whose expressions were hard, cold.
He couldn't make sense of it all, what was going on? They were reacting to him like he was dangerous or something.
“Guys? What's the what? Giles? Willow?”
Neither of them answered him, they just kept their eyes locked on his, as if daring him to make a move of some description. What kind of move, he had no idea, but the defensive nature of their postures, of the group's delineation, was enough for even him to pick up on.
Turning his innocent expression to Buffy, he spoke with a wounded tone, quiet in the silence around them. “Buffy? What's going on? What's wron-”
Those simple words seemed to make something inside Spike snap. Hearing him speak her name... it was too much for Spike to contain. Keeping in mind his acceptance to stay out of this, as Joyce had requested, he settled for letting out another deep growl, this one louder, and decidedly more aggressive. Added to that, he let his demon come partially forth, his eyes turning to glittering gold in the dark.
Xander's attention came to rest on Spike once more, and again, he noticed that no one around the vampire was recoiling with fear or disgust, as he thought they should. To Xander's vexation they were closing in on the growling monster, Dawn and Joyce in the lead, trying their best to calm the raging master with gentle touches and whispered words.
“OK, for the last time, what is going on here! And what's crawled up his butt? Enough with the growling, bleach-boy. Jeez! Impotent much? We both know there's nothing you can do to me, so unless you want me to stake your ass, just shut it!”
Buffy took a few trembling steps toward the confused brunette, trying to fight through all the emotions raging for dominance inside her. Bitter hurt and red-hot anger were boiling to the top, swirling around in her mind. The hurt part of her wanted nothing more than to run into the house, fling herself onto her bed and cry for a week, but the anger was winning, and it propelled her forward, towards her 'friend'. With only a couple of feet between them she finally spoke. Her words were icy and detached, an extreme change from the usual tone that she normally addressed him with.
“SHUT UP, XANDER!! JUST SHUT UP!!” Taking a calming breath, or trying to at least, she pushed away her hesitation, accepted that this really was gonna happen, she couldn't run away from it. She pressed on, ignoring his hurt expression at her outburst as the rest of her friends and family looked on.
“We saw the tape, OK? We saw … heard … saw and heard what you said, what you did. I … …” Buffy found that, now she'd started, she really didn't have the words to express the betrayal and hurt that the person in front of her had caused. She felt her hands ball into fists as her anger rose up above her hurt. A part of her itched to pummel him, but another part reminded her he was human and she protected humans. Stupid Slayer Calling crap.
“Tape? What tape? Buffy, what-?”
“THE TAPE!! We saw it! What you said, what you did, when nobody was around? We saw it!”
Xander was still none the wiser. He had no idea what any of them were talking about. Beginning to get a little frustrated at the lack of usable information coming his way, he spoke, perhaps a little harsher than was necessary.
“WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, IS GOING ON? IN ENGLISH? WITH ACTUAL WORDS THAT MAKE FULL SENTENCES?”
Buffy locked her eyes on his, the coldness boring into him as she took another step forward, distancing herself further from the group behind them and putting herself within arm's reach of the brunette. Willow and Giles moved with her, remaining a few steps behind, but still, distancing themselves from the group containing Dawn, Joyce, Tara, Anya and Spike. Buffy forced her fists to unclench, trying to keep calm despite Xander's outburst. It didn't really work, and before she could even reply to him the anger boiling inside her had her hands balled back into tight instruments of death.
Speaking without the emotions that Xander associated with his and Buffy's long friendship, she went on to elaborate, in full sentences, as requested. “You remember the day that me and Mom and Dawn went to help Spike move out of his crypt?”
Xander nodded, so she continued on in short, clipped sentences, something she hoped he could understand. “Well Dawn just happened to leave her camcorder up there. It was on. It was recording after we left. So we saw you. We saw your little conversation with Spike! Understand now, Xander?”
Xander's brain whirred, thinking back to that day, to the confrontation between him and the vampire. Then it clicked, all the things that he'd said in the heat of the moment, without any thought or filter, just the ugly truth spilling from him.
The change in his expression was obvious enough to everyone that he knew what they meant, that he had realised that he'd been caught. Immediately, his expression changed to one of shamed chagrin, and a pleading, remorseful tone entered his voice, along with a slight, almost teasing, comical quality. Apparently, he was gonna try and laugh this one off.
“Oh come on, guys! That didn't mean anything! I was just running my mouth with ol' Spike there, it was nothing! Just something to get him all riled up. I swear, it was nothing. You can't actually believe I meant any of that! Honestly? How long have you known me? You know how much fun it is to get the impotent one all worked up! I didn't mean any of that! Just like seeing Spike twisting in the wind. Seriously!”
It soon became clear that this wasn't gonna wash with any of the assembled on-lookers, as their expressions remained icy and closed off to him.
Buffy had been losing the battle with her anger since she first heard Xander's voice tonight, but now it seemed to be on the verge of boiling over. HOW DARE he try and laugh this off as nothing! Play this down as if it was completely inconsequential! However much she may have liked Xander, in the past that is, she also knew that he was never prepared to take responsibility for the things that he'd done. Everything was either not his fault, a misunderstanding, or a joke. He had no other setting. She'd done her best over the years to overlook those particular character flaws, with the hope that as he grew, he would overcome them. Obviously not.
Buffy lost the battle with her anger in a bright, hot implosion deep inside her chest. Her heart raced and her stomach twisted as fury raged inside her, taking over every cell, every word, every thought.
“DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING?!” Buffy's voice exploded from her, anger tingeing her every syllable. “BULLSHIT, XANDER!! YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE SAYING, AND YOU MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT!”
“Buff-”
“NO!! I don't want to hear it, Xander! You betrayed me, us, our friendship. It all meant nothing to you! You said it yourself, you just wanted to fuck me, and couldn't handle that I’ve never looked at you that way! And this proves why, Xander. You're weak, manipulative, arrogant and self-righteous. You refuse to take responsibility for your actions and accept the consequences, you'd rather just pass the buck to someone else!
“All those research sessions, when my life could have depended on what we found out, what were you doing? Reading a FUCKING COMIC BOOK!? All these years, you've lied to me, pretended to be my friend, when all you wanted was to sleep with me. No, wait, what was the expression you used? It was so poetic, wasn't it? Oh yeah, that was it, you wanted to get 'balls deep in my pussy'! Lovely words, by the way, such a romantic!”
Running her eyes up and down his body, Buffy's lip curled into a disgusted sneer. “Like I’d EVER let you near my body like that! GOD! Just the thought of it makes me want to puke! You, naked? HA! I think I’d be too busy throwing up or laughing to actually get anywhere near you.”
She watched as the colour drained away from Xander's face, then came back a deep red. She didn't know if it was from embarrassment, rage, shame, or some combination thereof, but she didn't care. She pressed on, taking those reactions of his as a sign that she was at least being understood, so she ran with them, pressing a little harder.
“What's the matter, Xander? Don't like hearing all that? Don't want to hear about what you're missing out on? Or maybe, just maybe, you don't want to hear about what it is that Spike's gonna be having? Something that you've always wanted?... … … … Me. My heart. Me soul. My body.”
Xander was shaking in impotent rage at this point. He accepted the fact that he'd been caught out, and had hoped that he'd be able to laugh it off, as he'd always managed before when he'd screwed up. The well of forgiveness that he drank from, that Willow and Buffy owned, was endless, at least so he thought, but this? Her words? He'd never imagined Buffy could EVER be speaking to him like this.
“Well, Xander? Don't you want to hear about it? Huh? How I’m gonna share Spike's bed for as long as he'll have me? How he's gonna be able to share my body when I think I’m ready? How I’m gonna share his? Huh? How I want to give him every part of me, and take every part of him, 'cos I know he loves me unconditionally, and I want him to show me how to love like that. I mean, you're my friend Xand, wouldn't you want to hear about me being happy with someone? That what friends do, isn't it? They listen to each other's problems, and celebrate their successes and happy occasions, right?”
“B-but … he's a … monster … an evil creature,” Xander stammered out, any drop of good judgement having been driven from his brain with the images her words conjured, which cut him to the quick.
Buffy felt her nails dig into her palms. She could feel her arms tense, ready to strike, to pummel, to destroy, but something inside her was still holding her back. The Slayer didn't attack humans, especially those that weren't a physical threat … she needed to make him a physical threat. She took another step forward, almost touching him, and lowered her voice to the point that only Xander, Giles and Willow could hear her. “C'mon Xander, don't you want to hear about how much me and Spike are gonna be able to share with each other? How good I think it's gonna be when we finally make love?” Another step, this time, her mouth almost next his ear. “How good it's gonna feel to have his cock inside me? In my pussy? Or in my mouth? Or maybe, even, in my ass?”
Buffy froze. Her entire body was ready to strike at the man she thought was her friend. She waited, waited for him to attack, to lunge for her, or Spike, to give her the slightest reason to punish him for what he'd done, for his betrayal of her trust.
But he didn't. He didn't take her dangling bait. He simply gasped. It was all he could manage as the images she painted rambled around in his brain, turning and twisting his stomach.
At his indrawn breath, Buffy backed up to her previous position in front of Giles and Willow, completely frustrated with the brunette's lack of backbone. “Must kill you to know that I’ll be giving Spike something that you've always wanted, and will NEVER get?”
Xander opened his mouth a few times, but nothing would come. His brain was … well, it was unable to process all that was happening in such a short space of time. The only thing that had sunk in from that whole speech was the fact that Buffy was gonna give Spike her body, every part of her body. Once more, his inner beast was raging at the injustice of the universe. Again, Xander was gonna be denied his ultimate fantasy, and what he thought should be his reward, all because of some evil demon!
Buffy tried taunting him one more time, loud enough for everyone to hear.“C'mon, Xander, say something! You must have something to say after all that? Some miraculous tale to spin where it's all not your fault, that you were just kidding. It was all a game, or better yet, play the old one about being possessed and you don't remember any of it! That would be a good one! We haven't heard that one in years. About time it was used again, right?”
Suddenly, in a split second, all the fight seemed to leave Buffy's body, her anger and rage being replaced with that cold empty feeling of betrayal and deception and hurt. A deep hurt, straight through her heart. She felt her eyes burn with hot tears, and as they fell, she spoke, her voice quavering and full of emotion, “You were my friend Xander. My friend! I would have died for you, just like Willow, and Giles, and Tara, and Anya would have died for you. And look what you've done! Don't you get it? You're not my friend anymore.
“You're nothing to me, except the man that betrayed me worst of all. I thought Angel becoming Angelus was the worst hurt I could feel, but that? At least that wasn't his choice! He couldn't help what happened to him, but you? All those years of lies and deceit? You're worse than Angelus ever was. He was true to his nature, you?... I don't even know what you are.”
Turning her back on the stunned man, she headed towards her mother and Spike, her sister and her friends, without a hint of remorse at anything that she'd said, without any need to look back. As she got closer, Joyce took a step forward, and opened her arms to her daughter, pulling her into a sobbing embrace that Dawn quickly attached herself to. The message, the emotion, was clear to everyone present.
They would get though this, as a family. They would help Buffy, support her, in whatever she needed.
Xander turned to his oldest friend, hoping with all his heart to see some support there, some sympathy, or understanding. All he saw was a distant, closed-off expression, perhaps with a hint of hurt, or maybe anger? He couldn't place it.
“Willow, you believe me, don't you? It was all just a mistake! All I said, it was just to piss Spike off, I didn't mean anything by it! PLEASE! You have to understand, I mean, c'mon, it's me! Xander!”
Trying her best to ignore the stinging behind her eyes, Willow looked at him, really looked at him, and as if for the first time, which was possibly true, she really did see him. And she found herself taking a step back from this man who had once been her friend, repulsed by him, the hurt coming to the forefront of her feelings. It suddenly hit her, like a punch to the solar plexus, who, and what Xander was, what he had done.
For years now, he had manipulated her feelings, playing the ever-faithful friend, the dependable sidekick that she could always count on, or so she thought. But Buffy's words from earlier rang true in her mind's eye. He was weak, and shirked responsibility for his actions, passing off the consequences to others whenever the opportunity presented itself. He had always managed to force his opinion on to her, bullying her with guilt, and the expectation that she should always agree with him because he was her friend. And then, using that forced agreement as his justification, he would push that opinion onto Buffy as well, manipulating her thoughts and feelings, with Willow as his unwilling and unaware accomplice. His back-up. His 'get-out-of-jail-free card'. “Willow agrees with me,” or “Willow thinks so too.” He'd done it since the day that they had become friends.
“Willow?”
His pleading voice cut through her thoughts, bringing her crashing back to the present. Things were different now. Her blinders had been removed, and she could never put them back on again. Hearing the tone of his voice as he asked her for understanding and forgiveness, she could now see his methods for what they were. The manipulation for what it was. He played the wounded puppy well, using guilt as his net with which to catch and hold her.
No more. She couldn't do it anymore, now that she could see, she didn't want to be blind again. Turning her head to take in Tara, Buffy, Dawn, Joyce and Anya, she knew where her place was. Where she was meant to be.
Glancing at Giles, she met his eyes, tried for a valiant smile, and reached out and squeezed his forearm, before walking away from Xander without a word. She walked back to her family, and was accepted into it, again, without a word. They were not necessary. Everyone knew exactly what Willow had just done, what she had just given up, and how hard that was for her. Tara immediately pulled Willow into a tight embrace, her face impassive as she dared Xander to make another comment.
Giles stepped forwards slightly, and naturally drew Xander's gaze away from Tara, to rest on the watcher. His voice was as hard as pounded steel, and as cold as absolute zero when he spoke, his restraint being tested to its absolute British limits.
“Be very clear about this, young man. You will stay away from Buffy, her family, and her friends, or so help me, I shall see to it that your life becomes, shall we say, difficult? Do you understand me?”
Xander couldn't take in what was happening here. Before his very eyes, he was being stripped of his Scooby status, his place in the group that he called his friends and family. It was all collapsing around him, and he felt powerless to prevent it. “Giles, please, you have to understand, I didn't m-”
“Do you understand me?” Giles repeated, waited a beat, and upon seeing that a response was not forthcoming, he decided to punctuate his statement. “Do not doubt me, Xander. I have resources that I can call upon to make what I ask a reality, but it would be better, for you, to do as I have instructed. Now, have I made myself clear?”
All Xander could do was nod dumbly, the weight of everything pressing down on him, the realisation coming that he was soon to be left with nothing but the green-eyed monster raging inside him, the jealous beast that had caused this set of events. One by one, they had turned from him, leaving him with his rage, his feelings of injustice at not having Buffy, and the feelings of boiling anger at being caught.
'Fucking Dawn and her camcorder! Stupid little bitch! If she hadn't left it there, no one would have been the wiser, and I’d have been able to work my way back in!'
Momentary visions ran through his mind, flashes of charging the group, staking Spike, tearing Buffy away from the group to be with him, shoving Dawn to the ground. They all passed before his mind's eye as he struggled to fully appreciate what had truly happened. It was all too much for him to process with the spitting and roaring jealousy clawing at the bars of its cage, willing to be let loose and act on the urges that were pressing into his thoughts. At the very least the image of staking Spike seemed like a perfectly rational and acceptable option, given the circumstances. After all, this was all his fault. If he'd not angered Xander in the first place, if he'd not pressed his buttons that day in the crypt, none of this would be happening.
And with that simple thought, that simple statement of so-called fact, the green-eyed monster inside him stopped growling and roaring, but began to purr. It was so simple! It wasn't his fault! Spike did this! If he could just stake Spike, all would be well again, and everything would go back to how it was. Everything would be fine! Xander could continue to bide his time until the day that he could have Buffy. Of course! Why hadn't he seen it until now? This was all Spike's fault! And it could be easily fixed with a stake through the heart, just as the filthy demon deserved.
Snapped out of his epiphany by her voice, Xander found himself face to face with his fiancée. Her eyes were swollen and red, an obvious sign that she'd been crying, but her voice held steady as she spoke. Her tone, like those before her, was cold, calm, and determined, with no hint of hesitation, her conviction clear.
“Mrs. Summers has offered me a place to stay for the next few days, while I find somewhere to live, and then... … … then... … … I’ll come and collect my things. I’m done, Alexander. I can't live in Buffy's shadow. I can't live with someone who thinks of me the way you do.
“I tried so hard to be good to you, to be a good girlfriend, to be a good human, but it wasn't enough for you, was it? It was never enough! I couldn't compete with her. I couldn't change what I was, what I’d done. Well now, I… … I... I won't try. I’m through. I never want to see you, or hear from you again, Xander.”
Stopping before she gave him the satisfaction of seeing her tears fall, she yanked her engagement ring off, and threw it at his feet, before turning her back on him, and rejoining the group of friends huddled on the Summers' lawn.
Xander was speechless, his brain was overloading with everything that was happening. Buffy. Willow. Anya. Giles. All... … gone. His place, his life, just... … gone. He'd lost it, thrown it away.
'NO!! I didn't do this! Spike did this to me! Spike took this from me! Spike did this! THIS IS ALL SPIKE'S FAULT!'
Xander's inner monologue was running, spinning, trying to find an angle that he could put on it where it wasn't his fault; his mind found Spike waiting. In that single moment, he latched onto it and wouldn't let it go. This was Spike's fault, somehow.
“Alexander?”
Focusing on the present, brought out of his musings, he found Joyce standing before him, a stern, cold, distant and controlled expression on her face.
“There's not much I can add to what's been said tonight, but I want you to know, if I ever see you near my daughters, I promise you, you WILL regret it. Am I making myself clear?”
A slow nod was her only response, but that was enough for her to turn her back on the young man, hopefully for the last time, and head back to her family. A family that she realised now included the vampire that loved her like a mother, loved her youngest like a sister, and loved her eldest like... … like she deserved to be loved.
Xander could only watch from his spot on the lawn as everyone in his life that he cared for walked away from him without a single glance back at him. The shame of what he'd done was desperately trying to find a place in his mind, to make him realise what he'd done, but it was eclipsed and pushed aside by the rage in him at the injustice of what Spike had done to him. This was all Spike's fault, and on top of that, not only had he taken everything from him, he was gonna have Buffy. She'd said it herself, Spike was gonna be able to share her body, like he'd dreamed of since the day he first met Buffy. It wasn't fair! Buffy should be with him!
It happened so fast, that to someone observing it would seem to be miraculous, but in a few short seconds, Xander had dismissed everything that had been said to him tonight. His focus was on the unfairness of what had happened to him, and the fact that Spike was gonna be with Buffy.
With the jealous monster roaring for vengeance and satisfaction, he stalked away.
'Spike is gonna pay for this.'
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hi, everyone. Well, here it is, another chapter. I hope everyone likes it. A lot of you have been wondering just what was gonna happen to Xander, and, well, now we get to find out a little. I say a little, 'cos we all know that this isn't over, don't we? :-) My thanks have to go out to the wonderful PaganBaby for all her encouragement and inspiration, it's her that started me on this path, and also, the wonderful Passion4Spike, for helping a newbie like me write a story for the first time. Without them, well, I don't even want to think what this could be like! My other thanks have to go out to EVERYONE who has left me a review or a comment. I appreciate each and every one, and I promise, if you leave me such, I shall always reply. Always! (Just might be a little late is all!) :-D Heehee. Right, hope you like it guys. Take care.