Chapter Fifteen
That night Spike was unable to bring himself to sleep. His mind was too full of all the possibilities of what happened to Buffy. Dawn and he had spent the early hours drinking coffee until morning came. Spike couldn’t possibly send the children to school today. He sent them into the living room with some sandwiches and juice to watch telly when Harris and Red arrived. The four adults gathered in the kitchen and discussed the events of the night before over lunch. Spike had to believe Buffy was still alive, although he knew Willow and Harris didn’t from the look they shared when he and Dawn had told them of Drusilla turning up wearing Buffy’s face. Willow left after lunch and the remaining three were still sitting in the kitchen when the doorbell chimed. Spike jumped up suddenly and ran to the door. He pulled it open to see Dowling standing there. Spike’s heart thumped in his chest.
“I might have a lead, Spike,” Dowling offered.
Spike gestured for him to come in. The children looked up from where they sat on the couch and waved at Dowling.
“Hey kids,” he said, grinning at them.
Spike and Dowling made their way into the kitchen.
The detective greeted Dawn, Xander and Willow. “Hi guys.”
The three nodded at him.
“You said you had a lead,” Spike hinted.
“I think I know where Buffy might be. There’s this abandoned hotel called Greene’s Hotel. Do you know it?”
Spike exhaled noisily, “Yeah.”
“A woman came forward this morning, after seeing the missing posters we were put up on the west side. She rang me on my cell and said she saw a woman matching Drusilla’s description coming and going. She assumed she was a regular squatter and then she said she saw someone matching Buffy’s description leaving the area last night.”
Spike’s gut twisted painfully. She had seen Dru wearing Buffy’s face most likely, but there was some hope it was really his wife.
Spike reached on his coat, which he had left hanging on the back of his chair the night before. “I’m going to scope the area out.”
“Wait up, you’re not leaving me behind,” Dawn warned him.
“Hang on,” Dowling said. “I just wanted to let you know before we went down there. I’ll drive!”
*************
The three arrived at the abandoned hotel twenty minutes later. Spike was thankful Dowling was driving, as he was able to put on the siren and traffic made way for them. In its time the hotel had been splendid, whereas now it was only a shadow of its former glory. The walls were covered in ivy and almost all the windows were broken and boarded up. The three got out of the car and were walking toward the entrance.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dawn whispered. “Dowling said back up is on the way.”
“No,” Spike confessed, “but I can’t just stand around.”
His heart was pounding and he just hoped that this was the right place. Dowling pulled out his gun and they entered the building cautiously. The only sound was their footsteps and it echoed around them. If there was somebody here, they would soon know about it.
There was a giant wooden staircase in the middle of the room, which must have once been the reception area. He could see this place appealing to Dru with its cobwebbed chandeliers and opulent décor. A smaller stone stairs was visible through an open door on the right.
Spike tilted his head. “What do you reckon, Bit? Cellar might make sense.”
Dawn made a gulping noise. “Yeah, I think so.”
Dowling was still investigating the other side of the room.
“Hey, Bob,” Spike called across the room.
Dowling turned to look at him.
“We’re heading down stairs,” Spike continued. “Why don’t you check upstairs?”
Spike and Dawn made their way down the stone staircase and into the cellar. Dawn was right behind Spike and he could hear her inhaling sharply. The room opened out into ta wider section. He scanned the room for any sight of his wife. Dawn gasped and pointed at the far wall, where he could see a shackled figure.
“Buffy?” He started to run towards her.
Dawn grabbed his arm, “Don’t!” Her voice was breaking. “She’s been turned.”
“No,” he said desperately. “It could still be a spell.”
Buffy started to strain at the chains and growling, Spike knew it was the blood lust borne of being a fledge. He remembered well how the bloodlust bypassed any logic. Without warning the chains snapped and Buffy came right at him, grabbed him by the arm and bared her fangs.
“Dawn, go!” Spike ordered as he struggled. The stake he was carrying fell to the ground.
If he could just reach for the knife he had in his sock.. But it was too late. He felt a sharp pain in his neck, where Buffy tore into his carotid artery. He could feel death pulling at him as the blood spilled from in wound.
He heard a “Sorry, Buffy” and saw Dawn lunge at Buffy with her stake. He watched as Buffy turned to dust before him. His knees gave out and he hit the stone floor painfully. However, that was nothing compared to the emotional anguish he was suffering. Buffy was gone. He would never see her smile or hear her laugh.
Dawn dropped to her knees beside him, tears running down her face. “Oh, Spike. What did I do?”
Her words made him remember he wasn’t the only one in pain. The Bit had to dust her own sister, when he should have been the one to bear that burden.
“I’m so sorry,” Spike whispered. “You shouldn’t have had to do that.”
“Don’t be stupid,” she replied and threw her arms around him.
They clung together, tears streaming down their faces.
Dawn pulled away suddenly. “You’re bleeding.” She grabbed her scarf and put it to his neck to stop the bleeding.
“Thanks, Bit,” he murmured putting his arms around her again.
She trembled against his chest, before bursting in noisy sobs. His guttural cries soon joined hers as they grieved for the woman they loved so much and for the cruel way in which she had been taken from them. Buffy shouldn’t have died liked this. Buffy deserved a peaceful death in her bed surrounded by loving family not his deranged ex turning her. The look he saw in her eyes made him remember the time he had done the same thing out of love for his mother. He didn’t want to remember her like that. He knew she never would have wanted to be a vampire, even a vamp with a soul. At least, she had been trussed up in the cellar and would have been unable to hunt and kill. Nevertheless, he knew that would have been little consolation to her. Time passed and the two bereaved friends remained on the floor of the cellar not knowing what to do next. All they could think about was the loss of Buffy. It was the buzzing of Dawn’s cell phone that finally prompted them to get off their aching knees.
“Xander,” she said softly. “Sorry I didn’t call.”
He couldn’t hear what Harris was saying on the other end, but he did hear Dawn’s tearful “She’s gone.”
When she got off the phone she took him by the arm. “Let’s go back to your house.”
He took one last look at the floor where the pile of dust lay, before heading for the stairs.
The reception area was buzzing with coppers and a grim faced Dowling met them.
“I’m sorry,” the detective said to them both. “I came down when I heard the yelling, but by the time I got there it was over.”
Spike surmised the two of them had been too preoccupied to notice his entrance and exit.
Two paramedics came rushing over. “I need to see your neck, sir.”
Spike tried to wave them away, but they were insistent. “You need stitches.”
“I’m not going to a hospital” he told them. “I need to get home to my kids.”
The female paramedic said, “We can do it here.”
He reluctantly let them take him away to patch him up.
*************
Spike didn’t quite remember the journey, but Dowling drove them home. However, they had been forced to make a witness statement before they could leave. Dowling was sympathetic, but he couldn’t avoid protocol. It was six pm before they arrived home. Harris met them at the door and Dawn collapsed into his arms.
“I’m sorry, man,” Xander whispered and he clapped a hand on his back. He could see Xander had been crying. There was a dark circle under his visible eye and his hair was mussed.
“Where are the rugrats?” Spike asked.
“In bed,” Harris said. “They were exhausted and fell asleep about an hour ago.”
Spike nodded and he made his way upstairs needing to see his children, wanting to reassure himself that they were okay. He didn’t know how he could possibly tell them he had let their mother die, and that she would never hold them again. He paused outside Tommy’s room trying to steel himself to enter. He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see a concerned looking Dawn standing there.
“Did you want us to be here when you tell the kids?” Dawn asked.
Spike shook his head. “No – It’s something I need to do myself. You should go home.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
Dawn leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’ll call over tomorrow. In the meantime, you need anything at all you call. Promise?”
He nodded, a lump forming in his throat. Dawn sniffed loudly before turning and going down the stairs. Spike peered into Tommy’s bedroom and was surprised to see both of his children in the bed. They were fast asleep and Spike didn’t want to wake them. It was bad enough that their world was about to be turned upside down. It could wait till morning. He took off his shoes and lay down on the bed beside them. He didn’t want to be separated from them tonight.
***************
Spike spent the night starring at the ceiling unable to sleep, going over and over the events of the last few days. He wondered how he could have saved Buffy, what he could have done better or what he could have changed. The lack of sleep was starting to catch up with him and he found himself starting to drift off when he was interrupted by the sound of his little girl.
“Daddy,” Emily said, throwing her arms around him. “Why did you sleep in here and not in yours and Mommy’s bed?”
Spike looked down at her sadly. “I have something to tell you and your brother. Let’s wait till he wakes up, yeah?”
He could tell she was picking up on his emotions. Emily was normally a very bubbly child, but she was really quiet as she lay in his arms resting against his chest. It wasn’t long before Tommy started to stir as well. Spike’s breath caught in his throat, as he realised he was going to have to admit out loud that Buffy was gone. Tommy started when he saw Spike there.
“It’s Mom, isn’t it?” Tommy asked.
Spike gulped. “I’m so sorry, Tommy,” he whispered.
Emily pulled away from Spike’s chest. “What about Mommy? Is she hurt?”
Spike shook his head. “Oh sweetheart, she’s gone. She’s with your grandparents up in heaven looking down on us.”
Emily started bawling crying on his shoulder and he rubbed her back.
Tommy put his hands over his ears. “No, you’re lying.”
Spike’s heart felt like it was cracking into little pieces. “Tommy, listen to me. The world is a cruel place and I hate you’ve had to learn it at such a young age.”
Tommy sniffled as he began to accept what he was being told. Spike knew he had to be strong to hold his family together. He would just have to get through this one day at a time.
****************
In the hours following the loss of Buffy, Spike found himself surrounded by well-meaning friends, but he really only wanted for the company of his children and Dawn. Although, he had to admit Harris had been kind. The fact that the boy had the thought to go to the cellar ad gather Buffy’s remains so they had something to bury meant that he was indebted to the man. Neither, he nor Dawn would have been able to do it and Spike was glad it was one of her closest friends not a stranger. Dawn and Harris were staying in the house, helping Spike deal with all those who wanted to deal with all those who called looking to pass on their commiserations. Spike didn’t know how he would have coped without them. He might have lived as a human for years now but none of that had prepared him for dealing with human traditions. Angel came the night before Buffy’s funeral. Spike had expected Angel to call looking to pay his respects and say goodbye. He knew from speaking with Willow, who had rung him to tell him of Buffy’s passing, that Angel felt terrible he had not been around during Drusilla’s terror campaign. He hadn’t really expected Angel to call to the house, but he couldn’t deny that Angel was grieving too. The vampire looked almost as bad as he did. Spike was in the kitchen trying to stomach some of the food that Dawn had prepared for him. He hadn’t been eating or sleeping since Buffy’s death, but Dawn had given him a telling off earlier. The bint was always interfering. Angel walked into the kitchen look particularly sombre in a dark suit.
Spike nodded his recognition but said nothing. There was nothing to say after all.
“I’m sorry, Spike,” Angel said.
Spike knew he was being selfish not wanting him there, but he didn’t have the strength to deal with him right now.
“I am too,” he whispered, just hoping that Peaches would get the hint and go. Angel had never been perceptive and this was no different. Instead, the idiot sat himself down beside him.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” Angel mumbled.
Spike felt an unexpected urge to confide in the vampire. “I watched her dust you know. The Bit had to do the honours. Dru – the bitch- had her shackled and starving. My beautiful girl reduced to what she hated the most.”
“You did the right thing,” Angel said.
Spike felt irritation at Angel’s presumption he needed reassurance from him of all people. “What makes you think I care about your opinion?”
Angel was wearing a look of pity and Spike turned away not wanting to see it. He breathed harshly when Angel put his hand on his shoulder.
“I don’t but you need to hear it,” Angel said. “You’re stinking of guilt and I know all about living like that. Buffy wasn’t made for the dark. It’s what she would have wanted. She would have wanted you to live, be happy and look after your kids.”
There was no bitterness at all in Angel’s voice at the mention of all those things Angel would never get to have and Spike felt tears well in his eyes, feeling deeply grateful for those words of comfort. Since he had come back to the house, he had remained dry eyed wanting to be strong for Emily, Tommy and Dawn. He thought he had cried himself out in the cellar, but somehow his grandsire’s sympathy had undone him and he felt a tear come down his face. He didn’t want to cry in front of the poof, but he had held them in for so long and soon he was leaving out big, shuddering sobs. Somehow, and he couldn’t quite remember it happening, Angel was embracing him and he was bawling all over his shoulder. It seemed there was something to be said for being comforted by someone who knew how you felt. When Spike recovered from his crying fit he found himself embarrassed.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“You’re welcome.” Angel seemed equally uncomfortable. “I should –ah –go. I’ll stay around for the funeral and pay my respects once it’s dark. Then I’ll head back to Los Angeles.”
Spike nodded. “Would you like a drink or anything before you leave?”
Angel shook his head and got to his feet. “No, I should go.”
Spike got up as well and walked with him to the door. He watched as Angel opened the door of his fancy car and was about to close the door when he heard his name being called.
He looked at Angel. “Yeah?”
Angel looked sheepish. “We might not get along most of the time or even like each other. Still, you should know if you need to talk I’ll be there.”
Spike knew this was true and there was a part of this whole mess nobody but a vampire or in his case former vampire could understand. He had been a vampire and he knew it was a lie that the demon takes all the memories leaving the human shell hollow. His Buffy had still been in there and he had seen her spirit be extinguished. He carried this around with him, unable to really explain it to the humans who loved her. It was easier for them to believe she had been gone as soon as the demon entered her body, and he was happy to play pretend. Angel got into his car not waiting for a reply; perhaps the look on Spike’s face answered it for him.
***********************
The funeral was a sombre affair and Spike was surrounded by his children. Dawn was standing next to them with Xander and Willow at the other side of him. When the funeral ended, everyone started to drift away and Dawn had thoughtfully led Tommy and Emily away with her to give him a chance to say his goodbye in private.
“I’ll miss you, love,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have saved you. It haunts me in every waking moment that I wasn’t there when you needed me. Don’t know how I can possibly go on without you. Being a dad doesn’t come naturally to me. And I know when I go it won’t be to where you are; I’m destined for hell, love.”
He wiped a tear from his eye. His Slayer had gone to a better place but he couldn’t help being selfish and wishing he had her back with him and their children. He was going to make damn sure the kids remembered and honoured her. He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and he turned around only to see Dawn standing there.
“Come on. The kids need you, and I think you need them.” She took his arm and he let himself be taken back to his beloved children.
“Daddy.” His little girl threw herself into his arms. He picked her up and she held onto him tightly. He met his son’s teary eyes and walked over to him freeing one arm to embrace him as well. It was down to him now to keep their family together. That was when he knew he could do this. He simply had to go on for her, for them.
To be continued.. in the epilogue
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: Angstapalooza.
Disclaimer: I still haven't bought the rights to these characters.
Disclaimer: I still haven't bought the rights to these characters.
Chapter End Notes:
I'm sorry. This story came to me backward. I started out with the idea what would it be like for Spike to become human and for Buffy to become a vampire. The more I thought about I knew Buffy had to die in the end as heart-breaking as it was. The story came full circle. Spike earned a life and Buffy lost hers. But they got to have a life together in between. There is one more chapter and I hope it will heal some of the pain I've inflicted.