CHAPTER FIVE:

Buffy stood in the doorway of her mother's room, watching the two occupants with a slight smile on her face. Dawn had resumed her position on the bed, propped up against the headboard, reading. Spike was still unconscious; however, the small amount of Slayer blood, taken earlier that day and now running through him, had done a little to heal his wounds. The gash on the side of his head had at least shown signs of closing. Buffy was encouraged at this as it meant that, with a little more time (and blood), Spike would eventually be back on his feet.

What still gnawed at her mind was the unsettling distinction she had drawn earlier between Angel and Spike, and how different they were from each other. As much as she would have liked to deny it, her feelings towards Spike were changing. To what end, she didn't know yet, but the things he had done for her and her family refused to be ignored.

'He saved Dawn's life...Twice! He endured torture at the hands of a god for hours to protect my sister and in his words, spare me pain. He fought beside me when Dawn's life, and the world, was at stake and he did this thinking it would make no difference as to how I felt about him. He honestly thought he was going to die that night and had taken steps to look after my family after his death. All this after the way I had treated him, after I knew how he felt about me!'

Buffy's inner voice would not be silent about this, it kept pushing, prodding, forcing her to look at him from an objective stand-point. It also pushed for her to do the same where Angel was concerned and she had to admit, in light of recent events, Angel could be said to be found wanting in comparison.

'Spike helped me patrol, Angel rarely did. If Spike heard of something or discovered something he couldn't handle himself, he told me about it and helped. Angel kinda hinted at stuff, all vague and confusing most of the time, and left me to deal with it! Spike stayed with me when he knew I would never love him...he stayed 'cos he knew he could help, and 'cos he loved me. Angel left 'cos we couldn't have sex! He didn't try to find a way around the curse, or stay 'cos he loved me. He left 'cos he couldn't get his dick wet without becoming a psychotic murderer!

Spike did all this, fighting beside me, protecting my sister, enduring torture, he did this without that coveted soul that Angel was so proud of. Would Angelus have helped me or protected my sister? Let's not forget how Angel got that soul of his... the rape and torture and murder of a young gypsy girl. He was cursed with it, yet he treats it like a badge of honour, like he'd somehow earned it or fought for it!

Buffy shied away from that line of thought; that way lead to many things she didn't want to know concerning Angel and his curse.

All this thinking was making Buffy's brain pound against her skull as if trying to escape. It was all so confusing; everything she 'knew' was suddenly in question. She'd lived many years 'knowing' that soulless vampires-- i.e., all vampires except Angel-- were evil things to be removed from the world. Now, trying to wrap her head fully around this new idea that soulless vampires may not all be the same, shook the very foundation of her world. It was much easier living in a world of black and white than a world of greys. Black and white is crisp and clean, the lines are clear, good guys and bad guys are easy to spot; grey is a muddled mass of confusion … like her mutinous brain.

Buffy was brought back to the present by the phone ringing downstairs and the soft sound of her mother in conversation with whoever was on the other end.

Heading downstairs, Buffy met Joyce in the foyer, apparently on her way up to look for her.

“Oh, Buffy, there you are. I was just coming to find you. That was Giles on the phone. He was just curious if you were going to patrol tonight?”

“I don't think I should, Mom, not with Spike the way he is. We don't know what he's gonna be like when he wakes up and I’d rather be here when he does. Could you let him know I’ll be doing quick sweeps when I can, not full patrols, at least until Spike's awake. Would you mind? ”

“No, I don't mind at all, honey; I’ll phone him back and tell him. How's Spike? Any change?”

“No, he's still out of it. But I think he's getting better after...y'know?”

Joyce smiled slightly at Buffy's embarrassed expression. They hadn't really talked about what happened but obviously Joyce wasn't completely naïve as to what her daughter had experienced earlier in the day.

Joyce was, in a way, glad that Buffy had confided in her about what happened, however cryptically and reluctantly she had done it. It was a sign of how close the pair of them were that Buffy felt she could talk to her mother about such things, and Joyce would have it no other way. She didn't want Buffy to feel that there were things she couldn't talk to her about. There had been too many secrets for too many years. Joyce wanted her daughter to feel like she could tell her anything; wanted to make sure Buffy knew she wasn't alone, no matter what that stupid Slayer handbook said. It was something that Joyce wanted to reinforce.

“And how are you after...” Joyce let her voice trail away as she smiled at her daughter.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, Buffy. If you need, or want, advice or someone to talk to without any judgements, you know you can come to me, right?”

“I know, Mom, I really do, it's just... a bit weird, y'know? I mean, you weren't meant to see... that. Hell, I wasn't meant to feel... that. It kinda took me by surprise how good it fel--”

Buffy's eyes widened suddenly as she realised what she was saying and who she was saying it to. She loved her mom, and she knew, without a doubt, that her mom loved her and would have talked to her about it and tried to help her figure things out. But there were still some things she didn't want to discuss with her, and what was definitely the most amazing orgasm of her life was at the top of that list!

How was she supposed to look her mother in the face and say, in all honesty, that for a handful of moments there, all she wanted was to have Spike bury himself inside her body so deeply and for her to clench her pussy muscles around him so tightly that she wouldn't know where he ended and she began? That she wanted to look into those blue eyes of his as his cock pried apart her smooth, wet walls and cradle him inside her for hours?

Buffy's eyes dropped shamefully to look at the floor and so she missed Joyce's small smile as her mom spoke softly.

“I mean it, Buffy, you can tell me anything and I will only ever try to help... do you understand?” she asked as she touched a finger to her daughter's chin and raised her head so she could see her eyes. Their eyes met and held for several heartbeats, long enough for them both to feel the other's unconditional love and dedication.

Buffy nodded her head and suddenly engulfed her mom in a tight hug that knocked Joyce back a step and had her laughing in surprise.

“Thanks, Mom.” She pulled back to look at her mother and spoke slowly and clearly, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Buffy,” Joyce replied just as emphatically. “Now... how about I phone Giles and tell him of the change to your patrol routine, then, what do you say to lunch, hhmmm?”

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

Buffy headed back upstairs to collect her sister, and after a little 'discussion' as to why Dawn couldn't eat her lunch on Joyce's bed, the pair of them were soon seated with their mother at the dining table and eating happily. The conversation was uneventful until the subject of Spike was broached by Dawn.

“So, how long do you think it'll be before he wakes up, now that he's had Slayer blood? I mean, it'll help, won't it? He'll get better, right?”

Buffy could sense the worry in her sister's tone and hurried to reassure her. “He'll be fine, Dawnie, I promise. Like I said before, as long as he's not dust, he'll be OK. As for when he wakes up? Who knows? This is Spike we're talking about!” Buffy grinned a little and her tone took on a light, teasing quality. “He'll probably stay unconscious for as long as he can, just to annoy me.”

Both Dawn and Joyce smiled at this and Dawn giggled lightly before sobering and putting voice to something she had been thinking about over the last few days, since the ordeal with Glory.

“He's really...different... isn't he? From other vampires, I mean. I know you still think of him as a monster but, he has changed, hasn't he? Even before the tower, he did things, things I didn't think vampires were supposed to do.”

Buffy didn't really know where to start with how she felt about Spike, or the things he'd done. Sensing her indecision, Joyce stepped in to fill the silence.

“Yes, Dawnie, I think he is different, but I don't really know if he has changed all that much. He's never treated me with anything other than respect and always been polite; he even pays for the coffee and hot chocolate we have together.”

Buffy's brow furrowed at this. “What do you mean, 'coffee and hot chocolate'?

Joyce's look of surprise was clear to both the Summers girls. “You didn't know? But, Spike told me he told you about it.” Buffy's continued questioning look caused Joyce to press on. “Three times a week, when the gallery's open late, Spike comes with coffee or hot chocolate for me and keeps me company, and in his words: 'Keeps an eye on me.' Then he walks me to the car and makes sure I get on my way home... … Why... he told me you knew about this, why would he lie?”

Dawn was quick to jump in with an explanation, “He probably thought Buffy would make him stop seeing you, I mean, I’m not allowed to see him at his crypt anymore. If she didn't know about it, she couldn't give him a hard time and threaten him, or hit him, until he stopped.”

“HEY!” Buffy shouted, clearly hurt at the accusation. “First of all, SHE is sitting right here, thank you very much. God, rude much? And second, I wouldn't have hit him and threatened him.” At the surprised raised eyebrows from her family, Buffy quickly countered, “What? I wouldn't have, if Spike wanted to spend time with Mom, I would have let him... I would!” she insisted.

Dawn snorted around a mouthful of food. “Yeah, right. So, when I feel safe around him and like spending time with him 'cos he's nice to me, I’m totally never allowed to see him again, but Mom spending time with him, that's OK? C'mon Buffy, you'd have threatened to stake him, and you know it.”

Buffy, fuming with righteous indignation, looked at her mother for support, but it was clear Joyce agreed with Dawn. Clearly outnumbered, Buffy looked down at her plate and thought about it. After a few seconds, her shoulders slumped and her anger faded as the shame hit her. Of course Dawn was right. Buffy would have ordered Spike to stay away from her mother, probably adding a couple of punches into the mix and topping it off with a threat of imminent stake-age if he came near her family again. One of the questions that came to her mind was 'why?' What was so wrong with Spike spending time with her mom, especially if Joyce enjoyed his company? Why did she keep pushing him away from her family? And why, knowing that Spike's chip wouldn't allow him to hurt anyone or, for that matter defend himself, did she keep hitting him?

'If he says something I don't like, I hit him. If he does something I don't like, I hit him. When I needed his HELP, and didn't want to pay him, I hit him. If I'd had a bad day, I'd take it out on him, and hit him. If I-- OK! OK! OK! I get it!'

Without speaking or looking at her sister or her mom, Buffy left the table and went upstairs to maintain her vigil over the vampire she was learning more about every day, it seemed. Her black and white world continued to be shaken, mixed up, and turned upside down until all she could see were shades of grey everywhere she looked. It was something she couldn't let go of. Spike had done so much for her and her family. Even without a soul, he had endeavoured, struggled, to be better than he was, for her, and she'd repaid him with violence, humiliation and scorn.

'And he still loves me!' Buffy sat down on the edge of the bed with a heavy heart, taking Spike's hand in hers. She looked at the broken vampire...no, not vampire... something more than a vampire. She looked at the broken man in front of her and promised, never again, to hurt him just because she could.

The rest of the afternoon passed without incident. Buffy spent the afternoon at Spike's side, seemingly locked in her own head. She spent hours trying to reconcile all the changes that she had experienced over the last few days and she finally came to grips with some startling revelations.

The first thing she realized, from the heavy weight that seemed to have taken up residence in her chest, was that she was truly sorry for the way she had treated Spike. She was also sorry for allowing her friends, Xander and Giles in particular, to do the same.

She also realised, unlike Dawn and her mother, that she had allowed other people to influence the way she thought about Spike. Angel, Xander and Giles all came to the forefront of this realisation. They hated the blond vampire for various reasons that were not her own. Yes, Spike was a vampire, but strangely, thinking back to that night in the Bronze, discussing the Slayers he'd killed, she realised he possessed a warrior's honour, and the fascination he had with Slayers came from wanting to test himself against the best.

As much as she was loath to admit it, Spike was certainly the most skilled opponent she had ever encountered. He was her equal; why else were the two of them still alive after the numerous battles they had fought before he was chipped? But it was that desire to test himself against the best that always seemed to lead him towards fighting fairly, wanting the victory, his, or hers, to be earned and deserved. A vampire with a sense of honour and a sense of fairness; could her new world get any further away from the black and white one she'd been inhabiting up until recently? Apparently, the answer to that was 'yes'.

Her final revelation was the most startling, but also, after giving it some close thought, something she had known all along, almost since their first meeting: Spike had the ability to love where other vampires, apparently, couldn't. When she thought back on it, one incident in particular came to mind to prove this point. By holding Drusilla at stake-point, Buffy had ordered Spike to release the many teenagers that he and his fellow vampires had been gifted by Buffy's former crush, Ford. Her entire strategy that night had come down to relying on the strength of Spike's love for his sire to save her life and the lives of everyone else. 'If I hadn't somehow sensed Spike could love, I would most likely be dead right now. My instincts were counting on that fact to save my life. And they were right!'

She realised now, with perfect clarity, Spike could love. He did love. He loved with everything he was capable of, and he loved her. Surprisingly, a warmth blossomed in her chest, lifting the heavy weight away, at the thought of the power and strength with which he loved, and that he was giving her that power and strength. He was giving it to her, with no hope, in his eyes, of her ever accepting it, let alone returning it. He put his heart in her deadly hands and simply waited for her to crush it. She could remember his eyes when he would look at her, shining with love, affection, adoration, and even respect, but behind it? A deep resignation of pain and rejection, accepting that that was the way things were for him and nothing he could do would ever change it.

He loved her. She didn't love him. That was his existence now.

These thoughts had rattled around Buffy's head for the remainder of the day and even during her sweep of the cemeteries later that night. So busy were her thoughts, she couldn't even remember staking the two vampires she had encountered, her Slayer instinct taking over and allowing her to function as if on auto-pilot. The sure knowledge that Spike could love refused to leave her thoughts as she readied herself for bed, and even chased her into the land of her dreams.